Hi Im a newbie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Hi Im a newbie
Im not just new here Im also relatively new to acknowledging that Im married to an alcoholic. Im not really sure about protocol etc for newbies but i hope its ok to introduce myself a little bit.
Both my husband and I are 27 and we have a 1+1/2yr old daughter. My husband has addictive tendencies with a history of drug abuse. thankfully he hasnt used drugs sice we got married other than the occassional joint (I dont do any) and a recent slip - when he did coke. TBH thats kinda where things really hit me hard. going back a little further he has had dependency issues with alcohol for a very long time but would never have admitted or acknowledged it. We had a huge bust up over the coke/alcohol etc etc and I was the closest to leaving I have ever been. for the first time ever he admitted he had issues with alcohol/gambling etc and promised to change.
it sounds like such a cliche in retrospect
anyhow he joined AA, went to 4 or 5 meetings and was sober for a total of 2wks before falling off the wagon. Those two weeks reminded me off all the reasons i fell in love with him and made me hopeful for the future. However I wasnt naive enough not to expect that he wouldnt fall off the wagon so i supported him in getting psych appointments and anti-depressants and he was sober again for another 2 weeks. Then he went to a party, i begged him not to go as i knew he wouldnt be able to resist but he went and slipped.... he's not drinking every day but he's bad enough.
he is one of those people that even if they have had alcohol in their system 48hrs+before you can still see the signs. he becomes this hateful, angry, agressive, hurtful, horrid person and ive realised i dont love him when he's like that. I dont want to be with him but i love who he is when he isnt drunk.
Im not ready to give up on him yet but sometimes i feel so close. Howver He has promised to take our daughter from me etc etc if i ever left him. (i have to say he has never physically hurt either of us).
anyhow i dont know where this is really going sorry its so rambling and miserable but im just fed up and depressed coz of course he's had a drink tonight under the misguided "understanding" that its not a problem. Of course that means we had an argument when he got in and im the one left sitting up whilst he is sound asleep as ive got too many thoughts swirling in my head.
if you have got to this point im amazed you stuck it out
thanx for reading
xx
Both my husband and I are 27 and we have a 1+1/2yr old daughter. My husband has addictive tendencies with a history of drug abuse. thankfully he hasnt used drugs sice we got married other than the occassional joint (I dont do any) and a recent slip - when he did coke. TBH thats kinda where things really hit me hard. going back a little further he has had dependency issues with alcohol for a very long time but would never have admitted or acknowledged it. We had a huge bust up over the coke/alcohol etc etc and I was the closest to leaving I have ever been. for the first time ever he admitted he had issues with alcohol/gambling etc and promised to change.
it sounds like such a cliche in retrospect
anyhow he joined AA, went to 4 or 5 meetings and was sober for a total of 2wks before falling off the wagon. Those two weeks reminded me off all the reasons i fell in love with him and made me hopeful for the future. However I wasnt naive enough not to expect that he wouldnt fall off the wagon so i supported him in getting psych appointments and anti-depressants and he was sober again for another 2 weeks. Then he went to a party, i begged him not to go as i knew he wouldnt be able to resist but he went and slipped.... he's not drinking every day but he's bad enough.
he is one of those people that even if they have had alcohol in their system 48hrs+before you can still see the signs. he becomes this hateful, angry, agressive, hurtful, horrid person and ive realised i dont love him when he's like that. I dont want to be with him but i love who he is when he isnt drunk.
Im not ready to give up on him yet but sometimes i feel so close. Howver He has promised to take our daughter from me etc etc if i ever left him. (i have to say he has never physically hurt either of us).
anyhow i dont know where this is really going sorry its so rambling and miserable but im just fed up and depressed coz of course he's had a drink tonight under the misguided "understanding" that its not a problem. Of course that means we had an argument when he got in and im the one left sitting up whilst he is sound asleep as ive got too many thoughts swirling in my head.
if you have got to this point im amazed you stuck it out
thanx for reading
xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
Welcome Marble ... I'm glad you found us. Take a read around, especially the sticky's at the top. There's a wealth of information and support here. It's been many years since I was married to an active alcoholic, but I remember how draining it was and it sounds like your husband is still in denial. Keep reading, keep posting, and I'm sure others will be along soon to welcome you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Marble 
Howver He has promised to take our daughter from me etc etc if i ever left him. (i have to say he has never physically hurt either of us).
If for no other reason than to rid yourself of this fear, have you thought about speaking to a lawyer about this issue? AH used to always threaten me with living me homeless and penniless and it kept me in line. He used it for over 15 years. One day I went to see an attorney about my true rights and it changed everything for me.
It doesn't mean you have to leave, but knowing he cannot take your daughter from you may help put the focus where it should be.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome Marble.....click on any of our names to read our histories ok.
I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and I want to tell you that this is a very very progressive disease.....and since he is trying to convince you that he will take the child from you .... you need to have knowledge of what he may or may not be able to do. Might I suggest that you start a journal and document every single incident that you can and if you can have it signed by a witness and date it carefully this will help you in the future in case it should head towards a divorce. The journal will be tremendous ammo for a divorce attorney and if you can prove via this journal that he drinks to excess then his threats would never hold up in a court of law. Courts are very reluctant to take children away from mothers anyway but this journal will solidify your case. In many states alcoholism is grounds for divorce. But if he goes into treatment or has any dui's or anything....document this for later should you ever need it and whatever you do - do not let him know about this journal...protect this at all costs ok. I never advocate divorce but I also know how difficult life is and can be with an alcoholic. Keep reading and learn from those who have gone before you. Again stay strong and stay well hun.
I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and I want to tell you that this is a very very progressive disease.....and since he is trying to convince you that he will take the child from you .... you need to have knowledge of what he may or may not be able to do. Might I suggest that you start a journal and document every single incident that you can and if you can have it signed by a witness and date it carefully this will help you in the future in case it should head towards a divorce. The journal will be tremendous ammo for a divorce attorney and if you can prove via this journal that he drinks to excess then his threats would never hold up in a court of law. Courts are very reluctant to take children away from mothers anyway but this journal will solidify your case. In many states alcoholism is grounds for divorce. But if he goes into treatment or has any dui's or anything....document this for later should you ever need it and whatever you do - do not let him know about this journal...protect this at all costs ok. I never advocate divorce but I also know how difficult life is and can be with an alcoholic. Keep reading and learn from those who have gone before you. Again stay strong and stay well hun.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 11
hadenoughnow - i will try not to apologise too much but dont kill me if i do ;o)
deedee - will do thanx. after him going to those few meetings i thought (naively) that we had got past the denial stage... i came to the same conclusion myself last night as it was as if his attending AA had never happened. I think it may have a lot to do with that he stopped taking his Anti-d's for a few wks and i didnt know.Ive got him taking them again the last 3 days but it will take time for him to feel any better again.
denny57 - im not ready to leave yet but theoretically i know that i would have custody. however it doesnt stop me being fearful that he would just take her. he's not the kind to fight it out in court as he is intelligent enough to know he would lose... the fear of him being unpredictable and just taking her is far more scary.
Janitw - thanx for the idea of the journal like i said to denny - im not ready to leave yet and i hope i never have to but the journal is something i hadnt contemplated but i will def have a think about.
hugs to you all and i look forward to getting to know you thanx
xx
deedee - will do thanx. after him going to those few meetings i thought (naively) that we had got past the denial stage... i came to the same conclusion myself last night as it was as if his attending AA had never happened. I think it may have a lot to do with that he stopped taking his Anti-d's for a few wks and i didnt know.Ive got him taking them again the last 3 days but it will take time for him to feel any better again.
denny57 - im not ready to leave yet but theoretically i know that i would have custody. however it doesnt stop me being fearful that he would just take her. he's not the kind to fight it out in court as he is intelligent enough to know he would lose... the fear of him being unpredictable and just taking her is far more scary.
Janitw - thanx for the idea of the journal like i said to denny - im not ready to leave yet and i hope i never have to but the journal is something i hadnt contemplated but i will def have a think about.
hugs to you all and i look forward to getting to know you thanx
xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Welcome Marble! Keep posting and remember, there are a lot of friends on here who have shoulders to cry on and ears to hear venting. Our situations are all different but we share a lot of similarities. You'll probably find yourself saying "Wow, that sounds just like my AH!" That happens a lot. I hope and pray your situation at home improves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Maine
Posts: 4
Welcome.
Maybe you should consider some al-anon meetings or there is some good reading material like "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Keep in mind as I have 3 younger children and they are the ones that suffer the most so their wellbeing should always be first and foremost and his threats of taking the child are idle threats in another effort to put you down as alcoholics always hurt the ones they love the most and anyways it would never fly in a court of law. Talking with others in your situation in an al-anon meeting may be the best place to start.
Maybe you should consider some al-anon meetings or there is some good reading material like "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Keep in mind as I have 3 younger children and they are the ones that suffer the most so their wellbeing should always be first and foremost and his threats of taking the child are idle threats in another effort to put you down as alcoholics always hurt the ones they love the most and anyways it would never fly in a court of law. Talking with others in your situation in an al-anon meeting may be the best place to start.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome marble, and know that you will never have to be alone in all this again....you have found us, and we are all either there, too, or have been there, or trying to work through it all ourselves. we understand the insanity of living with the effects of addiction/alcoholism.
please keep coming back here, reading, and posting.....it will help you more than you will ever know. have you considered going to al-anon? al-anon helped me save my sanity and possibly my very life.
al-anon is not about the alcoholic, it is about YOU.
best to you
jeri
please keep coming back here, reading, and posting.....it will help you more than you will ever know. have you considered going to al-anon? al-anon helped me save my sanity and possibly my very life.
al-anon is not about the alcoholic, it is about YOU.
best to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Marble
denny57 - im not ready to leave yet but theoretically i know that i would have custody. however it doesnt stop me being fearful that he would just take her. he's not the kind to fight it out in court as he is intelligent enough to know he would lose... the fear of him being unpredictable and just taking her is far more scary.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 21
Hallo Marble; I am in a similar situation to you; my children are 3 and 5, and my concern for them is my big worry.
The last time that my AP was out of his head (and supposedly looking after the children, so I had to cancel my appointment and come home instead), I had a straight conversation with him (later) that appealed to his sense of how he wants his children's lives to be. I said that it was not fair for either they or me to live like this, and if he wanted to carry on drinking then that of course was up to him but that I didn't want to be part of it. He understood, took it on board and said that he would do something, has not drunk since (only one week), I am scared now as if he does drink again, which I suspect he will, then I really do have to do something. What has happened to him is that he has been unbearably moody, angry with me etc since this conversation. So I think that's good in a way, as I think it means he knows I am serious. but it is making our life so miserable! but maybe it means it is getting through.
Sorry, me rambling now, but I feel like I know where you are coming from........ Stay true to yourself and do the right thing re keeping notes etc as advised. That seems to be sensible. If he's spoken to doctors etc then there might be some mileage here too if it ever comes to that.
I
The last time that my AP was out of his head (and supposedly looking after the children, so I had to cancel my appointment and come home instead), I had a straight conversation with him (later) that appealed to his sense of how he wants his children's lives to be. I said that it was not fair for either they or me to live like this, and if he wanted to carry on drinking then that of course was up to him but that I didn't want to be part of it. He understood, took it on board and said that he would do something, has not drunk since (only one week), I am scared now as if he does drink again, which I suspect he will, then I really do have to do something. What has happened to him is that he has been unbearably moody, angry with me etc since this conversation. So I think that's good in a way, as I think it means he knows I am serious. but it is making our life so miserable! but maybe it means it is getting through.
Sorry, me rambling now, but I feel like I know where you are coming from........ Stay true to yourself and do the right thing re keeping notes etc as advised. That seems to be sensible. If he's spoken to doctors etc then there might be some mileage here too if it ever comes to that.
I
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 11
CBrown - Im so thankful to have found this forum and have already found lots of similarities + differences in things that other members have said about their AH/P. The differences have helped as well as the similarities as my AH is at an earlier stage of A which gives me hope.
Pretzel - I have been thinking about Alanon meetings quite a bit but there arent any too near me and the ones that are close enough are in the 2 areas I work. I know being annonymous it shouldnt matter but i find it hard to cross that line.
embraced2000 - your words touched me and i found very comforting as so often I have felt totally alone.
Inahurry - I feel for you as yours at those ages are even more aware than my daughter. I set a "boundary" (ooh im staring to get this terminology!) last year when I came home to find my 4 month old daughter being mostly ignored on a blanket on the floor whilst my drunk AH and his friend were playing video games. This was the start of me realising that maybe he had some serious issues with alcohol. I said right then no alcohol at all when looking after her or I would be putting her with the CM and he would pay for those 2 extra days. He has slipped 2x since then on the days he's been looking after her but only for 1 beer. I still flipped out and if it had been more than 1 drink then I most def would (will) carry out my threat. As eventho that would leave him with pretty much no £ I would rather have my daughter in a safe environment. dont apologise for rambling... thats my job lol. I really hope that your AP does keep walking up the road of recovery for all your sakes. Even if in the mean time its a bit miserable all round.
thanx everyone for the welcome xx
Pretzel - I have been thinking about Alanon meetings quite a bit but there arent any too near me and the ones that are close enough are in the 2 areas I work. I know being annonymous it shouldnt matter but i find it hard to cross that line.
embraced2000 - your words touched me and i found very comforting as so often I have felt totally alone.
Inahurry - I feel for you as yours at those ages are even more aware than my daughter. I set a "boundary" (ooh im staring to get this terminology!) last year when I came home to find my 4 month old daughter being mostly ignored on a blanket on the floor whilst my drunk AH and his friend were playing video games. This was the start of me realising that maybe he had some serious issues with alcohol. I said right then no alcohol at all when looking after her or I would be putting her with the CM and he would pay for those 2 extra days. He has slipped 2x since then on the days he's been looking after her but only for 1 beer. I still flipped out and if it had been more than 1 drink then I most def would (will) carry out my threat. As eventho that would leave him with pretty much no £ I would rather have my daughter in a safe environment. dont apologise for rambling... thats my job lol. I really hope that your AP does keep walking up the road of recovery for all your sakes. Even if in the mean time its a bit miserable all round.
thanx everyone for the welcome xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 21
Yes, I think I have been kidding myself for a long while now. this weekend it is a year since I came home from a work trip, the house was dark, the kids not here - he was supposed to have picked them up. I went round to find them - they were fine and with the childminder, however she had not heard from him.
I brought them home and he was completely out of it, had obviously been drinking all day. I vowed then it could not go on like this. Said he had to sort things out or we would have to live separately. Well, we had 4 months of sobriety this year, but since then numerous relapses, and today unfortunately he disappeared all morning (went to the pub) and has come home to sleep it off. I am dead serious and fed up of it. It's no way to bring up children, gives me a pain in my stomach with tension! So now I have to tackle him when he is sober and ask him to move out. Problem is he has no money - mind you he does work, and is perfectly capable of doing overtime. So why am I worrying about him, when he is not worrying about us? None of the options is very pleasant, but I suppose in the long run it has to be better if he moves out.
Hope all is better with you today.... I think the hardest thing for me is accepting/ understanding what the reality of the situation is - the inconsistent messages can be what blow my mind, and I suppose I just want it all to be OK, so I cling on to the ones I want to hear (ie I will change, I don't want our lives to be like this, this is not right for the kids) etc.
I brought them home and he was completely out of it, had obviously been drinking all day. I vowed then it could not go on like this. Said he had to sort things out or we would have to live separately. Well, we had 4 months of sobriety this year, but since then numerous relapses, and today unfortunately he disappeared all morning (went to the pub) and has come home to sleep it off. I am dead serious and fed up of it. It's no way to bring up children, gives me a pain in my stomach with tension! So now I have to tackle him when he is sober and ask him to move out. Problem is he has no money - mind you he does work, and is perfectly capable of doing overtime. So why am I worrying about him, when he is not worrying about us? None of the options is very pleasant, but I suppose in the long run it has to be better if he moves out.
Hope all is better with you today.... I think the hardest thing for me is accepting/ understanding what the reality of the situation is - the inconsistent messages can be what blow my mind, and I suppose I just want it all to be OK, so I cling on to the ones I want to hear (ie I will change, I don't want our lives to be like this, this is not right for the kids) etc.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 24
welcome marbel, i have been in the same boat as you and i am so sorry that you are going through this. i have made the decision to leave and it will be soon. i am not even sure he realizes wha is going on even though i have told him i am moving, just yells and calls me some really hideous names. i am lucky my kids are older and i really am at a point where i could leave most of my stuff behind in order to gain my sanity. i have been waiting 8 years for him to change, hasn't happened, don't think it ever will.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Marble
The differences have helped as well as the similarities as my AH is at an earlier stage of A which gives me hope.
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 6
Denial
Don't give up just yet!!! The reason I chose the tite denial is because a real alcoholic is not in "denial" they, we are or were "deluginal". To me denial is knowing and dening, deluginal to me is I really think that those closer to me are mistaken and if only they would understand. The practicing alcoholic do not undestand themselves so we they turn to "bluster"Leave me alone,you don't understand,angry threats such as his to you, "erritable reastless and discontent".
The most that you can do is to stop enabling him, I recommend that you go to al-anon get a sponser there an ask for the help I am sure they will so freely give.
The most that you can do is to stop enabling him, I recommend that you go to al-anon get a sponser there an ask for the help I am sure they will so freely give.
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