XAH is dating!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
(((((((chero)))))))
i know how this hurts, hon. it hurts like hell. but then i asked myself....what kind of prize from hell did she win????
because it's like you said....history shall repeat itself, if he doesn't embrace recovery. she will live the exact life as you led.....same life, different woman.
they need an enabler so their monster addiction can survive. it's their survival tool....another woman.
it doesn't help the hurt, i know. i couldn't stand the thought of my xh sharing intimate moments with another woman, but if i dwelt on it, it ruined my days.
so i just kept turning it over and praying for god to give me the wisdom and strength to find my serenity, and grab on tight.
i'm sorry for you pain, chero, but it's all part of it....moving on, that is. you'll find the strength, hon, i'm sure of it.
it helped me to think of the other woman as a tool that he needed for his alcoholism. they know not what they do.
many hugs to you, sweety
jeri
i know how this hurts, hon. it hurts like hell. but then i asked myself....what kind of prize from hell did she win????
because it's like you said....history shall repeat itself, if he doesn't embrace recovery. she will live the exact life as you led.....same life, different woman.
they need an enabler so their monster addiction can survive. it's their survival tool....another woman.
it doesn't help the hurt, i know. i couldn't stand the thought of my xh sharing intimate moments with another woman, but if i dwelt on it, it ruined my days.
so i just kept turning it over and praying for god to give me the wisdom and strength to find my serenity, and grab on tight.
i'm sorry for you pain, chero, but it's all part of it....moving on, that is. you'll find the strength, hon, i'm sure of it.
it helped me to think of the other woman as a tool that he needed for his alcoholism. they know not what they do.
many hugs to you, sweety
jeri
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
(((((((chero)))))))
i know how this hurts, hon. it hurts like hell. but then i asked myself....what kind of prize from hell did she win????
i know how this hurts, hon. it hurts like hell. but then i asked myself....what kind of prize from hell did she win????
My therapist and I had the above conversation yesterday and she too said "what prize did she win"!! So we talked some more and looking further, it turns out that WE indeed are the WINNERS...we are rid of the lying, deceiving, hurtful XA. I'm hoping someday soon to look back and kiss the ground that i'm freed of that chaos and drama....getting closer, one day at a time
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
OMG! Thank you so much you guys. I think I needed the validation. I said something to a friend of mine about him dating and she was shocked that I was upset about it. So then I thought maybe I was wrong for feeling that way. I needed to hear my feelings were normal!!
Jeri, this helps me so much!! It is his survival tool. I would never have thought of it that way.
I'm going to bed feeling better tonight!
Thanks you guys!!!!!
Originally Posted by embraced2000
it's their survival tool....another woman.
I'm going to bed feeling better tonight!
Thanks you guys!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Heh, my ex was trawling on-line within 6 weeks of our break up and engaged within 6 months. All the while, he was harrassing me to get back with him. That fiancee left him in March this year and he is already engaged to someone else. He has been married twice and I am certain that he omitted to tell me his full relationship history before I came along.
Some people can't bear to be alone, whether they are drinkers or not. Problem is, life then develops a deja vu quality as partners are selected for the same dysfunctional reasons as before.
IME, a period of "debrief" after a relationship break-up is helpful to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who would rather run after the "fun" part of dysfunctional.
Some people can't bear to be alone, whether they are drinkers or not. Problem is, life then develops a deja vu quality as partners are selected for the same dysfunctional reasons as before.
IME, a period of "debrief" after a relationship break-up is helpful to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who would rather run after the "fun" part of dysfunctional.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
By far the best way of dealing with this is total non-contact.
My ex told me about his new girlfriend and my sons - I didn't and would never have found out as I don't see him in my everyday life. I have asked him why he needed to tell us, he was unable to answer that. He lied to his mother and told her that he told us because he was worried I would hear it from a friend of his that was dropping heavy hints that he was going to tell me! Why would a friend want to do that, hurt me and hurt my sons? I don't see this guy from one year to the next anyway.
I stopped all contact on several ocassions and each time after a couple of weeks needed to contact him about something to do with my sons. Usually he is pretty OK so I then feel comfortable contacting him and even accept phone calls from him at home... each and every time he then finds an opportunity to pop at me, to be rude, hostile, aggressive and nasty. Like a small child I go back, just like I did when we were together.
But this time, just like I finally divorced him after years of indecision, and last year dropping proceedings and having him back; I've had enough. I have been burnt, hurt, abused and treated like cr** by him for the last time.
He doesn't want to see his sons anyway. He refuses to let me know dates and times in advance - he refuses to set up regular visiting times and he is not allowed to have overnight staying contact. So why do I need to speak to him, or email him or anything else? I have agreed that he can text my eldest son and arrange to meet him as long as my son tells me in advance. I don't need to have anything at all to do with him.
To be honest I should be glad that he has a new girlfriend and is not taking much interest in my sons. He is not a good male role model, he doesn't treat them well and never has had and I would prefer him totally out of our lives.. in a way he is doing what is best for all of us.
It still hurts..... but I've finally broken free, which is a good feeling. The other woman is welcome to him... for now I'm making sure that the last few years of childhood for my boys are as special as I wanted them to be.. he is not getting a chance to spoil another day of my time with them.....all too soon they will be grown up and gone and I want to make the most of the time I have left with them.
My ex told me about his new girlfriend and my sons - I didn't and would never have found out as I don't see him in my everyday life. I have asked him why he needed to tell us, he was unable to answer that. He lied to his mother and told her that he told us because he was worried I would hear it from a friend of his that was dropping heavy hints that he was going to tell me! Why would a friend want to do that, hurt me and hurt my sons? I don't see this guy from one year to the next anyway.
I stopped all contact on several ocassions and each time after a couple of weeks needed to contact him about something to do with my sons. Usually he is pretty OK so I then feel comfortable contacting him and even accept phone calls from him at home... each and every time he then finds an opportunity to pop at me, to be rude, hostile, aggressive and nasty. Like a small child I go back, just like I did when we were together.
But this time, just like I finally divorced him after years of indecision, and last year dropping proceedings and having him back; I've had enough. I have been burnt, hurt, abused and treated like cr** by him for the last time.
He doesn't want to see his sons anyway. He refuses to let me know dates and times in advance - he refuses to set up regular visiting times and he is not allowed to have overnight staying contact. So why do I need to speak to him, or email him or anything else? I have agreed that he can text my eldest son and arrange to meet him as long as my son tells me in advance. I don't need to have anything at all to do with him.
To be honest I should be glad that he has a new girlfriend and is not taking much interest in my sons. He is not a good male role model, he doesn't treat them well and never has had and I would prefer him totally out of our lives.. in a way he is doing what is best for all of us.
It still hurts..... but I've finally broken free, which is a good feeling. The other woman is welcome to him... for now I'm making sure that the last few years of childhood for my boys are as special as I wanted them to be.. he is not getting a chance to spoil another day of my time with them.....all too soon they will be grown up and gone and I want to make the most of the time I have left with them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Chero
It's sad and hurtful but try to believe that both he and she are doing you a big favour. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth 1000x times better than you accepted from him and she is welcome to him - you never want him back....say it enough and you will start to believe it! I'm still trying !!!
It's sad and hurtful but try to believe that both he and she are doing you a big favour. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth 1000x times better than you accepted from him and she is welcome to him - you never want him back....say it enough and you will start to believe it! I'm still trying !!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I don't know why it's so hurtful, yet it is. I don't want him back, no way, no how. He is a total degenerate, sick in heart and body, soulless, two-faced, lying weasel. I think about him and there are no tender feelings, no love, just ambivalence and a wish that he'd get some help. And the skank he's marrying is a conniving, unpleasant b*tch with a sickening pleasant facade. So there's zero to be hurt about, as it would take 1 second to find a better man. But I still know that dagger that goes through the gut when I hear about "the wedding plans." What is WRONG with me?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My tight-wad,penny-pinching exAH seems to be becoming the "last of the big spenders" with at least one of his females (she has big plans for his $ and he actually does have some,or did because he sold the business he started,when those two got together,I think. Fortunately we were still married, so I got half of it (hopefully). That really ticks me off, to tell the truth. We went without for many,many years and it was OK, because we were working for our future. Now here it is, and he dumps me and she gets the benefits? ugh.
Oh,well...........could be worse. The was half of something that went my way;I know many of you are not that fortunate.
Some days it feels like a waste of 30yrs to have spent loving someone who has become so shallow. It still hurts to see him with someone else (he still denies it,too....weird).
Oh,well...........could be worse. The was half of something that went my way;I know many of you are not that fortunate.
Some days it feels like a waste of 30yrs to have spent loving someone who has become so shallow. It still hurts to see him with someone else (he still denies it,too....weird).
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
In my humble opinion Claudia, it sounds as if you are still in the 'letting go' phase and this whole senerio is opening a whole load of emotions you believed you had under control. Perhaps you're not as over him as you thought?
Why are you so angry at his new woman? Surely she has not done anything to you to deserve those remarks about her?
Try to let go of your anger before it consumes you.
As I said, just my opinion. ((((Claudia))))
Why are you so angry at his new woman? Surely she has not done anything to you to deserve those remarks about her?
Try to let go of your anger before it consumes you.
As I said, just my opinion. ((((Claudia))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"Surely she has not done anything to you to deserve those remarks about her?" Personally?
Oh yes she has. Before she left him last year, I attempted to have a conversation with her about Rob's health and she turned Jekkyl/Hyde on me. She dropped her pleasant facade and really turned ugly. While I was dating R last year, she did everything she could to be "the other woman." Well hell, it takes two to tango, so that's his fault too. I heard a lot of ugly news about her ... getting fired for stealing prescriptions where she worked, dating a crack dealer, other stories of her trying to harm people. But that's her business. What turned me personally against her was when she went back with R this August. Yes, I know he is solely responsible for his drinking, but he is probably insane. Anyone who knows the situation says that she believes she can give him enough booze to finish him off, then she'll have inherited enough money to retire. That it is revenge-motivated because he dumped her in January. That, in my book, is criminal. I don't care if it's her or someone else who does that, I would call it a crime. He may be a schmuck, and if he wants to kill himself so be it, but there should not be another person helping him.
So yes, it is her that sticks in my craw. I don't even think about him except in passing. If he were seeing even a relatively decent woman, I'd say "congratulations!" as I have NO interest in them. Truthfully, maybe they deserve each other, and this is his just desserts. Lord knows, he's guilty of some pretty awful things in his past that I only recently found out about.
It is the principle, and although I will need to let it go so it doesn't eat at me, I will not condone it.
Oh yes she has. Before she left him last year, I attempted to have a conversation with her about Rob's health and she turned Jekkyl/Hyde on me. She dropped her pleasant facade and really turned ugly. While I was dating R last year, she did everything she could to be "the other woman." Well hell, it takes two to tango, so that's his fault too. I heard a lot of ugly news about her ... getting fired for stealing prescriptions where she worked, dating a crack dealer, other stories of her trying to harm people. But that's her business. What turned me personally against her was when she went back with R this August. Yes, I know he is solely responsible for his drinking, but he is probably insane. Anyone who knows the situation says that she believes she can give him enough booze to finish him off, then she'll have inherited enough money to retire. That it is revenge-motivated because he dumped her in January. That, in my book, is criminal. I don't care if it's her or someone else who does that, I would call it a crime. He may be a schmuck, and if he wants to kill himself so be it, but there should not be another person helping him.
So yes, it is her that sticks in my craw. I don't even think about him except in passing. If he were seeing even a relatively decent woman, I'd say "congratulations!" as I have NO interest in them. Truthfully, maybe they deserve each other, and this is his just desserts. Lord knows, he's guilty of some pretty awful things in his past that I only recently found out about.
It is the principle, and although I will need to let it go so it doesn't eat at me, I will not condone it.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by CBrown
"Surely she has not done anything to you to deserve those remarks about her?" Personally?
Oh yes she has. Before she left him last year, I attempted to have a conversation with her about Rob's health and she turned Jekkyl/Hyde on me. She dropped her pleasant facade and really turned ugly. While I was dating R last year, she did everything she could to be "the other woman." Well hell, it takes two to tango, so that's his fault too. I heard a lot of ugly news about her ... getting fired for stealing prescriptions where she worked, dating a crack dealer, other stories of her trying to harm people. But that's her business. What turned me personally against her was when she went back with R this August. Yes, I know he is solely responsible for his drinking, but he is probably insane. Anyone who knows the situation says that she believes she can give him enough booze to finish him off, then she'll have inherited enough money to retire. That it is revenge-motivated because he dumped her in January. That, in my book, is criminal. I don't care if it's her or someone else who does that, I would call it a crime. He may be a schmuck, and if he wants to kill himself so be it, but there should not be another person helping him.
So yes, it is her that sticks in my craw. I don't even think about him except in passing. If he were seeing even a relatively decent woman, I'd say "congratulations!" as I have NO interest in them. Truthfully, maybe they deserve each other, and this is his just desserts. Lord knows, he's guilty of some pretty awful things in his past that I only recently found out about.
It is the principle, and although I will need to let it go so it doesn't eat at me, I will not condone it.
Oh yes she has. Before she left him last year, I attempted to have a conversation with her about Rob's health and she turned Jekkyl/Hyde on me. She dropped her pleasant facade and really turned ugly. While I was dating R last year, she did everything she could to be "the other woman." Well hell, it takes two to tango, so that's his fault too. I heard a lot of ugly news about her ... getting fired for stealing prescriptions where she worked, dating a crack dealer, other stories of her trying to harm people. But that's her business. What turned me personally against her was when she went back with R this August. Yes, I know he is solely responsible for his drinking, but he is probably insane. Anyone who knows the situation says that she believes she can give him enough booze to finish him off, then she'll have inherited enough money to retire. That it is revenge-motivated because he dumped her in January. That, in my book, is criminal. I don't care if it's her or someone else who does that, I would call it a crime. He may be a schmuck, and if he wants to kill himself so be it, but there should not be another person helping him.
So yes, it is her that sticks in my craw. I don't even think about him except in passing. If he were seeing even a relatively decent woman, I'd say "congratulations!" as I have NO interest in them. Truthfully, maybe they deserve each other, and this is his just desserts. Lord knows, he's guilty of some pretty awful things in his past that I only recently found out about.
It is the principle, and although I will need to let it go so it doesn't eat at me, I will not condone it.
Wow! For someone who is over him and moving on, you sure give him (and her) a lot of space in your head.
JMHO,
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
It is hurtful. It is insulting to be treated as easily and instantly replacable and it is indecent behavior....and decent people recognize that. Time unfolds the truth and reality is known and any divorce requires time to heal.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Wow. I am always blown away by how you guys know what's going on inside my head, and by how you were all married to my XAH!
Chero, I have been dealing with the same thing. My X had a girlfriend shortly after he walked out (Probably before that ...) and was trying to make the kids "do things with her" before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. It never occured to him that they would be upset by this.
I went through all the victim stuff ~ of course, he would be a different man with her, she was "good" enough to change him, I was the cause of his addiction, all that codie hogwash. I also found myself up to my neck in Denial, overlooking the hell life was with him, and thinking that maybe, just maybe life was better with him, no matter what his addiction ....
Yikes!!! Did I really go there??? Yes, and I nearly thought I was back at square one of recovery! But I know now that I've come a long way. Instead of giving into it, I began using some of the things I've learned in recovery ~ okay, I actually have been working my butt off using my new skills! I decided that, every time I started feeling blue and dwelling on "them", I would tell myself that I'm not a victim, and not going to indulge in a pity party. Then I gave it to my HP and moved on. hardwork when you want to be in your comfort zone. Sometimes I'd have to do this dozens of times a day. I'm miles from fine, but I've come miles from despair.
It recently occured to me (this is where I love my SR family so much ~ when I finally "get" something that non codies take for granted, they usually think there's something wrong with me. You guys know full well how exciting feeling an honest feeling can be!) that X has no desire to recover, and is deep in denial. There is no way on earth his behaviors have changed, as he believes there is nothing to change. GF may be in the "honeymoon" period with X, as I once was, but that period is simply the calm before the storm. And x is already driving her car ("mine is getting old"), living free off her ("I pay alot of child support and the mortgage"), and bragging about the things she buys him.(he actually told my kids his new GF is "loaded"). Been there, done that.
My therapist also suggested that GF has her own Codie issues, and may for all I know be a user, too. Never thought of that.
So now I'm moving on. I still have moments, but they aren't so long or so frequent. For the most part, I'm able to be happy with the direction I'm headed in, and for the opportunities I have now. I also am facing the reality that X's new GF will now be the one who is trapped. She might just enjoy it. I hope so, for her sake, because I know the life she's taking on. Poor thing.
Chero, I have been dealing with the same thing. My X had a girlfriend shortly after he walked out (Probably before that ...) and was trying to make the kids "do things with her" before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. It never occured to him that they would be upset by this.
I went through all the victim stuff ~ of course, he would be a different man with her, she was "good" enough to change him, I was the cause of his addiction, all that codie hogwash. I also found myself up to my neck in Denial, overlooking the hell life was with him, and thinking that maybe, just maybe life was better with him, no matter what his addiction ....
Yikes!!! Did I really go there??? Yes, and I nearly thought I was back at square one of recovery! But I know now that I've come a long way. Instead of giving into it, I began using some of the things I've learned in recovery ~ okay, I actually have been working my butt off using my new skills! I decided that, every time I started feeling blue and dwelling on "them", I would tell myself that I'm not a victim, and not going to indulge in a pity party. Then I gave it to my HP and moved on. hardwork when you want to be in your comfort zone. Sometimes I'd have to do this dozens of times a day. I'm miles from fine, but I've come miles from despair.
It recently occured to me (this is where I love my SR family so much ~ when I finally "get" something that non codies take for granted, they usually think there's something wrong with me. You guys know full well how exciting feeling an honest feeling can be!) that X has no desire to recover, and is deep in denial. There is no way on earth his behaviors have changed, as he believes there is nothing to change. GF may be in the "honeymoon" period with X, as I once was, but that period is simply the calm before the storm. And x is already driving her car ("mine is getting old"), living free off her ("I pay alot of child support and the mortgage"), and bragging about the things she buys him.(he actually told my kids his new GF is "loaded"). Been there, done that.
My therapist also suggested that GF has her own Codie issues, and may for all I know be a user, too. Never thought of that.
So now I'm moving on. I still have moments, but they aren't so long or so frequent. For the most part, I'm able to be happy with the direction I'm headed in, and for the opportunities I have now. I also am facing the reality that X's new GF will now be the one who is trapped. She might just enjoy it. I hope so, for her sake, because I know the life she's taking on. Poor thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There but for the Grace of God, how fortunate we are to be out of it with our own chance to be happy, joyous and free!!!!
From watching my ex....and addiction being progressive, it just gets more hellish.
From watching my ex....and addiction being progressive, it just gets more hellish.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by guineapigjude
Wow. I am always blown away by how you guys know what's going on inside my head, and by how you were all married to my XAH!
Originally Posted by happysoul
what special thing are you doing for yourself? Cuz girl - we deserve it!!!
You know, though, I think I'm so afraid that my emotions will take over that I haven't let myself come up for any 'me' time in awhile. I've just stayed sooo busy in an effort to keep from dealing with all this junk. Maybe I do need a little 'me' time! Afterall,
Originally Posted by happysoul
we deserve it!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Okay ~ heres one I wanted to share with you all, to remember when I'm on the verge of the blues over X and imagining the "wonderful" life he's having with his new GF ...
During our years together, X was infamous for getting me cheapo gifts and telling me how much they cost ... as in the "$100" necklace costing $20, the "$1500" engagement ring costing $750 ~ (he used my $ to boot and blew the rest up his nose, and I still married him. Am I the codie queen or what???). For the first few years I was thrilled with his gifts (that he spent any money on me was wonderful) and believed every word he said. As time went on, and I realized the guy was spending hundreds and hndreds a month on booze, drugs, and gambling, somehow the thrill was gone, and I began to resent anything he gave me as being insulting.
Well, XAH had the kids yesterday, and they went to Walmart. My daughter always tells me about her time with dad. So today she was telling me how dad got his GF an alarm clock and a watch, because she has neither and she's always late to work. (Hmmm. Responsibilty in action?) My daughter went on to say how he picked GF out a really beautiful silver watch for $35, then put it down and got her the one on sale for $5.83!!!
Poor GF. She is supporting XAH, letting him use her car, being his new codie. She will be thrilled with the watch, and he will tell her it cost $35 (or more). She will believe him and think she's hit the jackpot. Been there, done that. She will also one day find herself in the hell I escaped. I wouldn't wish what she has coming on anyone!
During our years together, X was infamous for getting me cheapo gifts and telling me how much they cost ... as in the "$100" necklace costing $20, the "$1500" engagement ring costing $750 ~ (he used my $ to boot and blew the rest up his nose, and I still married him. Am I the codie queen or what???). For the first few years I was thrilled with his gifts (that he spent any money on me was wonderful) and believed every word he said. As time went on, and I realized the guy was spending hundreds and hndreds a month on booze, drugs, and gambling, somehow the thrill was gone, and I began to resent anything he gave me as being insulting.
Well, XAH had the kids yesterday, and they went to Walmart. My daughter always tells me about her time with dad. So today she was telling me how dad got his GF an alarm clock and a watch, because she has neither and she's always late to work. (Hmmm. Responsibilty in action?) My daughter went on to say how he picked GF out a really beautiful silver watch for $35, then put it down and got her the one on sale for $5.83!!!
Poor GF. She is supporting XAH, letting him use her car, being his new codie. She will be thrilled with the watch, and he will tell her it cost $35 (or more). She will believe him and think she's hit the jackpot. Been there, done that. She will also one day find herself in the hell I escaped. I wouldn't wish what she has coming on anyone!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Yup, I know about cheap too, my X actually asked me if i would like his Xgf's engagement ring with a different stone?????? Is that even normal??? I've heard of maybe taking the stone for another setting but keep the setting?????? He's just a cheap jerk and they now deserve each other......:wtf2
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Well, I may have to change my cell phone number! I hate to do that but now XAH is texting me talking about seeing her, smelling her, feeling her, kissing her, etc...that's where he wants to be.
So, I bit and asked who he was talking about. He said the name of his girlfriend.
Seriously, why tell me that??
I'm so going to have to change my number, aren't I?
So, I bit and asked who he was talking about. He said the name of his girlfriend.
Seriously, why tell me that??
I'm so going to have to change my number, aren't I?
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