inflamleft

ok, I am brand new at this site and have looked at several of the posts out there. My husband is an alcoholic and an addict. He has several (I think 5 but I lost track) DUI's. The last one he was sentenced for 5 years - did I mention he was still on parole from his last dui when he got another - it was 3 months after he got out from the prior one that he relapsed - drinking. He went in Nov of 05 for parole violation and then he stayed until his sentencing for the next dui. He just was paroled to a work release center in April and he came home in August - so in all he was gone well over a year and a half. I suspected him smoking pot about a month ago and did actually walk in on him, about 3 weeks ago he took my pain meds and now again just on Sat he was on something and then didn't come home until Sunday night. In Aug of 06 I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer - have gone to hell and back with that - and yes, he was gone while I went through it all. This type of breast cancer is very aggressive and does not have a very good survial rate, I am doing well right now and have tests done each month. While he was confined he was so sorry about being gone from me during this time and loosing me really was going to straighten him out....well, guess what? It did not. I am so in shock right now, I don't know what to do. I am so confused and upset and hurt and everything that goes with it. I know it makes a difference if he continues to pick up where he left off or if he uses the tools to try and work his program. He is on parole now and won't they do a drug test on him? All the plans he made while he was gone from us have completely gone away...I try to talk to him about them and he gets angry about it and like most addicts/alcoholics - he tries to turn things around on me. I have attended AlAnon before. He also has even tried to blame my cancer - which is a huge copout. I keep hanging onto the sober person because he is so wonderful then, but it is not worth this to me anymore. Life is too short. I just don't know what to do. Can someone give me some advice.

best

For a start... Prayers that your cancer stays under control.

I would say ... get yourself back to some meetings.
You have enough to deal with in your own health that the tools found at Al Anon meetings will guide you to take the worry off of him and start doing good things with that time...for you.

Barbara52

Welcome. You have my prayers also.

Only you can decide what it is you need to do of course but getting all the information you can and exporing options is probably a good startng point.

mushroom

Not much advice here. Lots of sympathy, and a shoulder to cry on!

What a burden - cancer, AND an unrecovered alkie husband!

You can aggressively manage your cancer. You can do NOTHING about your husband's problems. HE has to be the one to manage himself, and he's not doing it.

You have to decide - is he a support, or a burden? You are not responsible for helping him with his problems, helping him doesn't help him, it just allows him to continue to cop out. You need his support right now, and he's not capable of doing it so long as he remains unrecovered.

You're right, life IS too short to spend it waiting for an alkie who doesn't want to recover. Seek out support groups, not just Al Anon, but cancer patients too, and let go of all expectations of your husband being a husband. So long as he doesn't work on recovery, the sober person you love so much is not the real person but just an act., and one that he won't be able to keep going for long. Sober is not the same as recovered.

Keep reading and posting!

CarolD

Prayers that you continue to improve
Welcome to SR!

ICU

Welcome to SR inflamleft.

First of all, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Stress, obviously, is not good for us. It is very damaging both emotionally, and physically. I think that resuming Alanon meetings and perhaps a cancer support group might just help to relieve or better manage at least 'some' of your stress.

I would think that he's got his hands full with his addiction and the law. That's his cross to bear, and his alone.

Anyway, keep doing good healthy things for yourself. This sounds rather simplistic but I'm a firm believer in doing one or two good or fun things for myself each day. Doesn't have to be anything huge. Just things that you 'enjoy'. It's made a huge difference in my life and I'm hoping you'll give it a try and find the same thing is true for you as well.

In the mean time, keep coming back. We're all here to support you!

denny57

I would have to say there is no sober person left there, just times when there is no drinking.

How about a return to Al-Anon for you?

((()))

Peter

So , whether he is IN jail or OUT of jail you still have no support from your huz. Sounds to me like you have a couple of tough decisions to make. keep going to alanon. They might be able to help you to decide what you need to do.

Best of luck to you with the cancer.

tollbooth

You're way too kind by just calling it a huge copout. I'd post my personal opinion, but that would be counterproductive! Best wishes for a healthy, complete remission inflamleft:day4

inflamleft

I actually had more emotional support when he was in jail - and I was so much more relaxed...go figure....Sounds terrible, but we were much closer while he was gone, we talked, we laughed and we dreamed together.....then reality hits when he comes home and it isn't so good

MsPINKAcres

((inflamleft))

prayers for you - for physical healing & emotional peace.

You are worthy of a Happy, Joyous & Free life. For me, reading recovery literature, attending Al-Anon meetings, posting on SR, taking with other recovery people, and improving my relationship with my HP is what is helping learn to live Happy, Joyous and Free.

Wishing you that same freedom,
Rita

Buffalo66

Gosh, I just feel like my A takes so much energy from me, and whether in jail or not, you are not getting your fair share out of the relationship...

My first response, in my gut, to your post, was for you to leave abruptly, and completely. You have to devote your ENERGY to your body healing.

I know,it is easier said than done, and it is hard to be alone. Only you can know, but, if you can, ALAnon will give you some grounding...legs to stand on. B66

inflamleft

I know leaving would probably be the best. But what do I do, everything is in my name and what about the kids. I have thought the last couple of days about just saying screw it, and leaving and just getting an apt on my own. My oldest could feasibly go out on his own, he is 20, works full time and pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. My next is 17 and graduates this year, and then my youngest is 11. I keep thinking I just need to stick it out until she graduates then the youngest and I can just go....
He won't go, he has no where to go and no way to get there - how sad! No person in his family would let him stay with them. I know that part isn't my problem, but he won't go, so that would leave me leaving

DesertEyes

Hello there inflamleft, and pleased to "meet" you

There's a couple of slogans that worked well for me when I had to leave my ex. The first is "Easy Does It". That means that you are not leaving him _today_. You are just thinking about it. So you don't have to do all the planning and decisions _today_. You can do all that tomorow, or the day after.

The other slogan is "Baby Steps". That means that should you decide to leave him, you don't pack all your things, get a job, a new apartment, and a new car all before lunch First you go to some meetings of al-anon and ask the people there for a good lawyer. Some days later you go meet the lawyer and ask what your options are. Maybe you don't like the lawyer so you go meet a different one.

The point is, you don't have to solve all the problems of the world in just one day. I used to try that, and it never worked for me. What worked for me was lots of meetings of al-anon, reading many of their books, getting a good sponsor to talk things over with, and doing it all in "Baby steps"

Mike

inflamleft

Pleased to meet you too Desert Eyes!
Thank you for your insight, I will try the baby steps and see how things fall into place. I have a strong faith in my hp and will see where that leads.
While he was in jail and i was going through chemo, he kept saying he wished he was home to take care of everything for me, I kept saying, no, he was where he needed to be at that time, working on himself. I told him if he was home and in the shape he was in before he went in then my stress would have been really bad!
Ya know, I am so tired of being the strong one, from everything. I do know now, that he really will never be there for me, he has proven that time and time again...
I remember back in the spring of 97 - i was pregnant and started to hemorage - well to make a long story short, my friend and he argued who would get me to the hosp and who would stay with our other two kids - he won - he took me to the hosp and she took the kids - he got me to the hosp, I passed out, woke up and he went to get me registered and then was coming right back in - well, at midnight I called her to come get me from the hospital - didn't see him for 3 days after that. He also had my new van which I was in the middle of purchasing when I started bleeding - and he didn't even have a drivers license....
So, it continues....

DesertEyes

Been there, done that. I was the strong one in my marriage too. I didn't know back then that a marriage was supposed to be a partnership of equals. Today I know better.

I have a heart condition, and I'm supposed to stay away from "any and all stress". The biggest stress for me was _not_ being under stress. I spent my whole life being the one in control, and therefore the one with the stress. Learning how to allow others to do _for_ me, instead of me always being the one doing for others, was a bit of an obstacle.

Today I realize that when I allow others to do things for me it makes _them_ feel good about themselves. My physical condition is a challenge for me, but it is also a gift that I can give to others.

I dunno, inflam, it sounds to me like you've turned a corner in your life. Sounds to me like you have begun the journey so that it will _not_ continue as it has in the past. Whatever you decide to do with your marriage, _you_ are on a new path where your life will belong to _you_, and not to others.

Welcome to Recovery and welcome to your new life. I think you're going to enjoy it as much as the rest of us have.

Mike