My partner stopped drinking this weekend...
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
My partner stopped drinking this weekend...
but had a couple on Monday, I don't think he has stopped out of choice, more that we have got no money what so ever at the moment so he can't buy any. He managed to have some on Monday as one of his 'friends' turned up to the house with a drink for them both.
He has become increasingly grumpy since he stopped and has attempted to make me believe that what I know has happened actually never did. I told him last night during one of these conversations that we should agree to disagree, I was told that I wouldn't allow him to speak, to which I replied 'that wasn't speaking that was beginning an arguement and I will not argue', he got up and left the room telling me I was hard work sometimes 'yeah I know' I answered. Today I asked him to do something which I have asked him to do a multitude of times. 'I've said I will now drop it!' I got in return. I hung up the phone because I knew I was getting upset and irritated. I then called him back a little calmer and told him 'I hate that you think my asking you to do this is an attack on you when it is not, you have to admit that I have asked you to do things many times and they have not been done'. 'Trust me I'll do it' was his reply. To which I told him he needs to prove I can trust him.
I am trying to act a new role in this 'alcoholism is a 3 act play' (great sticky), but I'm not sure if I am still allowing him to berate me too long before I stop it, or even if I am being too harsh to him right now, as he is detoxing and feeling on edge with the lack of booze, and to top it off his gf is now acting in a completely new way that is alien to him. Its so confusing, how do you know whether you are acting as a healthy person would whilst not being an enabler, victim or provoker?
He has become increasingly grumpy since he stopped and has attempted to make me believe that what I know has happened actually never did. I told him last night during one of these conversations that we should agree to disagree, I was told that I wouldn't allow him to speak, to which I replied 'that wasn't speaking that was beginning an arguement and I will not argue', he got up and left the room telling me I was hard work sometimes 'yeah I know' I answered. Today I asked him to do something which I have asked him to do a multitude of times. 'I've said I will now drop it!' I got in return. I hung up the phone because I knew I was getting upset and irritated. I then called him back a little calmer and told him 'I hate that you think my asking you to do this is an attack on you when it is not, you have to admit that I have asked you to do things many times and they have not been done'. 'Trust me I'll do it' was his reply. To which I told him he needs to prove I can trust him.
I am trying to act a new role in this 'alcoholism is a 3 act play' (great sticky), but I'm not sure if I am still allowing him to berate me too long before I stop it, or even if I am being too harsh to him right now, as he is detoxing and feeling on edge with the lack of booze, and to top it off his gf is now acting in a completely new way that is alien to him. Its so confusing, how do you know whether you are acting as a healthy person would whilst not being an enabler, victim or provoker?
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
My AH was totally grumpy for a while. Now he is past that and is very nice and pleasant. But he is not working any program so don't know how long it will last. Maybe yours will move into a nicer mode, I will hope for that.
Not sure if you are "waiting too long", but you do not deserve to be berated. Maybe set a boundary that "you will be happy to talk about things when it can be with mutual respect" and if he cannot do that, wait till a later time to talk.
For me, I had to stop the "you should...." line of thought for my own sanity. I had to learn that I cannot control him, make him do anything. I am just trying to do what I need do, fulfull my responsibilites and leave him to figure out what his are. If it is something that really needs to be done, I will ask him, then leave it alone. He alone is responsible for his actions. If it is something urgent, they know it. Put it out there and leave it alone is what I do.
Just my approach...thought I would share. Not trying to tell you what to do!!!
Not sure if you are "waiting too long", but you do not deserve to be berated. Maybe set a boundary that "you will be happy to talk about things when it can be with mutual respect" and if he cannot do that, wait till a later time to talk.
For me, I had to stop the "you should...." line of thought for my own sanity. I had to learn that I cannot control him, make him do anything. I am just trying to do what I need do, fulfull my responsibilites and leave him to figure out what his are. If it is something that really needs to be done, I will ask him, then leave it alone. He alone is responsible for his actions. If it is something urgent, they know it. Put it out there and leave it alone is what I do.
Just my approach...thought I would share. Not trying to tell you what to do!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Getting off the merry-go-round; changing the third act; no more roller coaster. Whatever I call it, it meant not engaging in the same old conversations with an active drinker. I could not find a "nicer" way to communicate with AH because he didn't want my communication even if it was wrapped in honey.
Is there someone else you can ask to do whatever it is that needs done? Can you do it yourself? Remove his doing it from the equation and serenity will come.
Is there someone else you can ask to do whatever it is that needs done? Can you do it yourself? Remove his doing it from the equation and serenity will come.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
He managed to have some on Monday as one of his 'friends' turned up to the house with a drink for them both.
He has become increasingly grumpy since he stopped?
He has become increasingly grumpy since he stopped?
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thanks for the advice,
I have asked him to go to therapy together, keeps saying no. He doesn't want to share his personal life with a stranger. Heck, he won't even share it with his own family! No one except me is supposed to know about his problem (except that I've told my mum without him knowing, oh, and of course his drinking chums).
Unfortunately this is something that only he can sort out, as it is about his wages from work and I'm not authorised. Usually I organise everything myself because I've grown tired of waiting for him to get his act together.
As to Al-anon, I'd love to go to a meeting. I have found one local once a week, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to get myself there yet. Its on a Saturday night and I have no one to look after my 9yr old daughter, except ABF who is not exactly dependable!
I have asked him to go to therapy together, keeps saying no. He doesn't want to share his personal life with a stranger. Heck, he won't even share it with his own family! No one except me is supposed to know about his problem (except that I've told my mum without him knowing, oh, and of course his drinking chums).
Unfortunately this is something that only he can sort out, as it is about his wages from work and I'm not authorised. Usually I organise everything myself because I've grown tired of waiting for him to get his act together.
As to Al-anon, I'd love to go to a meeting. I have found one local once a week, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to get myself there yet. Its on a Saturday night and I have no one to look after my 9yr old daughter, except ABF who is not exactly dependable!
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Ok, define "stopped drinking" to me?? I know what it means to me, but am curious as to what it means to you??
I guess I define 'stopped' as he didn't drink that day.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I was the ultimate provoker. If this was an Olympic sport, I was sure to bring home the gold medal! My AH has never 'quit' for any real length of time. Possibly a week last year, and yes, he was meaner than when he drank. Anything I said would provoke him. I would just suggest letting him deal with it. It's not really your problem whether he drinks today, yesterday, or tomorrow. I try to keep my nagging down to a minimum. If I have asked him to do something, and it doesn't get done, I just do it myself and let it go. I don't hold a grudge about it, resent him for not doing whatever it was, and try my best to never bring it up again. I get alot of "I was going to do that" from AH, and I just smile and say, don't worry about it, it's done.
I think you already are learning how to not react....it takes practice. Alcoholics weren't made in a day, and neither were co-dependants
My AH always accused me of treating him like a child. While this was entirely true, because that is how he was behaving, it did nothing but make it worse. Things do get better when we change ourselves, instead of trying to change the A in our lives. (at least in my case that's the way it worked.)
One other point, an alcoholic will not stop drinking just because he has no money. He/she will just get more creative in ways to get it. Hide the jewelry
I think you already are learning how to not react....it takes practice. Alcoholics weren't made in a day, and neither were co-dependants
My AH always accused me of treating him like a child. While this was entirely true, because that is how he was behaving, it did nothing but make it worse. Things do get better when we change ourselves, instead of trying to change the A in our lives. (at least in my case that's the way it worked.)
One other point, an alcoholic will not stop drinking just because he has no money. He/she will just get more creative in ways to get it. Hide the jewelry
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thanks HolyQow, he lasted two days again. Drank yesterday, and I haven't spoken to him yet today to see whether he is or not. I know I'll find out when I get home.
Your right about the money. I don't know why I sometimes believe that if I take the alcohol away or if the money isn't there it'll get better. I guess it shows how much I still don't understand. I asked him whether he had stopped because of the lack of funds and he told me very honestly that if he wanted it, he would loan the money from a friend or even porn some of his belongings. I have already noticed things going astray. Not mine thankfully! But his amplifier has gone to the pron shop not to come back and his mother's gold ring that she left to him to pass to his daughter disappeared some months ago.
He told me this had been put away in 'his hiding place' upstairs. Now I believe thats gone too, which just shows how ill he is, as he was devestated with her loss and it was all he had of hers. I don't believe in this hiding place, that was most likely just a way to make me feel that he can get away with things/keep things out of my knowledge. I don't know who he thinks he's kidding there.
As really can be quite pitiful can't they?
Your right about the money. I don't know why I sometimes believe that if I take the alcohol away or if the money isn't there it'll get better. I guess it shows how much I still don't understand. I asked him whether he had stopped because of the lack of funds and he told me very honestly that if he wanted it, he would loan the money from a friend or even porn some of his belongings. I have already noticed things going astray. Not mine thankfully! But his amplifier has gone to the pron shop not to come back and his mother's gold ring that she left to him to pass to his daughter disappeared some months ago.
He told me this had been put away in 'his hiding place' upstairs. Now I believe thats gone too, which just shows how ill he is, as he was devestated with her loss and it was all he had of hers. I don't believe in this hiding place, that was most likely just a way to make me feel that he can get away with things/keep things out of my knowledge. I don't know who he thinks he's kidding there.
As really can be quite pitiful can't they?
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