how can I stop this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
how can I stop this?
we went to mediation to settle things once and for all, it lasted over 8 hours!! I ended up on the defensive, crying and shaking because of his threats to "take me to court and get custody of the kids!" "he is ready to go on the stand and claim that he's never had a drink in his life" the mediator told me! What the f$%$! Purjory?! Sorry, they tell me, it's my word against his... they wish he had a drug problem so they could test a hair follicle, but there is no way to prove alcoholism!
I was forced to sign a temporary mediation agreement that allows 2 overnight visitations in November and 2 full weekend visits w/out overnights in October... we will meet again in December...
Prior to this meeting I was in hiding across the state with the kids because of his threats to "take the kids and you'll never see them again" and "divorce me, and I'll take the kids from you"...
He is insane! How do I stop him from even continuing with ANY overnights? It doesn't make sense, I finally find the strength to detach from an alcoholic and asked him to leave last year, the kids and I have been more than happy without him, and I even allowed 2 daytime visits per week, albeit, in my house so I could supervise, and he never asked for more... but now that I've actually filed for divorce and he sees me moving on, he is fighting with everything he has to hurt me where I am the most sensitive, the CHILDREN (ages 3 and 8)...
So I can move on and try to have a happy and healthy life and never live with him again, but my children have to be forced to live with him???
How do I make his past relevent?, how do I prove how untrustworthy, unpredictable, manipulative and mean he is? in court?
I have lost over 10 pounds in the past week and I feel constantly sick, I feel like all I've done is the right thing, and now I'm being punished by having my children taken away from me! This can't happen.... maybe I should withdrawl my petition for divorce and just live with the jerk so that I can have my children 24/7, I cannot accept not seeing my children for every other weekend, I cannot...
please help...
good news is, I finally feel angry, I have been through all of the emotions of the grieving process and was so stuck on hurt/saddness, it feels good to finally feel mad, well, it doesn't really feel good, in fact, I still feel so hurt and betrayed, but anger is in there too...
I was forced to sign a temporary mediation agreement that allows 2 overnight visitations in November and 2 full weekend visits w/out overnights in October... we will meet again in December...
Prior to this meeting I was in hiding across the state with the kids because of his threats to "take the kids and you'll never see them again" and "divorce me, and I'll take the kids from you"...
He is insane! How do I stop him from even continuing with ANY overnights? It doesn't make sense, I finally find the strength to detach from an alcoholic and asked him to leave last year, the kids and I have been more than happy without him, and I even allowed 2 daytime visits per week, albeit, in my house so I could supervise, and he never asked for more... but now that I've actually filed for divorce and he sees me moving on, he is fighting with everything he has to hurt me where I am the most sensitive, the CHILDREN (ages 3 and 8)...
So I can move on and try to have a happy and healthy life and never live with him again, but my children have to be forced to live with him???
How do I make his past relevent?, how do I prove how untrustworthy, unpredictable, manipulative and mean he is? in court?
I have lost over 10 pounds in the past week and I feel constantly sick, I feel like all I've done is the right thing, and now I'm being punished by having my children taken away from me! This can't happen.... maybe I should withdrawl my petition for divorce and just live with the jerk so that I can have my children 24/7, I cannot accept not seeing my children for every other weekend, I cannot...
please help...
good news is, I finally feel angry, I have been through all of the emotions of the grieving process and was so stuck on hurt/saddness, it feels good to finally feel mad, well, it doesn't really feel good, in fact, I still feel so hurt and betrayed, but anger is in there too...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'm so sorry.........hopefully others will be along soon with helpful advice.
My kids were older, but my lawyer basically said the same thing. AH was the one divorcing me and his lawyer filed temp. "emergency" restraining order against me for AH and our then 17y daughter (who was living with me). She called the lawyer and told him that under no circumstances would she live with him;she would run away first. AH had the two RO's dropped.
My lawyer said we would not even make it an issue in court because it was my word (and kids) against his and he had no DUI's,etc.
Does not seem right;I understand your frustration (and with young children,fear).
My kids were older, but my lawyer basically said the same thing. AH was the one divorcing me and his lawyer filed temp. "emergency" restraining order against me for AH and our then 17y daughter (who was living with me). She called the lawyer and told him that under no circumstances would she live with him;she would run away first. AH had the two RO's dropped.
My lawyer said we would not even make it an issue in court because it was my word (and kids) against his and he had no DUI's,etc.
Does not seem right;I understand your frustration (and with young children,fear).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Has he ever had any medical issues related to his alcoholism? Like, blood tests showing elevated liver enzymes, or attempts at recovering with therapists etc?
My AH has done all this and my sollicitor told me that if he ever threatened to seek custody of the kids (which he did of course), she would subponea all his medical records showing that he is an active alcoholic.
My AH has done all this and my sollicitor told me that if he ever threatened to seek custody of the kids (which he did of course), she would subponea all his medical records showing that he is an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
OK, just read one of your first posts and you mention that you have been to mariage councelling and that the therapist suggested he checks himself into rehab. That's all it takes. If kids' safety is in the picture, the courts can subponea these medical records. Check with your sollicitor and next time you AH bullies you, the same way as mine did, throw that into his face. That stopped my AH's bullying, threats, blackmail right then. He knew I meant business.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
so sorry to hear you are in such pain.
I don't remember your story. Is he abusive? The law in my state does not protect children from an alcoholic parent unless there is some evidence of rehabs, or he has a record of abuse. Basically, me saying he is an alcoholic is not a reason for him to not see his children.
I remember during my divorce many many years ago, our mediator referred us to a state run program for kids and adults gonig through custody battles. I remember them saying, if there is not abuse, then I, the non-alcoholic had to stop trying to control the situation. He was their father and he deserved to see them. I could not FATHOM this. My XAH was not abusive in the sense that the court considers abuse. He was neglectful. No matter what I said, so, "you feel it's okay for him to have the children (ages 2 and 4 at the time) even if he is driving drunk, and spend all his time in the basement and communicates with them via walkie talkies - and they are allowed to watch MTV and any other program he had on his cable because he doesn't supervise??????"
But, my only choice was to accept the fact that I had absolutely no control over what he/they did when they were with him, period. It was difficult, but I did learn to live with it, not accept it, but live with it. Then when they were about 8 and 10, and able to communicate better, they were acting "older" than their ages, probably due to watching whatever they wanted on tv, and he let them listen to a audio tape of Donald Duck having oral sx. (the "who's your daddy" one that was going around 12 years ago.) I felt this was enough to take him back to court, I did and we were forced to see a court ordered counselor and he was so mad because he truly didn't think he was doing anything wrong so he walked out, so I ended up getting full custody. I am sure deep down he new he was wrong but could never admit to me or anyone else that he was wrong. My oldest is now 24 and she probably has seen him less than ten times since she was ten. He lives about two miles from us.
Basically, he made his bed and had to lie in it. But, it took several years.
Is there a reason why you think he would get custody over you?
Just wanted to share my story, so you can see that there is hope, maybe not in the timeline you wish, but don't ever lose hope.
Peace and contentment to you.
I don't remember your story. Is he abusive? The law in my state does not protect children from an alcoholic parent unless there is some evidence of rehabs, or he has a record of abuse. Basically, me saying he is an alcoholic is not a reason for him to not see his children.
I remember during my divorce many many years ago, our mediator referred us to a state run program for kids and adults gonig through custody battles. I remember them saying, if there is not abuse, then I, the non-alcoholic had to stop trying to control the situation. He was their father and he deserved to see them. I could not FATHOM this. My XAH was not abusive in the sense that the court considers abuse. He was neglectful. No matter what I said, so, "you feel it's okay for him to have the children (ages 2 and 4 at the time) even if he is driving drunk, and spend all his time in the basement and communicates with them via walkie talkies - and they are allowed to watch MTV and any other program he had on his cable because he doesn't supervise??????"
But, my only choice was to accept the fact that I had absolutely no control over what he/they did when they were with him, period. It was difficult, but I did learn to live with it, not accept it, but live with it. Then when they were about 8 and 10, and able to communicate better, they were acting "older" than their ages, probably due to watching whatever they wanted on tv, and he let them listen to a audio tape of Donald Duck having oral sx. (the "who's your daddy" one that was going around 12 years ago.) I felt this was enough to take him back to court, I did and we were forced to see a court ordered counselor and he was so mad because he truly didn't think he was doing anything wrong so he walked out, so I ended up getting full custody. I am sure deep down he new he was wrong but could never admit to me or anyone else that he was wrong. My oldest is now 24 and she probably has seen him less than ten times since she was ten. He lives about two miles from us.
Basically, he made his bed and had to lie in it. But, it took several years.
Is there a reason why you think he would get custody over you?
Just wanted to share my story, so you can see that there is hope, maybe not in the timeline you wish, but don't ever lose hope.
Peace and contentment to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I don't have any experience to share but it might be a good idea to start documenting everything he says and does that has to do with the kids.
It might come in handy in the future.
Especially during a crisis, I hope you have some good face to face support (Alanon?)
and also hope you will keep posting here, where so many people are on YOUR side.
Please take good care of yourself.
It might come in handy in the future.
Especially during a crisis, I hope you have some good face to face support (Alanon?)
and also hope you will keep posting here, where so many people are on YOUR side.
Please take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I was surprised to find out that in VA you can't divorce your spouse if they're just a drunk... but if they're a mean and nasty drunk you can... maybe, depends....
Most divorces are settled before going to court but not before a bunch of posturing and ugliness, which is what I would consider you have seen from your H and nothing more. I would place little weight on the results of the mediation, even anything you were "forced to sign" regarding visitation until I got a lawyer.
Unless there is a legal or medical paper trail of alcohol abuse history you might not be able to use it... I think you need to talk to a lawyer.
Most divorces are settled before going to court but not before a bunch of posturing and ugliness, which is what I would consider you have seen from your H and nothing more. I would place little weight on the results of the mediation, even anything you were "forced to sign" regarding visitation until I got a lawyer.
Unless there is a legal or medical paper trail of alcohol abuse history you might not be able to use it... I think you need to talk to a lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
A good job for you OUT of state sounds like a winning idea...a spouse can move out of the state with the children IF its for a good job....one better than they have now even if its by $1.00 on the hour.....we just have to think creative here...1000 minds are better than one.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Personnel files from employers are subpeonable in some states. The employer is then forced to hand over leave time, attendance records, benefits, salary, performance records, etc.
Helpful in the case of a spouse who misses alot of work, shows up drunk, etc..but never is fired and holds a job.
Helpful in the case of a spouse who misses alot of work, shows up drunk, etc..but never is fired and holds a job.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
thank you everyone!!!!!!
I want to write back with more details... but I have a feeling he is watching this site... I'm scared to do anything...
he has told me, "it's a small town" and "watch your back" and honestly he drives by my house at least 7 times a night and follows me down the road where ever I am going during the day.... he's even come on to my pre-school playground where I work to call me a "f'ing b$#@#" ...
maybe I'll sign on as a newbie...
what would you do? what should I do?
I want to write back with more details... but I have a feeling he is watching this site... I'm scared to do anything...
he has told me, "it's a small town" and "watch your back" and honestly he drives by my house at least 7 times a night and follows me down the road where ever I am going during the day.... he's even come on to my pre-school playground where I work to call me a "f'ing b$#@#" ...
maybe I'll sign on as a newbie...
what would you do? what should I do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Personally? I would wait a week, sign on as a newbie, and then be careful about what you write. Make sure you don't identify yourself easily by what you write.
But in the meantime, get a restraining order. This has to stop. Now.
Don't wait until he gets physically violent, which he may if he doesn't get his way.
Go to the authorities, TOMORROW, and tell them he has been following you and threatening you. Do NOT delay, and don't procrastinate, and don't tell yourself it isn't bad enough. That's how women end up dead, and I'll guarantee you that every single one of them said, "Awww, it's not bad enough for THAT." A restraining order will land him in jail if he doesn't leave you alone. Which is a good place for him, in my humble but admittedly angry opinion. He's a stalker. You know that, right?
(And if you're reading this, husband, why don't you get a life, you freakin' bully ? )
When he's restrained, get an attorney. A good one. And have him put together something that's fair to both of you and absolutely, positively safe for the kids. Follow the advice here. Again, don't wait. Don't convince yourself that it's not worth the expense. It is.
So sorry you're having to go through this. Come back as soon as you can, sugarpup. When you do, you can always PM us and let us know who you are.
Hugs and protection,
GL
But in the meantime, get a restraining order. This has to stop. Now.
Don't wait until he gets physically violent, which he may if he doesn't get his way.
Go to the authorities, TOMORROW, and tell them he has been following you and threatening you. Do NOT delay, and don't procrastinate, and don't tell yourself it isn't bad enough. That's how women end up dead, and I'll guarantee you that every single one of them said, "Awww, it's not bad enough for THAT." A restraining order will land him in jail if he doesn't leave you alone. Which is a good place for him, in my humble but admittedly angry opinion. He's a stalker. You know that, right?
(And if you're reading this, husband, why don't you get a life, you freakin' bully ? )
When he's restrained, get an attorney. A good one. And have him put together something that's fair to both of you and absolutely, positively safe for the kids. Follow the advice here. Again, don't wait. Don't convince yourself that it's not worth the expense. It is.
So sorry you're having to go through this. Come back as soon as you can, sugarpup. When you do, you can always PM us and let us know who you are.
Hugs and protection,
GL
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
