rcutch

I've been the daughter with the alcholic dad and the wife with the AH. My sister became the very bitter, angry,"my life is ruined because of you". I married my dad. My sister is 36 years old, lives on her own about an hour from the family, and still blames every failure on my parents. I found al-anon, worked MY program, left my AH to work his. I went thru a 3 month period where my entire family stopped talking to me, my parents threatened to go for custody of my children, and my best friend said if I didn't leave, she was never speaking to me again. Those are all people trying to control my life by telling me what I needed to do. Three alanon meetings a week, lots of phone calls, and prayer allowed me to leave all of those people behind. Nothing about it was easy. Today, my parents are in my life, and my childrens, as well as my AH....only this time when it becomes too much, I allow myself a break. My best friend is still my very best friend, and her and my AH slowly work on their relationship. I don't want to say that things always work out, but I want you to have hope, because if you don't have that, you don't have anything. Take care of you. That little boy needs a healthy mom. Your daughter is only throwing a grown up tantrum, and when the no longer work, hopefully she'll stop. I keep this saying everywhere I go, I hope you can use it:

Letting Go Of Anger

Anyone who is upsetting me has power over me because at that moment they are controlling me....Solution....I choose not to put my live in the hands of any fool who makes me lose my temper!

elizabeth1979

Is it possible that your daughter feels like you dont love her as much as you love your husband and little guy?

Maybe she feels abandoned and needs her mom and the people soaking up all that attention she wants are the man who verbally assaulted her (Drunk or not..its not ok) and your son, leaving nothing for her.

Just my initial thoughts.

Janitw

Keep hanging up on this daughter until you have the respect from her that you deserve....... no matter how long it takes. If I can't have my children's love then by God I will have their respect. We can be friends later in their lives.....

keepingmyjoy

You guys are absolutely amazing! Better start patting yourselves on the back now....

My daughter is difficult, is throwing a tantrum right now. (Queenteree, are you sure you don't have my daughter?) Thanks for helping me see that. I really couldn't see through my pain for what it was. So, I tried to find out the cause. You were right Elizabeth. Once she laid down the venom, she was feeling insecure, feeling pushed aside. I have reassured her, for now. She is very difficult though and won't budge on certain things, but at least she has calmed down. (thanks Janitw for reminding me that I deserve to be treated with respect.)

Thanks so much...funny how when things get so bad, then you smooth that one over and then here comes the next thing. Thanks you all for getting me through this one!

mallowcup

The lasting damage and what left the biggest impression on me was not the events involving my uncles. It was the lask of horror to those events by people who were supposed to protect me.
Please never minimize the damage done by verbal abuse.
As an advocate for kids, this is a topic I better stay away from. You deserve respect.
Your daughter isn't tantuming, she is furthter asked to compromise her life. live elsewhere and sacrifice a normal relationship with her brother.
I got farmed out too because I was difficult. Funnny how people define the same thing. They said I was tantruning too. I thought I was just being self preserving. I submitted to accept being verbaly abused by a drunk because I had to or I was the one sent away. Why is she the one living outside the house? You don't need to answer because I already know the answer.
I can tell you that I have no respect for my mother at 51. It's funny who get sto stay and who gets the boot.

CBrown

KMJ ... I am so sorry you are going through this! I don't know what I would do in your situation, and I have no real advice. Some help, huh? But I will think of you and pray for you!

CBrown

"It's funny who get sto stay and who gets the boot."

Mallowcup, I see your side of this. My daughter actually stuck up for my XABF, saying I should be more understanding. Yeah, well she was pretty much shielded from his verbal abuse, so she doesn't know the whole story. When I finally realized he was unable to straighten his life out, I had to think about her, my family, my friends. Would I want a morally bankrupt, 24/7 alcoholic in contact with my daughter? With my 85 year old dad who is failing? With my decent, average friends? Never.

But that is just where I drew the line. KMJ, I never married him and had a child by him, so my situation is completely different. I wasn't in it nearly as deep as you are, so please do not think that I am telling you to walk. You need to figure out what works best for you, little guy, and your daughter.

Wascally Wabbit

Yes, you do need to take the time! You must take care of your own self or you won't be any good to anyone. You need some YOU time.
Step back, think, and make a decision of what you want to do. Then plan it out. If staying is the decision, then plan how you're going to retain your sanity through meetings, yoga etc.
If leaving, then plan that out carefully.
I hope you're feeling better right now.

embraced2000

keeping, how old is your daughter, may i ask?

keepingmyjoy

Hi guys, hell of a night!

Embraced, my daughter is 21 and she had been living on her own, by her own choosing since about 19. She moved in with a boyfriend after living on her own for about a year. After a year of that, it did not work out and she was in a bad way and asked to move in. I saw the writing on the wall in this house and said I did not think it was a good idea (wanting to protect her). But AH, in total raging A behavior, gets all grandiose and tells her "don't worry, I will take care of you and help pay for your college, I got you!" Of course, since she was hurting from her break up, that sounded ok, even though she preferred to live on her own, but thought it would help get herself back on track financially by moving in for awhile. 2 days or so after she moved in, he turned on her, called her names and told her to get out. She was mopey, but did just have a break up was depressed. I guess her moving in didn't give him whatever worship he was looking for, so turn on her. It was so ugly, and in my earlier posts, I talked about getting her out and safe. She never saw the full Jekyll Hide thing til now.

Mallow, I am struggling not to go under with my guilt over my part in what happened. Of course, I feel guilty if I am breathing. I really could not have stopped what happened, but protected her and got her out as fast as I could. Right now, little guy (preschool-I know! can you believe the age diff!!!) is so young that AH doesn't have much to do with him. I am not minimizing the verbal abuse. It was horrible. It sickens me.

WW, I am definitely leaving. The last few weeks were pretty good, quiet as I mentioned. Well, that is all over now! I am so exhausted. I came home from work with little guy (he came with me), and AH was not home. Unusual. Came home a hour later, 3 hours after he is usually home, completely smashed. Staggering. Starts spouting all the same crap and excuses.

I was proud of myself. I did not fight with him. He kept pushing me to yell at him for coming home that way. I only said that he as an adult had makes choices, they are up to him. I walked away. He ranted a short time and then went downstairs and blasts the stereo, with little guy asleep. He passed out in 2 mins and I went down and turned it off.

Money or no money, I am out of here by Thanksgiving.

Thanks all of you.. for keeping me seeing through the fog.

GiveLove

Keeping,

We're proud of you too! I think most, if not all of us, know how hard it is to just stand there and detach, rather than get caught up in their psychotic drunken ramblings and accusations.

There is a better life for you out there.

Hugs,
GL