queenteree

AH is now off his month long binge after 98 days sober. Of course, he is nice as can be, making me dinner, lunch, doing all the chores around the house, etc. He's been going to meetings, says he's going to start going to therapy also, doesn't want to and won't drink again (they all say that during and right after detox, it's when they feel better that it goes out the window), talking about my feelings and being understanding, etc. But, last week I asked a friend of mine, who is an attorney, if she would draw up my separation papers. She told me yes. She also now informs me that it is a legal binding contract, with time frames involved, and that after a year, either party could move for divorce, which means if we sign the separation papers now, he works his program and stays sober, any time in the future he could file for divorce without renegotiating our separation (and numbers and values of things could change). Friends and family who know him and our/my situation, all seem to think that I shouldn't "knee jerk" and wait it out. They say that he gets paid a good salary, I have a new car, nice home, beautiful jewelry and can buy and do anything I want, that with the exception of his benders, he treats me like a queen (and even when he is on his binges, it is really I who get nasty first cause I just can't take it after a while, still no excuse for his verbal abuse). They all know he is not in the best of health, say that if I could just put up with it, that it's better than struggling out there. I go to Alanon about 5 nights a week for the past two months, and it has been helping immensely. I was thinking about going to ACOA meetings also since I believe that has alot to do with my attitude toward alcoholism in general. It seems Alanon helps us deal with the A in our lives, many at my meetings are still with theirs, and I was reading the section in the Big Book that is to the wives, which tells a different story than leaving them. It's actually very confusing. When will I get the patience to put up with him drunk night after night after night? What I would really appreciate is if you guys would share your stories with me of your journey into recovery and if you stayed or left and how it worked or is working out for you. Thank you all for being there. Terri

Pick-a-name

I stayed......he left and eventually filed for divorce. (I think at the time he thought he had found someone else who he figured might put up with the drinking and stuff that went with it and he was also the one with the good job,etc.,etc and I had been a stay-at-home-mom for 25y)

There really seems no way to predict what will happen.imho.

Sorry there are no easy answers.

MsPINKAcres

((Terri))

For me, I have learned that I cannot listen to the suggestions of friends & family who have not walked in my shoes. If they have never lived with active alcoholism/addiction then they probably would have a hard time relating to my situation.

Each person is different tho - it is up to you - what is best for you - many people do the Pro/Con list what are the Pro's of Leaving? Of Staying? The Cons of Leaving? or Staying? What do you feel your HP is leading you to do?

I personally lived with my AH in the active part for 10 1/2 yrs, then he went into rehab and was actively working a program of recovery for the next couple of yrs. This past yr tho, the disease has slowly taken back over bits & pieces of him - It is a disease of progression. And with each passing day - I see it progressing.

I have been in praying and seeking what is right for me. Today, I do not feel like I have the direction of my HP to leave. That doesn't mean that I will stay forever, it just means I'm not leaving today. Tomorrow, I'll decide about tomorrow.

That's how I'm dealing with it - One Day at a Time.

Regardless of what you decide - I wish you Serenity & Joy in your life,
Rita

LaTeeDa

Ending a marriage or long-term relationship is hard, regardless of the reason(s). When the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving, that's when I left. Although, if I hadn't recognized and worked on my fears with a therapist, I might still be suffering.

L

kj21

I have been with my a for 11 years. Right now we are living in the same house, being friendly, but I have told him we cannot be a couple. I need space to see if he really stays clean and does what he says. It is not an ideal situation, but I am just not quite ready to give up on the man I wanted to spend my life with. There has never been any physical or verbal abuse, but the emotional toll it takes when he goes out and doesn't call, or come home when he says is very hard to live with. I know time will tell...I am a very impatient person and this is hard. I don't think we will make it, I am too afraid that even if he is clean for awhile he WILL relapse, they all seem to at one time or another. I know this probobly doesn't help but it is what I am doing right now...I would prefer to live seperately and be friends for now and then see what the future holds. If it is meant to be it will be.

lovemypup

I left after 27 yrs of marriage. Just lost all respect for him. He never went to rehab and if he did I dont know if I would have went back. I was just sick and tired. Wanted to end it. Maybe I should have kept trying but I just didnt have it in me no more. I still care alot for him but I just could no longer live with him. I had a problem, not him.

ARealLady

I had a problem, not him.

Very good way of putting it, lovemypup. I took action to end the relationship with XABF when the relationship became a problem for me. The alcoholism was always there whether he was white-knuckling or actively drinking. For a time, I managed to not let the drinking affect me (even though it did indirectly!). Nothing was going to change unless I took the action to change what I had control over....myself.

ARL

lovemypup

oh, and to answer "how's that working for ya?"
Well I have been divorced for almost 2 yrs now and I am with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. He is so good to me I just have to pinch myself daily to see if this is for real.
I still have sad times. I think about my ExH and my heart aches for him from time to time as he still drinks and has no one in his life. I still care and I guess I always will no matter how I try not to. So I let myself grieve from time to time and then get over it. I truly have a wonderful life now and I am still learning to embrace it and let go.

ICU

I guess the best way for me to put it is, my ex was legally removed from our home (but I had to sign the papers to get the ball rolling). Alcoholism wasn't the only issue involved in my particular case. It just finally occurred to me that I might not wake up to see another day, if 'ya catch my drift!

Since then I've involved myself in therapy, various support groups, relevant reading material, etc. I wanted to learn about myself, 'the real me', and all the 'whys' of my life. The more I understood where I came from, the better I could see where I've been, and, where I am now. I'll leave tomorrow to tomorrow.

How's it working for me....it's the first time I've lived in a home where I feel at peace, safe, and happy. You can feel it in the air when you walk through the front door.

It sure was one hell of a struggle getting here but, I'm glad that I've finally arrived at where I am today!

Mama3: Welcome to SR! Glad to have you with us.

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through.

May I suggest you start a new thread of your own so you don't get lost in the shuffle in this one? Click on the 'new thread' at the beginning of this forum!

denny57

Every person is different. We had loads of money, huge home, 2 successful businesses. I was unhappy.

Today I am extremely happy to not be living with the hell of alcoholism.

fluffyflea

I left and am extremely grateful not to have an active, lying, conning alcoholic in my life.

I am in the midst of working through the twelve steps of alanon with a sponsor and learning a ton about me and my disease of co-dependency.

Ngaire

sojourner

I suggested to AH that we live apart because our three kids needed to be raised in a more stable home including financial and emotional security. He said no way and found another woman to move in with, eventually divorcing me. I was heartbroken that I would be raising three boys alone. But God is good, and He led me to a job with financial security which I could do at home while raising the boys. The fact that ex-husband did not pay child support was annoying but did not cause undue hardship on me. In the beginning, because he had a new wife to impress, he took his angry focus off me - that was a real blessing!! Now he is out west somewhere working under the table and is, right now, out of our picture. My life has been so much better because he left....

I agree with earlier poster - there is no way to tell if a marriage is going to make it or not.

Barbara52

I left 3 months ago after 4 yrs of marriage and it was the best decision for me. AH has not admitted yet that he is an alcolholic, is still unemployed (has been for more than 2 yrs now) and although he apparently has stopped drinking, he isn't in any sort of recovery program. I am happier than I have been in years and no long suffer the many physcial efects of the stress of living with an active alcoholic.

I will be getting my attorney to put together a separation agreement soon and hope AH signs it. Worst case I will be divorced next August.

BTW You can word the separation agreement so that there is a time limit on it I would think if that is one of your concerns.

As for the Big Book sections on wives, well, I read part of it and had a great many issues with it. Personally I do not think its healthy for anyone to learn to live with it. What quality of life do you have if you are trying to tolerate in intolerable? At least that's the way I see it. If one's AH is working a program, sure that's different. But from what I've read of your story, your's is not.

elizabeth1979

I left and found the life I was supposed to have. Not to mention that I also found the most wonderful man who treats me better than I could have ever imagined being treated. I wake up every day thinking...this is life I was supposed to have!

parentrecovers

i left. and it worked out great for me. hugs, k

2Growstrong

My marriage was an illusion and a delusion. For 20 years it "seemed " normal to people from the outside. Those of us on the inside "pretended" it was normal. What should have been a form of existence based on sharing ,trust and mutual respect, became instead a life of self- interest, indulgence and gratification. MY marriage and my AH were familiar territory...."the devil I knew". For me the fear of the unknown was simply too daunting. So I stayed, numbed out, kept busy and spent a lot of money!
Now I have been away (moved out) from Ah for 4 months....barring any complications which I don't foresee we will be divorced by Thanksgiving. For me ...once the decision was made it was made. It was hard at first...change always is. But now I realize that although I will always care about what happens to my AH I don't have to be ruled by it anymore. You can't love someone that you can't respect and that is just a truth of life. And drinking is more important to them than self respect, integrity, love, family, honor, friends or peace of heart. I am reading a lot of self help books, exploring my spirituality and getting some therapy. Life is not perfect, sometimes it's scary....but now it's my life again and I'm living it. Good wishes to you whatever you choose. Maryanne

GiveLove

I left, turning my back on a situation that was very good for me financially.

I ended up having to sell my house for far less than I could have if I'd waited.

Because I didn't wait, my HP saw fit for me to meet someone who has brought an incredible amount of joy and prosperity into my life.

I'm now much better off financially (because I have ten times the energy to put into my ventures) emotionally (because I am loved and supported 100%) physically (because I'm not dealing with a stinky, stupid drunk half the year) and spiritually. I wouldn't trade him for the freakin' Hope Diamond wrapped in thousand dollar bills on the front seat of a Lambourghini.

That's how it's working for me. If I'd stayed, I'd still be miserable with a fat bank account. Having left, I wake up grateful and happy every day, and in that weird way the universe works things, I have a fatter bank account. Law of attraction.

Good luck. You need to follow your own personal priorities; no one can set them for you.

(((queen)))
GL

rcutch

I've been married to my AH for 13 years. He used on and off for the first 10, went to rehab, made all the promises, and I fell for them. I fell off the wagon and I was prepared to leave. I did a lot of soul searching and my higher power (God) led me to stay. My AH is going on 2 years sober and we have the best marriage that we have ever had. For me, what changed was me.
I was raised with an alcoholic father and only knew choas and disfunction. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to work my program. What I needed to remember about alcoholism/addiction is that it is a disease. And when I had compassion for my AH, I could remove myself from the situation and take care of me. I didn't condone his behavior, but I didn't try to control it either. We still have hard times, and we rely heavily on our faith. Our behaviors have to change has much as theirs. Just a few weeks ago I tried picking a fight because my AH was laughing, having fun and being silly. Old days, that was a pattern of using. My defenses went up quickly and I had to work it out.
As an ACOA, I find that I am always searching for everyone to tell me what I should do, I want their approval. When I decided to do what made me happy, things started to turn around. Remember, the only person capable of making you happy is you. You can be happy and live with an AH. If you are meant to leave, when it is time, you will know. Best of luck, and I will keep you in my prayers.

WantsOut

Left. It was rocky at first, for nearly 1.5 years in fact. Then things changed and now I love my life so much. I feel good most of the time. It's a blessing.

Mr. Christian

My wife had left after years of her being drunk.
If you click my name you can see past posts.


It was very hard for me at 1st, in fact unbearable. I had lost EVERYTHING.

I took a lot of time to wok on myself and changed so many things.
I have a great job now and new friends. I have a life. A life of not taking care of a 130 LB baby.

She has not changed.
2 more DUI’s jail time, another failed marriage and an accident, which killed someone.
Life is what you make it.