daisies

There is soooo much great info to digest here. I could have asked the same question as you have Queenteree. This is exactly where I am with my AH. WOW. The response by 2GrowStrong in which it is said "You cannot love someone that you cannot respect" really hit home. I have been contemplating contacting an attorney friend of mine to get advice on a separation. I believe that in my heart that is what I need to do. I do not want the cloud of my AH hanging over my head. I need my health and happiness back. Remember though that everyone needs to make their own decisions. I know what my gut tells me and I need to leave.

hadenoughnow

Right now we are together but I am planning to file next summer after my son turns 14 (at the advice of my attorney). Things are tolerable right now and he is attempting to act like a human being but the isms always slip out. I went out to dinner with a friend so of course he was half in the bag when I got home at 8 or so and I got to hear all kinds of BS about things that he claimed happened while I was gone and how he thinks he has cancer and is going to die(he has been saying for 10 years now that he is dying, the whole time I am thinking "like I would get that lucky!")

quack quack quack

I won't miss any of it

embraced2000

i divorced my xah and finally found peace, serenity, and joy. it was very, very tough. but i pushed my way through to the other side and now i have a peaceful life with such joy i can barely believe it.

i didn't think i would ever get over it,,,,,,but i did. happiness abounds now.

no more drunken rages, walking on eggshells, abuse, stress, chaos....you all know what i'm talking about.

i still love him....yes. but i would not want to go back into his nightmare.

SaTiT

I left , she left.... i came back , she came back.
It's a crazy marry go round.
We're seperated again...

I'm sorry you're going through that. i can't say what's right or wrong.
It's difficult when you're in the cycle to break the cycle. All rational
thinking or actions gose out the window
I just hope you make it through somehow. Please take care of yourself.

My codependency has nothing to do with my gf..she dose what she dose.
I always hope things would get better of course, but it dosen't work out
that way...in the mean time i got worst and worst.

I can't blame her or even myself anymore. All i can do is try to move
forward and heal from all of it.

I'm a chornic codi relapser...you can say.
I hope I get will. I feel okay at the moment becuase I'm not in the
cycle anymore. I don't want to get well enough and go do it again
or get involve in a unhealthy relationship again.

That's how it's working for me at the moment.

HolyQow

arms and legs inside the ride until it comes to a complete stop! It looks like you're still on that roller-coaster ride from hell.

One good day doesn't erase the mountain of bad days. He is being good now, but do you really want to live waiting for the 'next' binge to start? I can't see holding out for more money or better things if you are really unhappy. All you will get is more unhappy.

I am still with my AH (7 1/2 years now) and like you, don't know why I am still here.
Fear of the unknown keeps us from change. I keep thinking that I will know when "the time" is right to leave, and I guess I am just not there yet.

I still like the idea of a separation agreement, to protect yourself financially. Too many stories of accidents/dui's/deaths. Nothing stops you from filing differently in a year either.

Best wishes no matter what you decide to do.
HQ

FEP

I stayed for 5 years of hell for both my daughter and myself.
After being together for 25 years my wife knew exactly how to manipulate me and emotionally drain me so I could not focus on her addiction. We were abandoned by all our friends because they were embarrassed with my wife's behavior. She told her family and her doctor how I was mean to her and couldn't accept her as she is, when I went to ask for help they basically attacked me as the seen me as the problem. She lost her job, shoplifted and would rummage through medicine cabinets and take whatever she could find when we were going to anyone's house. She was an excellent closet drinker and did her drugs the same way. Calls from people we still knew wondering why she was asking if they knew where she could get stuff off the street.
We just recently got a legal separation and she now lives blocks from my daughter and myself. She has enough money to last two years without work and a little locked away for the third year just to pay rent. My daughter and the doctor refuses to admit that my now Ex-wife still has a drug problem, My daughter says she's just got severe depression and needs all the support my daughter can give, which is emotionally draining her. The doctor on the other hand is in no rush to discontinue prescribing narcotics. And my Ex wife stopped going to the mental health clinic as she doesn’t have a problem I 'm the one with the problem. She says she misses her house but never mentioned about the marriage breakdown or the fact her daughter now lives with me, I guess I find out when she runs out of money. Her family, which always bragged on how close they were, now see her as a thorn in the side and want to go on without committing themselves to helping her get better.
I'm now just getting the house livable now, scrubbing down the whole house and after 3 years of sleeping on the couch I will be able to move back into the bedroom, at least after I get a new mattress.
I knew she would never get better by me looking after her and she is still in denial. I still love her with all my heart. I loved her enough to give up my life, my soul and all my dreams of growing old with her so that she could one day have a life again.

I was referred to this site by a new friend. This may be the first of many posts as I have so many questions especially when it comes to my 16 year old daughter and her dealings with her mother.

chrisea

it's a hard decision to stay or leave, usually I was the one to leave... but this was my apt to begin with. So He had to Leave and thank goodness for that... It took a while to get things straightened out, & maybe won't be for some time to come. But it just keeps getting Better. It makes you realize what you have and ever so grateful.

DesertEyes

Hi there FEP, and welcome to SoberRecovery

My ex-wife became addicted to pain pills, and our marriage ended after 20years. The

first 15 or so were wonderful, but like you, I stayed 5 years too long. Check out the "sticky" posts at the top of this forums, there's a lot of great information there. You may also want to start a new thread of your own just to say hello, that way the "regulars" will see that you have just arrived and can give you a proper welcome.

Mike

FormerDoormat

I asked Richard to move out two years ago. It was a heartwrenching decision to make because he was already quite ill due to his drinking. He was an end-stage alcoholic and I knew he didn't have much time left. But I just didn't have the strength to see it through to the end and watch him suffer in his last days.

Despite some herculean efforts on his part, Richard was never able to achieve lasting sobriety. I really think he did want to choose life, but he wasn't able to fight the demons that lurked inside him. He was a lovely man who deserved so much more out of life. He short-changed himself and life short-changed him.

In weak moments, I still wonder if this was morally the right thing to do. But most days I'm certain it was the right decision for me. I miss him very much.

queenteree

FD - The way you see your Richard is the way I feel about my AH. I really deep down think he wants to give it his all to be sober, I know he loves me and the kids and grandkids, he's a good soul who is just an end stage alcoholic who can't fight those demons. Thanks for that insight. Terri

Lilyflower

Welcome HEP,

lots of love and hugs to you and your family through this difficult time. I hope things get easier for you as the days pass by. xxxxxxx

freya

I threw her out -- after living through about 3 years of her severe dry-drunk relapse. It was very hard, but it was absolutely the best thing I could have done and the only "right" thing for me to do at the time. We we're separated for about 13 months , with no contact at all for about 10 of them.

She got back into recovery and we got back together, and it's good (not perfect, and hard some of the time, but very good)...but even if she hadn't and we weren't, throwing her out would still have been the right thing for me to do.

It's kinda funny but when we were first seeing each other again, she would always ask me these weird questions, the not-so-well-disguised purpose of which was obviously that she was trying to figure out if Al Anon was "teaching" me that I was supposed to "stand by my alcoholic" no matter what. Finally, one day I just called her on it, and she admitted that what she really wanted to know was why some Al Anons stay with their alcoholics and others don't and whether or not I would stay with her if she relapsed again. She then asked me if I thought that part of what allowed me to throw her out might be the fact that I didn't love her as much as other Al Anons love their alcoholics.

What I told her was 1) that I love her very, very much -- more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, that I loved her even when we were separated, and that don't believe I personally know any other Al Anon who loves his/her alcoholic more than I love her; but 2) that I would most certainly break up with her again if she relapses again and, next time -- god forbid there should be one -- it won't take me 3 years to figure out that I need to do so either; because 3) the fact that I absolutely will not ever again remain in close, constant relationship with an active addict of any kind or with a "dry drunk" has nothing at all to do with whether or how much I might love that person and everything to do with how very much I love myself.

freya

Maggie12

I haven't been on here in many months. I just come on every once in a while to remind myself of how I once lived.

I stayed with my husband. He went through a full recovery, along with me.. we haven't picked up alchohol in over 10 months. I am very proud of him, and myself. I have been going to therapy a few times a month, and have started to work out a lot of the issues I had with the verbal and emotional abuse.

He is like a new person, someone with hope... love... and a brain. He truly has come around completely. This is the most healthy I have ever seen him, ever. I also am getting back to my 'in shape' self.

It was really terrible for a long time, horrible. I don't like to forget about it, but I do forgive. I will never allow myself to live like that again. But what it comes down to, is what you want to do. No one can tell you what is right for you. I now know when to walk away, and save myself from abuse. I didn't know how to deal with it before, everything was so clouded by years of verbal abuse, and abusing alcohol and drugs that I never had a chance to look at it with clearly until this year.

mushroom

I left. But as a friend pointed out to me, I didn't exactly have a lot invested in that relationship. We'd only been married a few years, no kids and no prospects for kids. In fact he refused to apply for adoption, and I think it was because he was closet drinking and using at the time and knew he wouldn't be able to hide it from the adoption agencies even though he could easily hide it from me.

He made all the promises, and made a show of going to detox and to meetings, and swore up and down that he loved me more than anything, but it was all lies. He got worse and worse and worse until it became clear to me that he was going to die and he was going to drag me down with him unless I bailed. Once I did, he stabilized! I think he just couldn't deal with the demands of marriage, and divorce was the only thing that was going to stop the suicide attempts. I don't know if he realized it himself.

I seriously believe that my leaving him was the only thing that saved him from killing himself. Now he's got his elderly parents taking care of him, just like he wanted, and they don't expect him to be an adult. I gave up a lot of material stuff and live a much more constrained life, financially, but that's nothing. It's just money. I sold my soul for that marriage and now I have it back.

Was a time, when marriage was a financial arrangement; it took two people to do all the work required to keep a household going. Now we have electricity, and one person can do all the washing and cleaning and cooking AND hold a money-earning job at the same time. We expect more of marriage now. Just being a good provider or a good housekeeper isn't enough anymore!

tcorral1256

i have made the decision to leave, and i believe in my heart that is will be the best decision i've made in a long, long time.