Lucy06

Tonight I am signing a lease on a rental. I am moving out with the 2 kids (who are 2 and 6) on the 8th of november.... When I called the owner of this house to make the appointment to sign the lease, I am 100% convinced I made the right choice as I could not bare to stay in this relationship with someone who spends his days drinking and does nothing with us on the week ends. Recently, he got really nasty with me because on the week end, he sleeps until 1pm (because he is up most of the night drinking in his bedroom) and he expects the 2 kids to be quiet. You tell me how I am supposed to keep 2 active little boys quiet for hours on end. He told me I was disgracefull.... Anyway, the last straw came on thursday when I found out by "chance" that he spends all his nights on porno sites, chatting up other women, posting pictures of himself masturbating and on thursday, ended up spending the afternoon with a couple he "met" on this website for a threesome. His "excuse" is that I don't want to have sex with him so he has to satisfy his needs elsewhere. It is true that at this point in our life, after all the hurt he has caused me in the past 3 years and especially the past 6 months, there is no way in the world that I will have sex with him. So I finalised my leaving arrangements and of course, getting blamed for ruining the children's chance of a happy life with 2 parents under the same roof.... And I do feel guilt.... And also selfish because maybe I should stay and put up with the crap for the kids' sake....
What do you think?

Lilyflower

I think you're braver than I am. I think you are doing the right thing. I think your children will be more secure with you and better off in an environment that is none abusive and with mutual respect. I wish you the best of luck and a big congratulations for taking this huge step. xxxxx

ICU

Welcome to SR Lucy06! Glad to have you with us.

What do I think???? I think WOW!!!! You've done great, not only for you, but for your two young children! But what I think isn't what's important. This however is:

You've changed the program by not participating in it anymore and leaving him to his own devices and 'lifestyle' choices! He's made his choices, you've made yours.

I'm sorry, but who's doing the drinking, sleeping late and wanting young, healthy, active children to be quiet to accomodate him?????

IMO, you haven't done anything wrong. Instead, you've decided what you can and can't live with for yourself and your children, AND, you've taken action once you made your decision! You are providing a safe and nurturing home environment for the kids sake AND for yourself!

If you read through the threads here, you'll see that it's not uncommon for them to blame us for, well, 'everything and anything'! Until we understand that, it's hard not to take it personally, and fall into the guilt trap!

Speaking of which, have you considered going to some Alanon meetings in your area? I know you probably have a lot on your plate with the pending move, and adjustment to the new surroundings with your children. Maybe once you get settled in, you might want to give it a try. Sometimes it's helpful to have people to talk with face-to-face that are going through, or have gone through similiar things as you are experiencing. In any event, you're always welcome here!!

I think you've taken some very importants steps for you and your children, and that's wonderful. Read as many threads here as you can, and keep coming back, ok?

Barbara52

Welcome! It sounds to me like you are taking the steps you feel are necessary to get your life on the track you want it on and to take care of your children. That is what is important.

Your children have to be your first priority followed at a close second by yourself. Bravo for making the steps you want to take. I know its not easy.

denny57

I think you are going to find much joy and happiness in your new home. Good luck to you and your children.

Keep posting!

WLDKATZ

now take your babies and those new wings you have earned and learn to fly with them!!!! Keep strong and remember the old saying " to Thine OWN SELF be TRUE'!
Come back and please keep on posting!

LaTeeDa

I stayed in my marriage for far too long thinking it was the best thing for my children. One day I realized that my parents stayed together and the result was that I got trained to have dysfunctional relationships. Children learn from our examples. You could choose to have them learn what marriage is supposed to be like from your marriage, or you could choose to show them by example that people who value themselves don't accept unacceptable treatment. In my opinion, you are teaching them a valuable lesson and possibly saving them from a life of heartache.

You rock!

L

Aquarian

Lucy congratulations for your bravery. You and the kids will have peace and happiness once you're away from the chaos! It is so great to put the kids (and you) first, since you can't cure his problems. Best of luck, keep writing!

kj21

I think you have done the best thing for you and your kids!!! He cheated on you, puts himself before his family, he left yu no choice really. Be proud of yourself!!! I am proud of you!

BayouSelf

You are taking care of yourself and your children.....good for you. Although it may be difficult to see now, two years down the road, you will see this was probably the best gift you could ever give you and your children. Best wishes!

Inahurry

Good for you, it defnitely sounds the right thing. The kids need to grow up in an environment where they and you are not treading on eggshells. You'll be able to relax elsewhere. Don't even consider that you should have stayed. Well done!

2Growstrong

I can only say I wish I had been a BRAVE and STRONG as you are when my children were young. IMO you are doing the right thing. Maryanne

CBrown

What he has been doing (at night and with the other couple) falls under the category of "morally bankrupt" in my humble opinion. Congratulations for standing up for what is right for your two young boys and refusing to let them be taken down by an alcoholic's pitiful behavior.

I have to add that when I finally drew the line with my XABF, it was because of an incident in a car where two women in the back seat were engaging in sex while my XABF and his friend drove and watched it take place. They were, of course, all smashed and this was after the girls had been taking off their tops at a restaurant/bar where families were coming and going. They have (and it seems a majority of alcoholics do?) degraded to the point where nothing is decent in their lives. I could not condone that behavior in MY life, let alone my 19 year old daughter's life. I will have NO father-figure in her life living the life of a disgusting reprobate.

STRENGTH TO YOU!!!!

Lucy06

Thank you all so much. I so needed to read your replies today!
I have to say that although I haven't been posting much on this site, I have read A LOT and some stories written by some of you, for instance, Barbara and Embrace, and so many others, showed me that that there is a life out there with the peace that I so badly need to be a better mum for my kids.
So thanks for sharing all these stories of hope, I am not sure I would have even contemplated leaving if I hadn't read them!
So I signed up the lease and told my AH. Surprisingly, he has decided to act as if he is up to the award of the father of the year. Took our oldest son to help him practice his bike riding (a thing that I asked him repeatedly to do before only to no avail and of course, I am the one who spent hours to teach our son how to ride his bike...), had dinner with the kids, bathed them and put them to bed. This morning, he got up to make breakfast for the kids so I could sleep a bit.... I am not sure what's up. Not that this will make me change my mind, I have signed up the lease anyway and there is no turning back and he knows that... So why is he doing all this? That somehow bothers me, because he has never before done anything like this unless he had a hidden agenda in his mind....
Anyone experienced this before?

WLDKATZ

yeppers
it is called ( for give me sr hp's)
the " Suck up cuse you done ***** up" syndrom!!!!!!!

women even do it, it is like let me do everything in a matter of hours that you have been begging me to do for yearsbecause I finally realize you are finally meaning what you are saying is true.......DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.....the true test is what happens AFTER you leave.......will you become the woman you know is trapped within or fall back into the old rut??? What then becomes of the kids???? The decision is up to you.....his next step should be anger......pis*ed because you won't stay..... I hope and pray you have a strong support system.......I know you have one here because we are all praying for you and sending you as much of our positive energies as possiable!!!

Barbara52

That kinda sounds like my AH after I left.

For my AH, it basically comes down to him living in denial about why I left, that I'll be coming back once he convinces me he's a changed man (I won't and he's not), and more along those lines. Even though I have told AH to his face I will never be back, that I will be proceeding with a divorce, he cannot allow himself to accept that.

Perhaps you AH is thinking he'll change your mind. Or he just doesn't believe you really mean it. Who knows. In some ways it doesn't matter anyway. You just continue planning and doing what you think is best for you and let him take responsibility foe himself.

rawr_x

you made a great decision