Strange situation

Old 10-16-2007, 08:38 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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amen, harleygirl, amen!!!!
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Old 10-16-2007, 08:41 PM
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First, I hope you were tested for STD's.....

Your baby isn't due until March. He has told you he isn't interested in working on his addiction. I see no reason to have contact with him at all, not by phone, texting or coming to the house. Your not married any longer so he has no reason to be there. Take steps to take care of yourself and your children because as you said, you can not count on him for help.
No contact will give him time to do one of two things, realize what he is losing and get help or continue drinking himself into oblivion. Over the next few months, allow him to deal with himself and you take care of you and your kids and that little one on the way.
He made his mess, let him deal with it alone.
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Old 10-20-2007, 05:56 PM
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I have been in Ala-non for 5 years and i guess I am getting use to the stories now.
I just divorced my AH after 22 years of marriage which included 4 years of separation. I waited those 4 years for him to turn it around and he never did. He ended up with brain damage from the years of drinking.
I still find it hard to believe it all happened, but I got to the point that I could not live with him. I was too angry and resentful. Now I pity him.
I had to move on and protect my kids. He made a mess of things and none of it was in our favor. I thank God and Ala-non for showing me the way out of the bad situation.
Just do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. Keep looking up and your Higher Power will show you what to do. In the meantime, if he gets it together .....great. Just keep moving on.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
One day at a time.
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Old 10-20-2007, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Startingover2 View Post
So, how do the custody laws work? I want 100% custody with visitation to him. How easy is that to get? Is it hard to prove they are alcoholics? I am sure its going to take more than just my word.
Consult with an attorney and find out how to protect yourself and your child. Since you aren't married, it might not be too difficult to severely limit visitation. But that all varies depending on where you live.
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Old 10-21-2007, 12:53 AM
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(((Startingover2)))

We are not married or living together anymore so beyond that there is not much more I can do.
- IMHO you should be GLAD you are not married/living together as you can choose not to be around him. I have an AH who is similar in that he doesnt drink every day but when he does he drinks to oblivion. It took me a long time to realise that this was A as I had this preconcieved idea that A drank pretty much every day. the reality check for me (sorry blabbering about myself) was the are you an alcoholic checklist of which i ticked 10+ when you only need 3+ supposedly to be considered an A.

anyhow getting back on track its hard to distant yourself when you love someone and care about them but you need to make yourself and your children your priority. it sounds like you are already taking steps to that effect and I really hope everything works out for you xx
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Old 10-22-2007, 03:18 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi Startingover2,

This is an extract from an article taken from another forum I'm on (where it was reprinted from another site). It's not referring to alcoholics (so bits may sound a bit off track), but rather to a certain type of abuser (the other forum is a forum for abuse victims). I found it useful in helping think about my own feelings towards my stbx and WHY it was that I 'loved' him even though he treated me so badly. At first when I read it I thought it was being a bit harsh on ME, but then......

The following applies not only to romantic relationships; it applies across the board of all relationships including parent/child.

You can not truly love someone until they have revealed their characters to you. Why is this so? Because who we are is revealed by what we choose to do. Our characters are the sum total of the choices we've made.

Until you know someone's character you can not say in truth that you know or love who they are. This explains why so many marriages fall apart. People fall in love with their imagined version of the other person and don't become acquainted with that other person's character until enough time has passed for the consistency of their characters to be revealed. This is why short dating periods are often disastrous in the long-term.

We each have a will. How we exercise our will = the choices we make. The choices we make = our behaviors. The consistent behaviors a person exhibits is the truth of who they are. Behaviors are the revelation of character. Behaviors reveal what has been happening in the unseen realm of someone's thinking. When a person, like Cho of the Virginia Tech massacre, suddenly went on a murderous rampage, he was not acting out of character. He revealed what his character truly was. We have a sudden, horrific and stark revelation of what his thinking and small choices have added up to. What Cho did is who he is. Cho forced us all to see what an evil character had been developing quietly step by step and choice by choice while no one was really looking. We often hear people protest after being caught in some bad behavior that "it isn't like me to do this". No, it is like you. You chose to do what you did. You revealed who you are, not who you aren't, when you cheated on your husband or when you cooked the books at work.

If, after having a clear view of someone's personal character traits, you have respect, admiration and trust in that person then you can correctly state that you love this person.

Then there is the situation where you have gotten to know the personal characteristics of an individual, and you find that you can not say you love those characteristics. Yet you insist that you still love the person. Never mind that this person lies to you, cheats on you, slanders you to others, even physically abuses you...you tenaciously insist you hate their character traits but you love the person. It is this so-called "love" which justifies why you are still in this bad relationship. Whatever the reason for it (there can be many), this is describing someone who has created a fantasy around the objectionable character. They are not in love with the person...they are in love with the idea of who they've decided this person is in spite of the evidence to the contrary. This is not reality-based thinking. To insist a person is "good" despite what bad things they actually do is an exercise in your imagination only.

Perhaps you insist that you love what this person could be if they only tried. This, too, is a refusal to live in reality. Can we please dispense with this sloppy thinking? Can we stop trying to fool ourselves in order to justify staying in a destructive relationship? Can we call things by their right names? Go ahead and insist that you love the rotten character, but quit doing it to make yourself believe you are a better person for doing so. Stop white-washing their character in order to convince yourself you need to stay connected to them. If you are afraid of leaving the comfort of the known for the discomfort of the unknown world of life without this bad character, then admit that truth to yourself. But stop pretending you love something that is hateful. Remember that a key component of mental health is the mind which insists on living in reality i.e. the truth. You are not doing your mental health any favors by engaging in these mental games which allow you to stay in a bad place. If you don't love what a person does then you can't accurately state that you love the person himself.

It is okay to love a bad person, but only from a distance. Don't insist your love for a destructive person is justification enough for staying close to them. You risk all that is good and beautiful in life in order to love the unlovable. Maybe you think that means you are a better person because you can love and unlovable, but when your so-called love means the destruction of your own well-being, and the well-being of the innocents around you, then I insist you are not as good as you think you are.


Food for thought.

I am so sorry that you are in this position and predicament.

(((((((((((((((((((((Startingover2)))))))))))))))) ))))))
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Old 10-22-2007, 07:49 AM
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That was incredible. I printed it out if you don't mind. I loved it. Thank you.

I know its my choice to stay with this person and keep making the same mistakes again and again with hope. People don't change that much.
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Old 10-22-2007, 08:21 AM
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Ok. I needed to post and update.

Last week I told him no more being here unless he stops drinking and gets help. He of course swore up and down he wouldn't drink all weekend.....well, he didn't. BUT, I think he traded one drug for another.

Yesterday he said he had to go to work for a bit. He was clear and sober when he left. When he got back 2 hours later he was on something. I didn't smell any beer but he was slurring and not walking so great. Not bad, but I noticed. He laid down on the couch at 3:30 and fell asleep and did not wake again until this morning. I checked his phone when he was sleeping and saw from the minute he left he called this one number over and over and over for about 15 minutes. At least 10 times. Didn't look like whomever he was calling answered until the last time and they talked for 7 minutes. Then no more calls after that.

He is also addicted to prescription meds as well and those were a real problem when we were married. Back then he didn't drink too much, just took pills and slept alot. I think he thought he wouldn't drink this weekend so I wouldn't say anything and then went and bought some sort of pills. He was clearly not the same person he was when he left and then the sleeping was a dead giveaway.

Trading one addiction for another.
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