abusive boyfriend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
sorry for all my posts it is helping me right now though. thanks
This is what he wrote back to me just now. I wrote back that we need a break until he at least gets some professional help and that he needs to acknowledge/admit his behaviors. I know I am wasting my time and energy when it should be focused on me and the things i need to do and find a job!!!! stupid me. stupid me. why do i just want to be in his arms right now and believe that all will be fine with us and that what he did was not a big deal?
I am going to stop over to get them. I did not sleep
> at all last night
> and I didn't feel like getting out of bed this
> morning. Got into work
> really late and did not shower. I don't want to
> fight either but I don't
> have the energy to see you now. If you are going to
> leave just leave
> already....this pain is unbearable.
>
I am going to stop over to get them. I did not sleep
> at all last night
> and I didn't feel like getting out of bed this
> morning. Got into work
> really late and did not shower. I don't want to
> fight either but I don't
> have the energy to see you now. If you are going to
> leave just leave
> already....this pain is unbearable.
>
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Newark New Jersey
Posts: 38
It's time for a change
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity 
Hi I am new here. Somone gave me this link through another forum. Said that the posts here sounded like mine. my boyfriend or ex after this weekend. Sent me the email below Sat morning at 4:15AM after a night of drinking, he has does this before and then apologizes. Thing is I am not sure if he is an alcoholic as he does not even drink every week and can go two weeks or more. He stopped drinking to the point of what he did Fri. night after I told him he can't drink like that as he loses all sense of reality and scares me with his verbal abuse. We were living together, but I am at my moms now. He has never physically hurt me. Only verbally. Has grabbed my arm though and shoulder. He blames his drinking on me when he gets like this, that I push him to the point and that he then drinks to spite me. He already has a terrible temper even without drinking and he also blames that on me. Friday night we were supposed to be together after a dinner with my girlfriend. I called him but his phone was not working b/c he has not paid for it. He can only receive calls/not messages. He had told me before dinner that he would be home and to call me to tell him what time I would be home. Next thing I know he is out drinking. I was mad, asked if he was coming home. He gets mad when I do this. I also started talking about children when I finally reached him on his phone later b/c we talk about that sometimes, we both want them. I don't know how the subject came up, but I said I would like to have the option of staying home the first one-two years and not work. He said I am living in the 19th century that does not happen anymore. Well it does for my friends. This is b/c he makes hardly any money and wouldn't be able to afford it, he can't even afford taking care of himself. We never do anything, not even go out to dinner b/c he has no money. I tried to take out the vulgar language the best I could. I don't think what I did deserved this kind of treatment. but he will blame it on me or say he is sorry. i never know how he will react. I have not spoken to him since just sent some e-mails to him first apologizing and then realizing I shouldn't apologizing and sent other ones that told him it is over and that he needs professional help. Is he an alcoholic if he gets like this when he drinks heavily?
F..K YOU....and yes....F...K YOU!!! I don't need your **** anymore...just like you would say to me. Just leave...I don't know how to let you go....I guess like this.
I might be 2 years younger...but I at least have a "BANK ACCOUNT". AND, don't even go there....because...If I had the money that was given to me...like you...well....daaaaaaa!!!
I will respect your things....just make sure you get them out. SO....since I owe you $250.... - that for taxes... and you get....$170. Then get out of my life!! It is best for you and I.......................................
Just make sure you get your things out.....I don't want to be with you....I don't want to Marry...you. I WANT TO BE FREE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be a friend but....nothing more....this was coming for awhile......... Just leave me...you will be better off. For at least, one year that we have been together we have argue! A year later....that will never change. WE CAN NOT CONTINUED!
I don't want to be my father...but if we keep on going on the same path... I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes...besides saving somebody tonight...just count the clock....I emailed you at 4:14am...ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
F..K YOU....and yes....F...K YOU!!! I don't need your **** anymore...just like you would say to me. Just leave...I don't know how to let you go....I guess like this.
I might be 2 years younger...but I at least have a "BANK ACCOUNT". AND, don't even go there....because...If I had the money that was given to me...like you...well....daaaaaaa!!!
I will respect your things....just make sure you get them out. SO....since I owe you $250.... - that for taxes... and you get....$170. Then get out of my life!! It is best for you and I.......................................
Just make sure you get your things out.....I don't want to be with you....I don't want to Marry...you. I WANT TO BE FREE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be a friend but....nothing more....this was coming for awhile......... Just leave me...you will be better off. For at least, one year that we have been together we have argue! A year later....that will never change. WE CAN NOT CONTINUED!
I don't want to be my father...but if we keep on going on the same path... I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes...besides saving somebody tonight...just count the clock....I emailed you at 4:14am...ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Your friend
Sneakers, :praying
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity
Is there a chance guys with temper/verbal abuse problems can get better with professional help - therapy?
Edit: I think it depends on how motivated a person is to change. What a person puts into their own recovery is what they get out of it. JMO!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Newark New Jersey
Posts: 38
Things can change
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity
Is there a chance guys with temper/verbal abuse problems can get better with professional help - therapy?
Your friend
Sneakers, :praying
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity
Is there a chance guys with temper/verbal abuse problems can get better with professional help - therapy?
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
more crap from me .....
:sorry - more crap....
Hi i have pasted the last exchange of emails between me and my the guy. Read from bottom up. We have spoken since and he is blaming on lot of friday on me. that I upset him so much b/c of the things I say that hurt him etc. I don't know anymore who is right or wrong, I would never have written an email like he did to me no matter how mad i was. again i am feeling like my fault. We are going to see my therapist together this week if I can ever get in touch with her and try and see if that helps. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I grew up with such f-uped parents that I don't know what a good relationship consists of...ya know what I mean?
him-
I do acknowledge my behaviors....my temper and all. But you have to as
well...I DID NOT DESEARVE YOUR ATTITUDE and COMMENTS FRIDAY DURING THE
AFTERNOON AND LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME. My mother is right you
are to strong willed to let things in. You always have to be right and
know it all. I am going to see a doctor tonight. Weather or not you
want
to be with me I guess that is up to you. I love you and want to spend
the rest of my life with you...but you also have a temper and between
that and arguing and the comments...I cracked and could not take it
anymore. I just try to help you but somehow you take it as controlling
you. (and don't bring up me and alcohol...even if I did have money I
still won't have gone out drink all the time. I would have rather have
spent it on going out with you or buying something for the apartment
for
us).You were out that night and I wanted to enjoy the out-side-park for
one last time. Having money to drink had nothing to do with it.
You did make a huge break thru when you said that your problems are not
mine and you will take care of them on your own...but that was too
late.
I got feed up getting treated nasty for helping you. And then YES by
bad
temper came out. I because I let thing effect me too much...for that I
am getting help with tonight. But you really don't listen to me and
support me to help make matters better. For that I am on my own with
getting help.
me-
First of all we probably need a break until you at
least get professional help. If I see you doing that
then maybe we can work on things. But without that I
dont' see things getting any better.
You also need to acknowledge and admit your behaviors,
which you still have not.
I am sorry you are in pain. I am sad myself.
him -
> I am going to stop over to get them. I did not sleep
> at all last night
> and I didn't feel like getting out of bed this
> morning. Got into work
> really late and did not shower. I don't want to
> fight either but I don't
> have the energy to see you now. If you are going to
> leave just leave
> already....this pain is unbearable.
Hi i have pasted the last exchange of emails between me and my the guy. Read from bottom up. We have spoken since and he is blaming on lot of friday on me. that I upset him so much b/c of the things I say that hurt him etc. I don't know anymore who is right or wrong, I would never have written an email like he did to me no matter how mad i was. again i am feeling like my fault. We are going to see my therapist together this week if I can ever get in touch with her and try and see if that helps. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I grew up with such f-uped parents that I don't know what a good relationship consists of...ya know what I mean?
him-
I do acknowledge my behaviors....my temper and all. But you have to as
well...I DID NOT DESEARVE YOUR ATTITUDE and COMMENTS FRIDAY DURING THE
AFTERNOON AND LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME. My mother is right you
are to strong willed to let things in. You always have to be right and
know it all. I am going to see a doctor tonight. Weather or not you
want
to be with me I guess that is up to you. I love you and want to spend
the rest of my life with you...but you also have a temper and between
that and arguing and the comments...I cracked and could not take it
anymore. I just try to help you but somehow you take it as controlling
you. (and don't bring up me and alcohol...even if I did have money I
still won't have gone out drink all the time. I would have rather have
spent it on going out with you or buying something for the apartment
for
us).You were out that night and I wanted to enjoy the out-side-park for
one last time. Having money to drink had nothing to do with it.
You did make a huge break thru when you said that your problems are not
mine and you will take care of them on your own...but that was too
late.
I got feed up getting treated nasty for helping you. And then YES by
bad
temper came out. I because I let thing effect me too much...for that I
am getting help with tonight. But you really don't listen to me and
support me to help make matters better. For that I am on my own with
getting help.
me-
First of all we probably need a break until you at
least get professional help. If I see you doing that
then maybe we can work on things. But without that I
dont' see things getting any better.
You also need to acknowledge and admit your behaviors,
which you still have not.
I am sorry you are in pain. I am sad myself.
him -
> I am going to stop over to get them. I did not sleep
> at all last night
> and I didn't feel like getting out of bed this
> morning. Got into work
> really late and did not shower. I don't want to
> fight either but I don't
> have the energy to see you now. If you are going to
> leave just leave
> already....this pain is unbearable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
yes -thank you for your honesty
well i am 37 not so young. he is 35. But I agree I have some work to do on myself b/c I obviously do not know what constitutes a healthy relationship.
He is going to therapy tonight for the first time, I am still going to move my stuff out this week, although I was actually considering staying with him. I don't know if seeing him at all while I am living here is a good idea or not. guess I need to discuss that with my therapist. I can't make an educated decision while living with him as I am too entrenched in it all. I need to get some perspective and we both need to work on our issues on our own. Maybe in the end we can be together, maybe not. I have told him I can't be with someone who is abusive like him. He still keeps blaming it on me. Maybe I will realize that he is wrong, that we are wrong and meet someone else eventually. I have to stop worrying about him getting better and focus on myself, this is what my therapist told me a while ago and I never really did it. I think that is part of co-dependency. I have a lot to learn.
He says all my comments are the reason for my temper and that I don't listen to him.
I am going to stay at my loving enviornment at my mom's for a bit. I ordered the two books that were recommended to me. Maybe I will go to some Coda or Domestic Violence Meetings. Are there verbal abuse meetings? Any other meetings you recommend going to? To help me with these issues. To help me become a better person in a relationship as well and choose the right people & realize what is acceptable or not. Because I obviously do not know what is acceptable in a relationship or not. Some of the issues are obviously my fault as well so I can't blame it all on him which I do sometimes.
Although, I do take his advice and try to work on myself. Like with not asking everyone's opinion on things in my life, making my own decisions. He does give me good advice on how to be a better person.
I have also been taking care of my problems more on my own w/out bothering him.
Lastly, I really need to work on my procratination, job hunting procrastination, and organizational skills. Not caring about what others think so much, needing someone else's validation all the time that I am a good person. That I am smart, pretty etc.
Sounds like a lot I have to work on and have been working on my whole life.
He is going to therapy tonight for the first time, I am still going to move my stuff out this week, although I was actually considering staying with him. I don't know if seeing him at all while I am living here is a good idea or not. guess I need to discuss that with my therapist. I can't make an educated decision while living with him as I am too entrenched in it all. I need to get some perspective and we both need to work on our issues on our own. Maybe in the end we can be together, maybe not. I have told him I can't be with someone who is abusive like him. He still keeps blaming it on me. Maybe I will realize that he is wrong, that we are wrong and meet someone else eventually. I have to stop worrying about him getting better and focus on myself, this is what my therapist told me a while ago and I never really did it. I think that is part of co-dependency. I have a lot to learn.
He says all my comments are the reason for my temper and that I don't listen to him.
I am going to stay at my loving enviornment at my mom's for a bit. I ordered the two books that were recommended to me. Maybe I will go to some Coda or Domestic Violence Meetings. Are there verbal abuse meetings? Any other meetings you recommend going to? To help me with these issues. To help me become a better person in a relationship as well and choose the right people & realize what is acceptable or not. Because I obviously do not know what is acceptable in a relationship or not. Some of the issues are obviously my fault as well so I can't blame it all on him which I do sometimes.
Although, I do take his advice and try to work on myself. Like with not asking everyone's opinion on things in my life, making my own decisions. He does give me good advice on how to be a better person.
I have also been taking care of my problems more on my own w/out bothering him.
Lastly, I really need to work on my procratination, job hunting procrastination, and organizational skills. Not caring about what others think so much, needing someone else's validation all the time that I am a good person. That I am smart, pretty etc.
Sounds like a lot I have to work on and have been working on my whole life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
of course my therapist is on vacation!
and I can't see her until after next wed...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my one gf who knows about me being with him and I am so embarrased now. wish I didn't say anything, but I feel like I needed some support.
I hope she does not end friendship with me now
see i am always worried what others think of me. I tell people too much sometimes. should keep more to myself. That is one reason why I am here. You are all non-judgemental and so understanding and give such wonderful advice. Thank you thank you to all of you wonderful souls. I wish you all the best in your journey in life.
I told my one gf who knows about me being with him and I am so embarrased now. wish I didn't say anything, but I feel like I needed some support.
I hope she does not end friendship with me now
see i am always worried what others think of me. I tell people too much sometimes. should keep more to myself. That is one reason why I am here. You are all non-judgemental and so understanding and give such wonderful advice. Thank you thank you to all of you wonderful souls. I wish you all the best in your journey in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
ok I am really sorry for all my posts
but I am about to have a serious breakdown. now my boyfriend may lose his job. because I have been calling him and emailing him all the time about our relationship since I have not been working especially. Sending him emails that upset him and he can't do his work. Upsetting him last night that he went into work late today and couldn't really work and talked to me all day and his boss caught him. I told him to go in there and blame it on me...my problems and to beg for his job. that he will work harder and always be there on time. He will probably lose his apt. and will lose his health insurance and I am afraid this will cycle him into a deeper depression. He will start drinking a lot. He has a hard time finding jobs. He does not have a college degree & we live in nyc where it is very expensive.
I feel like this is all my fault. I am having anxiety attack. I am going to go have to take extra ativan. I feel so horrible. I am ruining his life. What if he totally goes downhill, kills himself or something. this is all my fault. i am freaking out. sorry.
I feel like this is all my fault. I am having anxiety attack. I am going to go have to take extra ativan. I feel so horrible. I am ruining his life. What if he totally goes downhill, kills himself or something. this is all my fault. i am freaking out. sorry.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
It is NOT your fault. I doubt he went to work late because he was so upset about you. If he was so upset about you, why didn't he come running back on friday when you were upset? I think he is shifting blame and responsibility!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Sweet Charity, can you stop for a moment or two and try and take a few deep breaths? I know it's difficult to do sometimes when we get upset, but at least try, ok?
I know that when I let my fears and my imagination get the better of me, I can get so worked up. Yes, I've done that to myself too . It feels horrible.
What helped me is to deal with 'what is right now' instead of projecting towards the future. Although admittedly, sometimes that's easier said than done.
If you think you are contributing to his work issues by calling so often, then perhaps 'not calling him at work' might be something to think about. That is something that 'you can do' in the present, right?
Perhaps he's the one that should worry about whatever issues he may have at his job, and how 'he' should correct them. What do 'ya think?
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity
He will probably lose his apt. and will lose his health insurance and I am afraid this will cycle him into a deeper depression. He will start drinking a lot. He has a hard time finding jobs. He does not have a college degree & we live in nyc where it is very expensive.
I feel so horrible. I am ruining his life. What if he totally goes downhill, kills himself or something. this is all my fault. i am freaking out.
I feel so horrible. I am ruining his life. What if he totally goes downhill, kills himself or something. this is all my fault. i am freaking out.
What helped me is to deal with 'what is right now' instead of projecting towards the future. Although admittedly, sometimes that's easier said than done.
If you think you are contributing to his work issues by calling so often, then perhaps 'not calling him at work' might be something to think about. That is something that 'you can do' in the present, right?
Perhaps he's the one that should worry about whatever issues he may have at his job, and how 'he' should correct them. What do 'ya think?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Breathe SC
If he was worried about his job, he could have not taken your calls. That's how it works being an adult - taking responsibility for my own actions. I get to blame no one for my behavior, and no one gets to blame me for theirs.
((()))
If he was worried about his job, he could have not taken your calls. That's how it works being an adult - taking responsibility for my own actions. I get to blame no one for my behavior, and no one gets to blame me for theirs.
((()))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
