dollydo

Welcome,

You are making the right decision for you. That is the key.

Honey, you are never too old to find a good man. I am 60, and have a clean sober man who is 46, took me 59 years to find him...but, I figure, all good things are worth waiting for!

Take care of you, life is a song worth singing....sing it!

Sweet Charity

you are all so kind. you have me crying now like a two year old. your words touched me so much. friends don't understand nor do I want to talk to them about it especially since some I didn't even tell that I got back with him after breaking up with him (was a bad incident with friends where he embarassed me).

I pasted two emails he wrote to me today.

I thought it would change, he promised, said he would get help. All lies.

I will get those books you recommened and read them. I will see my therapist and talk about all this. I guess I am a co-dependent. But this is permanent, right?
.
It hurts so much, I can't stop crying my heart hurts. I put so much into this relationship. there was some good. but I have to keep remembering the bad.

thank you all. please give me the strength to be strong.


This is the email he writes me after me telling him I am done/that it is over.
I wrote again, shouldn't have and he just keeps saying "whatever'. Words are a waste with him. He always blames his behavior on us both being "head strong'.
Now he is blaming me for acting the way he did friday night b/c I gave him problems about going out as we were supposed to meet up and he never told me otherwise

1st email:


> That's fine! I don't want to lose you...but I can't
> stand the arguing anymore. We are both head strong
> and this can't work out any more. You say I need
> help....perhaps you are right. I love you so
> much...that I have to let you go!!! You will be
> better off with out me!!!
>
> I don't no what your problem was on friday...but
> that was the last straw. I was only trying to help
> you. I didn't deserve the attitude.
>
> My heart hurts lot....I don't know how I am going
> to go on. I am letting you go so that you can have a
> better life...as I do this my life will just keep on
> getting worst. I have already gone down a dark path
> and I feel like that is the price I have to pay for
> you to have a better one.
>
> Good bye...take care...


2nd email - crap i gave him during day - b/c I didn't call him exactly at 2:30 instead I called him at 2:21 to meet him to do our taxes. He went off on me on phone about this. What am I supposed to not get upset? my fault his phone battery dying and that he didn't pay his bill so he can only get incoming bills. but goes out drinking all night.


"I barley go out...maybe one night a week...and I am alcoholic....sure. And beside that I would never have done anything to you that night. I have learned my lesson on that...awhile ago when I first lost you. I did want to come home and be with you but after that crap you gave me during the day (as I was just trying to help) and then later when...it was okay for you to go out but when you heard I was out you start dishing the crap again. We would of had all day Saturday together but you had to give me crap for going out. Who the hell are you to give me **** about that. When your dumass friends can't even keep a date and cancel left and right. And I changed the plan from Friday together to be together on Saturday and you give me grief about that. This is me not taking responsibility....WHAT EVER!!!

If you want to dish out the comments than if I am my father you are your mother!!!!!!!"

CBrown

"I learned from personal experience that my words meant nothing to my A."

I knew what was really going on (as opposed to the BS my XABF was telling me on the phone) because I had informers. So when he called back in August and September and there were "violins playing in the background" and him saying he wanted me back I would laugh and tell him "Listen, I know what you're really up to, cut the crap." I would proceed to tell him what I knew, and it was in a "excuse me, you're trying to lie to me again, let me laugh at you" tone. Well, anything other than a tone of sweetness and you're wonderful tone to an A seems to result in "I'll get back at you b*tch." So sometimes you can get action with your words.

Other than that, I really have to go with the saying "How do you know an alcoholic is lying? He opens his mouth" to keep myself in reality. I cant think of a word my XABF told me that wasn't an outrageous lie or fabricated story. I could beg, plead, cry, and my words would fall on deaf ears. He truly is in a world of his own.

I will say that I sympathize with you about going back to him. I know your friends cannot understand but I sure do! I went back to my A probably a dozen times in ten years, and I was way down on his string of women! Woo hoo, I think the highest I ever made it was "second-best." Why? I thought maybe some day he'd wake up to me being the one for him if I loved him enough (boy was THAT dumb), and when I did realize he was on death's alcoholic door, I thought I could fix him! I'm sure we all have reasons on here why we stuck with our As for so long.

Hang in there, kid. We're here for you, and we want you to be a strong, happy, fulfilled woman. If it cannot be with him, so be it. I repeat, he should be there to build you up (and you him), and not tear you down.

denny57

It doesn't have to be. Good luck to you, Sweet Charity. When I devoted all that love and concern to myself for awhile, everything changed.

Look forward to hearing about your progress.

((()))

Sweet Charity

thank god I found this wonderful safe place.

i am a mess right now.

What do the e-mails he wrote above say to you? Just want advice. Do they sound like an abuser/someone who blames everything on someone else etc? just want some feedback. I have now blocked his email and delted his last one to me w/out even reading it. I told him this and to not call me ever again.

denny57

I can't say what he is or isn't, but the exchange does not look healthy. I would love to hear how it goes after you speak with your therapist. Hang in there!

Sweet Charity

hadenoughnow

Good for you, take care of yourself.
The language in his emails is part of the disease IMO, typical A "quacking". I personally would not spend time trying to make sense out of ranting and ravings.

Sweet Charity

thanks I will keep you up to date on what happens with my therapist. I have not explored this area yet with her/ the co-depency. She has never brought it up - does that mean she is not a good therapist. I have been seeing her for years. I feel like I figure out more by talking to you guys or friends than my therapist a lot of times. is there something wrong with that. I also discovered a lot from my ex. I still love him. He was there for me with great advice and support when I was upset. He went to work late one day to be with me while I cried. I suffer from occasional depression and anxiety. He was not all bad. right now I really miss him, i just want to be in his arms. i am afraid I will go back to him and forget about all the bad stuff or just put up with it for the good. i am so so sad. I love him so much

Sweet Charity

what do you mean by "quacking" sorry for all my questions, just trying to put everything together. understand everything that is happening to me. so I can stop it.

hadenoughnow

quacking = nonsensical rantings from an active A

to be more specific, my AH frequently says things that are completely contradictory or make no sense at all. For example, one week he will say that I am "not religious enough", now tonight he is saying he is an atheist ...............

gns

OMG I had to double check to see if you could be dating my ex! It is really interesting to hear (read) the similarities in what these guys say.

I would post some of the drama here for you to see, but in my case it was mostly verbal. I do have drama emails he wrote other women, though.

The "fine, whatever" tone is similar, the "feel sorry for me" ( in my case, i can't tell the truth because my parents punished me when I lied and so I learned to lie; my parents made me the way I am ((you would laugh if you met his parents, they are pretty normal people)), I know I have probably lost you and your friendship blah blah blah, in your case, I will suffer, so you can have a better life.

And then the "we argue all the time" (yes *******, because YOU are out-of-control disrespectful, selfish liar). Trying to portay me in a negative light, what is wrong with switching nights to see you? Who cares if I want to spend a little time with my friends (and not you, even though I SAY I wnt to marry you). He even made it seem NORMAL to star in porn, and I BELIEVED HIM??? Even the "I want to marry you," but not really acting like it any real way - it is all just words to him.

ARealLady

I have not explored this area yet with her/ the co-depency. She has never brought it up - does that mean she is not a good therapist.

My counsellor never once mentioned co-dependency when I was seeing her but she certainly encouraged me to start thinking for myself and, when you get right down to it, co-dependency involves denying your own feelings as you seek to control others. I remember in a session with her she asked me what I thought about something and I (I cannot believe I did this!!!) replied by telling her what my then H thought. She looked at me strangely and said "But I asked what YOU thought. Why are you telling me what he thinks. You don't know what he thinks.". People had been suggesting I read the MB book but I always thought co-dependency was something like inter-dependency and, if anything, I had always prided myself on my independence. After that session with the C, I got the book!

ARL

Pick-a-name

Sounds like an alcoholic "quacking"....I've basically heard all the same stuff. I have learned that if I don't "buck the A's "system" he can be soooo sweet,etc but let me not go for some of his crap and out comes plan b,c,etc. until something "works" (in the past). Now, I try to disengage from the attempts to draw me back into the drama. (He does not like that,either). It's not you.............it sounds very typical. (If you don't take it personally and "observe" it, you can see it as the same kind of thing a young child might try to use to talk himself out of something he knows he has be found out doing wrong.)

Sorry you are hurting;it is frustrating and bothersome....to say the least. This place has helped me so much; glad you are here and I hope you fnd it to be helpful,too.

p.s. Opps..missed the post about the "quacking"....when an A starts into their crazy-talking and blaming,etc...tune out the words and think of a duck: "quack-quack-quack"....all noise......

sad and in love

Hey there,
:codiepolice
I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with a total jerk too. Emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I am 23 and earlier this year cut ties completely with my boyfriend, an alcoholic who was abusive to me in every way. I found that everytime he would tell me he was going to go get help, or change for "us", he was just full of crap and didn't mean any of it! People with alcohol problems tend to say what they think we want to hear, and that does nothing for us because, in my case anyways, he didn't help at all! When he FINALLY went to rehab earlier this year, he cheated on me with a much older woman (she was pushing 40 and we are in our 20s) and literaly brought her home to live with him the day he got out. She is MARRIED and has a family, but doesnt care and flaunts about, drinking like a fish and making them both look like idiots. The best thing to do when you are dealing with an abusive bf is to cut your losses and leave, don't look back. You don't need to be his friend, you don't owe him anything. My ex had quite a bit of my things, and money that he owed me, and I said screw it and left, it wasn't worth it to go back and get hurt just to get material possessions. Be strong, and independent. This forum is GREAT for advice, alot of people have taken me under their wing with encouraging messages, private and on the board. I tried to go to alanon meetings, but ended up getting so upset at the door could never go in for the meeting, so this place on here has helped me so much to see that I am not the only one dealing with an exABF, and you will find that too. Good luck, I hope you stay strong and stay away from that loser. I have always wanted to get married, have kids, all that, but I thank God every day for not letting me do that with my ex, I would rather be alone with my friends and family then with a guy who has permanently physically and emotionally damaged me........

CBrown

GNS and Sad were all THREE of us with the same guy?!?!?! OMG, the similarities! The moral bankruptcy! The quacking! The verbal abusiveness! Dumping me for the older woman and looking like an idiot!

Ah well. I was a fool too, I guess. My motivation for a year was to persuade him to get help, and it was out of ignorance of alcoholics. I still hope and pray he hits bottom without dying and gets help.

sad and in love

Isnt it scary how many of these men (and women) are out there! I tried to make him get help, and look where it got me. I guess he did help me by screwing me over, she has to deal with him now and I am free! In a still trapped kind of way! Trying to move on! We just need to take our time and acknowledge that we are better, we deserve better, and alcoholics aren't the only ones who have a problem when it comes to relationships! WE end up with a problem too..........Mine lost ALL of his friends, he has nobody but his drunk old floozy, and she stil goes home to see her HUSBAND often! what a twisted situation! GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

Sweet Charity

Thanks! I got the book and can't wait till it comes!

Aquarian

Hi Sweet Charity
I have never known many people that are real honest and take responsibility for their life/actions etc. I think A's would NEVER. They love to blame. They can make up incredible tales that can sound almost believable. It's BS.

Try not to sucked in to the game. He is not well.

I am not sure I believe it when I hear an A say "I love you" because I am not sure they are capable of it. I think they may think they love, but maybe it's more of a sick dependency on another person.

Just my thoughts! Stay strong, keep writing!

Sweet Charity

First of all sorry for my rambling.

He kept sending me texts and calling me with a restricted number last night. He said he did not want to lose me and to not leave him and then when I would say something he didn't like he would say "f" u or something. His voice messages kept saying what did he do wrong, he did nothing wrong, "I just went out b/c you went out." He does not think the email he wrote me (he said he was sober when he wrote it) was only b/c of the note I wrote to him at his apt (see below, it was very benign & that I left him). He will not even acknowledge that we talked and we going to meet at his apt. after my quick dinner. I purposely ended my night early.

Next thing I know once I am at his place that he is out b/c of a note & I called him. On the note he wrote went out to blah blah don't worry we have all day tomorrow to sleep and watch movies. I was pissed, I wrote on his note that I have things to do tomorrow and that I hope he has fun sleeping all day and that I was leaving.

I was scared to be there so I took a cab to a safe place, my moms. The thing is he does not drink often, one reason may be b/c he does not have the money to. He is abusive even when he does not drink though, just gets worse.

I texted him back that if he does not know what he did wrong than that is even worse. Again it is all my fault b/c I gave him an attitude during the day and then gave him crap about going out. I told him to get professional help asap. :wtf2 He sent me an e-mail this morning responding to mine calling me crazy.

I am feeling bad about everything today like it is my fault. Part of co-dependency right? and lonely like i want to be with him again. I just called him a couple of times & emailed him about our taxes but he won't respond. I feel broken down.

Thank you all, I want to be strong but it is hard, especially b/c I don't have a job right now to keep me occupied and my best friend is too busy for me.

also, I don't know about al-anon meetings, his issues were more just verbal abuse. What type of groups would you suggest for that? Also, do you think Coda meetings would be helpful? Have any of you been to them?


Love,
Sweet Charity