Question.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Question.....
So this is something I have been thinking about for a while now--ever since I first heard of the 12 steps...
So, the first step is admitting you are powerless over (fill-in-the-blank: Alcohol, people, drugs, etc...), right?
This confuses me a little....I have come to believe that, we are the creators of our own lives--we have choices, we make decisions, and we have the power & hold the responsibility over our own lives & happiness.....And although we can't always control the outside world, we CAN control how it affects us on the inside.
I was also thinking about what we believe to be true about ourselves---and how that can shape our lives. For example, if I hold the belief that "I am worthless"....then my actions, thoughts, behaviors, etc... will reflect that...
So, it bothers me a bit saying, "I am powerless over (fill-in-the-blank)" because it seems in a sense that I am saying to myself that I have no control over this problem... when really, I do....I must, right? Otherwise, how would I ever heal? It just seems a bit contradictory---because all through recovery I am learning: I am responsible for me...I must take responsibility over my own happiness...I have the power/strength within me to heal myself.
(I want to add that I realize that the first step has helped many people, and by no means do I mean to offend anyone, or suggest that it is "wrong" or anything like that....)
I truly am a bit confused here....maybe I just hold some different beliefs, or maybe I am not understanding the first step completely...Any comments???
So, the first step is admitting you are powerless over (fill-in-the-blank: Alcohol, people, drugs, etc...), right?
This confuses me a little....I have come to believe that, we are the creators of our own lives--we have choices, we make decisions, and we have the power & hold the responsibility over our own lives & happiness.....And although we can't always control the outside world, we CAN control how it affects us on the inside.
I was also thinking about what we believe to be true about ourselves---and how that can shape our lives. For example, if I hold the belief that "I am worthless"....then my actions, thoughts, behaviors, etc... will reflect that...
So, it bothers me a bit saying, "I am powerless over (fill-in-the-blank)" because it seems in a sense that I am saying to myself that I have no control over this problem... when really, I do....I must, right? Otherwise, how would I ever heal? It just seems a bit contradictory---because all through recovery I am learning: I am responsible for me...I must take responsibility over my own happiness...I have the power/strength within me to heal myself.
(I want to add that I realize that the first step has helped many people, and by no means do I mean to offend anyone, or suggest that it is "wrong" or anything like that....)
I truly am a bit confused here....maybe I just hold some different beliefs, or maybe I am not understanding the first step completely...Any comments???
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Layla2222 
So, the first step is admitting you are powerless over (fill-in-the-blank: Alcohol, people, drugs, etc...), right?
.....And although we can't always control the outside world, .....
.....And although we can't always control the outside world, .....
I am powerless over....
Once we figure out what we are powerless over, we can then look for solutions to deal with such.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
I think I'm still confused a bit....
Well, the step says essentially that we are powerless over our addiction (right?)--not powerless over the outside world.....
So, how can I say that I am powerless over my addictions, when I am the only one who has the power (within me) to heal them?
Hmmm......I think maybe I am misunderstanding meaning of the step..... "I am powerless over (blank)" is very broad...and I assumed it to mean just what it says..
But I see, you are saying it is more specific than that--and is different for everyone (?)
Thanks for sharing
Well, the step says essentially that we are powerless over our addiction (right?)--not powerless over the outside world.....
So, how can I say that I am powerless over my addictions, when I am the only one who has the power (within me) to heal them?
Hmmm......I think maybe I am misunderstanding meaning of the step..... "I am powerless over (blank)" is very broad...and I assumed it to mean just what it says..
But I see, you are saying it is more specific than that--and is different for everyone (?)
Thanks for sharing
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
I am powerless of other people's actions
That's how I think of it. I CAN change things about myself. I CAN change my thinking and my behavior. But I CANNOT change other peoples perceptions.
The A will do what the A will do. I can't change that. I can create boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior and stick by them to create harmony for myself. I cannot stop the torment that others place upon themselves. I cannot take the steps of recovery for someone else. I cannot enlighten them by my force alone.
You can think of it this way too if you are the addict. You need help creating new patterns of bahavior. New coping skills. They aren't going to come to you by osmosis. You have to rely on others to open the doors to new coping skills. You are powerless to make these changes without a greater sum than just you to make these changes. Look to your higher power, talk to Him/Her, bitch at them, yell, cry. He/She will give you focus and power more than you can by yourself.
-Allison
The A will do what the A will do. I can't change that. I can create boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior and stick by them to create harmony for myself. I cannot stop the torment that others place upon themselves. I cannot take the steps of recovery for someone else. I cannot enlighten them by my force alone.
You can think of it this way too if you are the addict. You need help creating new patterns of bahavior. New coping skills. They aren't going to come to you by osmosis. You have to rely on others to open the doors to new coping skills. You are powerless to make these changes without a greater sum than just you to make these changes. Look to your higher power, talk to Him/Her, bitch at them, yell, cry. He/She will give you focus and power more than you can by yourself.
-Allison
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Layla2222
Well, the step says essentially that we are powerless over our addiction (right?)--
1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I had to work the steps to truly understand them. Focusing on one word of the first step gave me the illusion I still could control what I could not. I have a very, very hard head and I spent quite a while thinking I would find the 13th step which let everyone go home and cure the addiction.
The 12 steps are not for everyone and there are loads of paths out there that lead to personal recovery. IMO, picking one of them is always a step in the right direction.
((()))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Layla -
I think it's a good question. I am a recovering crack addict, but had problems with alcohol years b4 that.
I say I am powerless over my addiction because I know I can't control my use..give me something that will numb my feelings, and I will abuse it.
I am NOT, however, powerless over how I deal with addiction. I can't control the fact that I can't pick up, but I can control how I live my life to insure that I don't pick up. Things like finding better ways to control my stress, surrounding myself by supportive people, and staying away from people who are bad influences. I have people in my life today, that if I get into that "stinkin' thinkin'" I call them right away and they talk me back into sanity.
Hope this helps!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think it's a good question. I am a recovering crack addict, but had problems with alcohol years b4 that.
I say I am powerless over my addiction because I know I can't control my use..give me something that will numb my feelings, and I will abuse it.
I am NOT, however, powerless over how I deal with addiction. I can't control the fact that I can't pick up, but I can control how I live my life to insure that I don't pick up. Things like finding better ways to control my stress, surrounding myself by supportive people, and staying away from people who are bad influences. I have people in my life today, that if I get into that "stinkin' thinkin'" I call them right away and they talk me back into sanity.
Hope this helps!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sunny Fla
Posts: 112
The way that I look at this step is by not living my life around my A and his addiction. Before starting with alanon I used to feel responsible for my A actions. I would be embarrassed about his behavior at parties and worried that people would think badly of US because of him. I stopped having people over and stopped accepting invitations to get togethers.
It made me think, 'Do I think badly of Mary because her husband Joe comes to our house and gets trashed and makes an ass of himself?' The answer was "NO. Mary had nothing to do with it.' So, why would people think badly of me? Chances are they wouldn't. After all, I didn't put the beer in my AH hand and demand him to drink it.
My point is that I can not control my A, but why should I stop living and doing things I enjoy because I am worried about, once again, something I can not control.
It made me think, 'Do I think badly of Mary because her husband Joe comes to our house and gets trashed and makes an ass of himself?' The answer was "NO. Mary had nothing to do with it.' So, why would people think badly of me? Chances are they wouldn't. After all, I didn't put the beer in my AH hand and demand him to drink it.
My point is that I can not control my A, but why should I stop living and doing things I enjoy because I am worried about, once again, something I can not control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
There are many things in life that I have tried to control, and failed miserably. My ex-wife's addiction is the most recent example. Not only did I fail to control it, I failed to recognize that I failed, and kept trying. and trying. and trying.
That's the first half of the first step in al-anon, for me. Recognizing the truth of my situation, removing the blinders of denial and seeing reality for the first time.
The second half says that my life became unmanageable. I already knew that when I arrived in al-anon, that's _why_ I came to al-anon. The difference is that the first step tells me that the _reason_ my life is unmanageable is because I kept trying to control my ex-wife's addiction.
I _thought_ the reason my life was unmanageable was because _she_ was addicted. I was wrong. It was not _her_ addiction, it was _my_ refusal to admit the truth of the situation.
When I "work" that step I am getting _off_ the merry-go-round of failure. I am creating the possiblity that I can return my life to a state of manageability. If I stop trying to control those things I cannnot control (her addiction) then I can control those things I _can_ control, which would be _me_.
Step 1 thru 6 are the instruction manual for achieving the first line in the Serenity prayer, which reads "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change". Two of the things I cannot change are my ex-wife's addiction and the damage I did to my life by trying to control her addiction.
All the tools of recovery fit together this way. Steps, prayers, slogans, traditions, they all build on each other and create a solid structure on which to base my life and build a future for myself.
Mike
That's the first half of the first step in al-anon, for me. Recognizing the truth of my situation, removing the blinders of denial and seeing reality for the first time.
The second half says that my life became unmanageable. I already knew that when I arrived in al-anon, that's _why_ I came to al-anon. The difference is that the first step tells me that the _reason_ my life is unmanageable is because I kept trying to control my ex-wife's addiction.
I _thought_ the reason my life was unmanageable was because _she_ was addicted. I was wrong. It was not _her_ addiction, it was _my_ refusal to admit the truth of the situation.
When I "work" that step I am getting _off_ the merry-go-round of failure. I am creating the possiblity that I can return my life to a state of manageability. If I stop trying to control those things I cannnot control (her addiction) then I can control those things I _can_ control, which would be _me_.
Step 1 thru 6 are the instruction manual for achieving the first line in the Serenity prayer, which reads "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change". Two of the things I cannot change are my ex-wife's addiction and the damage I did to my life by trying to control her addiction.
All the tools of recovery fit together this way. Steps, prayers, slogans, traditions, they all build on each other and create a solid structure on which to base my life and build a future for myself.
Mike
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
We we admit we our powerless we let go of the control. When u get there u will feel like a weight is off your shoulders. I am powerless over my husbands drinking. What I can control is my reaction. When I stepped out of the drama my recovery started. No big surprise but the soap opera ended when I stopped and gave up the control.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
It was a bit confusing for me at first too.
The my life became unmanageble part wasn't too hard to see.
Being a recoverying alki....okay, I can reconized that i wasn't thinking
too clearly being loaded, so I would make insane decisions.
Recoverying from my codependcy was/is a bit tougher.
I thought i totally went off of my rockers..because i wasn't getting
loaded anymore and still suffering the consiquence.
but there also came moments in my life, when I would keep doing
the samething over and over again, after suffering many heart aches
and let down. If I have the power to overcome it..then why did I keep
going back ?.. I knew logically it wasn't too healthy and wasn't the
best thing in the world for me. I promise myself over and over again
that i wouldn't do that again...guess what ???
I did it again. And why did I stay for so long..if I had the will ?
There where also moments when i wouldn't even pack my bags
and leave. I kept telling myself to, but there was nothing inside
of me that could get me out of the situation. i would struggle
with myself. I felt tired and beaten as time went by.
Basically I felt like I had the life sucked out of me.
Just from my own personal experince. I knew i needed a greater
power than myself to help me because there was nothing left inside
of me. i was running on empty.
Just taking a simple inventory of myself would easily show me my powerlessness.
I belive there has to a level of healing somewhere.
For me to want to live again.
For me to want to try again.
For me to want hope again.
Something has to step into my life. You can call it god, unconditional love,
grace. I'm not totally sure but from how i feel and thought...
Something must of had to.
The my life became unmanageble part wasn't too hard to see.
Being a recoverying alki....okay, I can reconized that i wasn't thinking
too clearly being loaded, so I would make insane decisions.
Recoverying from my codependcy was/is a bit tougher.
I thought i totally went off of my rockers..because i wasn't getting
loaded anymore and still suffering the consiquence.
but there also came moments in my life, when I would keep doing
the samething over and over again, after suffering many heart aches
and let down. If I have the power to overcome it..then why did I keep
going back ?.. I knew logically it wasn't too healthy and wasn't the
best thing in the world for me. I promise myself over and over again
that i wouldn't do that again...guess what ???
I did it again. And why did I stay for so long..if I had the will ?
There where also moments when i wouldn't even pack my bags
and leave. I kept telling myself to, but there was nothing inside
of me that could get me out of the situation. i would struggle
with myself. I felt tired and beaten as time went by.
Basically I felt like I had the life sucked out of me.
Just from my own personal experince. I knew i needed a greater
power than myself to help me because there was nothing left inside
of me. i was running on empty.
Just taking a simple inventory of myself would easily show me my powerlessness.
I belive there has to a level of healing somewhere.
For me to want to live again.
For me to want to try again.
For me to want hope again.
Something has to step into my life. You can call it god, unconditional love,
grace. I'm not totally sure but from how i feel and thought...
Something must of had to.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I came to believe that I am powerless because there is a power greater than myself.
I came to believe that I don't have to be the boss of the world. I am powerless
I surrendered to the fact that I don't have to control anyone but myself. I don't have to always be pushing ...I have learned to receive. I surrendered and I am so much more relaxed, happy and amazed how much easier it is to be by letting go.
Step one was difficult at first for me too since I am not an addict.
But I get it now. I kept going back and I worked the 12 steps and now they work for me.
I came to believe that I don't have to be the boss of the world. I am powerless
I surrendered to the fact that I don't have to control anyone but myself. I don't have to always be pushing ...I have learned to receive. I surrendered and I am so much more relaxed, happy and amazed how much easier it is to be by letting go.
Step one was difficult at first for me too since I am not an addict.
But I get it now. I kept going back and I worked the 12 steps and now they work for me.
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