FormerDoormat

Over the years, my parents, my church, and my teachers instilled a number of values in me like the importance of faith, honesty, and integrity, faithfulness to those I love, compassion for others, and the importance in performing acts of kindness. But somewhere along the lines I didn't learn the importance of performing acts of kindness for myself.

I didn't know that finding a healthy partner was an act of kindness. I didn't know that nurturing myself with healthy food and daily exercise was an act of kindness. I didn't know that taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically was an act of kindness. I didn't know that learning to love myself was an act of kindness. Somehow, I just didn't learn these lessons. So these days, I'm focusing on performing acts of kindness for myself.

I've spent so much time devoting myself to helping others and trying to improve their lives that I didn't realize that I was neglecting myself in the process. So today I'm making a concerted effort to be kinder to myself and to take care of my needs first. Once my cup is overflowing, then I can perform acts of kindness towards others in a much healthier way.

FindingMe

Thanks for that, I needed it today!!!!!

keepingmyjoy

Thanks FD! I am so glad you posted this. I am struggling with taking care of me in some ways. Thanks for the reminder that 1. It is good to be kind to yourself in those ways, and 2. that is is healthier to take care of our needs first and offer acts of kindness for others.

What a good reminder. I love that word Nurture! I think about how I love my son and nurture him....I want to do that to myself as well! And maybe with practice, I won't feel guilty doing it

FormerDoormat

I've recently realized that I denied myself nearly every pleasure in life: a healthy relationship, healthy food, fun, laughter, friends, companionship, entertainment, decent clothing, a life outside my home, even a good haircut. Yet I would bend over backwards to make sure everyone else in my life had everything they needed. Not just making sure they had what they asked for--but also attempting to anticipate and fulfill their needs before they even asked. And when folks didn't return the favor or heaven knows--anticipate my needs--then I became resentful and bitter.

I became my own worst enemy. I didn't need others to abuse or neglect me. I'd become my own abuser. How could I expect others to treat me with kindness when I was abusing myself? They learned from my own example. They were abusing and neglecting me, too.

embraced2000

thanks for sharing this, jill. you have inspired me to look closer at how i treat myself. you have upped my ante and helped me see something on a different level. i have tried so hard to show myself acts of kindness, and it's been a struggle.

i guess this is where the slogan...fake it till you make it......will help me.

something i'm doing now is organizing my entire home.....one little section at a time. every day, i have a project that i've decided upon the night before. from there, i started a notebook, and chart my progress. it feel wonderful to see my progress written down, and follow a plan. may sound simple, but it helps me.

the projects may be very small, but every day, i accomplish something that i have planned. it feels very good. real good.

again, thanks for sharing.

Layla2222

Thanks for sharing
I too have so often...and for so long...neglected myself....it's something I working on.....It's funny, when I hear the phrase "an act of kindness", the last thing I think about is myself! But I realize, it is true: I deserve to be kind to ME too!
Thank you for the reminder

"Yet I would bend over backwards to make sure everyone else in my life had everything they needed"
--I definitely know how you feel here! It is exhausting trying to anticipate what everyone may need all the time-- always pleasing everyone....
(Reading this did make me laugh for a second though...I just realized that those "need-anticipating", "people-pleasing" behaviors of mine actually made me a d*mn good waitress for many years through high school and college! haha)

ICU

Ummmmm, yeah. This was me! I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing useful left to give. I was so empty inside I became desperate to fill the void with something, anything! Unfortunately resentment was all too willing to fill that void, so I learned to give that instead.


I’m beginning to find that this is very true. When ’I’ am filled, (gosh, I’m beginning to remind me of a chocolate crème filled donut, LOL), giving freely to others is done in a much healthier way, i.e. without any expectations.

Great thread JIll!

Barbara52

Thanks for this. You've given me some food for thought. The people in here do that so often, one reason I love everyone of you.

StandingStrong

Beautiful post! And it's so true. Many of us spend so much in loving another that we don't realize that we neglect and practically abuse ourselves.
Thank you for sharing - and glad to hear that you are now treating yourself as you should - with love.

embraced2000

so i've been thinking....this thread has that effect on me.....as do many others.

why did i do those things that you mentioned? working so hard to make others comfortable, happy, etc., while ignoring what i wanted?

i thought about this as i fell asleep last night, and woke up several times thinking of it.

i have always sought validation through acts of kindness towards others. i often resented many of the things i did, but would do them anyway. i wasn't treating myself, as i was treating others, waiting for them to give me the praise, validation, and approval that i sought.

although i have been in recovery for a little 3 years, i still feel like a newbie, because i keep reaching different plateaus (sp) of awareness.

i have found that it is much easier to prioritize now, and do only those things that truly come from the heart, instead of my need for recognizition. these situations are much more clearer now, in recovery, but i still stumble at times....imagine that.

thanks so much for this thread.

and i'm so grateful that you are treating yourself with love....i know you have had many challenges these past couple of months. you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

FormerDoormat

"why did i do those things that you mentioned?"

I did it because my mom did it regularly for my father, and me, and my six siblings. She wasn't a codependent; it was her way of showing us that she loved us. But come to think of it, she did exhibit resentment from time to time if we got wrapped up in our own lives and failed to return the favor. Or worse yet, if we were uanble to read her mind and anticipate what she needed. In those cases, she made it clear that we had disappointed her.

I tried very hard not to disappoint her or others whom I love, much in the same way that I can't resist checking on my posts to see if others agree with my opinion via the thank-you button. I want to see if I'm accepted here, respected here, and liked. I know these things shouldn't matter and or have any bearing on how I feel about myself but, honestly, they still do. I'm working on changing these behaviors, but it's as hard to change life-long habits as it is for me to perform acts of kindness for myself.