PaddyCake

Okay, my AF quit his job this past Monday and has since been in bed all day long, drinking heavily. At first, he was verbally and mentally abusive to my mother (which is the normal routine when he is drinking), but now he has just locked himself in the basement bedroom and won't come out. For the time being, at least there is no more yelling or screaming, but it is still very disturbing. He is not really eating. He is just drinking alone in the bedroom. My mom and grandma have tried to coax him out by talking to him through the door, but he refuses to leave the bedroom or even open the door. I wonder if he is a suicide risk.

My mom recently told my dad that if he fell off the wagon again, she would leave him. He of course fell off the wagon on my brother's 21 b-day (in early September), ruining yet another birthday/holiday, and this time it really hurt my brother. My mom has now decided to leave him, but is finding it hard since he has lost it and has locked himself in the basement bedroom.

I don't live at home anymore, and I am not sure what to do. The rest of us (my mom, bro, and myself) have to work to make some money and sustain ourselves. We can't be with him all the time (nor do we really want to).

I am wondering if he is really severly depressed/suicidal, or if he is just "playing possum". Is it a defense mechinism? Is he thinking, "my wife won't leave me if I act this way". I don't get it. This has been going on for years, and I am losing my patience and sympathy. He has caused one nightmare after another in our lives. I can't keep going through this.

I don't know if we should try to get him help or just ignore him. I think all of our sanity is swaying and we have no idea if he is manipulating us or really needs help. WHat is frustrating is that we have tried to help!!! We staged an intervention about 2 years ago. He went to rehab, and was sober only 4 months before relapsing. We can't keep going through that, it is too exhausting. It is the same patern over and over.

Anyone else have any insight or had anything similar with their A?

Jazzman

Sure, my ex would hold up in the bedroom for days at a time when she was in the throws of another alcohol induced depression.

Probably not much you can do to support your Father but I bet you could support your Mother and Brother, just by spending time with them. Get your Mom out of the house, see a movie.

minnie

Is he a danger to himself or others?

If not, he can do whatever the hell he likes, hard may that be for the rest of you. If my first question doesn't apply, then I am betting that you will all benefit from carrying on with your lives, perhaps adding in some alanon or therapy for good measure.

Layla2222

My AHBF would lock himself in his room and drink, and he was indeed suicidal.... it was really scary, but there was nothing we could do. Since he was wasted in there, and basically drunk out of his mind (literally)--there was no reasoning with him, or talking to him, or calming him down or anything. We, of course, we're really scared since we knew he was suicidal, so me & his parents tried to confront him/talk to him in the room he had locked himself in, and it really agitated him--I think he felt threatened in a way by us--like we we're going to "bug" him or ask him to do something, or ask him to at least stop drinking......and when we came in the room, he ended up jumping out the 2nd story bedroom window! Basically, by us trying to "do something", it just pushed him even further.....
I know it is so hard, but in my opinion-- and in my situation--- if I could go back in time--I realize it would have been best to just leave him alone--AT LEAST until he ran out of alcohol in there, fell asleep, stopped drinking, or became sober. Otherwise, there is no point in trying to have a reasonable conversation with him.
Well, this is just my opinion from dealing with my experiences with my AH......
Hope it may help & I wish you much support! (((((((((( ))))))))))))))

Janitw

I have to agree with the others.....leave him be hun...

My XAH would go off and just be MIA for 2 weeks or more every year and a half to two years and who knows what his mood was like...or what he did for that matter so I can not comment too much on this topic. I just want to offer you a hug hun. Take care.

Pilgrim

I think you have had lots of good advice here already.

I am sorry to hear your sad story and I just wanted to send you some support.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has a chapter for wives and a chapter for families.

Maybe you could ring AA and someone could come and talk to him when he is shaky and sick after this binge.

In the meantime, please look after yourself.

steve11694

You may wish to call a local suicide/addiction hotline. Has your family tried an intervention?

PaddyCake

Thank you for your support and understanding. My dad did come out of the bedroom this weekend and Pilgrim, you were right, he was really shaky and sick after his binge. I need to remember that we all have to take care of ourselves and not become so focused on the alcoholic. There was nothing we could have done anyway. He was not threatening or aggressive, nor was he talking about hurting himself. There was no "emergency" present.

Jazzman, you were right. My mom came to visit me and we went to the Russian Art Museum and had a really nice time. She told me she felt better just getting out of the house and doing something "normal" for the day.

The next big struggle is my mom divorcing my dad. They have been married almost 30 years. She has retained an attorney and yesterday she told my dad that she wants a divorce. So far, he is not putting up a fight and even said that it is probably for the best. I support my mom, but also feel really really sad. I have heard that going through a divorce is similar to dealing with death. There is a mourning period. I think that is how I feel right now. It is hard to see this happen, but I know there are no other options anymore. I think I need to find a support group for adult children of divorcing parents!!

Thanks for listening

PaddyCake

rawr_x

i hope everything gets better