Lilyflower

Hi everyone, I'm new here

My partner is an alcoholic. He has accepted he has a problem mmmm perhaps 6 months ago. I think things finally sunk in when his mother died of liver/kidney failure due to her alcohol abuse. Since then he has been to AA meetings but never consistantly, and he has stopped (a week at most) cut down and binge drinked. I know he is trying in the best way he can at the moment and I am very concious that he will only ever quit completely when it is right for him.

At times I feel strong and can deal with the lack of money & debts, but what brings me down and makes it hard for me to be strong for him is the emotional strain. I am codependant, at one time I loved to be alone, even revelled in my own space but as I have grown into an adult I often fear the responsibilities of the world and want to stay in bed and ignore everyone! I have been on anti depressants for a year and I am healthier now than ever. My problems were with me before I met my BF, although his addiction can make it hard for me to deal with stress.

Alot of the messages I've read on this site seem to be from people who have had to walk out due to the pain and stress. Does anyone have any advice on how to make a relationship work when both people are ill and trying to get better? My bf and I love each other dearly, it is this love which keeps us strong.

Buffalo66

Can your search whether AlAnon is available to you in your town?
Alanon is very non judgemental, and simply provides support for anyone who is being affected by anothers' alcoholism. The focus is on finding a sense of serenity and Okness, whether your Alcoholic is drinking or not.

It is worth looking into. Keep posting, and welcome, B66

LaTeeDa

I don't think any of us here ever wanted to leave. For me, there came a point when I had to. If I could have accepted him as he was, without the need to change him in any way, I probably could have stayed. I just couldn't do it. Best of luck to you.

L

BayouSelf

My ex-AH and I had to split up and although the first year or so was the most painful experience I have ever been through, life is so much better on the other side of that. I still love him and probably always will, but for my sanity, I can only love him from a distance. He is still as sick as he always was and now with a new codie to depend on and although I'm alone, I have learned that being by myself is much less alone, than being in a stressful abusive relationship all alone.

denny57

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/groupsAndMeetings.asp

Welcome to SR!

If love could cure addiction, this site wouldn't exist. It can be a tempting trap - believing others did not and could not possibly love like me and AH.

Take care and keep posting.

Lilyflower

Thanks everyone,
I guess I feel that as Alcoholism is a disease, I cannot look for blame on my bf. I would never leave my partner if he had a chronic illness of any other type. I am not foolish enough to think 'Love conquers all' but I hope that by keeping me strong he will find the strength he needs to stop.

Deep down inside of him is the man of my dreams, and I have him 80% of the time. Its the other 20% i've got to learn how to cope with.

Does this mean I am allowing the addiction to continue or am I doing the right thing for us both to be happy and healthy?

hbb

We've gone back and forth regarding this alot on here. For me, in my own situation, if my exabf had a chronic illness i would certainly NOT leave him just for that reason. BUT, where alcoholism is concerned there IS a solution and there are many ways of getting the help they need and get better, there is a choice. I think it's compare the two...IMHO.

Keep posting, we are all here for you

Lilyflower

Some times when things are particulary bad I say things to him like 'you could stop if you wanted to' or 'you give up giving up too easily' etc etc, and each time he says that its not that simple, that I don't understand how it is. So I guess thats why I'm here. I want to learn how difficult it is for alcoholics to stop, I want to understand his struggle better.

I just hope that we can have a future together.

Thanks for your support HBB and to everyone for chatting with me, its a great relief to have people to chat to who can relate xxxx

BayouSelf

Many of my friends in Alanon have chosen to stay with their AH's and they are happy to a certain extent, but they still continue to have rough times. Alanon and supportive friends help to keep them grounded. I couldn't stay with mine because he was robbing me blind and if I would have stayed with him, I would have been financially destitute at some point. Getting into a program of Alanon can help keep you sane while trying to stay in this type of relationship. I'm always about saving the relationship if it is possible....unfortunately that wasn't the case for me. I'll keep you in my prayers and wish you the best!

hbb

Glad your here and posting

I can give you a little background of what i went through, granted it's not nearly as tough as alot of the men and women here.

My exbf and i started dating a year ago this Oct., he was an alcoholic, started drinking at 16 until 33, only quitting for 6 months at one time. By Christmas i was done, couldn't take anymore, couldn't find him, calling places, going to his apt which he wasn't there and the lies. I told him that if he was going to continue to drink that i wasn't the girl for him. He said he didn't want to lose me and said he would quit and i told him that was good but he also HAD to attend AA weekly. He agreed after hesitation.

He is sober to this day (as far as i know) he is coming up on 10 months but he's white knuckling it, and alot of bad stuff happened to where we are no longer together because you take the drink away from a horse theif, your left with a horse theif in my situation. He wasn't any nicer sober. But anyways, what i'm trying to say is that these things are bothering you now and you are not married or have children.....i would take some time, get better for yourself, let him get help if that's what he chooses. Take one day at a time. I went to Al Anon which helped for a while and now i too am on anti-depresants and see a counselor weekly for ME.

If i knew then what i've learned here, i would have done things completely different. This site has saved my life since July when he broke up with me and him "getting better". I know someday i will say he did me a favor. But if it's bothering you now, i would really look at yourself and what you can do for YOU. I"m unfortunatley financially tied to my exabf but we no longer speak. I'm thinking of you. Keep posting

Lilyflower

Thanks for sharing that with me Heather. I am not married and we don't have children together but we have been together for 4 years and my 9 year old daughter has grown extremely close to him in that time. We are financially tied as we have a house together and in every way we are married without the paper work!

My depression was caused by a series of events, from my mothers chrones disease, being bullied at school and being left alone at 4 months pregnant.

Although now I look back on these things as events that made me stronger. The depression is a minor set back because I was low so long I forgot how to cheer my self up! If that makes sense! In all honesty, I've managed to heal myself while being in this relationship and dealing with these issues. I don't want to give the impression that my depression was caused nor continued by my partners actions. I have (i think) sucessfully placed my problems in a separate draw from his within my mind.

My partner has always liked a drink and was probably an alcoholic when I met him, but I am aware that his drinking got worse in the 6 months following his mothers death. I know in his mind he was protecting himself from the pain under the blanket of drunkeness.

Lilyflower

Perhaps I am living in a candy floss, sugar coated mind! I still firmly believe that things can and will get better. I'm a bit stubborn that way!

Lilyflower

I wanted to post this quote from another thread. I think its good to keep in mind the helplessness of those with the addiction. Thank you to Nandm for posting this

'drinking is not a choice for an alcoholic, at the point the person is alcoholic, the choice to drink or not is no longer a choice. Once the person is able to stop drinking via any method that works then it becomes a choice whether or not to pick up a drink and start the cycle of the disease again. Only then is drinking a choice for the alcoholic.'

MsPINKAcres

((lilyflower))

Hi & Welcome to SR -

Reaching out for help is one the many, many ways that we can find help in dealing with a loved ones drinking issues.

I am married to an alcoholic/addict - the first 10 or so yrs of our marriage were lived with the active chaos of the drinking & using and all the drama that goes with it - his & mine.

Then we had a couple of yrs with Recovery and although it wasn't perfect - it is an awesome place to be in a loving relationship where both parties are truly devoted to recovery, devoted to working on the marriage and dedicated to their spiritual journey.

But, the disease has become active in our lives again. Not only in my marriage, but also in one of our adult daughters.

Today, I am still in this marriage and still have contact with that daughter. This is the decision for today. It may change tomorrow, only my HP knows that. I have set boundaries, do strong self-care and a wonderful support system in my Al-Anon (f2f) Home group & SR families. But the most important is my relationship with the God of my understanding.

It is never easy living with the active part of the disease - I do not know how long that my life will be in this season - but I do know that I have the tools to take care of me, to detach with love, to comprehend what is happening, to stay away from denial and to lovingly give my family members to their God so that they can be in His care.

That, my new friend, is how I am living with active alcholism - One Day at a Time - still learning to be Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of the actions of others.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

wpgwoman

Welcome Lily

I too wanted to learn to be supportive and live with this disease. While I have somewhat appreciated my A's efforts in the past year to embrace sobriety, I have found that the constant apprehension of a re-occurrence is always looming over my head. For me, that is even tougher to deal with.

I wanted to believe that everything was going to be ok. That need to believe was so overwhelming that, I was oblivious to the truths that were staring me right in the face. It seemed that the more I wanted him to be sober, the better he became at hiding his binges from me. Each deception took a little bit more of my self respect from me.

I am just sharing a bit of me with you. No two situations are alike. All I can say for certain, is that if I had the chance to go back and walk away from this relationship when I had the opportunity, I would. It has not been worth all I have endured, no matter how much I loved the part of him that made be hang on all these years. At this point in my life, the bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%. I'm not settling for anything less.

Good luck in your journey.

reader

I am happily married to an alcoholic for 16 years. I have boundaries and stick to them and i work on "me". You can't fix them but you can take care of yourself.

denny57

I had, have and will continue to have nothing but compassion for AH. What I have learned the past two years is I have the right, maybe duty, to have compassion for myself. Who was or is devoting themselves to my well being the way I was devoting myself to someone else's? Why did I think that was my purpose in life? I have choices, too. My choices will differ from someone else's; the important thing is, am I living the life that makes me happy? Not, "if this happens I will be happy," but am I happy now? Because now is all I have.

Lilyflower

Thanks Denny, that last posting of yours brought tears to my eyes! I hope that I am giving myself as much care and support as I can provide for my partner. I have a motto for myself that I want to share, it has always guided me and I have no idea where it comes from other than that my mother told it to me:

'I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time, now that I know better, I will do better'

Love to you all and thank you for such a warm welcomexxx

Pick-a-name

Welcome;glad you are here!

What I didn't count on was the progression of the disease....it always gets worse: the drinking AND the behaviors. No exceptions. The 80%/20% becomes 60%/40%...50%/50 then it starts being more like 60%bad behaviors/40%,etc...The time it takes,the "plateaus",etc are individual but it never gets better or even stays "the same" (without recovery work). We made it work for a long time (married 27yrs/2 kids). A couple years ago HE moved out and divorced me (and found another codie or two who would put up with what I would not); he's still drinking.

Hope you stick around. This place has helped me more than I can tell you!

minnie

Hi there Lily from a fellow Brit!!!

You don't have to leave, although many do. It was such a relief to me to hear the suggestion in Alanon that I don't make any major changes in the first year of recovery. The rebel that I am only lasted 3 months, however knowing that I could silence that nagging voice inside me for a little while helped me get the space I needed to achieve some perspective. That voice was telling me to get out because there was another life I was supposed to be living, but there was another one saying that I wasn't ready to grab it. Those 3 months were the most intense of my life. I was glued to SR, has intensive counselling, I went to Alanon meetings, I read all the recovery books I could lay my hands on, I sought information on alcoholism, codependency, psychology, etc etc until I started making sense of me and my situation. It was also the most stressful time of my relationship with R as he reacted poorly to my recovery efforts and was actively and covertly undermining me at every stroke.

Glad you found us, hon. You have a long road ahead of you, but I hope that for every pothole and detour you find double the serenity and joy.