keepingmyjoy

Hi everybody. I wish I could get in here more often. From the posts I have been able to read, I guess my situation is pretty minor, but after rolling this stuff around in my head, I am not getting anywhere, so I thought I would reach out to you all again. (I am not sure I will ever be able to get along without you all again!)

The AH has stopped drinking, no more sneaking. And now, our lives border on the bizarre. It is quiet and peaceful. No shouting, no obscenities...nothing. So I went along and thought, wow, ok, let me work on myself during this peaceful time. So went about still detaching with love and looking inward etc. (Not liking what I see by the way, but that is a whole other post!)

Here's where I get lost: AH is going around being Mr. Helpful, which I appreciate in some ways and in other ways, I just want to scream--"would you just get out of my way!". He is doing projects around the house that really need to be done, finally. And I am also grateful for that too. He is being pleasant and kind, tries to be affectionate (the gentle kind, like rub my arm, pat my head kind of thing). But in all the things he does around the house, they are all things that he feels like doing...none are any of the things I have said I need help with ever! Ok, so I tried to look at it like, ok, he's not helping the way I want him to help...maybe I'm trying to control his actions and I should just let that go and let him help in his way... So, I let that go for the most part, still working on it.

But in everyway else...we are roommates. When we interact, it is pleasant, but when we have to interact, when we leave to bring him to work (yep, still driving him-haven't figured that one out yet), driving him home, dinnertime etc. But we don't talk about anything! Remember "Seinfeld...the show about nothing" or something like that? We are like aquaintances that ran into each other at a coffee shop! When he gets home, he goes downstairs to the family room and watches TV, after dinner he goes downstairs and watches TV, on the weekends, when he is not doing something he wants to do, he goes downstairs or in the bedroom to watch TV--he is never where little guy and I are. I still carry the full load of working full time (with little guy in tow!), running side business, cooking etc. (Oh yeah, he did clean part of the house last weekend...hasn't done that in years). But you see what I mean. He still has a pretty cushy life. I solely take care of little guy 24/7 with exception of few days here and there that my niece babysits him for me. I am really bothered that he makes very little attempt to interact with little guy (he used to try at least when he was drinking, but at sober moments), and then wonders why little guy just wants Mommy????

So what is going on here. On the surface, he seems to be trying. But that's was it seems--on the surface. Does that make sense???

My totally cynical side says he is doing whatever it takes to keep what he's got, cause he knows I will go, I have made that clear.

But what the heck am I supposed to do with someone who won't talk about anything serious, issues nothing? And I am not referring to A. issues either, just "life" stuff. I feel like I am living with a ticking time bomb! This calm, nice guy is not the guy I know. This guy is ok, peaceful and all, but I am waiting for the bomb!

What the heck kind of phase is this? Anybody dealt with this one before? My codie self wants to feel all guilty for feeling unappreciative of his efforts...but my insides are screaming "Stepford....YOU ARE IN STEPFORD"!!!!

All this leaves me feeling totally depressed. I have never been so unmotivated in my life. Do you know, I bought CoDependent No More to read...and I am terrified to crack it open! I have never been like that ever.

What do you guys think? I feel like I am floundering around in the dark!

hbb

Hi there...that's tough, how long has your AH been in recovery? Does he go to meetings?

I know from my personal experience once my A stopped drinking he was different too. He wasn't talkative or as outgoing, watched tv, went to bed early. My X has been white knuckling it for a while which is too bad and he is in AA. I'm not sure this was very helpful to you but i can relate to weird changes/moods. We really didn't have much to talk about when he had stopped, he never inquired as to my day or what i was upto or doing tomorrow, but this is just probably who my X is. It was just kind of going through the motions for us.

You should read Co-dependant No More, great book!

QU31

I'm sure that after all those years of living with a practicing alcoholic this is totally foreign to you! Quiet and peace? How wonderful! When my A got sober I had to come to an acceptance that things wouldn't feel normal for awhile. It's just simply not possible. And we certainly didn't have peace and quiet, that would have been nice.

What a great time to start working on yourself. Al Anon might help you understand your role and sort out your feelings. When I stopped focussing on my A, I experienced withdrawal symptoms....total anxiety, sickness, how I imagine someone would feel trying to quit a drug (which, in essense, I was...my addiction was to unhealthy people). You might be experiencing that.

And I mean this in the most loving way possible (and I have TOTALLY been here myself), but you sound a little bit like a ticking time bomb!

keepingmyjoy

LOL....thanks for gently pointing out me as a ticking time bomb!
I probably am to an extent. I guess I just wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. He is white knuckling it...no AA ("they are a bunch of *******"), and no counseling etc (he won't go).

I guess I am struggling with the unreality of it all...how he does not seem real. Like Stepford!

hbb

Oh i remember the "I don't need to go to AA" comments too! I wish you well with everything and hope there are no bombs going off anytime soon

CBrown

Wow! My inclination is to say take it one day at a time, be patient, work on yourself, and see where it all leads. I wish I were in your shoes with my XABF sober and trying instead of how it all turned out. For those of us who didn't have another chance, I say be patient.

keepingmyjoy

You know what seems so funny to me? It is like he has disconnected from us. Mentally and emotionally anyway. Here I am trying to detach lovingly, and he has done it for me...I guess I did not expect that.

kelsh

I can almost picture him walking around the room like he is walking on egg shells. I wonder if he might be trying to make amends for all he has done. I am just guessing. It sure is much more pleasant than a drunk tyraid. :day6

I am the alcoholic in my house plus have chronic depression which I take meds for. I feel better than I have in many years and still am surprising my husband with my doing household chores, laundry, dishes etc. without a complaint or that I need help.
I love it!

This is very new to me too. I always made it to work and my last job I had been sober for three years when I started it. I could fake it until I made it but when I got home that was chair sitting time with my depression.

Being sober to me is a blessing and I find out something new about myself every day. I read the posts and some take me back to where I came from but most give me a boost and positive reminders of how good it is to be sober.

harleygirl92156

Would it be possible to take the little guy down to the basement or bedroom or where ever he is watching tv, hand little guy to him, say "I am fixing dinner, you will need to watch him for a bit." and leave. If little guy cries for mom, let him deal with him and if he brings him back to you, tell him you are busy and he will just have to entertain him.

Some guys just don't have the maternal instinct we women do and they don't know how to interact with little ones, help him out, push the issue a little bit, give him some pointers, but let him handle it.

Also, as far as him doing things, have you ask for specific help. (Honey, the faucet in the kitchen is dripping could you see if you could get it to stop, I am just no good with that kind of thing). I have learned in my 50 some years you have to be specific with men.

I understand the waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of thing, especially with someone "white knuckling it" but after time it does go away.

ASK for the help you need/want........he can't read your mind hon.

Buffalo66

There were times when my Aex would come over and try to make a go of it with me and our son. He would sit at the computer playing chess for hours, eat the same foods everyday. he would look for things to helpout with around the house, but yes...never did what was on the list. It was like a blind spot or something. Everything he did, right or wrong grated on my nerves.

He also would express this really tender affection. I always felt like he was about to blow...I realize now, that it was me that was going to and eventually DID blow everytime. I just could not fathom that he was being real. I was waiting for the minute that he gave his excuse to leave, the lie to surface, the smell to come off of his body.
I jumped his gun, pre empted his strike. The sad part for me now, after learning about the fortress that I have built, is that I may never know if he was ever going to blow at all. I just couldnt HACK the stress of WAITING to be betrayed and abandoned again.

It is so weird to have quiet, calm times with someone who has brought you sooooo much grief and drama. I dont have any answers...just my perspective. Good luck.B66