If I have learned anything in recovery I have learned "earth" people have very good intentions, but they can't always help me.

They have not walked in my shoes, they do not know what I am dealing with and therefore do not always understand the depths of my scars and my pain.

I have also learned to say "that may work for you, but I'm not there right yet."
Then I usually change the subject or leave the room.

I try not to let others dictate when & how I should deal with my own emotional healing - that's between me & my HP.

Keep taking good care of you & seek help thru healthy recovery oriented methods that help you feel better about you.

Healing will come at the right time with the right tools.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Thanks, everyone.......I had a pretty rough day today. A friend that we both had in common (who no longer associates with my ex) called tonight and kept talking about crap that she knew that I didn't when we were together. I told her I was upset with her for keeping information from me, and need some time to be alone. It wasn't anything major, I just wish it was over and done with! The relationship is over and done with, but I wish everyone I know could stop bringing up stuff! The healing process is so long and I realize that, but I hate being looked at when I run into people, they look at me with those eyes, like they are thinking "that poor girl, he left her for another woman" little do they know about any of the abuse whatsoever. I'm just so frustrated..................

I'm wondering, I haven't attempted to go to ALANON since the breakup, am I still allowed to go even though I am not dating him anymore??

Of course you can go to AlAnon! Its for those who are/have been affected by someone's alcoholism. There is no requirement you currently be involved with them.

As for friends who want to tell you stuff, feel free to tell them to stop because you don't want to hear it. What good does it do you to hear more bad stuff now? None that I can think of. It will only bring more pain, something I'm sure you have enough of already.

Today I did something really big, I sold one of the engagement rings he had bought for me! It took me 8 months to work up the courage/nerve to do this, and I finally did it! I have one left, but one gone is huge progress! I even treated myself to some concert tickets, and a new outfit, with a small part of the money I made from the ring :) Slowly I am trying to be more independent and take my life back.........

Glad to hear it Sad! Good for you, healing takes time, i'm in the same boat as you, can't get past the break up and moving on in so hard. :You_Rock_

Sad, it doesn't happen overnight, and it is with baby steps. I'm right there with you. Sometimes I have breakthroughs, then huge setbacks. But it always seems like with more time, I forge onward and life is so much better!

I have also suffered from abuse, so I have an idea how traumatic it can be.
I dont want to sound preachy or anything but I think the biggest thing for me, and what enabled me to move on/heal/whatever you wanna call it, was learning to trust myself.
If you can trust yourself to make good choices, see/acknowledge red flags, and act on your instincts then you dont need to trust others so much. (eg. dating etc)
The best or biggest part is to trust that even if I miss a red flag, make a bad choice or somehow ignore an instinct - well, then I have to trust myself that I will be OK. That my personal strength will triumph and I will be ok!!
That way regardless of the actions of others, i can be secure in the knowledge that I wont let me down.
Having said that I have found that it helps to forgive yourself. Not sure if anyone can identify but when I allow these 'bad' things to happen to me, make bad relationship choices etc, there is quite a bit of anger directed at myself for letting it happen. The guilt only makes me feel worse about myself and makes me even more vulnerable, so I tell myself that no-one is perfect and I know better now.
As for seeing the bottle of your ex's drink at a party and panicking........I know what that's like! At a guess I think it's PTSD and therapy may be a help. What I would do was tell someone. A problem shared is a problem halved. Also, studying mental health, you may be aware that it is TOTALLY NORMAL to react that way to a trigger from a previous trauma. I think knowledge is power, if you know what you are doing - reacting - and why - trauma - then you have the tools to change it.
Wishing you loads of strength and serenity. TLD

Codependency books by Melody Beattie

Definitely get ahold of these books because they will give you so much insight as to why some of us are willing to settle for less rather than more in our relationships.

I'm a lot older than you are, Sad, and sometimes reflect on the cr*p I used to accept wishing I had known then what I know now. Get those books!!!

ARL