daisies

I have been married to my AH for 15 years. He has drank every day for those 15 years except for a total of 6 months of sobriety (not consecutive). My AH has not had a drink in over 2 months. This is only after I told him that I was DONE and I proceeded to put boundaries down. (something I should have done years ago). He sees a counselor (not one that specializes in substance abuse) and has attended about 4 AA meetings. The issue is that he is so full of anger. Does this go away? He says it is because I have been living a lie with him. I did tell him that the alcohol has caused huge problems for me in how I feel for him. The intimacy is gone and I really despise him. We had other issues in regards to him having a recurring STD and not taking care of it and exposing me to it for approximately 4 months until he got around to telling me they had recurred. I feel like he is throwing this entire "elephant" back at me, like it is my fault. I go to AlAnon and have seen a counselor. I am not sure that even if he does stay sober (and for how long) that this is salvageable. I dont really know him as a sober man. Is he really embracing sobriety yet or not? He says he thought everything was fine in our marriage until two months ago. This would be when I laid down my rules of the house.

Anyway, has anyone else experienced this anger and hostility from their AH?

QU31

In my experience, the anger is VERY typical. My boyfriend was first angry he couldn't drink, then he was angry at himself, then he was angry at the cat, then he was angry at me. He's still angry and he started this whole process almost two years ago. At least now he knows what he's angry at (his parents) and has medicine that curbs it. Other A's I know have been sober almost 10 years and are still have temper tantrums. I think it gets better, but I don't know if it ever goes away.

That's great you go to Al Anon. I would soak it in as much as possible and you will be amazed at how serene you can become despite the angry people in your life.

It sounds like he wants you to play a game. My advice is try as hard as possible not to play it.

acuera

Well, what you describe is really familiar. I kicked out my addicted boyfriend 6 months ago and wow is he MAD at me!!! He calls me "crazy" and refuses to see me, come get his stuff from the house, etc. When we were together I lived with his anger and hurts (the very things that gave him excuses to get high), his lies (the worse ones were to himself) and his fear of changing. As long as I stayed in the roller coaster of his being one day clean the next day high, he was all love and smiles. Anytime I drew the line and told him to get help he would get angry and things would get way out of control. Once I said I just would not be with him anymore unless he got clean, he walked away, looking hurt and sad, as if he was the victim. What I know now is that he is indeed the victim -- the victim of his own illness, his own fear, his own problems. And this hurts. It hurts to see a human being so lost, so hurt, so scared and so lonely. But it is hard because the more love you give them the more they will bite your hand while you are feeding them. I really dont know what to tell you, but I do know that what you are going through sounds like what I have been through. What I learned is that the only relationship I could have with my boyfriend was based around his addiction (not recovery, addiction) and this type of relationship only hurt us both. What to do with the love I have for him is a mystery to me. But I do know that the hurt is there with or without the relationship, for both of us. Your posting really hit home, because this morning I was thinking I would rather live with him and his addiction than without him. But to hear you have been living like this for 15 years really made me stop and think twice. I wonder if what you have experienced is just the way it is. I remember despising my boyfriend and being disgusted by him, just like you desribe. A lot of resentments. But then I would and I still do feel for him, and I can't turn my back on him. I always said that if I was this sick I would want my loved ones to still love me. I see now that this is the way it is. Love does not stop just because someone is not lovable. I guess the key is to find a way to love them without not loving ourselves. Maybe some addicts on this board can help us understand. What I do know is that my boyfriend did indeed love me, but his addiction made hm so sick he couldn't give his energy to love, only to the struggle with the drugs. I hope you will find a way to live with this, and I hope my words have helped you.

denny57

Have you discussed with your counselor why it's important for you to try and salvage a relationship with someone who knowingly exposed you to an STD?

daisies

I have discussed this with her and the end result of the session concentrated on divorce. That event in and of itself is similar to having an affair with whomever for 4 months. At least that is how I feel. I believe the alcoholics true selfishness had really shone through with that event.

Inahurry

My AP is very angry with me - quite a lot of the time! What is he angry about? He is angry because I am always blaming him, because I am controlling, because I say if I do not enjoy something he cooks, if my tea makes a gulping noise when I swallow it! In other words I find it pretty hard to do anything right, and feel I am walking on eggshells constantly. I am sure that a lot of this is projection, however I still struggle to maintain serenity, and am definitely getting to the point where I am thinking - no I don't need to live like this.

Tonight, it is my turn to be angry with him. He said he would be home early to look after the kids as I needed to go out. I rang him at around 5 pm, immediately knew he was drunk, so had to cancel my arrangement (embarassing as it was one I had rearranged before), and come home to look after our children. So inside I am hopping mad, but haven't really expressed it. He's asleep on the sofa now.

So, in answer to your question, I think it is fairly typical behaviour in my experience, but I can't really think of any good reason why we should be putting up with it!?!

hadenoughnow

Mine was ok at first with going to counseling and getting sober but that didn't last long. He decided that he really didn't have to quit completely (you can all guess how well that is working out). He did learn a few things from counseling, that he really does have a drinking problem, that eventually it will kill him and that I will leave him. So now he is angry because some of his denial was taken from him. The game is up and he is the one left wondering how he will live with himself.

BayouSelf

Oh how well I remember this anger stage. Fortunately, I was not living with my AH anymore. I had asked him to leave and find a place to live because I couldn't trust him anymore, but there were days when I would talk to him at 2:00 o'clock in the evening and he would be so nice and sweet and then I'd call him at 8:00 p.m. and he'd curse me out and tell him to leave him the F alone.....if you go back and read my posts from a year or more ago, you will see that I went through exactly the same things that you are experiencing now. There was a thread that I wrote about a "dry drunk" that was very enlightening to me. Just remember the anger that he is taking out on you has absolutely nothing to do with you. My ex husband and I never did get back together, but he is no longer hateful to me. He has actually made amends to me and is very friendly to me now, but after not drinking for over a year, he did return to drinking and is currently back in his old lifestyle and I'm just grateful, even though I still have a special place for him in my heart, I'm grateful that the living hell he put me through is over and I have finally moved on with my life and I have a wonderful, peaceful, fun life now. Alanon absolutely saved my life, but it didn't happen overnight, it took quite a long time, but I never gave up.