queenteree

Monday I left work early and saw the divorce attorney. $4000 retainer and $400 an hour - Said it could cost up to $10,000, especially if A is uncooperative. Later that night, I'm home and AH starts in w/me, he wanted to sleep in the bed w/me. I said no, to go upstairs (my boundary which has always been respected by him). Kept it up, I refused to allow it, kept leaving the room, AH kept following me, I called my son (at 11:30 p.m.) to keep me calm and talk me thru this, AH kept following me, listening, yelling, etc. Finally leaves me alone out on the patio, when then as I'm talking to my son, he's in the bathroom listening with the lights off!!!! Then I get the "that's it! It's over, I'm done" crap - well who gives a sh** - I already said I was done a**hole - didn't say it, just thought it. Then of course, I am pushed to the point where I can't take it one more minute and just cry and cry. I took off of work yesterday cause I was seriously doubting my HP and I was just going to pack my stuff, quit my job and leave for parts unknown, but thank God my therapist and priest made me realize how stupid that was. Instead saw 3 more attorneys, all told me same thing, went to Alanon meeting where on break several of us are stuck cause we don't have $4000 (if not more) to put down. AH was drunk at work yesterday and totally drunk when he came home, of course, starts with me again then tells me he's going to a meeting - of course, stupid me has to say "why bother" and he says "Don't you think I need to hear what they're saying" No a**hole I don't!!!! I went to another Alanon meeting and when I got home he was passed out on alcohol and ambien!!! He got up for work today, said have a nice day and left. Tonite I have to watch my grandkids, another horrible night when he's drunk. I can't watch them at their house for my own reasons, so we're all stuck. He's staying drunk and still doesn't lose his job or get DWI, meanwhile, I'm sick of dealing with all this sh**! I don't know how much longer I can put up with it, truthfully. I'm getting real depressed, nothing is working for me, no lawyer, can't leave, nothing!!

Barbara52

****{queenteree}}}

I will keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult this is for you. You will find a way to improve your life.

ARealLady

I am keeping you in my thoughts, Queen. Have you tried contacting any women's centers for advice and suggestions as to more affordable lawyers?

ARL

LaTeeDa

I don't know about where you are, but here you can ask for attorney fees as part of the settlement. So, you could put it on a credit card and ask for him to pay as part of the divorce. Also, you can do some things yourself if you want and hire an attorney to do pieces of it for you (like the settlement agreement). They don't tell you that up front because they want you to hire them. Does your state have a court advocate or family law self-help center? Maybe search online for some resources.

I got the same kind of answers when I talked to attorneys, but I found out I could do much of the paperwork myself and file it with the court and only pay someone to do the messy, complicated stuff. Just a thought.

L

denny57

Many attorneys will work with their clients on the fee. Will there be proceeds from the house sale?

queenteree

I actually work for attorneys (not that kind though) and am familiar w/litigation, so I could do the paperwork myself, but, I NEED a lawyer cause AH would give me the run around and try to screw me, it's not like it's going to be an easy uncontested divorce. The proceeds from the sale of the house are not going to be much at all, and I don't know all there is to know about how to transfer the 401K stuff. I have a friend that also likes AH and she does matrimonial, but I can't and won't ask her cause Kevin would keep calling and bothering her (she's very very busy) and probably wouldn't take her seriously and would make up lies and embarassing stories about me, and I just see no end in sight!!!!! Besides, she feels bad for AH and is very co-dependant.

LaTeeDa

First, take a deep breath. Now, think about what you can do yourself. You can file the petition, get the ball rolling and see what happens, right? One step at a time. There is no rule that says you must start with an attorney. You can hire one later if need be. And you can negotiate the fee and maybe even find one who will wait and take it out of the settlement (his half ). Maybe he will pass out for 30 days, or whatever the waiting period is, and it will be uncontested.

L

harleygirl92156

If you want (really want) a divorce, you will find a way. I am sorry, but when I read your post I saw a lot of opportunity for you to make it work if you really want to. Sadly, there were a lot of excuses as to why you couldn't get it done.

I don't mean to be hard, but please look within yourself and be sure this is what you really want. Do you really want a divorce or are you trying to scare your AH into doing what you want him to do? are you kidding yourself on the outside, knowing full well on the inside this is not what you really want? is fear keeping you from finding a way? Only you know the answer.

If you want it you will find a way $$$$$$ or no $$$$$.

hello-kitty

How to get the ball rolling without an attorney:

Go down to the court house and ask for divorce papers - at the same place you get a wedding license. It's that simple. Then fill them out with everything you want. You can probably find an example online. Then have him served. If he contests, that's when you need a lawyer. You probably know this already since you work for attorneys? If he's going to contest it will happen after he's served and not before. So you don't need an attorney until then.

A divorce costs about $300 dollars if you do it on your own. And it's not impossible. I did mine.

kelsh

In my state we have Do it yourself Divorces....you fill out the paperwork, file it in court, then do a parenting plan, take part in a parenting class, and then have a lawyer for the custody if there is a problem plus the division of property. Both parties have to make a list of what they want or that is theirs from the marriage.

But if he is going to contest everything that is a different story. I cannot believe divorces are that much now. Guess low or medium income people can't get a divorce. He doesn't sound like he would pay off a credit card charge for the divorce.

It is incredible what my EX got away with and he had been arrested for sexually abusing our daughter. He hadn't gone to jail yet due to the fact the part of the jail used for sexual offenders on work release was full. He only got 45 days work release and three years of group therapy for sexual offenders. He did four and a half years because his group members felt he thought he didn't do anything wrong.

Unbelievable on my part.....I moved across state before my divorce was final...this was in 1984 and I just had to put down $500 and pay $1,200 when the divorce was final. I had to sell the house so used that money to pay the lawyer in full.

Times change....inflation rises............jobs that pay enough disapear.

kelsh

mallowcup

I live in NY state and did my own divorce. The whole thing was under $100.
You go to your nearest county building and ask for the divorce packet. It's free. They can not do it for you but they will help you. It comes with instructions and you do all the filing and leg work. You pay a filing fee and wait to hear about a court date. You have to have him served but a friend can do that.
In the petition, you state the division of property and money. As long as everyone is agreeable, and you put it in writing, it's just a matter of getting it before a judge.
You can obtain the packet from Staples too for a fee. I had no problems and saved tons of money. The instructions that come with the packet are pretty clear.
I tell syou how many copies you need of this or that and who gets one.
Your spouse may squawk at first because it must be uncontested, once he or she finds out that if they want to give you ahard time, it will be contested and both parties wil have to pay big bucks for lawyers. If he truely knows it's over, he'll sign.

queenteree

He's not going to be that easy, trust me, I know him. I just talked with the partner at my job. I wanted to let her know that I may not be myself and I may also need some time off if I go to lawyers and such. I have been here 8 years, and she knows the deal and my AH. She asked if I had life insurance on him. I told her yes. She suggested that we only get legally separated, not divorced. She said why should I give up widows SS, sell all the assets, etc., if divorced I will be off life insurance, when clearly he is going downhill very fast health wise (he is, alcoholic liver disease, chronic liver failure and BAL of 400 in May). Just said it's something to think about. I've invested alot of years w/him and if I continue to go to Alanon and just maintain some distance, such as move out, but get legally separated, it would be better.

Barbara52

Legal separation is a good option. It protects you financially and gives you the distance (after you move out) that is so good for your overall well being.

denny57

Bottom line, QT - if it works and you're happy living with whatever you choose - then that is what's right for you.

By the way, I'm entitled to the SS benefit based on AH's earnings. AH has been ordered to maintain a life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary. I have the right to check on it and make sure the premiums are being paid and I am still listed. All I'm saying is there are solutions to everything. So if you don't want to get divorced, don't and if you do, do! It's your life and all I wish for you is serenity and joy.

((()))

queenteree

Thanks for all your replies. Some of you may think I don't want this divorce. And you are right. I don't want this divorce, never wanted a divorce. But what I want and what is needed are two different things. I want a sober husband. Do I have that? No. Will I EVER have that? No. I don't want a divorce, but something's got to give. I keep thinking of the 3 A's - 1) I am AWARE my AH will never stop drinking, 2) I have ACCEPTED that my AH will never stop drinking and 3) I am taking ACTION such as separation/divorce based on it all. I see him drinking so feverently and non-stop for a whole month after only 3 mos. sobriety as a DEFINITE SIGN from my HP that he WILL NEVER STOP DRINKING and to get out somehow while the gettin's good. It's not what I wanted to hear, not what I wanted to accept, I had hopes after rehab, but IT IS WHAT IT IS. I know now that I can never trust him or his word again, and after all he has put me through, I just can't bear the thought of ever even thinking about giving him another shot again and hope that I wouldn't be stupid enough to. It is OVER between us, I have accepted that and am actually not even upset (it's a long time coming), but I am not going to walk away penniless and cut off my nose to spite my face. I have to look out for me and my future, that's why separation may be an option. And you all should remember, different states have different laws. So what one person gets, another might not.

Jwife22

Amen sista......alot of times, with income, property etc. involved, its not a good idea to do it yourself....

Pick-a-name

This was going to be my suggestion; talk to an attorney or two who you work with and are comfortable discussing this with and ask them for their suggestion as to who to speak to,or options,etc. My youngest brother found me my lawyer after I was served. All lawyers have a working knowledge about divorce,death taxes,etc. even if that is not their field of practice.

Glad you were able to get some good food for thought.

Mr. Christian

Look into using a paralegal. I had an attorney that acted as one and gave advice.
I did the paperwork myself.

TexasGirl

Hey there,
I think a legal separation would be a great place to start or maybe what someone said about at least filing the petition yourself to really see what he would do. He might surprise you and not contest it. I went and asked for the paperwork at our county clerk's office, and they told me that their mentality was that if I thought I was smart enough to do my own divorce, that I was smart enough to go find the paperwork in their library myself and that to give me the papers would be them illegally practicing as an attorney. Talk about bubble buster! So I decided no mess...hire it done.
Also, I know that other parts of the country are more expensive, but I shopped til I found the CHEAPEST attorney I could. It sounds so tacky, but I actually called the 1-800-DIVORCE number off a billboard and found a guy who would do it for $700 + court costs of $213. I had to pay him $300 to get started. Again, Texas is cheaper, but maybe you could look some more.
Best.

Wascally Wabbit

As much as my ex and I went through with his addiction problems, we did manage to work out divorce ourselves and it only cost a total of 750.00 for me. We worked out everything ourselves from money divisons, personal property, you name it.
Then we got our own lawyer to represent us in front of a judge. That was it.

I realize this can't happen in many situations, but if you can do it, it sure saves you from having nothing when it's over.