a little confused....imagine that!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
a little confused....imagine that!
hi all....i need some input, here.
as a refresher, i made an apt. from an adjoining room and my mother moved in with me several months ago. she is only 71, has parkinsons, and takes a lot of meds for depression, anxiety, and pain. she looks great.....like she is in her late 50's....which she loves, by the way....lol....me too.....maybe i'll still look that good when i'm 70, huh?
anyway, she has had three car accidents in the past month....nothing serious....just backing into people, hitting stop signs, and hitting people in the rear on the square.
i've told her that anytime she needs to go to town, to let me know, and i will be glad to take her, but she insists on driving.
last night, she slipped out and went to the casino for 9 hours. it was 10pm when my sis called me, just frantic trying to get ahold of her. i had been down sick and in bed all day, so i never knew when she left.
i was terrified of her driving at night....she has night blindness. so i went looking for her....found her car in the casino parking lot with all the crumpled fenders, went in and found her, sat down next to her on the phone with sis talking all the time, and my mama never knew i was there. after about three minutes, i nudged her leg and she looked over at me.
my dilemma is this.....my mind is still kinda muddy about falling into the caretaking role and taking over, or leaving her alone and realizing she can make her own choices.
my sis is very upset with me because i won't take her car keys. i told her to do it herself if she thought it needed to be done.
i just don't know.....when do i jump in????? she is still very sharp....just has become a very bad driver here lately and i'm truly worried for the pedestrians on the roads.
my first knee jerk reaction is to take over her meds, her money.....because she is blowing it at the casino and then has no money for necessaties, take her car keys, put her in a pumpkin shell and there i would keep her very well.
so now, i feel like instead of chasing around my xah, i'm chasing around my mama.
i feel the very, very same things about taking over with her that i felt with xh.
i want to be very careful here with this.
on one hand, i think she is 71 and she can make any choices she wants. she is not mentally impaired......just the normal things like not following the gist of a conversation at times, not remembering things, etc. but we all do that at times.
mostly, i leave her alone about what she does, which infuriates my sis. (sis is an a, also, and is prone to late night calls ranting and rambling about how i need to be taking care of mama)
sorry this is so long.....but i was really surprised at the familiarity of how i want to deal with my mother, and how i dealt with the a in my life. i don't want to go there.
but i also want to have a clear idea of when to actually step in and begin to make suggestions about her care to her.
any help, friends?
as a refresher, i made an apt. from an adjoining room and my mother moved in with me several months ago. she is only 71, has parkinsons, and takes a lot of meds for depression, anxiety, and pain. she looks great.....like she is in her late 50's....which she loves, by the way....lol....me too.....maybe i'll still look that good when i'm 70, huh?
anyway, she has had three car accidents in the past month....nothing serious....just backing into people, hitting stop signs, and hitting people in the rear on the square.
i've told her that anytime she needs to go to town, to let me know, and i will be glad to take her, but she insists on driving.
last night, she slipped out and went to the casino for 9 hours. it was 10pm when my sis called me, just frantic trying to get ahold of her. i had been down sick and in bed all day, so i never knew when she left.
i was terrified of her driving at night....she has night blindness. so i went looking for her....found her car in the casino parking lot with all the crumpled fenders, went in and found her, sat down next to her on the phone with sis talking all the time, and my mama never knew i was there. after about three minutes, i nudged her leg and she looked over at me.
my dilemma is this.....my mind is still kinda muddy about falling into the caretaking role and taking over, or leaving her alone and realizing she can make her own choices.
my sis is very upset with me because i won't take her car keys. i told her to do it herself if she thought it needed to be done.
i just don't know.....when do i jump in????? she is still very sharp....just has become a very bad driver here lately and i'm truly worried for the pedestrians on the roads.
my first knee jerk reaction is to take over her meds, her money.....because she is blowing it at the casino and then has no money for necessaties, take her car keys, put her in a pumpkin shell and there i would keep her very well.
so now, i feel like instead of chasing around my xah, i'm chasing around my mama.
i feel the very, very same things about taking over with her that i felt with xh.
i want to be very careful here with this.
on one hand, i think she is 71 and she can make any choices she wants. she is not mentally impaired......just the normal things like not following the gist of a conversation at times, not remembering things, etc. but we all do that at times.
mostly, i leave her alone about what she does, which infuriates my sis. (sis is an a, also, and is prone to late night calls ranting and rambling about how i need to be taking care of mama)
sorry this is so long.....but i was really surprised at the familiarity of how i want to deal with my mother, and how i dealt with the a in my life. i don't want to go there.
but i also want to have a clear idea of when to actually step in and begin to make suggestions about her care to her.
any help, friends?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
All I Can say is ((((Embraced))))
I have no idea what to suggest to you. I have no experience in these matters.
My opinion is yeah, I agree with you as far as the co-dependant issues. And, her behavior combined with the meds use gives me concern. Depression, anxiety and pain = an AD, Valium (or a derivative) and an opiate of some sort ? (The old using me would have considered that a nice cocktail ! ) And, you said he "snuck out". Is there possibly a gambling problem too ? I could see some addictive behaivor or an -ism of some sort there.
Of course, my perception could be way off base. It has been before once or twice
I have no idea what to suggest to you. I have no experience in these matters.
My opinion is yeah, I agree with you as far as the co-dependant issues. And, her behavior combined with the meds use gives me concern. Depression, anxiety and pain = an AD, Valium (or a derivative) and an opiate of some sort ? (The old using me would have considered that a nice cocktail ! ) And, you said he "snuck out". Is there possibly a gambling problem too ? I could see some addictive behaivor or an -ism of some sort there.
Of course, my perception could be way off base. It has been before once or twice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Although I can see how you question how codepency fits into this, I can tell you that there reached a point with both of my parents that my brothers and I took away their keys simply because they couldn't drive safely any more. Its a matter of their safety and that of the others on the street.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Ebraced, I can only offer some sympathy right now. My buddy and his wife just had to take in his mother due to her breaking both legs last week. Its gonna be 3 months minimum. She's diabetic, widowed, tons of meds and insulin reactions. On top of that they have 5 children in the house. I can see the strain on his wife's face.
All I could manage to say to her is that I'd want to know my children would be there to take care of me in my old age. Wish I had more good things to say to you too!
All I could manage to say to her is that I'd want to know my children would be there to take care of me in my old age. Wish I had more good things to say to you too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Oh Jeri...I was about to post something along these lines after going out to dinner with my folks last night to celebrate, well, me being another year on this planet.
After the physical problems my father was going through, I cut the night short and followed them back to their place to make sure they arrived safely.
I talked myself out of barging in on his doctor's apt. today with his cardiologist. But damn, I almost went. I wanted the doctor to know everything my dad was going through since my dad seems to be getting worse! For now, I stopped myself, I don't know about the next time though.
I'm trying not to fall into my old bad habits either. But you're right..when is caretaking ok? I know when it's not ok with respect to my ex...but, what about older parents?
My folks are a little older than your Mom...my Mom is 83, with alzheimers, and I see her progressively go down hill a little more each week.
The stress and strain of caregiving for her has literally worn my 84 year old dad down to nothing but skin and bones. He's about 125 lbs. now...he weighs less than I do.
I literally don't know what to do either. I stepped back for awhile because I didn't want to jump in and rescue. I wanted to preserve their dignity as much as possible.
Additionally, my Dad, being angry and stubborn is now turning into a lost and overwhelmed child. I pretty much learned to accept that in his case, he's won't take much help from anyone until he is bed-ridden and unable to move or make choices for himself. Life could be much easier for him, but, that's not what he chooses.
It drives me crazy, so I have to limit my time spent with them. And that too is hard because I know there's much more I can do to help.
For now the best I can do is sit and wait...for the day my Dad asks for more help, or, when he will have no choice in the matter, SIGH!
I'm in the same boat with you Jeri. I also don't know the answers. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your dilemma.
I hope someone comes along here and can enlighten both of us. In the meantime, I feel for you!
After the physical problems my father was going through, I cut the night short and followed them back to their place to make sure they arrived safely.
I talked myself out of barging in on his doctor's apt. today with his cardiologist. But damn, I almost went. I wanted the doctor to know everything my dad was going through since my dad seems to be getting worse! For now, I stopped myself, I don't know about the next time though.
I'm trying not to fall into my old bad habits either. But you're right..when is caretaking ok? I know when it's not ok with respect to my ex...but, what about older parents?
My folks are a little older than your Mom...my Mom is 83, with alzheimers, and I see her progressively go down hill a little more each week.
The stress and strain of caregiving for her has literally worn my 84 year old dad down to nothing but skin and bones. He's about 125 lbs. now...he weighs less than I do.
I literally don't know what to do either. I stepped back for awhile because I didn't want to jump in and rescue. I wanted to preserve their dignity as much as possible.
Additionally, my Dad, being angry and stubborn is now turning into a lost and overwhelmed child. I pretty much learned to accept that in his case, he's won't take much help from anyone until he is bed-ridden and unable to move or make choices for himself. Life could be much easier for him, but, that's not what he chooses.
It drives me crazy, so I have to limit my time spent with them. And that too is hard because I know there's much more I can do to help.
For now the best I can do is sit and wait...for the day my Dad asks for more help, or, when he will have no choice in the matter, SIGH!
I'm in the same boat with you Jeri. I also don't know the answers. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your dilemma.
I hope someone comes along here and can enlighten both of us. In the meantime, I feel for you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
About 8 years ago, my family went thru all these issues. My folks were falling apart physically and, in the case of my mother, mentally. They wanted to continue living in the house my father and his brother built 40+ years ago, didn't want to admit to the diminishing of their capabilities and thought living eslewhere meant being dumped in a dreary nursing home. My brothers and I found them several assisted living facilities, showed them how much more carefree life could be while maintaining their independence as much as possible.
Sure, its hard to step in and tell your parents that the time has come to get help in some form or another. But for my brothers and I we decided we had to show them their options and make them quit driving. Personally, I would have had a hard time dealing with the guilt if one of my parents had caused someone's death in a car accident. Yeah, it was hard to do but it was worth it. They didn't know what kinds of living arrangements were available to them. Showing them their options led them to be able to enjoy life without all the trouble associated with trying to maintain a house that was too much for them. I know my father's last couple of years were better in many ways for our having helped him reach a decision to move. It also made him willing to stop fighting to live when it was beyond hope because he knew that not only was Mom going to be watched over by her children but that she was living in a place where she always got the care she needed.
Sure, its hard to step in and tell your parents that the time has come to get help in some form or another. But for my brothers and I we decided we had to show them their options and make them quit driving. Personally, I would have had a hard time dealing with the guilt if one of my parents had caused someone's death in a car accident. Yeah, it was hard to do but it was worth it. They didn't know what kinds of living arrangements were available to them. Showing them their options led them to be able to enjoy life without all the trouble associated with trying to maintain a house that was too much for them. I know my father's last couple of years were better in many ways for our having helped him reach a decision to move. It also made him willing to stop fighting to live when it was beyond hope because he knew that not only was Mom going to be watched over by her children but that she was living in a place where she always got the care she needed.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
