I am feeling so sad and angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
I am feeling so sad and angry
My heart is so broken tonight. My spouse had his son visiting this weekend and was on his best behaviour this weekend. On Friday night, he tried to start a fight with me and right in front of his son, l asked him to be nice for the sake of his son because it was meant to be a nice visit and there was no need for starting fights because he was drinking.
He kept talking about his first ex wife, His son's mother (which l did not really start listening to until this morning)
As his son was getting ready to leave this morning , my spouse started off with a bottle of beer and made some phone calls. l did not really think much of it since we were having company for our Thanksgiving Dinner.
l am coming down with a cold that has been going around town and feeling chills and sore throat did not say much except that l wanted some help around the house as l did not feel up to entertaining on my own.
My spouse saw his son off and then said he was going to see what time the company was coming for dinner around 12 pm.
Until now, 8:30pm my time, l still have not seen him, nor heard from him. Funny enough, as l was preparing for the company , around 6:30 pm, they did not show up either and l started getting a funny feeling that they were not coming either as though he cancelled the plans to go off and do something else without telling me.
Meaning "Go get DRUNK"
I am so anxious and so hurt right now and l am taking my anti depressants and anti anxiety just now waiting for him to come home as l am going to ask him to leave for a few days or a week and go to his friends or mother's house because l cannot take this kind of living with him anymore. l am not even bothering to call around to look for him or ask anyone if they have seen him because at this point l don't care. For him to do this to me almost every weekend shows his lack of respect for me and l am sick and tired of it.
This just makes me feel so sick to my stomach and it is though he is running away from me and this was our first Holiday together and today l spent it alone covered up in sweaters and blankets watching a DVD alone.
Chelle
He kept talking about his first ex wife, His son's mother (which l did not really start listening to until this morning)
As his son was getting ready to leave this morning , my spouse started off with a bottle of beer and made some phone calls. l did not really think much of it since we were having company for our Thanksgiving Dinner.
l am coming down with a cold that has been going around town and feeling chills and sore throat did not say much except that l wanted some help around the house as l did not feel up to entertaining on my own.
My spouse saw his son off and then said he was going to see what time the company was coming for dinner around 12 pm.
Until now, 8:30pm my time, l still have not seen him, nor heard from him. Funny enough, as l was preparing for the company , around 6:30 pm, they did not show up either and l started getting a funny feeling that they were not coming either as though he cancelled the plans to go off and do something else without telling me.
Meaning "Go get DRUNK"
I am so anxious and so hurt right now and l am taking my anti depressants and anti anxiety just now waiting for him to come home as l am going to ask him to leave for a few days or a week and go to his friends or mother's house because l cannot take this kind of living with him anymore. l am not even bothering to call around to look for him or ask anyone if they have seen him because at this point l don't care. For him to do this to me almost every weekend shows his lack of respect for me and l am sick and tired of it.
This just makes me feel so sick to my stomach and it is though he is running away from me and this was our first Holiday together and today l spent it alone covered up in sweaters and blankets watching a DVD alone.
Chelle
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I agree that your husband's behavior is totally unacceptable, but if he's an alcoholic his behavior is not likely to change now or in the near future. So what are you prepared to do about it? Alanon, learning all I could about alcoholism and co-dependency, and posting on SR helped me tremendously.
If you haven't read the stickies on the top of the forum, now might be a good time to check them out. Another good resource is Melody Beatty's book, "Codependent No More." A lot of us here found it helpful.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
If you haven't read the stickies on the top of the forum, now might be a good time to check them out. Another good resource is Melody Beatty's book, "Codependent No More." A lot of us here found it helpful.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
First off I hope you feel better soon. Do take care of yourself.
But, this has me confused:
This is his best behavior?
I think it may be time for you to take a serious look at what you want and need from your life.
But, this has me confused:
Originally Posted by chelle63 
My spouse had his son visiting this weekend and was on his best behaviour this weekend.
On Friday night, he tried to start a fight with me and right in front of his son.
.
.
.
Until now, 8:30pm my time, l still have not seen him, nor heard from him.
On Friday night, he tried to start a fight with me and right in front of his son.
.
.
.
Until now, 8:30pm my time, l still have not seen him, nor heard from him.
I think it may be time for you to take a serious look at what you want and need from your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Chelle-
I am so sorry for how let down you must feel. Former D. has it right- your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable and hurtful.
A book I purchased that I found helpful was called 'How Al-Anon Works' - it has alot of stories in the back but there is a section in the front that goes into detail talking about changing attitudes, forgiveness, personal boundaries, taking care of ourselves.
I hope you are able to take some time for yourself and do something nice for you .
I am so sorry for how let down you must feel. Former D. has it right- your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable and hurtful.
A book I purchased that I found helpful was called 'How Al-Anon Works' - it has alot of stories in the back but there is a section in the front that goes into detail talking about changing attitudes, forgiveness, personal boundaries, taking care of ourselves.
I hope you are able to take some time for yourself and do something nice for you .
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Chelle)),
hate you had such a drama filled holiday - hope your cold is better.
Like others have recommended - those books (How Al-Anon Works is my fav) are great to help us know how to better care for ourselves and to understand some of the craziness that is surrounding us when someone we care for is a problem drinker.
Please keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
hate you had such a drama filled holiday - hope your cold is better.
Like others have recommended - those books (How Al-Anon Works is my fav) are great to help us know how to better care for ourselves and to understand some of the craziness that is surrounding us when someone we care for is a problem drinker.
Please keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Sorry, feeling sick, l was not thinking on how l replied when l said that my spouse was on his best behaviour up until the time he got drunk then he started arguing.
l will now fill you in on what happened after 8:30 pm. (His son left the next morning)
l have the worst cold and of course when things go badly in your life, it just so happens you have to have a cold or the flu to make things even worse.
At about 10 pm. l was feeling horrible so l went to lay down in bed and took some Tylenol for the fever and headache and l knew l was not able to sleep as l had this horrible sinking feeling that things were about to get even worse that night. Just my gut was so twisted knowing that it was completely over between us. Anyways, l layed down and rested and dosed off and l heard something about 12 am hit the door hard and got up. The front porch light was off and l got up to see him trying to open the door and there was some man with him that l did not know. l held the lock shut and he was mumbling something to this man.
He was so drunk that he and this man were both standing against one another for support and he was dropping keys on the ground and there was no way l was letting him and this man into the house.
l just stood there holding the lock so it was not going to turn and after about ten min. he gave up and they went away. Shortly after 12:30 am. he came again alone this time and tried the door again and kept yelling and kicking the door while trying to unlock it. l kept my hand against the door and l could hear the neighbors beside me get up and come to the window to look out. He was yelling and kicking for me to open up.
l kept standing there and then finally l opened the door and told him it was over and we were finished and for someone who claimed to love me took off to stay out until this hour and come home in this condition, there was nothing left to say except it was over for good.
He looked at me and said he knew l did not love him and he wanted to just sleep here for the night and l looked at him and it was the worst l had ever seen him drunk. The front of his pants (where his penis) was was all wet,(he threw his pants and underpants in the garbage which l retrieved and put back into his bag of clothes) and he could not stand and his eyes were totally red.(which l suspect he was doing or smoking drugs)
l asked if he peed himself in disgust and he said no and l asked where he had been and he did not want to tell me and l asked him again and again. l told him if he did not tell me he was about to be kicked out because l was calling the Police and he then told me that he had spent the day and evening with a young man he had met that just moved here down the street. He said he had his name and number from a card he had gotten from his work.
l told him to get away from me and to stay away from me and at 8 am he was to be up and get his clothes and be out. He agreed with me and l told him that this was not finished by a long shot. l told him that l would be talking with his mother about this and he begged me not to be talking to his family and l told him that now l have to go to the Dr.s and get tested for STDs and he asked me if l hated him and l told him that did not begin to describe how l felt at that moment.
He was sleeping on the couch and begged me to sleep here in the bedroom with me and l said NO and after about half an hour, he ran to the bathroom and started vomiting and crying out to me to help him and l ignored him.
The next morning at 7 am l was up and got him up. l told him to get dressed and get his things together which he did, he again begged me to stay here and not kick him out because he needed to find a place to stay and did not know how to tell his family and l told him that was his problem not mine as my problems with him were over.
He sat down and tried to pretend we were on good terms and put on the water to make coffee and l went over, shut off the water and told him to get out. l asked for the keys back and as l did, he went outside to get the key on the ground and while he bent over, l spotted another key in the door, so l said, "Well, l can take care of this key for you too."
So l told him not to come back that day and later on my friend came over to spend the night and we went to talk to the bartender at the local bar where he hangs out to verify that he indeed was there with this young man and that he spend most of the night there drinking, which is only steps from my house. He could not have even been bothered coming home that night at all when he knew l was here waiting for him.
Bad news for him, is today his boss and friend of ours called and asked where he was and his boss knows he drinks and said he heard he was seen drinking this weekend and when l told him what happened, well to put it nicely, he is going to be looking for a new job when and if he calls his boss anytime soon. His boss just thought how sad that he had such a good thing going here with me and he threw it all away for booze and stupid actions.
Anyways, l got two garbage bags full of his clothes and set them outside and today he came and banged at the door for about ten min. and l was sleeping in bed so l just let him knock.
l don't miss him at all. l feel relieved, l feel anger and l am happy to have my house back to myself again that l can do what l want when l want and not have to play house and be mommy to anyone. He had told me if he can't have me no man can and l told him if he made threats like that again, he is going to be seeing alot of the judge in town because l am not going to be taking any ******** threats off of him or anyone.
That is it for now, l will let you know what else happens, Chelle
l will now fill you in on what happened after 8:30 pm. (His son left the next morning)
l have the worst cold and of course when things go badly in your life, it just so happens you have to have a cold or the flu to make things even worse.
At about 10 pm. l was feeling horrible so l went to lay down in bed and took some Tylenol for the fever and headache and l knew l was not able to sleep as l had this horrible sinking feeling that things were about to get even worse that night. Just my gut was so twisted knowing that it was completely over between us. Anyways, l layed down and rested and dosed off and l heard something about 12 am hit the door hard and got up. The front porch light was off and l got up to see him trying to open the door and there was some man with him that l did not know. l held the lock shut and he was mumbling something to this man.
He was so drunk that he and this man were both standing against one another for support and he was dropping keys on the ground and there was no way l was letting him and this man into the house.
l just stood there holding the lock so it was not going to turn and after about ten min. he gave up and they went away. Shortly after 12:30 am. he came again alone this time and tried the door again and kept yelling and kicking the door while trying to unlock it. l kept my hand against the door and l could hear the neighbors beside me get up and come to the window to look out. He was yelling and kicking for me to open up.
l kept standing there and then finally l opened the door and told him it was over and we were finished and for someone who claimed to love me took off to stay out until this hour and come home in this condition, there was nothing left to say except it was over for good.
He looked at me and said he knew l did not love him and he wanted to just sleep here for the night and l looked at him and it was the worst l had ever seen him drunk. The front of his pants (where his penis) was was all wet,(he threw his pants and underpants in the garbage which l retrieved and put back into his bag of clothes) and he could not stand and his eyes were totally red.(which l suspect he was doing or smoking drugs)
l asked if he peed himself in disgust and he said no and l asked where he had been and he did not want to tell me and l asked him again and again. l told him if he did not tell me he was about to be kicked out because l was calling the Police and he then told me that he had spent the day and evening with a young man he had met that just moved here down the street. He said he had his name and number from a card he had gotten from his work.
l told him to get away from me and to stay away from me and at 8 am he was to be up and get his clothes and be out. He agreed with me and l told him that this was not finished by a long shot. l told him that l would be talking with his mother about this and he begged me not to be talking to his family and l told him that now l have to go to the Dr.s and get tested for STDs and he asked me if l hated him and l told him that did not begin to describe how l felt at that moment.
He was sleeping on the couch and begged me to sleep here in the bedroom with me and l said NO and after about half an hour, he ran to the bathroom and started vomiting and crying out to me to help him and l ignored him.
The next morning at 7 am l was up and got him up. l told him to get dressed and get his things together which he did, he again begged me to stay here and not kick him out because he needed to find a place to stay and did not know how to tell his family and l told him that was his problem not mine as my problems with him were over.
He sat down and tried to pretend we were on good terms and put on the water to make coffee and l went over, shut off the water and told him to get out. l asked for the keys back and as l did, he went outside to get the key on the ground and while he bent over, l spotted another key in the door, so l said, "Well, l can take care of this key for you too."
So l told him not to come back that day and later on my friend came over to spend the night and we went to talk to the bartender at the local bar where he hangs out to verify that he indeed was there with this young man and that he spend most of the night there drinking, which is only steps from my house. He could not have even been bothered coming home that night at all when he knew l was here waiting for him.
Bad news for him, is today his boss and friend of ours called and asked where he was and his boss knows he drinks and said he heard he was seen drinking this weekend and when l told him what happened, well to put it nicely, he is going to be looking for a new job when and if he calls his boss anytime soon. His boss just thought how sad that he had such a good thing going here with me and he threw it all away for booze and stupid actions.
Anyways, l got two garbage bags full of his clothes and set them outside and today he came and banged at the door for about ten min. and l was sleeping in bed so l just let him knock.
l don't miss him at all. l feel relieved, l feel anger and l am happy to have my house back to myself again that l can do what l want when l want and not have to play house and be mommy to anyone. He had told me if he can't have me no man can and l told him if he made threats like that again, he is going to be seeing alot of the judge in town because l am not going to be taking any ******** threats off of him or anyone.
That is it for now, l will let you know what else happens, Chelle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Yesterday afternoon, l was talking with my Therapist over what took place over the weekend and she was very concerned only because this man has nine other siblings that are all drinkers themselves and they are known for being violent when they drink, so her concern is that they will be coming after me.
She was suggesting to me to up and move immediately to which l answered that since there was no apartments or houses that l knew of that was being a bit unrealistic and she said, that she did not mean in this small town but rather in the next town where she is or the next town to the west of here. l told her again that was unrealistic because l just cannot up and move in a day or two.
She asked if l wanted to go a woman's shelter for a few weeks and l said no because l am not going to start running because of this man and his family. Everyone in town knows them and their reputation and when l first met this man, l certainly wished one person could have come forward and said something since at that time we had all talked and they could have at least warned me what l was getting into because then l would have probably chosen not to. l have lost these friend due to going out with this man since they all stopped talking to me since l started going out with this man.
l had no idea just how bad this man or his family was in drinking or fighting. l stayed home while he went to see his family every weekend (so he said it was his family) because l am not comfortable around alot of people drinking.
l m certainly not going to start running now or having someone change my life as l had my last marriage. l know all the ways to keep safe such as meeting in public places, not being alone with him and keeping times and dates of all conversations and when he shows up at the door. l keep my doors and windows locked at all times and l have a cell phone on me at all times. l have a friend who checks on me daily and has a key to come in if l dont answer the door in instances where l have been sleeping or in the shower. l am getting alot of hang up calls so l called the phone company and just got the caller ID put on the phone to now find out where the calls are coming from. That will begin on Monday.
Is there any other things that you can tell me that l might be forgetting?? l think l have got all areas covered for my safety, but just in case you might have some other ideas.
Chelle
She was suggesting to me to up and move immediately to which l answered that since there was no apartments or houses that l knew of that was being a bit unrealistic and she said, that she did not mean in this small town but rather in the next town where she is or the next town to the west of here. l told her again that was unrealistic because l just cannot up and move in a day or two.
She asked if l wanted to go a woman's shelter for a few weeks and l said no because l am not going to start running because of this man and his family. Everyone in town knows them and their reputation and when l first met this man, l certainly wished one person could have come forward and said something since at that time we had all talked and they could have at least warned me what l was getting into because then l would have probably chosen not to. l have lost these friend due to going out with this man since they all stopped talking to me since l started going out with this man.
l had no idea just how bad this man or his family was in drinking or fighting. l stayed home while he went to see his family every weekend (so he said it was his family) because l am not comfortable around alot of people drinking.
l m certainly not going to start running now or having someone change my life as l had my last marriage. l know all the ways to keep safe such as meeting in public places, not being alone with him and keeping times and dates of all conversations and when he shows up at the door. l keep my doors and windows locked at all times and l have a cell phone on me at all times. l have a friend who checks on me daily and has a key to come in if l dont answer the door in instances where l have been sleeping or in the shower. l am getting alot of hang up calls so l called the phone company and just got the caller ID put on the phone to now find out where the calls are coming from. That will begin on Monday.
Is there any other things that you can tell me that l might be forgetting?? l think l have got all areas covered for my safety, but just in case you might have some other ideas.
Chelle
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Change the locks in case there there are keys out ther you aren't aware of. Get some of those relatively cheap alarms that you can attach to door and windows and go off if opened.
How are the police in your town? Helpful? If so, put them on notice that you are concerned about AH and his family threatening you.
Sorry you are having to go thru all this.
How are the police in your town? Helpful? If so, put them on notice that you are concerned about AH and his family threatening you.
Sorry you are having to go thru all this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Same here babe I am so sorry you are going threw this in what I seem to think is a relitively short marriage ( your referance to this being your first holiday together).
I would suggest what is called a restraining order in the US, it is just added protection, and for God's sake make sure you go threw with your promise tell his family, if he doesn't see his drinking as a problem then maybe his family will be able to make him see that this behavior of his is not acceptable! Good Luck and your in my prayers!
I would suggest what is called a restraining order in the US, it is just added protection, and for God's sake make sure you go threw with your promise tell his family, if he doesn't see his drinking as a problem then maybe his family will be able to make him see that this behavior of his is not acceptable! Good Luck and your in my prayers!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by chelle63
She was suggesting to me to up and move immediately to which l answered that since there was no apartments or houses that l knew of that was being a bit unrealistic and she said, that she did not mean in this small town but rather in the next town where she is or the next town to the west of here. l told her again that was unrealistic because l just cannot up and move in a day or two.
She asked if l wanted to go a woman's shelter for a few weeks and l said no because l am not going to start running because of this man and his family. Everyone in town knows them and their reputation and when l first met this man, l certainly wished one person could have come forward and said something since at that time we had all talked and they could have at least warned me what l was getting into because then l would have probably chosen not to.
She asked if l wanted to go a woman's shelter for a few weeks and l said no because l am not going to start running because of this man and his family. Everyone in town knows them and their reputation and when l first met this man, l certainly wished one person could have come forward and said something since at that time we had all talked and they could have at least warned me what l was getting into because then l would have probably chosen not to.
I was a blamer for a long time. Therapy and the 12-steps have made it virtually impossible for me to do it any longer.
Stay safe.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
I'm sorry for your pain but so happy for you that you had the strength to kick him out...however, to protect you going forward...I would suggest trying out al-anon meeting which will help you not attract another active loser alcoholic into your life (I am an alcoholic and when in active addiction too am a loser - no good for anyone)
It will help you to heal YOU
Blessings
Cathy31
x
It will help you to heal YOU
Blessings
Cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
l am sorry , l am not looking for reasons to stay here, it is a small town, bigger then the other two l am talking about. This is the biggest with 700 population here. lt is a very tiny logging town and most don't have cars including myself.
There is no Al anon although there should be because most of the town is made up of Alcoholics. l am not married but was living common law. His other nine siblings are all Alcoholics as well and very vicious when they drink thus why l don't go with him when he visits. l have gone when l first dated him and he did take me away when things were going bad, but l made it very clear l was never going back after that as much as he asked. l don't go looking for trouble, nor do l act like a victim either. l am sorry if l was sounding like that. l am more into not being the victim here because this is my home and l am not running. l am just doing what safety measures l can to make myself safe but this is my home and no one is going to chase me away. l find it pretty sad to have to give up everything here for the sake of one person and his family and for that l will not give up without a fight. l have had to go through so much in the past few years and to me this is just another hurdle.
In Canada we also have restraining orders but unfortunately here where we live it is a joke sad to say , the Quebec Police do not enforce it as they do in other Provinces, as l had a restraining order put on a man for my 16yr old daugher and the Police did absolutely nothing anytime l called because they said he was quiet and he was doing nothing wrong. This man happened to be our neighbor who tried to break in when she was here alone, leaving her terrified to be here alone after that and just because he was causing no more problems, the 1000 ft. restraining order did no good at all.
l came to believe the only time they act on it at all around here is if someone gets hurt or killed.
lf worse comes to worse l have my cell phone with me at all times and l can call 911, so there will be a response and l have a friend available 24/7 and l was just talking with one of the City workers who asked me to write down what occured and the threats that he made and mail them today to her, so there will be a copy that will be kept and one sent to the Police, so at least people are slowing finding out in the right places what is going on here with me. The worker did ask me why l did not have him charged on the threats alone and l said only because l am just waiting to see what else he is going to do because l have not heard anything yet.
l think everyone is now waiting to see what the Yet will be.
Chelle
There is no Al anon although there should be because most of the town is made up of Alcoholics. l am not married but was living common law. His other nine siblings are all Alcoholics as well and very vicious when they drink thus why l don't go with him when he visits. l have gone when l first dated him and he did take me away when things were going bad, but l made it very clear l was never going back after that as much as he asked. l don't go looking for trouble, nor do l act like a victim either. l am sorry if l was sounding like that. l am more into not being the victim here because this is my home and l am not running. l am just doing what safety measures l can to make myself safe but this is my home and no one is going to chase me away. l find it pretty sad to have to give up everything here for the sake of one person and his family and for that l will not give up without a fight. l have had to go through so much in the past few years and to me this is just another hurdle.
In Canada we also have restraining orders but unfortunately here where we live it is a joke sad to say , the Quebec Police do not enforce it as they do in other Provinces, as l had a restraining order put on a man for my 16yr old daugher and the Police did absolutely nothing anytime l called because they said he was quiet and he was doing nothing wrong. This man happened to be our neighbor who tried to break in when she was here alone, leaving her terrified to be here alone after that and just because he was causing no more problems, the 1000 ft. restraining order did no good at all.
l came to believe the only time they act on it at all around here is if someone gets hurt or killed.
lf worse comes to worse l have my cell phone with me at all times and l can call 911, so there will be a response and l have a friend available 24/7 and l was just talking with one of the City workers who asked me to write down what occured and the threats that he made and mail them today to her, so there will be a copy that will be kept and one sent to the Police, so at least people are slowing finding out in the right places what is going on here with me. The worker did ask me why l did not have him charged on the threats alone and l said only because l am just waiting to see what else he is going to do because l have not heard anything yet.
l think everyone is now waiting to see what the Yet will be.
Chelle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
DO NOT WAIT FOR YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My exA(Addicted because he was on so much) told me the same thing, I would never live without him.....It just about came to that, he stabbed me 9 times in my chest and broke both hips as well as my pelvic bone. I had restraining orders( they were not inforced eaither so he set my parents house on fire as well as the one I was in uncouncious because he had choked me until I passed out- BTW all is well with my parents and I) I had to stand up and after being assulted 15 times and within an inch of my life, with no help from his family, they were all into the drugs and booze as well I stood up and faught back, But at first I will be honest I ran.........no one knows where I live now.....if any of my friends want to see me I go to them I will never allow anyone to hurt me again and certainlly not him.......There are things called underground railroads.......they will help move you else where even back home to the UK( I think that is where you said you are from). Do not allow him the power to make you think just react and GET MAD!!!! It allows you to see things clearly I do believe......and give Thanks to your Higher Power that he is not in your life...... I pray you find help....Go to AA, since they do not have Al Anon............but watch yourself because in a town that small word could get out and he could plot to hurt you further!!!! But for Gods sake get some sort of help! You do not have to do this on your own....Thank You so much for posting here and please keep comming back!!!! You may want to tell your own family what is going on, you may find you have their support as well.....Good Luck sweetie!!!! And please keep strong and keep on Posting!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please call any of these numbers and ask them to help you. Staying where you are is dangerous to you and to your daughter. They can help you find a safe place to stay where he cannot find you.
# S.O.S. Violence conjugale
Telephone: 514-873-9010 or 1-800-363-9010
# Tel-jeunes (24/7)
Telephone hotline service
Telephone: 514-288-2266 or 1-800-263-2266
http://www.tel-jeunes.com
# Ordre professionnel des travailleurs sociaux du Québec
(Professional Order of Social Workers of Québec)
Telephone: 514-731-3925 or 1-888-731-9420
http://www.optsq.org
# Ordre professionnel des psychologues du Québec
(Professional Order of Psychologists of Québec)
Telephone: 514-738-1223 or 1-800-561-1223
http://www.ordrepsy.qc.ca
Auberge Transition Shelter for women and children who are victims of conjugal abuse. Up to six-week stays. Counselling, child-care and follow-up services. 24-hour crisis centre. 481-0495
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-363-9010
And please read this, from the Department of Social Services in Quebec...
“VIOLENCE MAY NOT ALWAYS BE STRIKING, BUT IT ALWAYS HURTS.”
Without denying the fact that men can also be victims of domestic violence, in most cases, the victim is a woman and the abuser is her current or ex-partner. Victims and abusers have no particular characteristics. Some victims are young, some older; they are rich or not so rich; educated or not. Most men who abuse their partners do not exhibit violent behaviour outside their relationship. They are often good work colleagues and friendly neighbours.
Domestic violence takes many forms . . .
Violence against women is most often associated with physical abuse. However, violence may take many forms including psychological abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse. Financial domination is another form of violence. For example, a man who controls the expenses and income of his partner without her consent is engaging in financial abuse.
. . . and has serious consequences.
Violence has serious human, social and economic consequences both for the women who endure it and for society as a whole. Violence is detrimental to women’s personal and financial independence and can do serious damage to their physical and mental well-being.
The women, men and children who are caught up in a cycle of violence need appropriate support and treatment to help them break free.
Statistics
* In 2000, approximately 16,000 people in Québec were victims of crimes against persons in a domestic context. Eighty-five percent of the victims of these crimes were women (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Women are the main victims of domestic homicides. From 1995 to 2000, 95 women were killed by their partners, ex-partners or boyfriends, which represents an average of 16.8 deaths per year in Québec (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Young women from 15 to 24 have the highest risk of being killed by their partners or boyfriends (Statistics Canada 2000). This age group is the second most likely to report domestic violence to the police (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Over a period of one year, over 100,000 women in Québec, or 6% of women over 18 who have a live-in partner, were victims of physical violence at the hands of their partner (Institut de la statistique du Québec, 2002).
* Most children of women who are victims of domestic violence are present during acts of physical abuse: 75% witness the violence; 20% participate in it and 11% are also victims of the abuse. (Larouche, 1987; Sudermann and Jaffe, 1999).
How Is Domestic Violence Expressed?
Domestic violence does not suddenly appear in a relationship. It begins progressively and sometimes very subtly. Domestic violence can be expressed in many ways. A violent man may use physical force (e.g., hitting his partner or throwing things), but he may also make off-colour jokes, resort to blackmail or make unsubstantiated accusations. Sometimes he humiliates, insults, threatens or shouts at his partner. He may control her activities, monitoring who she sees and who she speaks to. He may keep tabs on her expenses and on how much money she has at her disposal. He may also resort to violence during sexual relations.
Examples of Domestic Violence:
* Constantly criticizing his partner as well as her tastes and abilities
* Putting down her friends or forbidding her to see friends or family
* Controlling what she does or what she wears
* Making fun of her physical appearance or sexual performance
* Shouting for no good reason
* Threatening suicide if she attempts to leave or using her kids to get to her
Violence: When It Starts in Adolescence
A surprising number of teenage girls report incidents of violence in their relationships. For a teenager, having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a sign of prestige. Young girls may want to please their boyfriends to their own detriment. They often feel responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of their partner.
The desire for control is still very common among adolescent males: “If you think I’m going out with you dressed like that!”; ”If you really loved me, you’d do as I say.” Violence in teenage relationships very often resembles that found in adult couples.
Prevention among young people involves providing them with egalitarian models that will foster more harmonious relationships between young women and men.
The Key to Breaking Free: Talking about It
Whatever form violence takes, talking about it is critical. Fear, shame or embarrassment can keep women and girls isolated in the grip of violence. It is therefore vital to break the wall of silence, talk about violence and seek help. This applies equally to victims, abusers and witnesses.
If someone talks to you about domestic violence in their relationship, it is important to listen without judgment and realize that considerable courage is required to talk about it, in the face of embarrassment, shame and fear. Regaining control over one’s life is not an easy thing to do. Each person proceeds at their own rate, and this should be respected.
# S.O.S. Violence conjugale
Telephone: 514-873-9010 or 1-800-363-9010
# Tel-jeunes (24/7)
Telephone hotline service
Telephone: 514-288-2266 or 1-800-263-2266
http://www.tel-jeunes.com
# Ordre professionnel des travailleurs sociaux du Québec
(Professional Order of Social Workers of Québec)
Telephone: 514-731-3925 or 1-888-731-9420
http://www.optsq.org
# Ordre professionnel des psychologues du Québec
(Professional Order of Psychologists of Québec)
Telephone: 514-738-1223 or 1-800-561-1223
http://www.ordrepsy.qc.ca
Auberge Transition Shelter for women and children who are victims of conjugal abuse. Up to six-week stays. Counselling, child-care and follow-up services. 24-hour crisis centre. 481-0495
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-363-9010
And please read this, from the Department of Social Services in Quebec...
“VIOLENCE MAY NOT ALWAYS BE STRIKING, BUT IT ALWAYS HURTS.”
Without denying the fact that men can also be victims of domestic violence, in most cases, the victim is a woman and the abuser is her current or ex-partner. Victims and abusers have no particular characteristics. Some victims are young, some older; they are rich or not so rich; educated or not. Most men who abuse their partners do not exhibit violent behaviour outside their relationship. They are often good work colleagues and friendly neighbours.
Domestic violence takes many forms . . .
Violence against women is most often associated with physical abuse. However, violence may take many forms including psychological abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse. Financial domination is another form of violence. For example, a man who controls the expenses and income of his partner without her consent is engaging in financial abuse.
. . . and has serious consequences.
Violence has serious human, social and economic consequences both for the women who endure it and for society as a whole. Violence is detrimental to women’s personal and financial independence and can do serious damage to their physical and mental well-being.
The women, men and children who are caught up in a cycle of violence need appropriate support and treatment to help them break free.
Statistics
* In 2000, approximately 16,000 people in Québec were victims of crimes against persons in a domestic context. Eighty-five percent of the victims of these crimes were women (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Women are the main victims of domestic homicides. From 1995 to 2000, 95 women were killed by their partners, ex-partners or boyfriends, which represents an average of 16.8 deaths per year in Québec (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Young women from 15 to 24 have the highest risk of being killed by their partners or boyfriends (Statistics Canada 2000). This age group is the second most likely to report domestic violence to the police (Ministère de la Sécurité publique, La violence conjugale : statistiques 2000 [Domestic Violence: 2000 Statistics]).
* Over a period of one year, over 100,000 women in Québec, or 6% of women over 18 who have a live-in partner, were victims of physical violence at the hands of their partner (Institut de la statistique du Québec, 2002).
* Most children of women who are victims of domestic violence are present during acts of physical abuse: 75% witness the violence; 20% participate in it and 11% are also victims of the abuse. (Larouche, 1987; Sudermann and Jaffe, 1999).
How Is Domestic Violence Expressed?
Domestic violence does not suddenly appear in a relationship. It begins progressively and sometimes very subtly. Domestic violence can be expressed in many ways. A violent man may use physical force (e.g., hitting his partner or throwing things), but he may also make off-colour jokes, resort to blackmail or make unsubstantiated accusations. Sometimes he humiliates, insults, threatens or shouts at his partner. He may control her activities, monitoring who she sees and who she speaks to. He may keep tabs on her expenses and on how much money she has at her disposal. He may also resort to violence during sexual relations.
Examples of Domestic Violence:
* Constantly criticizing his partner as well as her tastes and abilities
* Putting down her friends or forbidding her to see friends or family
* Controlling what she does or what she wears
* Making fun of her physical appearance or sexual performance
* Shouting for no good reason
* Threatening suicide if she attempts to leave or using her kids to get to her
Violence: When It Starts in Adolescence
A surprising number of teenage girls report incidents of violence in their relationships. For a teenager, having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a sign of prestige. Young girls may want to please their boyfriends to their own detriment. They often feel responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of their partner.
The desire for control is still very common among adolescent males: “If you think I’m going out with you dressed like that!”; ”If you really loved me, you’d do as I say.” Violence in teenage relationships very often resembles that found in adult couples.
Prevention among young people involves providing them with egalitarian models that will foster more harmonious relationships between young women and men.
The Key to Breaking Free: Talking about It
Whatever form violence takes, talking about it is critical. Fear, shame or embarrassment can keep women and girls isolated in the grip of violence. It is therefore vital to break the wall of silence, talk about violence and seek help. This applies equally to victims, abusers and witnesses.
If someone talks to you about domestic violence in their relationship, it is important to listen without judgment and realize that considerable courage is required to talk about it, in the face of embarrassment, shame and fear. Regaining control over one’s life is not an easy thing to do. Each person proceeds at their own rate, and this should be respected.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Thanks for the links Ann, l will give a call. My daughter is not home with me any longer as she has left for Ottawa to start University now but the information is useful for myself. Thank you again.
Chelle
Chelle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
While having gone through the house to get his things together and brought out, today was the day to go through the junk of his that sat in boxes. We had a spare bedroom that was more or less just a place to store things. First off, l found he had lied to me about how much he had drank in saying a 12 pack on the weekend, there were 4 cases of 24,4 cases of 12, 2 cases of 6 all stashed where l could not see them. The money sure came in handy for me as l brought back full and empty cases.
More nice suprises that laid in store for me when l started going through the room. l found a stolen tool kit that was full, that a lad who had it stolen, had a picture down at the Grocery Store and it was well hidden, until l took stuff off and realized just what it was and of course panicked, realizing it was the one on the picture.
l felt sick to my stomach and called my friend, who said hide it until we figure out what to do with it when she gets off of work this afternoon, as he might say l was part of the plot to steal it.
My friend told me last night over the phone that when my ex was over moving a couch at her house,her husband's brand new cell phone was on the fridge and went missing and she did not want to say a word, and l had bought the first one off of her so in feeling bad, l offered to give her back mine to replace the other. She said no one else had been in the house since him.
Another time, down at the Grocery, my Ex's friend was short of money and l offered to put in some and when he was still short l said to forget the beer and took my money back and left. My Ex went down and while everyone was talking, apparently he walked out with the beer. My friend had to pay out of her pocket for the beer so she would not be short on her till, but she never told me that until now that he just up and walked away with the 24 of beer. l told her she should have said something when he did it or as he was walking out of the store but she did not want to cause any trouble.
l called his former boss this morning and got his wife on the phone today and she said she has known my ex for many years and one thing he would never do is steal off of anyone and l was only calling to make trouble. l just explained that l was only calling to ask her husband that if he was back working with the ex at all and if the ex now had a cell phone on him in trying to help my friend find hers. l told her in the same situation if it were her, she would only want someone to do the same for her.
l hung up the phone and realized the battle lines are now being defined. l cannot believe anyone would take his side and defend him for all he has done. He up and stole this fully loaded tool kit right out of someone's truck who was at the bar because he wanted to make some extra money to support his habit.
No matter what you say , he always says he never did it , never said it, and it is everyone's fault but his own. l am the liar, the troublemaker, etc.
l only suppose by being the honest person that l am going to the police and handing in the toolkit, l will take the fall for it and get in trouble.
l honestly don't know how long he can convince people that he is so innocent but he can convince them l am losing my mind because l take anti depressants and anti anxiety medications because at times l find this too much to cope with.
l wish l would wake up one day and this was all a horrible dream. So far though, l wake up and handle each day as it comes and take each moment and cope the best l can. l do get very anxious when he comes to the door though.
He did come yesterday and was not polite, more looking for a paper and then said, "Have to go , l am a busy man" and left. l talked to the Ex wife who said he only says that when he has someone else, but she did tell me to get an HIV test and other tests to check myself and l am better off without him and also to call her if l need someone to talk to because she went through the same thing with him herself.
Chelle
More nice suprises that laid in store for me when l started going through the room. l found a stolen tool kit that was full, that a lad who had it stolen, had a picture down at the Grocery Store and it was well hidden, until l took stuff off and realized just what it was and of course panicked, realizing it was the one on the picture.
l felt sick to my stomach and called my friend, who said hide it until we figure out what to do with it when she gets off of work this afternoon, as he might say l was part of the plot to steal it.
My friend told me last night over the phone that when my ex was over moving a couch at her house,her husband's brand new cell phone was on the fridge and went missing and she did not want to say a word, and l had bought the first one off of her so in feeling bad, l offered to give her back mine to replace the other. She said no one else had been in the house since him.
Another time, down at the Grocery, my Ex's friend was short of money and l offered to put in some and when he was still short l said to forget the beer and took my money back and left. My Ex went down and while everyone was talking, apparently he walked out with the beer. My friend had to pay out of her pocket for the beer so she would not be short on her till, but she never told me that until now that he just up and walked away with the 24 of beer. l told her she should have said something when he did it or as he was walking out of the store but she did not want to cause any trouble.
l called his former boss this morning and got his wife on the phone today and she said she has known my ex for many years and one thing he would never do is steal off of anyone and l was only calling to make trouble. l just explained that l was only calling to ask her husband that if he was back working with the ex at all and if the ex now had a cell phone on him in trying to help my friend find hers. l told her in the same situation if it were her, she would only want someone to do the same for her.
l hung up the phone and realized the battle lines are now being defined. l cannot believe anyone would take his side and defend him for all he has done. He up and stole this fully loaded tool kit right out of someone's truck who was at the bar because he wanted to make some extra money to support his habit.
No matter what you say , he always says he never did it , never said it, and it is everyone's fault but his own. l am the liar, the troublemaker, etc.
l only suppose by being the honest person that l am going to the police and handing in the toolkit, l will take the fall for it and get in trouble.
l honestly don't know how long he can convince people that he is so innocent but he can convince them l am losing my mind because l take anti depressants and anti anxiety medications because at times l find this too much to cope with.
l wish l would wake up one day and this was all a horrible dream. So far though, l wake up and handle each day as it comes and take each moment and cope the best l can. l do get very anxious when he comes to the door though.
He did come yesterday and was not polite, more looking for a paper and then said, "Have to go , l am a busy man" and left. l talked to the Ex wife who said he only says that when he has someone else, but she did tell me to get an HIV test and other tests to check myself and l am better off without him and also to call her if l need someone to talk to because she went through the same thing with him herself.
Chelle
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