kermit

Well, I have been gone from allanon for a while now and I'm feeling it. But I also don't feel like going back. I feel so out of place there, here everywhere. I'm thinking about him to much and not enough about me. I'm sad.
This sucks.

Barbara52

So how do you want to change this? What can you do to switch your thinking to be centered around you and your life?

mushroom

Sure does suck. big time.

The time to go to AlAnon, is when you most feel like staying home in your little cave. BTDT.

As someone in my local ACOA group likes to say, If you don't stop coming to meetings then you never have to go back! Don't wait til you really need it, but come regularly even when you don't need it - the others need you, even when you don't feel like you need them.

Part of our disease is feeling out of place and alone. That describes my whole life so I know where you're coming from. Just yesterday I was thinking what a pathetic existence I lead, all alone in a world of 6 billion people. So I make myself go to meetings just for the human contact, especially on weekends. Workdays I have coworkers around me so that's ok.

Thinking about others may help you stop thinking about him. Finding something new in your life that you didn't share with him. Find a meeting, and just go to listen to the others.

DesertEyes

Hey there kermeee

You know, I keep so busy with meetings, calling newbies on the phone, more meetings, hanging out with my sponsor and other program friends, that I just don't have _time_ to think about stuff that will get me down. Okay, so maybe I get a little behind on the laundry with all this program stuff, but it keeps my mind on the right track and you know, it's kinda fun to be so busy

So try some "Nike therapy" and "Just Do It". Just go to meetings. Don't even think about it. Just go to a meeting. Today. Just do it.

Once you do you'll feel much better, the way you used to feel when you were going.

I'm going to my meet tonite, it's over at the hospital where I get dragged in a couple times a year when my heart acts up. Lots of nice people there, including a new guy and his wife I've been going out to dinner with. At the end of the meet we all hold hands and say a prayer for those who still suffer. I'll say your name tonite when we pray, if you'll say my name when you pray at your meeting _tonite_. Deal?

Mike

Mr. Christian

MMMM, out of place huh?
I think we have talked about this before my friend. It all has to do with effort and what you put into it.
You get what you give like anything else in life.

Putting yourself out there so to speak with anything.

Alanon, functions, dinner with friends, anything.

It requires movement and drive on your part. The world moves forward with or without you.

There is time for this, everyone finds time. Get to that Sunday meeting, talk to those you know and get that sponsor!

denny57

It works if you work it.

You're worth it.

kermit

Deal Mike.
Christian, I'm going but I'm not to sure about a sponsor k?

Mr. Christian

Its high time you get one, you know that!!!

kermit

are you offering Christian?
My friend Christian I'm not sure how to go about picking one.
But I'm more open to it now

DesertEyes

Here's how I pick a sponsor.

First: A sponsor is _not_ someone who will listen to your problems and give you advice. A sponsor is someone who has the serenity that you want for yourself, and that you will learn from by following their _example_, not their words.

- Listen carefuly to what people say in meetings, especially listen to the _tone_ of their voice. Are they happy with their life? Are they serene in spite of problems that life throws at them? Do they mention the friendships they have in the program? Do they have a sponsor of their own with whom they share their worries?

- Pick half a dozen people from your meetings that seem to have the kind of serenity you want for yourself.

- Ask each one out to coffee _several_ times and ask them how the program is working in their lives.

- Pick each one of the six and invite them to _your_ home for coffee, and keep listening to what they say about their program.

- By the time you've done the above you will have six new friends in your life, and you will know which one you like best to be your sponsor.

My sponsor is a guy who's been married to the same lady _Forty_ years. They've been thru all the hardships of life together and never quit bettering themselves. They have the kind of relationship I hope to have some day. They _never_ give me advice. They don't have to, they _show_ me how to live life according to the principles of our program. I've been with them when one of their kids got married, when a son in law was burried, when she had heart surgery, when they were both unemployd, when they were both working too many hours to catch up on the bills. I have _seen_ how they handle life, and from them I have learned how to handle mine.

I have a good lady friend with whom I've become very close. She's driven me to doctors apointment when I was too sick, she's been there for me when I was too sick from my heart to care for myself. I've been there for her when her husband passed, when her kids were a handful, helped her with her house, her finances, her car. Her sponsor is married to my sponsor, so she calls me her "brother", cuz she says I am the brother she never had. I call her "sis", cuz she's like the sister I never had. We check out each others dates, and she refused to accept her fiancee's proposal until after I had checked him out.

All of this and more is what having a sponsor has done for me. It has made me become part of a "family" of people that are helping each other get thru the trials of life.

Go get one, Kermeee, they're the best part of recovery.

Mike

kermit

Mike, Thanks, it's just hard for me.. I have trouble making friends and doing the things like you mentioned above. I will work on it. Thanks

kermit

So I went to my meeting and volunteered to make a basket for a auction to take place in Dec. I thought this would get me talking to more people. Now I just need to come up with a theme. Wish me luck

DesertEyes

wooooohooooo Kermeeee!!!!!

You go! girl!!!!

Mike

CBrown

Desert, thanks for the description of what a sponsor is. Sometimes I need to vent, so I come on here. Sometimes I just want to get on with life and I don't come on here, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Same with my Celebrate Recovery meeting. This coming week I want to go to the meeting, which is thought provoking about ME, but I don't want to go to the small group afterward, which turns into a "here's the latest crisis in my life."

Does it make sense that I just want normalcy and calm in my life sometimes?

So if a sponsor is all those things you described, now I'm more willing to entertain the thought of having a sponsor! Actually since my XABF has disappeared from my life, I am now surrounded by friends who are what you call "sponsors!" Guess I'm on my way!

DesertEyes

sounds very healthy to me

ugh, I _hate_ those. I don't go to them either.

sometimes???? I want that _always_

Yup, you sure are. Go get 'em !!!

Mike

Mr. Christian

Oh this one can be easy.
Candles , bath salts and sleepytime tea. Call it a serenity basket.

HKAngel24

I also have trouble making friends or putting myself out there. My first probably ten meetings I escaped afterwards because I just couldn't handle approaching anyone. It felt all so forced and artifical. I also feel out of place alot - I won't share in a large group, as I speak words and then feel like I've just spoken gibberish. I hope this will get better with time, as I feel more comfortable speaking out loud. I also always think that people stare at me and I am convinced I've done something incredibly improper - either that or I am severely paranoid. I think it's that reverse self-centeredness- the one in which I think everyone is obsessed with my negative attributes.

Like I'm that important
If I find out a way to squelch the social anxiety that occurs interacting with people I will let you know, but until then I think it's jsut feel the fear and do it anyways.
I have thought about a sponsor, but the asking someone makes me quake. That is like a codie's worst nightmare- believing they are worthy of someone else freely spending time with them and actually wanting to better them without needing something in return.

I say get back into the rooms. You'll end up feeling better.

Mike- thanks for the sponsor selection tips

FormerDoormat

How about creating an inspiration board? You know, a board filled with the things you'd like to attract into your life. Here are some examples:

- A photo of your dream house
- An ad for your dream job
- A photo of some hot guy out of a fashion magazine you'd like to date
- Your favorite inspirational phrases
- Pictures of your favorite comfort foods
- A recipe you'd like to try
- A photo of a dream garden
- Vacation brochures for places you'd like to visit
- Photos of treasured friends you'd like to reconnect with
- The names of books you'd like to read
- A photo of an outfit you'd love to own
- A photo of a hot new haircut you'd like to try

You get the idea. Now, take this inspiration board and place it in your bedroom, so that every morning when you wake up you can see it. Now, make a commitment to yourself that every day you'll take one action towards making your dreams come true.

If this is too much work, get yourself a simple blackboard and a piece of chalk. This is the chalkboard of your life. Fill it with everything you'd like to attract into your life. As your priorities change, erase the things that no longer apply and fill it up with new dreams. Then make a commitment to yourself that every day you'll take one action towards making your dreams come true.

These days, when I find myself feeling down and begin to focus on what I don't have in my life, I know it's time to shift my thinking and begin to focus on all the things that are good in my life and all the good things yet to come.

Give it a try, it's working wonders for me.

kermit

Great idea FD, thanks..
Mr.C, you and I are on the same page, I sell candles and that idea is what came to mind I'm glad you suggested it, it makes it sound even better!

MayaandMe

Thanks for that great idea, FormerDoormat. I love it and I am going to start today!