Feeling miserable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Feeling miserable
Hey guys
Get ready for a big vent ....
Well it has been nearly 2 years now since I came here to SR. It has been 2 years since ex AB and I finished. I have met some wonderful people in the last 2 years and done some wonderful things but he has always been there in the back of my mind.
I am sat here now feeling really sorry for myself feeling like really I am no further forward. I feel like I have just been "faking" it for the last 24 months, like everything I have done has been simply to keep busy and not really for me. Do you know what I mean?? I know I should go out and have some fun but at the moment I feel why should I bother? Why should I bother pretending to have fun when really I am hurting so so much?? Why should I bother making myself look nice when on the inside is nothing but hurt and scaring.
I look around and what do I have? Everything seems so fake. All I really want is to be content. I resent him for making me feel like this. I resent my family for forcing me into the choice I made with my baby (I was pressured into a termination). I would give anything - anything at all to turn the clock back, to have felt stronger to stand by what I really really wanted which was to keep my baby. I keep thinking about what could of been. Him I can live without but I regret everyday the decision I was forced to make which was not what I wanted. I feel like no one understands, even my counseller.
I just want to be GENUINELY happy. Why is it so difficult!! Why do I have to keep pretending all the time. I am not happy and I am not over things. My true feelings are not fake they are so so real and it hurts.
Sorry to sound so miserable and for all my questions
Love to you all
x
Get ready for a big vent ....
Well it has been nearly 2 years now since I came here to SR. It has been 2 years since ex AB and I finished. I have met some wonderful people in the last 2 years and done some wonderful things but he has always been there in the back of my mind.
I am sat here now feeling really sorry for myself feeling like really I am no further forward. I feel like I have just been "faking" it for the last 24 months, like everything I have done has been simply to keep busy and not really for me. Do you know what I mean?? I know I should go out and have some fun but at the moment I feel why should I bother? Why should I bother pretending to have fun when really I am hurting so so much?? Why should I bother making myself look nice when on the inside is nothing but hurt and scaring.
I look around and what do I have? Everything seems so fake. All I really want is to be content. I resent him for making me feel like this. I resent my family for forcing me into the choice I made with my baby (I was pressured into a termination). I would give anything - anything at all to turn the clock back, to have felt stronger to stand by what I really really wanted which was to keep my baby. I keep thinking about what could of been. Him I can live without but I regret everyday the decision I was forced to make which was not what I wanted. I feel like no one understands, even my counseller.
I just want to be GENUINELY happy. Why is it so difficult!! Why do I have to keep pretending all the time. I am not happy and I am not over things. My true feelings are not fake they are so so real and it hurts.
Sorry to sound so miserable and for all my questions
Love to you all
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((KATIE)))
I understand your pain. Some decisions I've made in life have taken a very long time to gain acceptance on. What I worked at was putting them in their proper place, almost like tucking them into an area marked "this will take a long time." Understanding that helped me love and forgive myself for some of my choices.
If you feel your counselor does not understand, have you considered trying another one? I have been blessed with my therapist; she is really helping me come to terms with my past choices, anger and resentments.
Journaling helps me greatly in working things out, too. And keep posting!
Much love to you.
I understand your pain. Some decisions I've made in life have taken a very long time to gain acceptance on. What I worked at was putting them in their proper place, almost like tucking them into an area marked "this will take a long time." Understanding that helped me love and forgive myself for some of my choices.
If you feel your counselor does not understand, have you considered trying another one? I have been blessed with my therapist; she is really helping me come to terms with my past choices, anger and resentments.
Journaling helps me greatly in working things out, too. And keep posting!
Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Accepting decision....
Hi Katie,
I agree that we need to take some time to accept some of our past decisions. The only way I could do it was through the Serenity Prayer that taught me how to decide what I could change and what I couldn't change.
I would tell my self that I didn't have to think about that decision since I couldn't change it now.
But I would focus on the decisions or problems that I knew I could change. This was hard for me in the beginning because I always worried about every little thing and also felt hopeless and helpless at times.
The last major event I went through had me just spinning my wheels...I would go to work, come home and drink until bedtime..eat a little something and started it all over the next day...for four years I did this until I finally got help. I learned about the Serenity Prayer in AA and still use it today after 19 years of sobriety. I won't kid you though, it was a lot of hard work on my part to get myself better and to quit blaming myself for everything that happened in my life.
I am retired now and have a life I could never have had if I were still drinking.
Hope you find some answers for yourself,
kelsh
I agree that we need to take some time to accept some of our past decisions. The only way I could do it was through the Serenity Prayer that taught me how to decide what I could change and what I couldn't change.
I would tell my self that I didn't have to think about that decision since I couldn't change it now.
But I would focus on the decisions or problems that I knew I could change. This was hard for me in the beginning because I always worried about every little thing and also felt hopeless and helpless at times.
The last major event I went through had me just spinning my wheels...I would go to work, come home and drink until bedtime..eat a little something and started it all over the next day...for four years I did this until I finally got help. I learned about the Serenity Prayer in AA and still use it today after 19 years of sobriety. I won't kid you though, it was a lot of hard work on my part to get myself better and to quit blaming myself for everything that happened in my life.
I am retired now and have a life I could never have had if I were still drinking.
Hope you find some answers for yourself,
kelsh
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hiya Katie - good to see you back, however I am sorry that it is for the reasons in your post.
My default setting at the moment seems to be "What's the point?" And I sure understand the faking it thing. Problem is, it doesn't get us anywhere, does it?
Time to get it all out - both of us. Like Denny says, journalling is a great way of doing that, as is counselling - perhaps it's time to find a new one. Or perhaps time to let it all out to your counsellor. After all, you have paid for their time. You don't have to please them with what you say.
Hon, we make decisions based on the knowledge and state we were in at the time. Hindsight is a great teacher, but not something that is available to us when we need to make those tough decisions. Forgive yourself for the decisions that you made. Have you checked out charities that may offer counselling specific to those relating to abortions? It may be that you need some more focussed work to help you get to where you want to be.
((((hugs))))
My default setting at the moment seems to be "What's the point?" And I sure understand the faking it thing. Problem is, it doesn't get us anywhere, does it?
Time to get it all out - both of us. Like Denny says, journalling is a great way of doing that, as is counselling - perhaps it's time to find a new one. Or perhaps time to let it all out to your counsellor. After all, you have paid for their time. You don't have to please them with what you say.
Hon, we make decisions based on the knowledge and state we were in at the time. Hindsight is a great teacher, but not something that is available to us when we need to make those tough decisions. Forgive yourself for the decisions that you made. Have you checked out charities that may offer counselling specific to those relating to abortions? It may be that you need some more focussed work to help you get to where you want to be.
((((hugs))))
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Katie, we've all done things that we regret, made the wrong choices for the wrong reasons, allowed folks to pressure us into doing something that we really didn't want to do. That doesn't make us weak or bad people. It makes us human. We can't go back and change the past any more than we can look ahead into the future. All we can do is live our best life and make the best decisions based on the knowledge and experience we have today.
I agree with Denny, if you don't feel your counselor understands what you're going through then perhaps it's time to try a new one. Not every counselor is right for every person, despite their best efforts.
I agree with Denny, if you don't feel your counselor understands what you're going through then perhaps it's time to try a new one. Not every counselor is right for every person, despite their best efforts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Why not start with a complete physical? Activity lifts depressiona dnyoucan't wair until you feel like dong something, you'll never feel like it. Youhave to make yourself get up and get out there and THEN you'll feel better. This may seem harsh but I think after 24 months he isn't the one making you feel this way, you are.
He has brought no joy to you. Thinking of him has not brought you any nearer to the happiness you speak of. You must not allow your experience with him to define you or your outcome because then he just becomes the excuse you use.
He's gone.
I think happiness comes from living a life that makes sense. Right now the time you spend thinking of him doesn't make sense. When the sun comes up today, you can be whoever you decide to be and you will not attract positive people into your life with so much negativity at your core.
Love will come again when you are ready to receive it. You don't seem ready to receive it. I'd find a role model, someone who is happy, spend time with them. A new life and the happiness you speak of will not come and knock on the door. You seem to be waiting for life to happen and bring you happiness.
Let go of it. No, it isn't easy. Emerse yourself in a hobby or passion, not some contrived activity you have no real interest in.
Stop faking it and do something you enjoy. I think a formal recovery program is great but I also think you need to step away from it at some point as well. It is a step not the hub of a new life. Sometimes I think we can become saturated with recovery forgetting there is a whole big world out there. This experience is only one facet of your life. He is gone and you are better for it. That's just the plain truth.
Instead of dwelling in it, why not embrace all the possiblities that you are now free to pursue. I think it is a good sign that you want. We can not underestimate that recovery takes time but it sounds like you are rounding the bend and really feel like you are ready for the next step. Why not go to some places you've never been or do an online personal ad with no expectations except to meet some people.
He has brought no joy to you. Thinking of him has not brought you any nearer to the happiness you speak of. You must not allow your experience with him to define you or your outcome because then he just becomes the excuse you use.
He's gone.
I think happiness comes from living a life that makes sense. Right now the time you spend thinking of him doesn't make sense. When the sun comes up today, you can be whoever you decide to be and you will not attract positive people into your life with so much negativity at your core.
Love will come again when you are ready to receive it. You don't seem ready to receive it. I'd find a role model, someone who is happy, spend time with them. A new life and the happiness you speak of will not come and knock on the door. You seem to be waiting for life to happen and bring you happiness.
Let go of it. No, it isn't easy. Emerse yourself in a hobby or passion, not some contrived activity you have no real interest in.
Stop faking it and do something you enjoy. I think a formal recovery program is great but I also think you need to step away from it at some point as well. It is a step not the hub of a new life. Sometimes I think we can become saturated with recovery forgetting there is a whole big world out there. This experience is only one facet of your life. He is gone and you are better for it. That's just the plain truth.
Instead of dwelling in it, why not embrace all the possiblities that you are now free to pursue. I think it is a good sign that you want. We can not underestimate that recovery takes time but it sounds like you are rounding the bend and really feel like you are ready for the next step. Why not go to some places you've never been or do an online personal ad with no expectations except to meet some people.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Katie-
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I know the despair of feeling empty and frustrated after the storm seems to have passed but you feel no different.
Maybe you need to find a way in which you connect with yourself. Something that brings you joy and makes you feel more connected to the world. In my most depressed times it definitely relates to me feeling disconnected from the rest of humanity and to seeing myself as unfit for life or reality.
I know the yearning of just wanting to be content- to be at a place in your life where you can throw your feet up and just relax and bask in goodness. I have come to accept that happiness is just a little bit more difficult for some than it is for others- for years I struggled with seeing this as a liability in myself but, have recently come to accept my strength of feeling things deeply and thinking about the world on a higher level an asset. I just don't think I'll ever be simple. I just wrote a post myself about a friend who seems to always be bouncing off the ground, taking things in stride or popping back up instantly after she's knocked down and whom I am finding it harder and harder to relate to.
Not sure if you live near a big city but there is a website titled Craigslist that has a section called Strictly Platonic where individuals who are new to the area or are seeking friends can post threads and others can respond who may feel themselves compatible friendship-wise.
What about a class of some sort? Anything that takes you out of the daily grind, the day-to-day life. Often it's something that may feel very uncomfortable at first, but it provides the much needed change. I always envy those people who KNOW this on a deep level so they push themselves to do things, knowing they'll be more along their path after it's over.
In Al-Anon there is this saying of acting "as if." When I first heard this I scoffed at it, since I have NEVER been someone to put on a happy face. If I was feeling pain, I wasn't going to act as though everything was all rainbows and butterflies, I was going to be true to my reality at that moment. The more I learned about it, the more I saw that sometimes it's not about fooling the OUTSIDE world, but it's about fooling yourself into being more positive. I've tried it before and it honestly does work at times. I can't say I practice it everyday because for me I have to put alot of energy into that, but it doesn't feel as artifical as I had feared it would.
Just some thoughts. You are not alone. Thinking of you today.
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I know the despair of feeling empty and frustrated after the storm seems to have passed but you feel no different.
Maybe you need to find a way in which you connect with yourself. Something that brings you joy and makes you feel more connected to the world. In my most depressed times it definitely relates to me feeling disconnected from the rest of humanity and to seeing myself as unfit for life or reality.
I know the yearning of just wanting to be content- to be at a place in your life where you can throw your feet up and just relax and bask in goodness. I have come to accept that happiness is just a little bit more difficult for some than it is for others- for years I struggled with seeing this as a liability in myself but, have recently come to accept my strength of feeling things deeply and thinking about the world on a higher level an asset. I just don't think I'll ever be simple. I just wrote a post myself about a friend who seems to always be bouncing off the ground, taking things in stride or popping back up instantly after she's knocked down and whom I am finding it harder and harder to relate to.
Not sure if you live near a big city but there is a website titled Craigslist that has a section called Strictly Platonic where individuals who are new to the area or are seeking friends can post threads and others can respond who may feel themselves compatible friendship-wise.
What about a class of some sort? Anything that takes you out of the daily grind, the day-to-day life. Often it's something that may feel very uncomfortable at first, but it provides the much needed change. I always envy those people who KNOW this on a deep level so they push themselves to do things, knowing they'll be more along their path after it's over.
In Al-Anon there is this saying of acting "as if." When I first heard this I scoffed at it, since I have NEVER been someone to put on a happy face. If I was feeling pain, I wasn't going to act as though everything was all rainbows and butterflies, I was going to be true to my reality at that moment. The more I learned about it, the more I saw that sometimes it's not about fooling the OUTSIDE world, but it's about fooling yourself into being more positive. I've tried it before and it honestly does work at times. I can't say I practice it everyday because for me I have to put alot of energy into that, but it doesn't feel as artifical as I had feared it would.
Just some thoughts. You are not alone. Thinking of you today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Thank you so much for all your advice. I just feel like I am plodding on and watching myself, do you know what I mean??
I am so grateful to you all. I can come here to SR when I feel happy, sad or feel I can offer some support to others. It is a fantastic place with some very special people. I will keep you posted.
Love to you all
xx
I am so grateful to you all. I can come here to SR when I feel happy, sad or feel I can offer some support to others. It is a fantastic place with some very special people. I will keep you posted.
Love to you all
xx
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