How can I sort this situation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 21
How can I sort this situation?
My AP and I have been together for about 8 years, we have two children 5 and 3. He is a binge drinker, can go for weeks without drinking, and then drink for whole weekends at a time. He knows he has a problem, has been for counselling, read lots of books, gone cold turkey, but won't try AA, and is now back in the binging state. When he is not drinking he is often moody and can be very abusive in his language towards me - mocking me as "perfect mother" etc.
I am coming to a point where I can't take it for much longer, feeling very much that whatever he chooses to do with his life, this is not the life for either me or for our two kids. He adores his kids, and treats them well - although does have a short fuse - but the big worry that I have is that if he is alone with them and they're in bed, he sees no problem with getting absolutely out of his head. In fact, the fact that I am not there is actually some sort of trigger for him - liberation if you like.
The worst time this happened, I had gone out babysitting, was due back around 11 pm, but came back much earlier than expected. he was out cold - there was a pan on the stove which had burnt dry - and both the kids asleep upstairs. He wouldn't have heard if the alarms had gone off! As you can imagine, this has now effectively stopped me from going out in the evening. But I can't live like this for ever.
And if we were to split up, I couldn't allow them to go and spend the night at his? But he wouldn't countenance not being able to see them. How could I enforce this? It is all very well letting him go his own way, and I do feel ready to do this - I don't want to rescue him any more, but how can I sort this right for the kids? They love their dad and would be very sad without him
Has anyone got any experience, or hints for me?
Many thanks
I am coming to a point where I can't take it for much longer, feeling very much that whatever he chooses to do with his life, this is not the life for either me or for our two kids. He adores his kids, and treats them well - although does have a short fuse - but the big worry that I have is that if he is alone with them and they're in bed, he sees no problem with getting absolutely out of his head. In fact, the fact that I am not there is actually some sort of trigger for him - liberation if you like.
The worst time this happened, I had gone out babysitting, was due back around 11 pm, but came back much earlier than expected. he was out cold - there was a pan on the stove which had burnt dry - and both the kids asleep upstairs. He wouldn't have heard if the alarms had gone off! As you can imagine, this has now effectively stopped me from going out in the evening. But I can't live like this for ever.
And if we were to split up, I couldn't allow them to go and spend the night at his? But he wouldn't countenance not being able to see them. How could I enforce this? It is all very well letting him go his own way, and I do feel ready to do this - I don't want to rescue him any more, but how can I sort this right for the kids? They love their dad and would be very sad without him
Has anyone got any experience, or hints for me?
Many thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If his drinking is causing you problems, he has an alcohol problem. Besides, he is putting your children at physical risk! Is that acceptable to you?
For me my thoughts would be whether I wanted my children to grow up with a father providing such a poor model for a father and how men behave in general. Do you want your children learning that binge drinking is an ok thing? Do you want you children learning that verbal abuse toward women is acceptable? Amongst a whole lot of other things, that is what they are learning.
At least part of the reason I ended up married to an alcoholic is what I learned about how adults behave from my alcoholic parents. I am 52 and still unlearning these lessons.
Additionally, what do you want for yourself out of life? Do you see yourself being satisfied with the life you have continuing into the future?
For me my thoughts would be whether I wanted my children to grow up with a father providing such a poor model for a father and how men behave in general. Do you want your children learning that binge drinking is an ok thing? Do you want you children learning that verbal abuse toward women is acceptable? Amongst a whole lot of other things, that is what they are learning.
At least part of the reason I ended up married to an alcoholic is what I learned about how adults behave from my alcoholic parents. I am 52 and still unlearning these lessons.
Additionally, what do you want for yourself out of life? Do you see yourself being satisfied with the life you have continuing into the future?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 21
Thank you Barbara for this guidance. I guess I keep needing to hear this, and I am very conscious that I cannot put my children in physical danger. And he has sworn to me that he will not drink when he is in sole charge. And yet he has. Which I still find astonishing, although of course I should know better.
My dilemma is that if things carry on in the same pattern, then how in reality can I stop him looking after the children sometimes overnight, legally how can I stop this, and practically how can I stop this. He will continue to insist to me and to others that he will not drink when they're around - but of course that means nothing. And our children will be confused by this. But as you point out, of course this is better than them growing up being confronted by this situation day by day.
My APs father was an alcoholic, ended up comitting suicide (in their house), and his mother had all sorts of mental problems, so he has a lot of demons. He's confronted them, and is very conscious he doesn't want his children to be put through the same - and yet carries on with this behaviour. Much as I have read, talked, seen here, I still find it hard to comprehend, and do feel rather weary with it all - the new beginnings, the relapses, etc etc
My dilemma is that if things carry on in the same pattern, then how in reality can I stop him looking after the children sometimes overnight, legally how can I stop this, and practically how can I stop this. He will continue to insist to me and to others that he will not drink when they're around - but of course that means nothing. And our children will be confused by this. But as you point out, of course this is better than them growing up being confronted by this situation day by day.
My APs father was an alcoholic, ended up comitting suicide (in their house), and his mother had all sorts of mental problems, so he has a lot of demons. He's confronted them, and is very conscious he doesn't want his children to be put through the same - and yet carries on with this behaviour. Much as I have read, talked, seen here, I still find it hard to comprehend, and do feel rather weary with it all - the new beginnings, the relapses, etc etc
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
My dilemma is that if things carry on in the same pattern, then how in reality can I stop him looking after the children sometimes overnight, legally how can I stop this, and practically how can I stop this. He will continue to insist to me and to others that he will not drink when they're around - but of course that means nothing. And our children will be confused by this. But as you point out, of course this is better than them growing up being confronted by this situation day by day.
I get the feeling from your posts that you do know what you need to do but I think you are putting the cart before the horse right now. First of all, make arrangements to leave if you realize that your A's drinking is not going to improve and that your children, you and your physical well-being (house!) could always be at risk. Start journalling these episodes so that you have a record to show to a lawyer when you are talking about custody BUT!!....one step at a time. Don't worry about what MIGHT happen down the road. Control what you can control now.
ARL
I get the feeling from your posts that you do know what you need to do but I think you are putting the cart before the horse right now. First of all, make arrangements to leave if you realize that your A's drinking is not going to improve and that your children, you and your physical well-being (house!) could always be at risk. Start journalling these episodes so that you have a record to show to a lawyer when you are talking about custody BUT!!....one step at a time. Don't worry about what MIGHT happen down the road. Control what you can control now.
ARL
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, Inahurry, and welcome to SR.
Please don't minimise the verbal abuse and short-temperedness with the kids. He is modelling behaviour for them that can seriously harm their emotional wellbeing.
I urge you to consult with a family solicitor. Many of them will give you a free consultation, as well as guiding you through Legal Aid if necessary. Personal recommendation is best, so if you have any friends that have been divorced, ask them if they rate their solicitor. Having information is critical in these situations, such as knowing the likelihood of supervised contact etc. It is such a balance between maintaining contact with the father vs thier risk of being harmed that outside advice might be the best thing. Also, are you able to seek counselling?
Oh, and you must document and date every instance of behaviour that is of concern. As well as getting yourself to al-anon, coda or counselling for you own sake.
((((hugs))))
Please don't minimise the verbal abuse and short-temperedness with the kids. He is modelling behaviour for them that can seriously harm their emotional wellbeing.
I urge you to consult with a family solicitor. Many of them will give you a free consultation, as well as guiding you through Legal Aid if necessary. Personal recommendation is best, so if you have any friends that have been divorced, ask them if they rate their solicitor. Having information is critical in these situations, such as knowing the likelihood of supervised contact etc. It is such a balance between maintaining contact with the father vs thier risk of being harmed that outside advice might be the best thing. Also, are you able to seek counselling?
Oh, and you must document and date every instance of behaviour that is of concern. As well as getting yourself to al-anon, coda or counselling for you own sake.
((((hugs))))
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well the SMART thing to do would be getting you and the kids out of a household with an alcoholic.
That’s pretty simple.
I person that does not even go to AA speaks volumes.
Alanon meetings are in order for you.
I know we all wish we could FIX something like this over night, but in the real world it’s not like that.
Protecting the children is 1st and foremost.
That’s pretty simple.
I person that does not even go to AA speaks volumes.
Alanon meetings are in order for you.
I know we all wish we could FIX something like this over night, but in the real world it’s not like that.
Protecting the children is 1st and foremost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 21
thank you all for your comments; all your practical ideas are what I need. The emotional thing is harder, but for me it's all about staying directed, true to myself (+ kids), and keeping to what I believe is the right path. If AP is not willing/able to change, then I have to be the catalyst of the change. As a thousand people have said before me - what frustrates me is the kind, nice person that I sometimes see, that I started off with, and who has so many hopes and dreams - I just do want it all to be all right and for him to wake up to morrow and say "I'm cured!".
But the real change would be for him to take some responsibility, and I think he is waiting for me to do that. So perhaps it is time for me to take that role. There is an Al anon meeting near here. I haven't been yet. I suppose I always have it as my security blanket (if things get that bad.....)
But the real change would be for him to take some responsibility, and I think he is waiting for me to do that. So perhaps it is time for me to take that role. There is an Al anon meeting near here. I haven't been yet. I suppose I always have it as my security blanket (if things get that bad.....)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Inahurry, there is something we say in Al-Anon that sounds so simple, yet it really packs a lot of meaning for me everytime I hear it:
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
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