Why is it so hard?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Why is it so hard?
Earlier this week my AH called to let me know he would be stopping by the house to pick up a tool to put a table together. I took the opportunity to ask him if he planned to get the rest of his things out of the house now that he has signed a 12 month lease somewhere. There was a long pause, he asked me, do you want me to take all of my things? I let him know that it made no sence to keep the majority of his stuff at the house while he is living elsewhere.
He was surprised by this. I don't think I have led him to believe we would rekindle but for what ever those reasons are, he was still believing it. I also told him that I didn't see us getting back together. He was also shocked by this statement and wondered why. The interesting thing is that I have told him time and time again that as long as he is drinking, there is NO chance of reconcilling. We have been apart for five months now and there have been no changes, lots of talk and promises but no changes. I told him this. He thought that he had done a lot by offering to cut down and most recently to quit (conditional on moving back in). I let him know that without action, nothing changes.
He also still hasn't owed up to his part with the lying, the other woman... and thinks he has done nothing wrong. He has been doing everything in his power to wear me down and just say, okay, move back in, let's forget about everything that has happened, and the only thing it's doing is wearing me out.
So, I am remaining strong with my boundries yet it still feels very uncomfortable to me. I stilll wonder what he's doing and who he's with and yet I don't want him with me. I really don't like this emotional roller coaster ride, it's crazy.
He was surprised by this. I don't think I have led him to believe we would rekindle but for what ever those reasons are, he was still believing it. I also told him that I didn't see us getting back together. He was also shocked by this statement and wondered why. The interesting thing is that I have told him time and time again that as long as he is drinking, there is NO chance of reconcilling. We have been apart for five months now and there have been no changes, lots of talk and promises but no changes. I told him this. He thought that he had done a lot by offering to cut down and most recently to quit (conditional on moving back in). I let him know that without action, nothing changes.
He also still hasn't owed up to his part with the lying, the other woman... and thinks he has done nothing wrong. He has been doing everything in his power to wear me down and just say, okay, move back in, let's forget about everything that has happened, and the only thing it's doing is wearing me out.
So, I am remaining strong with my boundries yet it still feels very uncomfortable to me. I stilll wonder what he's doing and who he's with and yet I don't want him with me. I really don't like this emotional roller coaster ride, it's crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I know it's hard, but I think you've done just great!
Maybe the following passage will be helpful to you.
Flack from Setting Boundaries
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That’s okay. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don’t have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don’t have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they’ll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. I people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flak when we stop. That’s normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That’s okay. That’s flack too.
We don’t have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we’ve decided we want and need to change. We don’t have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn’t deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
Maybe the following passage will be helpful to you.
Flack from Setting Boundaries
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That’s okay. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don’t have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don’t have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they’ll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. I people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flak when we stop. That’s normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That’s okay. That’s flack too.
We don’t have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we’ve decided we want and need to change. We don’t have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn’t deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
ICU - thanks for the passage, it does help to remind me that for every action, there is a reaction and I just need to worry about my actions.
Denny - thank you. I can't wait until I feel great too. Some days I do and some days I don't. I know with time it will get better and better.
Denny - thank you. I can't wait until I feel great too. Some days I do and some days I don't. I know with time it will get better and better.
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