Guess I should introduce myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 3
Guess I should introduce myself.
As with all of our life stories, it can be LONG, hey? So I'll try to be brief.
Hi, I'm a 53 year old mostly housewife! (I take jobs on and off when it was necessary- right now, I'm the daycare for a son's kid) Been married to my hubby for 32 years now.
He's THE best husband a woman could ask for, in all reality. He's worked his butt off for us- we had 5 kids and a bunch of Fosters, too. We still take in "strays". We have one guy living in our basement right now even.
My husband didn't always drink like he is now. It was a build up over the past. It started innocently about five years into our marriage. He took up a new career and would stop after work with the co-workers. And not all the time either. When the kids were very little, he'd be home evenings to help out with bedtimes, etc.
He worked out of town a LOT too- of course, I can bet he drank more at those times, too-that is what the co-workers did!
As the years went by- and the children grew older, his bar stops before home were getting longer when he did stop, and more frequent.
And THE THING that rips my heart to pieces is that we were SO active in our church! Awana leaders and all. This man will tell you how much He love Christ and Christ loves him.....blah blah blah is what it all sounds like to me now.
He had gotten confronted with his drinking by our church group and of course, he defends his drinking as "God's in total control of EVERYTHING that happens!! I'm okay! I'm NOT legalistic!!!!!!! geeeesh"
So he stopped being involved in church, natch. I feel like an idiot. Like people gossip or feel sorry for me or whatever. NOT my core friends, but you know, in general.
Over the past three years, hubby's gotten pretty bad. Closing the bar down! Really being plastered when he got home.
I'd just state to him next day- "WHAT game are you playing? Why won't you face up to the fact that this ISN'T "okay" with God? What will it take?"
When I try to get him to figure out why he is drinking like this, he ADMITS "It's just FUN" Of course barflys have good buds- I've stopped in to see him often while he is there and of course there's a lot of "friends", they play pool, darts, etc. But I don't LIKE the bar scene. I can't stand the foul language, the smoke, so many of those people- you really DO NOT want them as friends, lots of them are pretty criminal element-types. I go home.
FINALLY he got a DUI. It was only a matter of when, not if.....
I thought that this may be his wake-up call. NOT. Five months of having to have someone take him to work or taking a chance driving with no license and the fines and the HIGH ins now hasn't stopped him.
It's not like we have a troubled relationship either! Our kids are grown, we bought a cool little camper, we have taken lots of jaunts. We go out on "dates" regular. We still have plenty of ......."intimacy"
We now have grandkids and are enjoying them a LOT. We still have our super close core friends to get together with.
Yet- he KNOWS that there is some tarnishing of what I think of him! I tell him honestly that I've lost a lot of respect for him because what he preaches doesn't line up AT ALL with his actions. The man is STILL doing Prison Visit Ministry with some church guys. I ask- "HOW can you be teaching those men in prison that Christ is the answer to their life, when obviously- Jesus ISN'T enough for YOUR life- your drink has also become a god to you- you've become double-minded"
He is chagrined enough to now be back to the younger years- he stops, but comes home around nine, and not as lit. He doesn't want another DUI, he says. It's plain as the nose on my face he is attempting to "control" it, become just a social drinker...
I can see sadly sadly that with his "fence-sitting" there is more "bottom" to come. I do not see him being one of the people who can just take a drink occasionally. He's got to STOP, period.
I'm sorta freaking. I think, at MY age- I want security! Retirement is coming soon. I get feelings now of wishing HIS name wasn't on any of our property! He's angering me because what sort of man is he showing me to be, to be risking everything he's worked for all his life for a very stupid thing- an illusional alcoholic temporary moment from time to time? Life has so much more to offer for fullfillment than a drunken haze.
It's getting quite depressing.
OH- he even GOES TO AA once a week- it was court-ordered after the DUI.
that's it in a nutshell.
Hi, I'm a 53 year old mostly housewife! (I take jobs on and off when it was necessary- right now, I'm the daycare for a son's kid) Been married to my hubby for 32 years now.
He's THE best husband a woman could ask for, in all reality. He's worked his butt off for us- we had 5 kids and a bunch of Fosters, too. We still take in "strays". We have one guy living in our basement right now even.
My husband didn't always drink like he is now. It was a build up over the past. It started innocently about five years into our marriage. He took up a new career and would stop after work with the co-workers. And not all the time either. When the kids were very little, he'd be home evenings to help out with bedtimes, etc.
He worked out of town a LOT too- of course, I can bet he drank more at those times, too-that is what the co-workers did!
As the years went by- and the children grew older, his bar stops before home were getting longer when he did stop, and more frequent.
And THE THING that rips my heart to pieces is that we were SO active in our church! Awana leaders and all. This man will tell you how much He love Christ and Christ loves him.....blah blah blah is what it all sounds like to me now.
He had gotten confronted with his drinking by our church group and of course, he defends his drinking as "God's in total control of EVERYTHING that happens!! I'm okay! I'm NOT legalistic!!!!!!! geeeesh"
So he stopped being involved in church, natch. I feel like an idiot. Like people gossip or feel sorry for me or whatever. NOT my core friends, but you know, in general.
Over the past three years, hubby's gotten pretty bad. Closing the bar down! Really being plastered when he got home.
I'd just state to him next day- "WHAT game are you playing? Why won't you face up to the fact that this ISN'T "okay" with God? What will it take?"
When I try to get him to figure out why he is drinking like this, he ADMITS "It's just FUN" Of course barflys have good buds- I've stopped in to see him often while he is there and of course there's a lot of "friends", they play pool, darts, etc. But I don't LIKE the bar scene. I can't stand the foul language, the smoke, so many of those people- you really DO NOT want them as friends, lots of them are pretty criminal element-types. I go home.
FINALLY he got a DUI. It was only a matter of when, not if.....
I thought that this may be his wake-up call. NOT. Five months of having to have someone take him to work or taking a chance driving with no license and the fines and the HIGH ins now hasn't stopped him.
It's not like we have a troubled relationship either! Our kids are grown, we bought a cool little camper, we have taken lots of jaunts. We go out on "dates" regular. We still have plenty of ......."intimacy"
We now have grandkids and are enjoying them a LOT. We still have our super close core friends to get together with.Yet- he KNOWS that there is some tarnishing of what I think of him! I tell him honestly that I've lost a lot of respect for him because what he preaches doesn't line up AT ALL with his actions. The man is STILL doing Prison Visit Ministry with some church guys. I ask- "HOW can you be teaching those men in prison that Christ is the answer to their life, when obviously- Jesus ISN'T enough for YOUR life- your drink has also become a god to you- you've become double-minded"
He is chagrined enough to now be back to the younger years- he stops, but comes home around nine, and not as lit. He doesn't want another DUI, he says. It's plain as the nose on my face he is attempting to "control" it, become just a social drinker...
I can see sadly sadly that with his "fence-sitting" there is more "bottom" to come. I do not see him being one of the people who can just take a drink occasionally. He's got to STOP, period.
I'm sorta freaking. I think, at MY age- I want security! Retirement is coming soon. I get feelings now of wishing HIS name wasn't on any of our property! He's angering me because what sort of man is he showing me to be, to be risking everything he's worked for all his life for a very stupid thing- an illusional alcoholic temporary moment from time to time? Life has so much more to offer for fullfillment than a drunken haze.
It's getting quite depressing.
OH- he even GOES TO AA once a week- it was court-ordered after the DUI.
that's it in a nutshell.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Hi JackiePaper, and welcome to SR. You're story is certainly an example of how alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't always start being out of control, but as time goes on, left untreated, it certainly does get worse.
Your story also shows how 'we' also get used to the effects of another's drinking patterns. Many of us minimize what's happening as we go along, but eventually, it becomes very clear that we can't deal with it anymore. That's when we reach out for help.
Have you given Alanon a try yet for you? In addition to coming here, many have found Alanon to be a life saving tool, literally! You might as well.
Keep coming back.
Your story also shows how 'we' also get used to the effects of another's drinking patterns. Many of us minimize what's happening as we go along, but eventually, it becomes very clear that we can't deal with it anymore. That's when we reach out for help.
Have you given Alanon a try yet for you? In addition to coming here, many have found Alanon to be a life saving tool, literally! You might as well.
Keep coming back.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome- sometimes just getting out story out is a good place to start.
I have learned to give up the shame (of having my only son as an addict/alkie)
The more I share with like-minded and work my al-anon recovery program the better I have become as a person. When I stopped taking everyone else's inventory and started taking my own I discovered that there is plenty to work on in my own life.
As one person in the family recovers the relationship will change in way you don't even know today
I have learned to give up the shame (of having my only son as an addict/alkie)
The more I share with like-minded and work my al-anon recovery program the better I have become as a person. When I stopped taking everyone else's inventory and started taking my own I discovered that there is plenty to work on in my own life.
As one person in the family recovers the relationship will change in way you don't even know today
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Well, I know an awful lot about him.
What about you? How do you spend your time? What are your hopes and dreams?
You say he's the best husband you could wish for. Why, then, are you posting on SR? I don't say that to be be mean, I am just puzzled. If I had the best husband a woman could ask for, the last place I would be would be in front of a PC.
Al-anon is a great starting point.
What about you? How do you spend your time? What are your hopes and dreams?
You say he's the best husband you could wish for. Why, then, are you posting on SR? I don't say that to be be mean, I am just puzzled. If I had the best husband a woman could ask for, the last place I would be would be in front of a PC.
Al-anon is a great starting point.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR.
My son is a recovering addict. Attending Alanon meetings and open AA meetings helped me more than I can describe.
I prayed for many years for my son to want to stop. What finally got his attention was spending almost a year in jail, plus losing his car and the option of living with us.
He has been clean for 17 months now. He used for over 10 years and his downward spiral was a terrifying thing for our family, especially for me.
Due to the constant stress, I was forced to change much of my own behavior in order to: not enable him to keep using successfully and to maintain my finances, sanity and health.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie as a good resource as are many other books listed in the sticky threads on the top of the forum page. Alanon has all kinds of books and leaflets that are good too.
I'm glad you found SR, remember that this forum is for YOU to help YOU. There are many here who share what we call ESH: Experience, Strength & Hope.
My son is a recovering addict. Attending Alanon meetings and open AA meetings helped me more than I can describe.
I prayed for many years for my son to want to stop. What finally got his attention was spending almost a year in jail, plus losing his car and the option of living with us.
He has been clean for 17 months now. He used for over 10 years and his downward spiral was a terrifying thing for our family, especially for me.
Due to the constant stress, I was forced to change much of my own behavior in order to: not enable him to keep using successfully and to maintain my finances, sanity and health.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie as a good resource as are many other books listed in the sticky threads on the top of the forum page. Alanon has all kinds of books and leaflets that are good too.
I'm glad you found SR, remember that this forum is for YOU to help YOU. There are many here who share what we call ESH: Experience, Strength & Hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi JackiePaper,
Good to know a little bit more about your life (though I'd love to know more about you too
)
I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found us here.
I see what you mean about it being a great relationship...with one big troublesome element (alcoholism). It seems that you're very much in an "I wish he would stop this behavior but I'm not going to leave" sort of spot. He evidently hasn't reached his bottom yet, JP, I'm sorry to say. I guess it will take more than what he's lost. The only question is: what are YOUR boundaries? How far will you let this influence your life before you put your foot down and say, "If you cross this line I won't be able to stay any longer." ?
I worry for your safety. If he continues this, and gets the two of you in financial disasters, do you have a way to survive? Do you have your own bank account, in your name, with your statements going to a PO box he doesn't have the key to, which you can start building your own security fund in? Do you have a marketable skill that you can turn into a job that will help support you if he lands in the hospital, in jail, or worse?
He will not start to change until he is ready. In the meantime, you can begin to take steps to protect yourself and your future security.
Hugs to you
GL
Good to know a little bit more about your life (though I'd love to know more about you too
)I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found us here.
I see what you mean about it being a great relationship...with one big troublesome element (alcoholism). It seems that you're very much in an "I wish he would stop this behavior but I'm not going to leave" sort of spot. He evidently hasn't reached his bottom yet, JP, I'm sorry to say. I guess it will take more than what he's lost. The only question is: what are YOUR boundaries? How far will you let this influence your life before you put your foot down and say, "If you cross this line I won't be able to stay any longer." ?
I worry for your safety. If he continues this, and gets the two of you in financial disasters, do you have a way to survive? Do you have your own bank account, in your name, with your statements going to a PO box he doesn't have the key to, which you can start building your own security fund in? Do you have a marketable skill that you can turn into a job that will help support you if he lands in the hospital, in jail, or worse?
He will not start to change until he is ready. In the meantime, you can begin to take steps to protect yourself and your future security.
Hugs to you
GL
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by JackiePaper 
"God's in total control of EVERYTHING that happens!!
Alcohol is a trap for many. Our desire for more comes from the alcohol and not always from within ourself.
The bible tells us... confront them, if they don't listen...go with some from the church and confront them again. If they still don't listen...let them wallow in the trappings of their own actions in hopes that they may see the ills of their ways (find their bottom) and return to what they have given up and lost.
The Lord tells us what we need do and Al Anon also tells us the same.
Leave him in God's hands. Continue to pray for him. When he realizes the error of his ways (what alcohol is doing to him) only then will he seek to change.
Boundaries, prayer, and leaving him in God's hands.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
so sorry to hear your grief. be grateful for the positive stuff, happy times, children, nice life and mourn the loss(for now) of that great person you know. he is still there somewhere inside but the alcohol is in control for the time being.
the scary part is your family is indeed at risk financially and shouldn't be after working hard all those years. i would consult an attorney out of love for him, yourself, and your children.
addicts "P...I...S>>S>> away" money that could be used for important things.
the scary part is your family is indeed at risk financially and shouldn't be after working hard all those years. i would consult an attorney out of love for him, yourself, and your children.
addicts "P...I...S>>S>> away" money that could be used for important things.
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