Janitw

I found my XAH cell phone out by the pond this past Sunday. I didn't think it would be a trigger but it is....the last time I touched this phone was the day I physically pushed him out of the house after reading on the divorce papers what his address was....I grabbed this very phone and threw it down the sidewalk hitting the bbq pit. It was sadly not smashed to smitherines.....(the device he used to cheat on me with).

I picked it up out of the mud and looked at it for a long long time and the tears just came. I don't think its been there for very long maybe a month at most. I have no intentions on doing a think with it. Just let things go and be done. And no .... it won't turn on due to the damage from water but I do have to wonder why he was even here at all. He and his hooch have been married a year on the 17th of this month - they couldn't wait but 4 days after our divorce was final to tie the knot.....so whats up with this??? Any feedback from my dear friends here? What are your thoughts you guys?

denny57

I have had to deal with similar things. Some I just tossed in the trash. Others became symbols of letting go. Each letting go ceremony, if you will, brought me to a better place. Are you able to throw it with all your might into that pond?

((()))

kermit

Great advise Denny!

elizabeth1979

Triggers are funn things for me. Once I realize something is a trigger it is easier for me to stop the trainwreck of emotions that can come with them.
Good for you and I agree..can you throw it in the pond?

queenteree

(((Janit))) I remember reading your posts when your divorce was first final and he got married. It takes time for the hurt to go away, and sometimes it never does, it just gets buried somewhere for a while. I would also throw it in the pond. Maybe he was there to see the kids (is he allowed)? Letting things go is hard sometimes. But you are so strong, please know this too shall pass.

Terri

Pick-a-name

Maybe it's as close to an "apology" as you'll get.....


Hope your day is going better.

GiveLove

Personally, I'm a "bash it to smithereens with a claw hammer" kind of girl myself (sorry...does that make me an angry person?)

But throwing it into the pond will do too. Wad it up with all of the damage he brought to your life, all the pain he dealt you, all the suffering. Bundle it all up and throw it all in the pond, and let it go. Or bury it and plant a beautiful tree on top of it. Or, there's always that hammer. Great for dispersing anger...

Hugs to you. You're going to be okay. He's going to be...well...an alcoholic.

GL

ICU

(((Janitw)))

I'm sorry, it must be painful for you. First anniversaries are always the toughest. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You're entitled!

But if I may give my suggestion....don't throw it in the pond on your property. Instead, dispose of it (or it's remnants) in a garbage dump of your choosing. That way next year, you won't look at the pond knowing that the phone is there and reflect back on this year.

Barbara52

LOL That would be my approach to. But I see it as a healthy way to get some of that anger out in a manner that feels good but doesn't hurt any body.

CBrown

Personal preference on my part would be to run over it with the car. Just as he smashed your relationship to smithereens, I'd do the same to his cell phone. Oh, and maybe you can imagine it's him under the tire. HEH HEH HEH!

Whatever you decide, make it a cleansing move!

FormerDoormat

"but I do have to wonder why he was even here at all."

Perhaps he stopped by that pond to reflect on all the things he gave up in his life to feed his addiction and his phone fell out of his pocket without him noticing. I think we want to believe that our addicts have no feelings because it's easier to explain their behavior that way. But I've learned that they have feelings buried deep down inside them. They're not heartless; they're addicts.

Everything about alcoholism is sad. Why not do something positive with that phone? Why not donate it to a woman's shelter so a woman who's taken back her power and is just embarking on a new life can use it for something good?

Janitw

Thanks to all for such wonderful thoughtfulness....where would I be without you all? I do have a bad habit of running his things over with the car.......(such as his guitars...when he would wail out songs in the middle of the night drunk...) so why would this be an exception??? Just my luck tho I would get a flat tire....hmmm....I could send it back to her house with a note that says: "Keep ALL of your trash at your own house...." hmmmmm or I do like the suggestion about the pond.....very much so....I think thats where it will go......the phone will be drowned much like my dreams were...

Thanks to all.... and no.....he has not seen or talked to the kids at all...and hasn't even tried to. He knows that they have gone NC with him anyway and that may be his excuse not to try. Who knows??? The kids are raised and only my daughter who is 23 now is still here....the boys are out on their own. He couldn't care less about any of us not even the grandkids.....who still ask about him all the time.

Janitw

FD.....I would love to believe that he has regrets but he's so sick with the meth and alcohol that I don't think he even feels at all....if I would have to guess....I would say that he was sitting there at the pond only to laugh at the low low low the water level is at this point in time and wondering how will she fix this mess. He always did have a sick sort of humor and was always laughing at others misfortunes. He at least could have picked up his beer cans tho. The bum...

Janitw

FD....the phone is in such bad condition that it will probably never turn on again anyway....it was face down in that mud.....ewww. I did love the idea of donating it to a womans shelter....that would have been great.

Pick-a-name

You know him better than any of us could guess but when I said this may be the closest to an "apology" you might get,I was thinking along the same lines as FD. After what you said about the kids,etc.......even an addict would have to feel that pain sometime....no matter how hard he tries to drown it out.

Who knows?,besides thinking back on what he has lost,perhaps he was hoping to catch a glimpse of your daughter,esp. if the kids are NC. An insecure A with baggage like that would not really be expected to put it on the line knowing that he will almost surely be rejected by trying to contact her or one of the others. jmho.

As much as they try to talk us into believing their "reasons","thinking",etc....I think that they are really trying to convince themselves;after losing so much, I would think it would be an ongoing struggle .

Loving as addict is hell enough; glad I am not one.

jmho

(((Janitw)))

Oceania

I have had the experience of little things concerning him come into my reality, brings a rush of emotions with it every time.

It seems like these things happen for a few days... like several things in a row... and like Denny said, it helps the acceptance process.

Janitw

Thank you to all of you who responded to my thread....