Newbie! Stressing BAD!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 12
Newbie! Stressing BAD!
Hello ALL, I've been reading through the posts and am encouraged but then again stressing! Here's a lil' intro and insight into my life with an alcoholic.
First things first, I have lived with alcoholics all of my life. Both my parents, grandparents, siblings, you name it pretty much they were all alcoholics. I HATED it! I couldn't stand it the bars the fights the physical abuse! Well who knew I'd marry a man who would become an alcoholic. He really isn't that bad yet but i'm scared its only going to get worse.
Before we married he drank on the weekends but later he started drinking during the week too. Then I got prenant with our son and I thought well our first child he'll grow up he was so excited and he just loves our son to pieces. Right after he was born my husband got worse, he even went through what I call his "midlife crisis" was having trouble with jobs, he worked as a construction worker and they all drank all day even on 15 story high buildings then drove an hour home buzzing and sometimes drunk! Well then he had this big idea i'll join the military make our lives better. i specifically asked him "will it help or hurt your alcoholism" he said oh it'll help i wont drink as much! Bull *!@$!!! He joined the seabees and well they all pretty much drink, its like the norm they all have to do it! Don't get me wrong its NOT the military and he does GREAT in the military. Always on time does great work, moving up fast but i'm scared its going to get worse or that.... well crap i dont even know what i'm thinking right now. i sort of think leaving his a good idea but he's just a couple of months away from deployment and i CANT and WONT take our son away from him. And i'm afraid of "seperating" because what if something happens on deployment. i want to be the supportive wife and help him help himself but how do i do that? The thought of leaving scares the hell out of me! I've never been on my own nor do i want to be. i want my marriage to work!
any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Good luck to all of you with your situations!!!!!
First things first, I have lived with alcoholics all of my life. Both my parents, grandparents, siblings, you name it pretty much they were all alcoholics. I HATED it! I couldn't stand it the bars the fights the physical abuse! Well who knew I'd marry a man who would become an alcoholic. He really isn't that bad yet but i'm scared its only going to get worse.
Before we married he drank on the weekends but later he started drinking during the week too. Then I got prenant with our son and I thought well our first child he'll grow up he was so excited and he just loves our son to pieces. Right after he was born my husband got worse, he even went through what I call his "midlife crisis" was having trouble with jobs, he worked as a construction worker and they all drank all day even on 15 story high buildings then drove an hour home buzzing and sometimes drunk! Well then he had this big idea i'll join the military make our lives better. i specifically asked him "will it help or hurt your alcoholism" he said oh it'll help i wont drink as much! Bull *!@$!!! He joined the seabees and well they all pretty much drink, its like the norm they all have to do it! Don't get me wrong its NOT the military and he does GREAT in the military. Always on time does great work, moving up fast but i'm scared its going to get worse or that.... well crap i dont even know what i'm thinking right now. i sort of think leaving his a good idea but he's just a couple of months away from deployment and i CANT and WONT take our son away from him. And i'm afraid of "seperating" because what if something happens on deployment. i want to be the supportive wife and help him help himself but how do i do that? The thought of leaving scares the hell out of me! I've never been on my own nor do i want to be. i want my marriage to work!
any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Good luck to all of you with your situations!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Lived with alcoholics..
Hi.....
I grew up with an alcoholic grandmother living with us. My dad drank some and my mom drank very little. Our growing up years were always centered around what would grandma do this time? I remember saying I wasn't going to be like grandma when I was twelve years old....wisdom??? I ened up just like grandma if not worse. She did quit drinking the year I graduated from highschool but I had the propensity for becoming an alcoholic from both sides of my family.
My dad began drinking more after my brother and I left home. He ended up going to in-patient alcohol treatment and never drank again. My brother has been to treatment multiple times...quit 14 years when he had a suspended ten year sentence over his head....then started drinking again. He is 65 now and still out there all alone and with no one to depend on, as he says. My parents bailed him out of everything all his adult life but I won't. I am 67 and quit drinking 19 years ago. It is wonderful.
They do say we will marry someone that may be simular to our fathers. No one knows how the drinking ends up to be alcoholic for some and not others.
I really can't give you advise....just share my experience and there is HOPE for anyone out there and maybe your husband will see the light before he gets too involved with alcohol.
Good Luck,
kelsh
I grew up with an alcoholic grandmother living with us. My dad drank some and my mom drank very little. Our growing up years were always centered around what would grandma do this time? I remember saying I wasn't going to be like grandma when I was twelve years old....wisdom??? I ened up just like grandma if not worse. She did quit drinking the year I graduated from highschool but I had the propensity for becoming an alcoholic from both sides of my family.
My dad began drinking more after my brother and I left home. He ended up going to in-patient alcohol treatment and never drank again. My brother has been to treatment multiple times...quit 14 years when he had a suspended ten year sentence over his head....then started drinking again. He is 65 now and still out there all alone and with no one to depend on, as he says. My parents bailed him out of everything all his adult life but I won't. I am 67 and quit drinking 19 years ago. It is wonderful.
They do say we will marry someone that may be simular to our fathers. No one knows how the drinking ends up to be alcoholic for some and not others.
I really can't give you advise....just share my experience and there is HOPE for anyone out there and maybe your husband will see the light before he gets too involved with alcohol.
Good Luck,
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi proudmilwife. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you have been reading posts and finding this forum to be helpful. There is alot of good information and resources in the sticky threads too. Alanon meetings also provide good support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR proudmilwife. Glad you found us.
Not much to add at the moment. I just wanted to welcome you and also echo CMC's suggestion of attending Alanon meetings, and doing as much reading here and in the stickie threads at the top of the forum as well. I believe it's best to get as much information as we can to aid us in making very important decisions.
Keep coming back.
Not much to add at the moment. I just wanted to welcome you and also echo CMC's suggestion of attending Alanon meetings, and doing as much reading here and in the stickie threads at the top of the forum as well. I believe it's best to get as much information as we can to aid us in making very important decisions.
Keep coming back.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
The best advice I got from Al-Anon so far?
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it,
And you can't cure it.
Now I would definitely check out Adult Children of Alcoholics here and read some books on it. That sounds like the first thing to get a better understanding of how you are feeling and how you ended up where you are. It's perfectly understandable to be stressed. You are not alone. Join Al-Anon for sure. And take care of yourself and your son. Oh and keeping coming here. The people on these boards understand and are very supportive.
Jenny
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it,
And you can't cure it.
Now I would definitely check out Adult Children of Alcoholics here and read some books on it. That sounds like the first thing to get a better understanding of how you are feeling and how you ended up where you are. It's perfectly understandable to be stressed. You are not alone. Join Al-Anon for sure. And take care of yourself and your son. Oh and keeping coming here. The people on these boards understand and are very supportive.
Jenny
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR glad that you found us! I'm sorry that you dealing with all of this...stick around here and maybe do as CMC suggested I agree. An Al-Anon meeting-at least trying one could not hurt, you came here for support-
Blessings to you
Blessings to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 12
Hey, thanks guys for all the support. i'm trying really hard. I am extremely dedicated to making this work and not leaving but i am still struggling. i figured out the past few days that its " i love him" but i'm "not in love" with him right now. i know the feelings there i'm just so aggravated. i am deffinately going to try the alanon meetings but we've also got to work on communication. he doesnt know i'm feeling this way about the loving him but not in love with him. this site is great! anyone know how to locate alanon meetings?
Thanks again guys! i will vent again later, i'm sure.........
Thanks again guys! i will vent again later, i'm sure.........
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi milwife, I sure do know how to find one 
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
You know, deployment is not easy, and I wont even pretend it is. However, there may be some major benefits for you. Maybe that time can be used for you and your son.
Glad you are here!
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
You know, deployment is not easy, and I wont even pretend it is. However, there may be some major benefits for you. Maybe that time can be used for you and your son.
Glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, "mil," glad you're with us. As an Army wife, let me assure you that worrying about his deployment is an exercise in futility. My mother-in-law spent 30 years as an Army wife, my AH was raised on Army bases, and he followed in his father's footsteps. My father-in-law was a brigade commander in Viet Nam and he was under heavy enemy bombardment for several months. My AH was in Hadithah while stationed in Iraq, and it wasn't pretty. Lots of car bombings and he was sleeping in the hallway of a hydroelectric dam that was taking a lot of hits. I wasn't permitted to know where he was and it was a surreal experience. However, worrying about whether he was alive or not only made me more distressed. I had to get on with the business of living.
Yeah, there's a lot of boozing going on in the military. There is also a rather strict zero-tolerance policy. My AH was getting drunk at the officers' club a lot when he was first commissioned, and when he was stationed in Greenland they were all trashed most of the time. But after almost 20 years in, it caught up with him.
Please let me repeat that to you: IT CAUGHT UP WITH HIM. The disease got progressively worse. His commanding officer ordered him locked up in a 28-day rehab facility in Portsmouth, VA just before he was deployed downrange. He got out of the Army (thankfully, with an honorable discharge), but he kept getting worse. I dragged him in and out of rehabs, AA meetings, church, bible studies, marriage counseling. Tonight he's either dead or just passed out. He's been that way since Monday. I have no idea if he called into work to take a week's "vacation" or what. I cannot hold this marriage together by myself. I cannot be married alone. I finally detached.
Please go talk to a chaplain. Believe me, my chaplain understood just what I was going through. They've heard this from lots of wives. I'd also suggest you give Al-Anon a try. Find meetings in your area. People there will understand what you're going through. You cannot fix your husband. You cannot make him stop drinking. All you can do is take care of yourself and your child.
Yeah, there's a lot of boozing going on in the military. There is also a rather strict zero-tolerance policy. My AH was getting drunk at the officers' club a lot when he was first commissioned, and when he was stationed in Greenland they were all trashed most of the time. But after almost 20 years in, it caught up with him.
Please let me repeat that to you: IT CAUGHT UP WITH HIM. The disease got progressively worse. His commanding officer ordered him locked up in a 28-day rehab facility in Portsmouth, VA just before he was deployed downrange. He got out of the Army (thankfully, with an honorable discharge), but he kept getting worse. I dragged him in and out of rehabs, AA meetings, church, bible studies, marriage counseling. Tonight he's either dead or just passed out. He's been that way since Monday. I have no idea if he called into work to take a week's "vacation" or what. I cannot hold this marriage together by myself. I cannot be married alone. I finally detached.
Please go talk to a chaplain. Believe me, my chaplain understood just what I was going through. They've heard this from lots of wives. I'd also suggest you give Al-Anon a try. Find meetings in your area. People there will understand what you're going through. You cannot fix your husband. You cannot make him stop drinking. All you can do is take care of yourself and your child.
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