She wants time to her self now she is sober
 

My wife of 4 years has just started AA. She has 116 days sober. She is the love of my life and now into her recovery she is saying that she needs time to her self and is thinking of moving out with our 4 year old son. What should I do?

You're kidding, she goes from being an active alcoholic to wanting to take your 4-year-old son in under 4 months? I think sobriety is taken seriously after about a year. I'd fight her like hell in court for physical custody.

Is it possible she is having an affair with someone from AA? It happens more frequently than you think. ( I know from personal experience.) Drunks love a drunk.

Im sorry for the sitch you going through.

But here is what you can do,,, nothing.
That’s right, nothing. There here issues that she must deal with that go far before you met her.
They are all the loves of our lives, that’s the way we all feel.

But as we all have learned there is more then meets the eye.

Let her go and if she comes back, sober, then it will be a great thing.

don't let her take the baby.

I belive it.
obviously, she dosen't follow directions very good and she still suffers
from taking things to the extreem and it's still all about me, me, me.
and a bit of confusion for no relationships in the first year of recovery.

There's no such thing stating that in AA, but hey, alkis are notoriouse
for being confuse and making sheit up as they go. and actaully not reading
the books and following directions.
it's a treament center rule..becuase for obviouse reasons you don't want
a treament center to be a ***** house.

if she wants time alone as she saids give her time alone, don't let her
take the baby. Never know what other extreem sheit she'll make up with the baby.

Sorry about your problems... from my experince, it's just a tipical sign
of you and I will always get the short end of the stick according to
the way our Alcoholics love one live, think and act.

my gf getting drunk for all those years is and extreem example of it.
now that's she is sober, while her actions are not as amplified.
However the last damn thing she thinks or worries about is how I feel.
Life is unfair...is an understatement living with her.

it's something seriouse to ponder about.

dose she have a sponsor she can call , to balance things out for
her ?

Do you attend Al-Anon?

I am not clear on whether it is her child only, or if it is a child of both of yours?

If it is both, I would fight, and if it is hers, I would be concerned for the child...no telling what brought on the shift. Is she maybe drinking?

Maybe it came out the wrong way. It is not like she is running off with our son. We get along fine. We don't fight, yell or scream like we use to. She wants to be alone. She still loves me. I DON'T KNOW

tell her to call her sponsor

Yes, it's understand able that everybody needs time alone to sort things
out. But it's a bit to the extreem if you're not in WW III.
yes establishing a boundary is helpful for both parties..

but there's other people involve...if you're thinking wtf ???

imagine what your child will go through..your child will be asking
wtf ..in his own way and wondering what he/she did wrong.

becuase the adults do things without talking to the child and
the child has no say in any of it.. the child feels hopeless
and guilty

Imagine that...I have write about my childhood and reparent myself.
dose it effects me as being codependent ?...you bet.

Her sponsor has just did the same thing, but they don't have children

Ouch. Sorry this is happening.

Is it possible to give her the space she needs without having her leave?

Is she feeling like she's suffocating, so she feels she needs to go? Can you let her be alone, or is that not possible for you?

Or does she just want out? Sometimes, and I'm saying this from personal experience, "I need to be alone" is the strangled cry of a person who's really unhappy in her relationship and doesn't know how else to frame it. That was me a few years ago (only the tables were turned -- HE was the alcoholic)

Can you two try counseling to see what's at the root of all this, and see if there's ANY common ground where maybe you could both give a little and not separate except as a last resort? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting, where the families of alcoholics talk about things just like this? It can be really life-saving. There's a lot of good ideas in those rooms, and a lot of peace of mind can be gained.

Good luck
GL

We had started counseling and that is what had gotten her into AA. We have been seeing a councelor once a week up to about 2 weeks ago. Guess I need to call our councelor tommorow. It is to the point now that we are more like roommates with a child instead of a husband and wife.

???

Is her sponser a man? Have you heard the infamous line " I love you, but I am not in love with you" yet?

I hope she does need some space. But AA "can be" a cesspool of deliquents that prey on the vulnerable addict in the early stages of recovery. This is by no means an indictment of all AA groups or members. The program works, if the addict works the program.

But often addicts seek out out those who enable their addictions......they form bonds with those with similar problems. They mirror each other feelings, and its easy to blame your spouse, parents, whoever.... for your problems.

I hope this is not the case with your wife......I would not even challenge her on this topic............... But I would be observant.

I agree...if she wants out, make sure you get sole custody of the kids until she can prove sobreity...as we saw the brittany spears this week...more and more courts will give custody to the sober parent

I would also venture to say the A at AA relates very well and has a lot in common (a strong bond) with other recovering A's. Sadly, this camaraderie can be quite strong. The A is able to re-live the drinking by sharing and listening. I guess it is a wishful thinking to be drinking again. Additionally, the AA group in a way substitutes the old drinking buddies group.
I would not stop her but I would look to protect the child. I would speak with local police and child protective services for advice re this

Unfortunately, this is sometimes very true...XABF's sponsor used to be our couples counselor - he was untastefully rude to me when I went to see XABF get his 6 mo chip and I ran into him there. It left me thinking I was being punished for something...when XABF was the lying, dishonest creep.

XABF took everything that everyone in AA said as proven fact - regardless of where in recovery they were. It benefited him greatly. He couldn't think for himself, so he got others to tell him what to do and could blame them for his bad choices - very convenient. It was like he got rid of his frat buddies and replaced them with the people in AA.

When XABF showed up at my door to throw me out of his life after months of re-building a friendship (we weren't fighting either) he said this was the advice he got from "everyone in AA". I highly doubt true recovering A's would advise someone only months into recovery to lie to their best friend for a week, hide what they were truely feeling, and use them to get material items they needed before throwing them out without providing any real explanation other than "we're not compatible".

As you can tell, I hold a lot of resentment over the role his AA played in my life - which is unfortunate as AA has helped and greatly benefited the lives of so many and has been one of the best educators of alcoholism for me.