hbb

As you know my exabf's sister in law passed away over the weekend and i've been coping with that and did have my therapist today and she agreed with you guys that a card is perfect.

Well his mother just called me. I was shocked. We talked for 1/2 hour, she called because she didn't want me to read the news in the paper where i had to tell her that i heard through my roommate and her school. She forgot about that. Anyways she was telling me the turn of events and i told her i hoped she understood why i didn't call when i heard the news and why it would be hard to go to the services.

I then turned the conversation to my exabf because she mentioned that he was still sober and going to 4-5 meetings a week which is WONDERFUL and i totally told her that. I did ask her if she knew what happened between us, touching lightly because of the current circumstances so she said she only knew what he said and that "we were on a break". I then went on to tell her well it was more than that and something i could never probably get over and move past with him (as fire is coming out of my ears). She said she never pryed with him or got involved and he never devulged OF COURS NOT WHY WOULD HE ADMIT HE CHEATED AND LIED. Anyways, i asked her if he ever mention us in the past few months and she said no, my name hasnt come up since then.

I don't even know how to feel, act, react, nothing. Other than i know in the past he's never devulged to his parents about past relationships or discussed with them whats going on with him. It saddens me more than you will ever know if he doesn't give a crap about the past year we shared. But i gotta beleive that maybe on his own time he did get upset alone at home but hasn't showed it. God, i am so confused and don't know if what i said was wrong or right but have NO choice but to get past this. What a jerk, i'm so hateful right now. She went on and on about how tired he was and talking alot to his sponsor, blah blah blah. What about me? Does he even care the turmoil and hurt he's caused life?

I seriously don't know whether to kiss the ground i'm not a part of this guys/families life or cry. And maybe he does have a conscience and is huring for what happened and knows i'm done. I just really really needed to vent.

Thanks.

parentrecovers

do not let those people hurt you anymore, hbb. stay away from him and his family as much as you can..

blessings, k

hopeangel

hey sweetie, i know this has sent you into a whirlwind. i understand. it seems to me that you are devoting a lot of your mental energy on this guy and his family. do you really want to give him more space in your head?

don't worry, this can be just a temporary setback. you can get back on track. also, you really can't expect an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic to be able to think about anything but themselves or staying sober. it is a very selfish disease. your expecting something that he can't give hon.

take care.

Barbara52

You need to find a way to move beyond caring what that man says, does or doesn't do. You are tearing yourself up over a man you know you don't belong with, that you are glad is out of your life. What does it matter what he says, does or doesn't do? It no longer affects you unless you choose to allow that.

As for his not telling him mother that you guys have split, my AH hasn't told him mother that I moved out and we are getting a divorce yet. His choice. Especially since I rarely talked to her over the 4 years we've been married.

elizabeth1979

I like your avatar hbb.


Well, there are stages of his recovery too and he may not really be at the point where he makes amends.
I eventually learned that my ex only did ot me what I let him do.

What does your therapist say about all this?

hbb

My therapist agrees with me and that not seeing him in months or talking that going to a wake is not the right time or place. I do feel glad that i didn't stoop to his level and blurt out all the dirty laundry that went on. I was glad to talk to her and she's the type that if she thought i was the bad guy she would have nothing to do with me. She asked me to go to bingo and said she was going to call me and i told her it would be too hard to seperate the two right now.

I'm trying to keep the focus that yes Thursday and Friday will be tough and part of me feels i should go for his brother's sake but then reality sets in that Saturday what happened between he and i is still the issue at hand and hasn't gone away. So i think for now it's just a bump in the road as you have said and hopefully i can get on track.

CBrown

Oh Heather. We're both caught in a whirlwind. I just got news tonight that the XABF is going to marry the barwench he took back. Yes, I turned him down because there's no way I could marry a man in his condition! So it's not that. I am just going through the same emotions as you are about how a man can go and say what he does to either you or me, then move on like nothing happened.

I asked my friend Dale ... "Do you think this is all revenge toward me?" She paused and said "No, I think he's insane and it doesn't matter what woman he marries, he's just determined to go to London and marry someone." So those things I refused to do, any woman would have been okay, right?

Heather, if you figure out how to stay away from the insanity, let me know. It's a double-edged sword for both of us. The more of the reality you know, the less your mind can play tricks on you and make you want to go back to him. But with every revelation (like your XBF not mentioning you or thinking about you) its like a sword right through the heart. It seems like we gave our hearts and souls to these creeps, they faked the whole thing, and it never mattered what woman they faked it with. I'm so disillusioned. You know, I do NOT wish my XABF any harm because I think he's going to get his in the end, but I certainly can understand why some people take the law in their own hands. Does that make any sense?

respektingme

Hollllld up, did you forget what alcoholics do? Did you think yours might be different? (ha, don't we all think ours is different)

Alcoholics DON'T THINK ABOUT OTHERS!!! Remember???????????

It's allll about him. It always will be about him. That's the answer to every single thing you mentioned. Look, this guy is out of your life. Don't bring him back in. Don't let him take up more space in your head. Who has room for people who are so self-absorbed? Their thinking is so twisted! Be glad he's gone.

CBrown

C, that's exactly what my friend said to me last night on the phone. "I'm just glad it isn't YOU he's marrying" she said.

Heather, all these things said cannot hurt you in the long run, they can only help you. My friend and I have heard this said so many times in the last 2-3 months it got to be weird. "The truth shall set you free! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!!"

We need to be free from the insanity! They're not listening to us, they don't care about us, and they will bring us down.

cagefree

There's still a part of me that does wish for him to get what he did...but that's slowly being replaced with making myself happy and validating the reality of the situation for myself.

The reality is that about a year ago he acknowledged he needed to change something and set out to do it. That's all I need to know.

Attending meetings, seeing a counselor and having a sponsor did not change him into the man I had always wanted him to be...in fact, I believe he became worse, was pushed to his personal limits and when things got tough for him, others got hurt.

Despite this, he still tries to contact me, even though I have never contacted him in return. He does not respect my boundaries, he does not show humility when he does try to contact me, he never returned all items months ago that belonged to me (from my other thread )

The best thing he did for me was something he thought he was doing for himself...He threw me out.

Make plans to do something fun for you this weekend, call some friends and make plans to go to a new restuarant in town or sign up for a basket weaving class...do for you...and thinking of him will fall by the wayside.

hbb

Attending meetings, seeing a counselor and having a sponsor did not change him into the man I had always wanted him to be...in fact, I believe he became worse, was pushed to his personal limits and when things got tough for him, others got hurt.

The best thing he did for me was something he thought he was doing for himself...He threw me out.

I know exactly what you mean about going to meetings, having a sponsor and getting worse and i did get hurt the worst in the end. I told my friend last night that he's the type if i treated him like absolute dog poo that i would probably still be with him. I don't get it, and not sure i ever will. I know in the longrun it will be best that we are not together but i guess since i've been the only one that he has ever dumped, is a huge blow. Maybe i should look at the big picture and that everyone else left him for these same reasons.....I really am having a hard time and not sure if i believe there is that light at the end of the tunnel anymore....

sunshine321

Have you read "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Routola-Behrendt? Just a suggestion. Maybe it can help you.

Jenny

elizabeth1979

Ahh, hon. Sounds like you may be blaming yourself entirely too much. Self-assesment and reflection is not the same as self-blame and doubt.

I felt like this each time my ex and I separated. What is your light at the end, in your mind? My light was him being the person I wanted him to be and he just wasnt that guy.
There is a light at the end, but you have to know what you want your end result for YOUR life to be, before you can find it

hbb

I honestley don't know what my light is anymore. I'm not really sure why i'm so devestated by this whole break up...there really is nothing to hold onto and i don't think there ever was. I think my light was for him to be the person i was looking for, he played the role all this time. I guess deep down inside it hurts me to think that he may have never cared or loved me. I'm really depressed at the thought of him being like "whatever about her, i could care less what i've done". It hurts.

Barbara52

Could it be that underlying it all is anger at yourself for having gotten into the relationship? I know that was true for me. I had to forgive myself before I could begin to recover and move on.

cagefree

He loved you only as much as someone who is unavailable to be in healthy relationships can.

Expectations are key. You can expect someone who is unavailable to be in healthy relationships to hurt you. You can expect them to lie, cheat, run from committment.

He's in the beginning stages of recovery - he's not available to be in healthy relationships for quite some time. You want healthy - I can hear it...That is why he can't give you what you need, which is to know that he loves you in the same way an available person would.

hbb

Ummm I think partly, we had alot of issues as Christmas and as horrible as it sounds, i wish i didn't continue down this road with him after that. It's when he stopped drinking but i thought this was perfect, he would stop drinking, we would get married, have kids and live a happy life. Because i didn't know anything about alcoholism personally and naive to the massive changes and the process.

He loved you only as much as someone who is unavailable to be in healthy relationships can.

I believe that to be true, but being of a healthy mind it's hard to fathom that. I guess part of me thought well take away the booze and he will be healthy and we would be good to go!

He's in the beginning stages of recovery - he's not available to be in healthy relationships for quite some time.

I know, guess i thought we would work together on this. I stood by and supported EVERYTHING that came his way, stuck through the hardest part, his sister in law that passed away, her drug issues. Guess it's my fault for giving so much of myself to him and his family.

I think i just can't get past the part of him sneaking away, that's been the biggest blow to me, i probably shouldn't be shocked but i truly am, i thought i knew him better and NEVER mistrusted him EVER....

hbb

Guess i'm a slow learner/healer

hbb

Oh i thought it might be a possitive thing too, maybe her calling was the door i needed to close for good. I dropped the card in the mail today, finished, nothing more to do but get back to me and my life. I know it's a speed bump and it will pass. But i haven't looked at it like you mentioned and i should. About being stuck isn't necesserily a bad thing and that i am moving ahead and not backwards, just a pause if you will!! With all the work he needs to do to get himself better, i'll be 90 and in a nursing home if i wait around (no offense to those 90!!!!). Thanks for the clearer picture

GiveLove

You appear to be imprisoned by this. Now, you could be locked in the cell, or you could have the key in your pocket, or the door could be wide open and you're still staying in there.... Only you know which one might be true.

Do everything you can to clear him out of your mind, Heather. There is a slim little book called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" -- it's difficult reading, but true, and has lots of small actions you can take in the course of a normal everyday day that will help kick those thoughts out of your head when they creep back in. You should be able to find one on http://abebooks.com for a buck or so.

You know you need to move on. Ask your therapist to give you more tools for doing so. A joy-filled life could bump into you on a street corner and you wouldn't recognize it right now, you're too busy obsessing about things that are long past and thankfully so. It's a shame to see you still in so much pain. Steer clear of his family and friends too. Resist the temptation to "connect" with him in any way. Let yourself go.