LGLG07

I need some advice , not really sure what Im supposed to do in this situation , if anything .

Still have restraining order against AH . Its been about 2 1/2 months now . Hes been sober for about 7 wks . During that time I did speak to him a little bit concerning the kids and he would always tell me that he was doing good and that he loved me . blah blah blah . I would tell him I was happy for him that he was doing well and feeling good and to keep it up , if for nothing else , for the kids . He lives 2 hrs away with his cousin so the visitation has been tricky since we cannot see each due to the restraint . I have been driving the kids there on Sundays and dropping them off w/him (his cousin is home) and then picking them up and driving home . I know I dont have to do this but it is important to me that the kids spend time with their dad and that he see them as well and under the circumstances it works out ok .

This was a very bad weekend . I did something that I shouldnt have done . His Aunt had a party and I agreed to go with the kids , give me a chance to see some family members . He was going to show up late and when he got there I would leave . Well I didnt leave right away and we talked a little bit , nothing too heavy but he did ask if I would consider dropping the restraining order since he was on the right track and it would make things much easier for me because he would be able to drive to our house to see the kids instead of me doing all the driving on my day off . Of course that was translated in my head to 'it would make things much easier for HIM because then he could come & go as he pleases and weasle his way back into our home' . I told him that he just didnt have enough of sobriety for me to feel comfortable but that again he was doing great and as long as he continued I would consider it in the future (never told him near or far future, just future)

After I got home w/the kids and settled them down he called . I answered and we talked . he was in a bad place . said things like he didnt understand why , since he was doing so good , I would refuse to drop the restraining order . that he feels like a criminal and its always in the back of his mind and he cant stand that he cant see his kids whenever he wants to and that he swears if I dropped it he wouldnt want to move back in but it would be a weight off his mind to know that the world didnt see him as a monster . This went on for a couple of hours , I know I should of called the police because it was a violation but I felt that I alrdy violated the order by seeing him earlier in the day so how serious would they have taken me . By yesterday Morning he was in an even worse place . Saying things like he was going to move to CA and live with a friend and not send me any money (hes barely giving me any money now) and never see the kids . After about 3 calls he cousin called me . He had been arrested . He drove his truck into a telephone pole , split it in two , and left the scene of the accident . They suspected he was drunk . There were no skid marks and his airbag didnt deploy so they are also considering this a suicide attempt.

Now there are so many questions running through my mind . If I hadnt seen him maybe he wouldnt of gotten so upset and done this (there was a bottle in his truck so he had been drinking) . And what do I do now ?? If anything at all ?? Did the rules change now that he attempted to kill himself ? Do I forget what I have learned about detachment and go to him and support him and be there for him ? Is this manipulation at the absolute lowest and worst degree ? Is there a way that I can be there for him from a distance ? Send him a letter , card , note ? Picture of the kids ?

If you have been faced with this b4 please tell me your story . I feel like the tides have turned and Im not sure if I should ride the wave or tread the waters for a while.
I just keep asking myself 'what do I feel like doing? what will work for me and not cost me too much emotionally?' but those answers arent coming very easily .

Thanks for reading . M

ICU

Gosh LG, I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation.

But one thing I have learned is, if I'm not sure, if it doesn't feel right in my gut, then wait. Eventually, whatever action I need to take, or not to take, will present itself when the time is right.

I know that's hard to do when emotions are running wild, that's understandable. But perhaps you and the kids are what really needs tending to right now. He's in another place where he will be tended to, by professionals.

I will keep you, your kids, and your husband in my prayers.

Be extra gentle with yourself, ok?

Barbara52

You are in no way or form responsible for his actions!


As I see it you keep doing what you have been doing. Nothing has changed other than him getting into an accident. Whether it was a suicide attempt or not is irrelevant as I see it. And yes, suicide attempts can be a form of manipulation. They can also be a desparate cry for help. But have you changed your mind and now want to be his support system? Why? Perhaps this will be an experience that gets him to seek all the help he needs. But that help shouldn't come from you unless you want to re-enter the drama of his life.

Layla2222

Thank you for sharing
I don't share your exact same experience, but I have a lot of the same questions going through my mind.....
I just posted today about my A's (very recent) suicide attempts & how I feel ....and I received a lot of help/support/advice from people....maybe the thread will help you too? maybe not?
The thread is here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ling-lost.html

Much love & support, Stephanie

Layla2222

Oops, never mind....I see you already read it....I'm glad it was helpful to you :o)

LGLG07

Thank you for your responses . Im asking myself those exact questions Barbara .

I know theres a restraining order but through it all I always let ah know that my
main objective was for him to get well , that I realized I couldnt do that for him , he had to do that by himself . I hoped that after 6 months of sobriety we could have more steady contact and hopefully after a year drop the restraint all together and work on reconciling . Of course there are no guarantees and I have just been taking it one day at a time . I guess this was just me being hopeful . So now that this has happened a part of me does want to let him know that Im sorry for what hes going through and that I still support his recovery , just lovingly from a distance . I definitely dont want any drama .

It seems though that its exactly what Im getting . I spoke to his cousin today who he is staying with . She has always been very good to me and to ah over the past couple of months since he has been at her house . She told me today that she talked to his counselor and was told that ah may be moving to West Palm Beach, FL for a 45 day extended stay . During the conversation I asked her for the counselors ph# so I could talk to her myself . She said she would give it to me but do you mind if I ask why you want to talk to her ? I was kind of taken aback and told her that if he is leaving the state I would like to know since we have four kids and I dont know what to tell them about the situation . She then started to change her story around, suddenly after her trying to convince me to send him a card , she thought it was a bad idea if I contacted him at all . Said over & over again that SHE was the only person he wanted to talk to and that the counselor said SHE should be his only visitor right now and he shouldnt talk to anybody else . I told her that was fine , I didnt want to talk to him (the restraining order prevents that anyway) but that I would like to talk to his counselor , not to get info on him ( I know there are laws preventing that unless there is a consent ) , but to find out how to handle the situation with my kids and since he is our provider I think I should know if he is leaving the state . She then told me that the counselor specifically told her that my ah did not want to talk to me at all and that she didnt want to talk to me either . WTF???? How did she go from , 'I'll give you the number' , to this ????

Then , and this is the kicker , she went on to say that this woman isnt really his counselor anymore since he has been admitted to the hospital .. Ok so then where does she get off saying who he can and cannot see ??? I dont get it at all .

Im not sure I trust her right now and I dont feel very good about this . Does anyone know if I can get any information considering the situation ???

Thanks again everyone!

Barbara52

As you said, without his consent, you can't get any information from any medical provider of any sort.

You can't change anything (as I know you know). You may have to wait and see what he does and whether he leaves, as unsatisfying as that may be. You can re-enter the drama if you feels its what is best for you and your kids. But I would think carefully about whether that is really what is best. There is no rush.

ICU

I just wanted to point something out. If you continue to be in contact with him, involve yourself in his issues, etc. it might be difficult to enforce the RO down the road if you need to. The courts are funny like that....especially if it can be documented that you have willingly been in contact, even if it was on a limited basis.

In light of his current situation, I can certainly understand your concern for him, so that can make it tougher for you. It might be a good time for you to review the reasons as to why you got the RO in the first place...was it to protect you and your children, or, was it in attempt to get him sober? Tough one, huh?

Mr. Christian

Frankly you should be thanking God that he is not around you or the kids.
This guy is a loaded gun and you should stay far away.

Why should you feel sorry for someone that clearly makes choices that are bad for him self?


You have a restraining order going here , contact should not be made on your part either.
Restraining orders do not get people sober, its got to be him does it n his own.
This should be a time that you work on YOU and not a time where you dive into his drama.


Do you have a sponsor in Alanon you can talk to?