need ideas

Old 10-02-2007, 07:54 AM
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need ideas

About 19 years ago my AH decided on his own to quit and did for 10 years. During that time, he didn't go to AA or anything. Life was good.

He thought maybe he matured and could manage drinking so after all that time decided to try drinking again. It went well for quite awhile. But the last couple of years were freaky and unacceptable to me. So about 2 months ago after a BAD night and me about leaving - my AH stopped drinking (no treatment).

He went to about 6 - 7 AA meetings at first then stopped. I got upset because I think he needs to explore himself and to talk about things. When I express my frustration, then he may go to a meeting. I think he goes to shut me up, not because he knows it's necessary for him.

Why do I have to instigate him wanting to be well? He is a good guy and I don't want to have to leave him. But if he isn't interested in making a good life and getting his head together, it doesn't seem like he could care about me. Ya know??

I've read many of you say - that the statistics aren't good for successful sobriety even WITH treatment. So I wonder if I am kidding myself that he can quit basically on his own - ?

One more thing I haven't heard talked about here. When he has quit drinking, he had always said that he doesn't expect me to quit or the world to accommodate him, since it is HIS problem. Long ago when he first quit - I barely touched it. Nowadays I do. I wonder if he will have resentment towards me because I can drink and he can't. The co-dependent in me sometimes feels like if I were a good partner I would stop for him, but then I think of all the million sacrifices I have made for him and think - no.

Anyways, thanks for letting me talk.
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:11 AM
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[QUOTE=Aquarian;1508406Why do I have to instigate him wanting to be well?[/QUOTE]

I thought that was my job, too. It isn't. Attending Al-Anon helped enormously in that regard.

Regarding your own drinking, there have been some great threads on that - you could try a search.

Take care and keep posting!
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:32 AM
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I too felt the same way when My A quit drinking. I was very uncomfortable with his "white knuckling it" approach to not drinking. I felt that being in some kind of program would help him deal with his drinking, and perhaps the many underlying issues.

I have since realized that it is not my choice to make. He must make it on his own, because if he doesn't there will most definitely be resentment and relapse. This I have experienced first hand.

This is near the top of my list of boundaries. Maybe I will share it with him, maybe I will just walk away. Can't say anything for sure right now.

Good luck and keep posting, it really does help. Knowledge is power.

Oops, I forgot to add that it was my own individual choice to not have or consume alcohol in the home. It was solely out of respect. Heck, I didn't even go out and have a few drinks for months. It was only many months later that I felt comfortable enough doing so. It was my choice.
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