confusedgf

I haven't posted in many months. Most of you won't remember me. I spent 3 years in a live in relationship with my now EX A. He would stay sober, sometimes long periods, leave me (say he's moving out) over ridiculous things, a sign he was going on a long bender, then when he was done and back to "I'm an A, I cannot drink, I'm sober and staying this way" he would come home.
He became emotionally destructive to me, once physically, a few times near physically, and eventually VERY emotionally abusive.
I came here several times as I struggled with this. I think I knew the nail was in the coffin of the relationship in March when I went to visit friends in Toronto for a weekend. I was sexually attacked, fought back (Thank god) and managed to get out of a potentially very violent situation without the attacker getting what he wanted. I had damaged cartilage in my nose and a few really large bruises that took over 2 months to heal. EXA thought this was a perfect excuse to book it before I returned home and go on a bender. He began phoning me over and over, drunk, saying all kinds of crass/ignorant things, hateful things, statements about how I must have liked it and how he bet I just laid down and let this attacker take me. It was so sick and twisted. I knew his alcoholism had been taking him to a darker place each time he'd drink, but this was SUCH a disgusting vile place he was in, I was traumatized by HIM, not the attack, I survived the attack relatively unscathed.
Someone I tried once again, which culminated in another bender mid-summer. I did not let him in the house again even to pick up belongings. We had "some" contact for a few weeks, during which it was no longer a weekend bender, it was back to the daily drinking that was his way before him and I met. He stole from my bank account, left me with a load of debt I had no clue existed. He harrassed me, he tormented me. I changed my phone number for the 3rd time since mid-summer about a month ago. I finally made some threats about charging him criminally with abuse from an incident if he did not stop contacting me. I don't believe anything but the threat of jail would have made him stop and leave me alone.
Well .... the proud part ... I'm healing. And healing well! I am able to look back now on the 3 years I thought had so much more good things than bad and realize there was not too much healthy there at all. Definitly helpful in the "move on emotionally" area!!! My blinders came off and I can now see things I missed and recognize them for what they were. I do not miss him, although initially I was so wrapped in his world that I thought I couldn't survive without him. I have no interest in having him back or any contact. My anger/rage at him has nearly faded completely. I'm struggling to get past the financial issues, theft, sticking me with debt that was NOT mine etc. But I've been fixing it on my own. He did try to use it as a manipulative tool, in other words stay in touch, see me sometimes, I'll make payments on the debts, pay you back what I stole. I just decided, quickly really, that it wasn't worth it. If he did or didn't pay me back or pay the debts wasn't the really important issue. What was important was no longer allowing that manipulation in my life and allowing him to have that power over me that he needed to "hold on to me". Saying goodbye for me at that point came easy.
I am going to be a long time before I'm ready for a relationship. I need time, the residue that does linger with all of this is a disinterest in placing much trust in someone. And I am a huge believer of the importance of trust. I will not get involved with anyone else until I feel ready to invest trust. I'm not there yet. I am however "dating". I've never been a "dater". It feels good. I've been danced with, dipped, and twirled and swirled and just had FUN! I've been taken to a couple of very nice dinners with enjoyable company and had great conversation. I have made many new friends, both male and female. With EXA it didn't happen. He was very controlling in that he wanted to keep me all to myself. In the process I lost myself. I lost contact with the friends I did have. Every social activity was only with him, or his family. I feel liberated.
I really thought while going through all of this breakup initially that I was goign to be this huge wounded person for a very long time and it was going to be a super slow healing process. I thought I'd never be able to "get over him". I thought I'd not know how to live without him or how to be happy without him. I realize already that I'm happier this soon than I ever was a day with him. I am losing my "hermit" role and coming alive again in the world without fear of consequences.
To anyone else who is learning to live without their A's, please take away from this post that for me anyhow, it was key to look back with open eyes and assess , was it really good? Ever? You might be suprised what you decide!
Anyhow, just wanted to share.

denny57

Thanks for sharing!

Buffalo66

Thank you!! Thank you, no, really, thank you.

I needed to read this right now. I am struggling with my A, and NO CONTACt.

Ido feel the way you described. I want to, but I dont engage with him. I am also left with a whole lot of mess to deal with alone.(raising a child).But I also get to have the joys alone. He doesnt get that.

Thanks for this post today. Congrats.

parentrecovers

nice to hear from you, confused! hugs, k

wpgwoman

Congratulations and thank you for sharing your story. You sound like you've found and held on to that inner strength that many of us are looking for. I hope, like you, to be there one day. Being healthier and finding some kind of peace sounds nice.

Keep up the good work!!