Resentment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Resentment
Found a bottle last night under our mattress. AH is gone on business till tomorrow. Sounded drunk on the phone last night. So much for the $3,000 rehab, the daily morning calls to his sponsor (who I'm sure he's lying to) and daily AA or rehab meetings. I mean, what a joke. He's alllll into the "program" and drinking at the same time. Who does he think he's kidding? Himself?
So, forget about the drinking. I love him. I don't know if I can live with all his resentments. Sunday, he blurted out that he still resents the fact that his first wife got pregnant right after they married and she agreed to wait two years. Said whenever he thinks of his ex, that's what he thinks about. She is from Venezuela. Her family paid to fly her to the states to marry an American. She was raised in poverty. His excuse was that he was young and dumb. Focus on DUMB. No condoms? Where is his responsibility in this? And she went on to have TWO MORE kids with him, none of them were planned. Each time he blamed her for telling him she was using birth control. What kind of IDIOT is he for having THREE unplanned children?? And he BLAMES her STILL!!! His first kid with his ex was born 25 YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT!!!!
It's not just that. He has a list of resentments for every person he is related to, mainly me. And it's not that he's not trying. He brags about how often he bites his tongue now. I mean, it's visible that he's holding back from saying something. But it's still there.
The truth IS...... HE is responsible for causing an incredible amount of chaos in our lives, including me, our kids and my stepkids. HE has done everything he could to maintain his drinking over the years, to include abandoning his own children, shredding my self-esteem, continuing an extremely dysfunctional alliance with his enabling hateful mother and lying..... ohhhhh the lies!!!!
Do I sit around fuming every day over what everyone has done to wrong me? Hell no. I want to puke when we're sitting in Sunday School and he blurts out bullsh*t he's learned from the bible, or how he implements lessons from the bible, or comments on how "we as Christians" should bla bla bla. I feel like standing up and screaming, "He's a drunk!!! He's full of sh*t!!!! He is spewing lies because he's crazier than a Hoot Owl!!!" lol, wouldn't that be something?
Ya know, his alcoholism is his own battle. But the self-righteousness is so incredibly hard to live with. Lately he is on my ass about getting a job. He makes over $300k a year. Our son has special needs and wouldn't do well in after school care. He is having incredible problems at school. But AH is now really worried about his retirement and wants to have over 1mil in savings. Nice that he woke up from his drunk induced haze, realized he should be looking out for his retirement and now jumps my ass to get a job. And he also recently told me 10k for each of his daughter's weddings wouldn't be enough. And we just spent $65k on one's college education and she's currently a bartender. And we spent $12k on another one who flunked out for 2 years straight. Point is, when it comes to spending out of guilt (because he did ditch them), he'll pour it out. But when he thinks of saving, he wants my ass working fulltime regardless of our kid's issues. He has reluctantly agreed to me working part-time. Oh gee, thanks. I'll work part-time to pay the $50k he wants to spend on his daughter's weddings. And our children will be headed to college when he's at retirement age. Nice.
Back to topic. I hate that he sits on resentments. He has huge balls for thinking anyone has wronged him. He has screwed with many people's lives here. I don't know how to get him to see that. Not that he's carry undo blame for his part in it all, but that he'll get off his stinking pedastal. It's so hard being the subject of his resentment. And it's damned difficult and scary for me to even think I'm good enough to get a part-time job at Petsmart when he's all but told me I'm worthless for all these years. He gives the orders. I'm just ready to order his ass out of the house.
So, forget about the drinking. I love him. I don't know if I can live with all his resentments. Sunday, he blurted out that he still resents the fact that his first wife got pregnant right after they married and she agreed to wait two years. Said whenever he thinks of his ex, that's what he thinks about. She is from Venezuela. Her family paid to fly her to the states to marry an American. She was raised in poverty. His excuse was that he was young and dumb. Focus on DUMB. No condoms? Where is his responsibility in this? And she went on to have TWO MORE kids with him, none of them were planned. Each time he blamed her for telling him she was using birth control. What kind of IDIOT is he for having THREE unplanned children?? And he BLAMES her STILL!!! His first kid with his ex was born 25 YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT!!!!
It's not just that. He has a list of resentments for every person he is related to, mainly me. And it's not that he's not trying. He brags about how often he bites his tongue now. I mean, it's visible that he's holding back from saying something. But it's still there.
The truth IS...... HE is responsible for causing an incredible amount of chaos in our lives, including me, our kids and my stepkids. HE has done everything he could to maintain his drinking over the years, to include abandoning his own children, shredding my self-esteem, continuing an extremely dysfunctional alliance with his enabling hateful mother and lying..... ohhhhh the lies!!!!
Do I sit around fuming every day over what everyone has done to wrong me? Hell no. I want to puke when we're sitting in Sunday School and he blurts out bullsh*t he's learned from the bible, or how he implements lessons from the bible, or comments on how "we as Christians" should bla bla bla. I feel like standing up and screaming, "He's a drunk!!! He's full of sh*t!!!! He is spewing lies because he's crazier than a Hoot Owl!!!" lol, wouldn't that be something?
Ya know, his alcoholism is his own battle. But the self-righteousness is so incredibly hard to live with. Lately he is on my ass about getting a job. He makes over $300k a year. Our son has special needs and wouldn't do well in after school care. He is having incredible problems at school. But AH is now really worried about his retirement and wants to have over 1mil in savings. Nice that he woke up from his drunk induced haze, realized he should be looking out for his retirement and now jumps my ass to get a job. And he also recently told me 10k for each of his daughter's weddings wouldn't be enough. And we just spent $65k on one's college education and she's currently a bartender. And we spent $12k on another one who flunked out for 2 years straight. Point is, when it comes to spending out of guilt (because he did ditch them), he'll pour it out. But when he thinks of saving, he wants my ass working fulltime regardless of our kid's issues. He has reluctantly agreed to me working part-time. Oh gee, thanks. I'll work part-time to pay the $50k he wants to spend on his daughter's weddings. And our children will be headed to college when he's at retirement age. Nice.
Back to topic. I hate that he sits on resentments. He has huge balls for thinking anyone has wronged him. He has screwed with many people's lives here. I don't know how to get him to see that. Not that he's carry undo blame for his part in it all, but that he'll get off his stinking pedastal. It's so hard being the subject of his resentment. And it's damned difficult and scary for me to even think I'm good enough to get a part-time job at Petsmart when he's all but told me I'm worthless for all these years. He gives the orders. I'm just ready to order his ass out of the house.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by respektingme 
I want to puke when we're sitting in Sunday School and he blurts out bullsh*t he's learned from the bible, or how he implements lessons from the bible, or comments on how "we as Christians" should bla bla bla. I feel like standing up and screaming, "He's a drunk!!! He's full of sh*t!!!!
Hang in there,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yeah my AH is an Elder and Trustee in our church. People know his has a drinking problem, heck I had my pastor do an intervention. But they continue to allow him to be in his leadership posts. I just do not understand it at all. And of course AH sees no conflict whatsoever.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"HE is responsible for causing an incredible amount of chaos in our lives, including me, our kids and my stepkids."
That may be true, but my life didn't turn around until I realized that I was responsible for putting up with the chaos and I was responsible for choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship. My life didn't change until I took an inventory of my own shortcomings and began to work on improving them. When I focused on my boyfriend's shortcomings, I was unable to focus on myself or make positive changes in my life. And once I was no longer focused on my boyfriend's issues, I began to think more clearly and re-evaluated my definition of love.
Today I realize that love shouldn't be painful and no amount of money is worth the pain of living with an active addict. I can be miserable on $300K a year, or I can happy as a clam on $30K a year. We all have choices in life and one of the best ways to increase our choices is to become financially independent. No woman should rely solely on her husband or partner for their financial needs and no woman should render themselves helpless.
Having a job is not a burdeon. It's empowering.
That may be true, but my life didn't turn around until I realized that I was responsible for putting up with the chaos and I was responsible for choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship. My life didn't change until I took an inventory of my own shortcomings and began to work on improving them. When I focused on my boyfriend's shortcomings, I was unable to focus on myself or make positive changes in my life. And once I was no longer focused on my boyfriend's issues, I began to think more clearly and re-evaluated my definition of love.
Today I realize that love shouldn't be painful and no amount of money is worth the pain of living with an active addict. I can be miserable on $300K a year, or I can happy as a clam on $30K a year. We all have choices in life and one of the best ways to increase our choices is to become financially independent. No woman should rely solely on her husband or partner for their financial needs and no woman should render themselves helpless.
Having a job is not a burdeon. It's empowering.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I'm still amazed all the time when I see the parallels between alcoholism and codependence. The alcoholic blames everyone and everything for the troubles in their life. The codependent blames the alcoholic for all the troubles in their life. Neither will begin to get better until they face the fact they are the only ones responsible for their life.
One of the first things my therapist said to me was that my AH was nothing more than a big distraction I was using to avoid facing my own issues. That really ticked me off. It's a wonder I even went back to her after that. But, you know what, she was right.
L
One of the first things my therapist said to me was that my AH was nothing more than a big distraction I was using to avoid facing my own issues. That really ticked me off. It's a wonder I even went back to her after that. But, you know what, she was right.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
One of the first things my therapist said to me was that my AH was nothing more than a big distraction I was using to avoid facing my own issues. That really ticked me off.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Wow, that's a lot of words about his resentments. Have you managed to identify where yours lie?
Like LTD and Denny, I spent a lot of time focussing on other people's issues which was a very handy way of ignoring mine. Of course, I didn't think I had any, until I was asked why I stayed in situations that I professed to be unacceptable to me. That's when the real work started.......
Like LTD and Denny, I spent a lot of time focussing on other people's issues which was a very handy way of ignoring mine. Of course, I didn't think I had any, until I was asked why I stayed in situations that I professed to be unacceptable to me. That's when the real work started.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Uncertain why you are still choosing to live in this situation. What's in it for you? What's in it for your kids?
You seem angry constantly. Has that started affecting your health yet?
p.s. there are plenty of jobs that are actually interesting and make life fun. And for my part, I'd rather jump off a bridge than stay with someone for their money. You've already seen how that traps you. No offense.
You seem angry constantly. Has that started affecting your health yet?
p.s. there are plenty of jobs that are actually interesting and make life fun. And for my part, I'd rather jump off a bridge than stay with someone for their money. You've already seen how that traps you. No offense.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Who does he think he's kidding? Himself?
As long as he has something to be angry about or some issue where he was wronged and can cry foul, he has a reason to drink. Im not an alcoholic, but Ive learned that most of my resentments stemmed from shame/guilt/pain but I didnt know that for a long time and I wouldnt have learned that if I wasnt working on my recovery. It sounds like hes not working much other than his mouth at this point.
You may not be the subject of his resentments but the easy target bc you are there, not his grown children or his ex-wife. The quickest way I know to get someone off their pedestal is to stop kneeling down.
Sorry about the bottle under the mattress. Thats no fun to find, I know.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Wow, do I relate. My AH has so many things that he is carrying around that he resents that they have turned into absolute hatred for his mom, step father, ex wife, blah blah blah. The hard part is that after getting to know these people, I can see why he has resentment. But, like all AH's it seems, he is stuck in hatred and covering up his feelings with alcohol. No desire whatsoever to look at his part in any of it!
What I am hearing in your message is that you are having a hard time detaching from his problems. I understand that, 'cause I am right there with ya. And if his resentment is with you, that is a tough place to be. Sounds like yours is like mine: Self righteous so and so---I am sure God would not measure up to his standards, Critical---you will never be good enough, so quit sacrificing yourself (not trying to be harsh-just what I have learned!), Unable to love you the way you need to be loved.
The worst part is that we love them! We got a glimpse of their inside...and I do believe in my case it is the real person, the vulnerable scared little boy...and we love that person. But we have to remember that we cannot "get him to see" anything. It is on them.
The only thing we can do is work on us, make us happy, and try to detach from their warped mentality etc. For me, when the time comes that I cannot do that, I will leave.
You are in my prayers....keep strong and try to love yourself!
What I am hearing in your message is that you are having a hard time detaching from his problems. I understand that, 'cause I am right there with ya. And if his resentment is with you, that is a tough place to be. Sounds like yours is like mine: Self righteous so and so---I am sure God would not measure up to his standards, Critical---you will never be good enough, so quit sacrificing yourself (not trying to be harsh-just what I have learned!), Unable to love you the way you need to be loved.
The worst part is that we love them! We got a glimpse of their inside...and I do believe in my case it is the real person, the vulnerable scared little boy...and we love that person. But we have to remember that we cannot "get him to see" anything. It is on them.
The only thing we can do is work on us, make us happy, and try to detach from their warped mentality etc. For me, when the time comes that I cannot do that, I will leave.
You are in my prayers....keep strong and try to love yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: shelby twp
Posts: 14
This all sounds to familiar, someone I know is in the begining stages of going through all this. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this! I can tell you one thing, I give you a lot of props because you sound like you have been a good wife to put up with all of this. Remember one thing: God sees and watches everything, so if your doing the right thing, God will welcome you into to the gates of heaven and that will be enough reward for everything you have put up with. God Bless You and stay strong!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, you sound like a beautiful person, dont let him bring you down!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think his resentments serve at least a two fold purpose. If he can keep those events fresh, he has a reason to drink. He is a victim, cough.
If he can keep those events fresh, he can drink without guilt.
By bringing up that his wife got pregnant right away, he can continue to use that as the reason he never met his full potential. I'm certain he was totally upwardly mobile until she got pregnant.
What do you love about him?
If he can keep those events fresh, he can drink without guilt.
By bringing up that his wife got pregnant right away, he can continue to use that as the reason he never met his full potential. I'm certain he was totally upwardly mobile until she got pregnant.
What do you love about him?
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