on the brink...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
on the brink...
I am literally on the brink of finalizing my divorce, mediation is this thursday, and I feel sick about it...
I have been somewhat strong, like calling the police last week when he refused to leave when his visitation was over, I was shaking, but it felt good to stand up to him and show him I'm not fooling around.
But, things have gotten heated and crazy in the past few weeks, he continues to claim sobriety but does drink at least a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer each time he comes to my house to visit the kids, and when not visiting, his behaviors have been nuerotic and, well, I was going to say, uncharacteristic, but he is acting very much in-character from all of his drinking years.... he's come to the pre-school playground where I work to scream at me and call me a f@#$@#$ b*&%$, he is following me, watching me, harrassing me and he has even threatened to take the kids out of state so "I'd never see them again", then, when I saw a new car seat in his truck (he's NEVER had one) and he suddenly tells my son he would take him out to lunch the next day during school! I was scared! I talked to the school and they said until I get something in writing, they wouldn't be able to stop him! So, I've taken my son out of school 3 times in the past 2 weeks because of these threats!
I believe that in the past month, he has begun to drink more and more and is now angry that I dare ask for child support, alimony, health ins. for the kids and continued supervised, and limited, visitation...
He's been out of the house for a year and has yet to willingly give financial support and I'm so broke! He admits to being an alcoholic and "doesn't remember a whole lot from the past 6-10 years", yet now he claims to be sober but "doesn't need a program" and continues to blame me for everything...
"You're the one who kicked me out"- yes, because you were a drunken, lying mess and I reached my absolute limit and was done enabling you!
"you're the one divorcing me"- yes, because I need to force you to help with finances and I'm tired of waiting and hoping that you'll actually take responsibility and show an emotion and be the man I thought you could be...
"you're trying the keep the kids from seeing me"-no, I've actually allowed visitation for this whole year at my house because you are living on an air mattress in an unfinished house! And when you lived here you had nothing to do with the kids, they were always "in your way", you never bathed them, put them to bed or attended a soccer game!!! And, you were drunk every night! You ignored them and failed to make any true connection with them! They deserve a good dad, not a phony one
I'm shaking while writing all of this, I'm sick to my stomach at how my life has turned out! I cannot believe this is my life... have you ever felt this way? Even though I know all of the facts, and have opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, I still can't believe it!!! I feel crazy! I feel wrong! I feel bad, and sad, and lonely, and tricked, and manipulated, and blamed, and ugly, and scared, no, more like terrified...
God, give me strength...
I have been somewhat strong, like calling the police last week when he refused to leave when his visitation was over, I was shaking, but it felt good to stand up to him and show him I'm not fooling around.
But, things have gotten heated and crazy in the past few weeks, he continues to claim sobriety but does drink at least a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer each time he comes to my house to visit the kids, and when not visiting, his behaviors have been nuerotic and, well, I was going to say, uncharacteristic, but he is acting very much in-character from all of his drinking years.... he's come to the pre-school playground where I work to scream at me and call me a f@#$@#$ b*&%$, he is following me, watching me, harrassing me and he has even threatened to take the kids out of state so "I'd never see them again", then, when I saw a new car seat in his truck (he's NEVER had one) and he suddenly tells my son he would take him out to lunch the next day during school! I was scared! I talked to the school and they said until I get something in writing, they wouldn't be able to stop him! So, I've taken my son out of school 3 times in the past 2 weeks because of these threats!
I believe that in the past month, he has begun to drink more and more and is now angry that I dare ask for child support, alimony, health ins. for the kids and continued supervised, and limited, visitation...
He's been out of the house for a year and has yet to willingly give financial support and I'm so broke! He admits to being an alcoholic and "doesn't remember a whole lot from the past 6-10 years", yet now he claims to be sober but "doesn't need a program" and continues to blame me for everything...
"You're the one who kicked me out"- yes, because you were a drunken, lying mess and I reached my absolute limit and was done enabling you!
"you're the one divorcing me"- yes, because I need to force you to help with finances and I'm tired of waiting and hoping that you'll actually take responsibility and show an emotion and be the man I thought you could be...
"you're trying the keep the kids from seeing me"-no, I've actually allowed visitation for this whole year at my house because you are living on an air mattress in an unfinished house! And when you lived here you had nothing to do with the kids, they were always "in your way", you never bathed them, put them to bed or attended a soccer game!!! And, you were drunk every night! You ignored them and failed to make any true connection with them! They deserve a good dad, not a phony one
I'm shaking while writing all of this, I'm sick to my stomach at how my life has turned out! I cannot believe this is my life... have you ever felt this way? Even though I know all of the facts, and have opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, I still can't believe it!!! I feel crazy! I feel wrong! I feel bad, and sad, and lonely, and tricked, and manipulated, and blamed, and ugly, and scared, no, more like terrified...
God, give me strength...
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Prayers going up for you right now!
Originally Posted by sugarpup 
I'm sick to my stomach at how my life has turned out! I cannot believe this is my life... have you ever felt this way? Even though I know all of the facts, and have opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, I still can't believe it!!! I feel crazy! I feel wrong! I feel bad, and sad, and lonely, and tricked, and manipulated, and blamed, and ugly, and scared, no, more like terrified...
God, give me strength...
God, give me strength...
I have felt this way. And yes, I felt crazy too. These other feelings are probably part of the grieving process. You are about to be divorced and that is a major thing. The dream you had of a happy marriage with a loving, kind, giving man has ended. It is like a death. Go ahead and grieve. Allow yourself to feel those feelings. You have every right to feel all of those feelings for as long as you need to.
Living with an alcoholic does make us feel crazy. Just know that you are human, and do not doubt those feelings. Just go with them for now. I remember not having any feelings for a long time, becuase I had to be in control at all times since everything around me was out of control. Suddenly, I had a truckload of feelings and didn't know what to do with them. You will get better each and every day. You will start feeling peace and contentment again. Maybe not tomorrow or even next week. But believe me, it will come.
Take care of yourself and the little one!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yes, yes, yes... I have felt like this. The shaking? check.
The feeling stupid, lied to, tricked, abandoned? check.
Reading YOUR post.. I feel so much like I get how you have felt, in how anxious contact with him makes me, how crazy he makes me feel, how I want my kid to have a better father figure.
I am sending you positive energy and prayers. You are taking a powerful step. I believe that when we take risks to follow the truth for ourselves,on behalf of the universe, that the universe supports us...And so I think this will all work out for you. Just fake it til you make it through tomorrow, and then move onto the next day. good luck, thanks,B66
The feeling stupid, lied to, tricked, abandoned? check.
Reading YOUR post.. I feel so much like I get how you have felt, in how anxious contact with him makes me, how crazy he makes me feel, how I want my kid to have a better father figure.
I am sending you positive energy and prayers. You are taking a powerful step. I believe that when we take risks to follow the truth for ourselves,on behalf of the universe, that the universe supports us...And so I think this will all work out for you. Just fake it til you make it through tomorrow, and then move onto the next day. good luck, thanks,B66
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I'm shaking while writing all of this, I'm sick to my stomach at how my life has turned out! I cannot believe this is my life... have you ever felt this way? Even though I know all of the facts, and have opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, I still can't believe it!!! I feel crazy! I feel wrong! I feel bad, and sad, and lonely, and tricked, and manipulated, and blamed, and ugly, and scared, no, more like terrified...
God, give me strength...
Sometimes, since breaking with my XABF, I feel like I'm the one losing my mind. It's not like I'm in denial, I know it's finished. The revelations that came out after make it impossible for me to ever trust him as a friend, much less as a lover. So what am I doing? I'm going around like a crazy person, doing things that I know are counterproductive to my recovery, and generally spinning my wheels.
Last night the reality hit me. Two months ago I was engaged, my ex was going to be sober in a month (either on his own or in detox), we were going to start shopping for a place to live together dividing our time between here and his place in the south, and a dozen other projects working on US.
Here I am, by myself, all promises gone, zero contact, wondering where I'm going now. I'm left with a bunch of revelations on what was actually going on, instead of what he said was going on. I'm not sad, I'm bewildered and adrift.
God, give me strength...
Sometimes, since breaking with my XABF, I feel like I'm the one losing my mind. It's not like I'm in denial, I know it's finished. The revelations that came out after make it impossible for me to ever trust him as a friend, much less as a lover. So what am I doing? I'm going around like a crazy person, doing things that I know are counterproductive to my recovery, and generally spinning my wheels.
Last night the reality hit me. Two months ago I was engaged, my ex was going to be sober in a month (either on his own or in detox), we were going to start shopping for a place to live together dividing our time between here and his place in the south, and a dozen other projects working on US.
Here I am, by myself, all promises gone, zero contact, wondering where I'm going now. I'm left with a bunch of revelations on what was actually going on, instead of what he said was going on. I'm not sad, I'm bewildered and adrift.
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