For the MOms who have kids with an A
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
For the MOms who have kids with an A
Hi, I hope everyone is enjoying their morning.
I have posted on this subject before, and am just really at a loss, so here goes again...
I am having NO CONTACT with my A as much as possible, he is the father of my 2 3/4 year old son, and I have let him speak to my son one time in the last several weeks. Almost every weekend my son goes to my As mother to have sleepover. The A is made aware that then would be the best time to see his son if he wanted.
I am attempting, in my heart and mind to have this no contact for my own sanity, and my sons sense of normalcy, in that having contact makes me(his mom) a little crazy. I am always checking and balancing myself to keep things about ME, and NOT about affecting a change in HIM.
The A keeps calling, and calling. a few to several times a day. He leaves messages saying he just wants to speak to his son. He NEEDS to hear his sons' voice, yet each week he just 'cant make it out' the half of an hour drive to see him at his mothers (A has no car, money..,but man, he has friends that would drive him to Ohio, if there was free booze at a wedding, or dollar drafts a town away). His mom and I both think it is Bull sh*t, and whatever; same old story.
My latest dilemma is this; the day this week that I dialed As' number and put my son on, and they spoke, I was half listening, and there was the normal 2-plus year old banter about the zoo, playing, thomas the train... etc. then, out of the blue, my child says,"Daddy please come back." He then repeated it. He then said, "dont go bye bye anymore" I dont know what the A said on the other line. BUt, I was a bit stunned. I know my son is aware, but, I try to just play at Daddy being where daddy is, and we are we we are. I dont generally cry about the A when my son is here, I dont pine over him. When I was engaging with him, it was mostly yelling and screaming on the phone, or arguments that ended in him fleeing the car or home, to the bar, or whatnot.My son SAW all that! Felt all that!!
Now, I do feel like I want son to know he does have a father. I am totally prepared and OK with telling him the truth about addiction WHEN HE IS OF AN appropriate age of reason, and can process it. BUt,right now, if he sees something or someone who reminds him of daddy, if we drive toward the part of town where he has seen his daddy most, he asks where is he, can we go see him? where does daddy live? can daddy come with us?
I know I am not obligated to give my A anything. He has not given me a cent since the baby came. I have struggled and suffered. He doesnt care...
BUt what of my child? I have this strange sense of obligation to let him know his dad. good and bad, (while still being safe under my supervision).
I guess my question is about detachment, and No Contact... My A has been a drive- by dad, and just a visit with baby in the past has left him to delude himself into thinking he is being a father to him. He actually distorts the amount of time he spends with son.
My selfish/vengeful side says;I dont want to give him that. I dont want to give him the phone call to use to quell his guilt, or to feed his image of himself as less than a TOTAL screw up, who is neglecting a child. BUt, I know that true detachment means I really should not make choices based on what they do to him. I have no control there.
What should I do? I have been considering once a week phone calls with daddy. I wouldnt even have to speak to him. Is it worth it? I dont know enough people who were raised by split parents to know.My son is asking his daddy to come back... How real is that?
I hate this. I really do. I am an evil person, becasue sometimes I actually wish my A would just cease to exist so I can get on with being the best mom...maybe find a nice man. His grandparents on As' side are VERY involved in our lives, and very helpful, mostly.
Any insights are so helpful, and thans for reading my long winded post!!
I have posted on this subject before, and am just really at a loss, so here goes again...
I am having NO CONTACT with my A as much as possible, he is the father of my 2 3/4 year old son, and I have let him speak to my son one time in the last several weeks. Almost every weekend my son goes to my As mother to have sleepover. The A is made aware that then would be the best time to see his son if he wanted.
I am attempting, in my heart and mind to have this no contact for my own sanity, and my sons sense of normalcy, in that having contact makes me(his mom) a little crazy. I am always checking and balancing myself to keep things about ME, and NOT about affecting a change in HIM.
The A keeps calling, and calling. a few to several times a day. He leaves messages saying he just wants to speak to his son. He NEEDS to hear his sons' voice, yet each week he just 'cant make it out' the half of an hour drive to see him at his mothers (A has no car, money..,but man, he has friends that would drive him to Ohio, if there was free booze at a wedding, or dollar drafts a town away). His mom and I both think it is Bull sh*t, and whatever; same old story.
My latest dilemma is this; the day this week that I dialed As' number and put my son on, and they spoke, I was half listening, and there was the normal 2-plus year old banter about the zoo, playing, thomas the train... etc. then, out of the blue, my child says,"Daddy please come back." He then repeated it. He then said, "dont go bye bye anymore" I dont know what the A said on the other line. BUt, I was a bit stunned. I know my son is aware, but, I try to just play at Daddy being where daddy is, and we are we we are. I dont generally cry about the A when my son is here, I dont pine over him. When I was engaging with him, it was mostly yelling and screaming on the phone, or arguments that ended in him fleeing the car or home, to the bar, or whatnot.My son SAW all that! Felt all that!!
Now, I do feel like I want son to know he does have a father. I am totally prepared and OK with telling him the truth about addiction WHEN HE IS OF AN appropriate age of reason, and can process it. BUt,right now, if he sees something or someone who reminds him of daddy, if we drive toward the part of town where he has seen his daddy most, he asks where is he, can we go see him? where does daddy live? can daddy come with us?
I know I am not obligated to give my A anything. He has not given me a cent since the baby came. I have struggled and suffered. He doesnt care...
BUt what of my child? I have this strange sense of obligation to let him know his dad. good and bad, (while still being safe under my supervision).
I guess my question is about detachment, and No Contact... My A has been a drive- by dad, and just a visit with baby in the past has left him to delude himself into thinking he is being a father to him. He actually distorts the amount of time he spends with son.
My selfish/vengeful side says;I dont want to give him that. I dont want to give him the phone call to use to quell his guilt, or to feed his image of himself as less than a TOTAL screw up, who is neglecting a child. BUt, I know that true detachment means I really should not make choices based on what they do to him. I have no control there.
What should I do? I have been considering once a week phone calls with daddy. I wouldnt even have to speak to him. Is it worth it? I dont know enough people who were raised by split parents to know.My son is asking his daddy to come back... How real is that?
I hate this. I really do. I am an evil person, becasue sometimes I actually wish my A would just cease to exist so I can get on with being the best mom...maybe find a nice man. His grandparents on As' side are VERY involved in our lives, and very helpful, mostly.
Any insights are so helpful, and thans for reading my long winded post!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Ah, I know how awful this can be. When I went thru my first divorce, my sons were 3 and 7. Fortunately, we both handled the divorce like responsible adults and didn't manipulate the kids or allow them to keep false hopes that mom and dad were going to get back together.
Throw alcohol into the mix, and I'm sure its much worse. I haven't been thru it but I know that one of the most important thing for your son is to let him know that mom and dad love him, that this is an adult problem he doesn't need to worry about, that its not his fault and to protect him as much as possible from any fall out. Since you are providing your AH with the oppunity to see his son (he chooses not to use it), you are doing all you can as I see it. If additional phones calls would help you son (I have my doubts about that) arrange them. But think of whether its to your son's benefit, not your AH. The phone calls may cause your son more trouble accepting the situation.
Throw alcohol into the mix, and I'm sure its much worse. I haven't been thru it but I know that one of the most important thing for your son is to let him know that mom and dad love him, that this is an adult problem he doesn't need to worry about, that its not his fault and to protect him as much as possible from any fall out. Since you are providing your AH with the oppunity to see his son (he chooses not to use it), you are doing all you can as I see it. If additional phones calls would help you son (I have my doubts about that) arrange them. But think of whether its to your son's benefit, not your AH. The phone calls may cause your son more trouble accepting the situation.
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