Watching my daughter go under
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 26
Watching my daughter go under
I don't think I have the strength.
She has been drinking for 5 years, and she is extremely psychotic now. She believes that everything she says is being broadcast on internet radio. Today when I asked her whether or not she plans to pay her rent, she got very angry at me and explained that she will be getting a million dollars and I had better shut up or she will not give me any of it. (I know she is two months behind in her rent, and I have no plans to pay it for her)
Today she called me and said she was hungry. The only time she calls is when she needs food or smokes. Of course I went - how can I allow my only child to starve? What mother can bear to do that? Why should any mother be forced to allow her only child to starve?
When I got there she told me she had been drinking all week, except for today, and the only reason she was not drinking today was because she had no money. But there I was, buying food for her.
She lost her job on Monday and she has no plans to apply for welfare. She told me today her "handlers" will take care of her, when I asked her how she plans to pay her rent. In the past few months, she has gotten so psychotic that she has withdrawn from every single support person or support system that could even remotely help her. She is so delusional and paranoid it is very painful for me to be around her - I don't even know what to say.
I have been dealing with the pain of this for years, but I am getting to a point. I am getting to a point where the pain is not so raw anymore. I am feeling sad and depressed but I think I am finally approaching step 1 - that's the step where we admit we are powerless - it's funny, I thought I did that step a couple of years ago, but now I don't think so.
I think I am in the middle of doing step 1 now... I am writing this on the internet because even though I have loving, supportive friends who are aware of what I am dealing with, and even though I go to Alanon, I feel so alone right now.
I wish someone would pray for my daughter.
Would you please pray for my daughter?
She has been drinking for 5 years, and she is extremely psychotic now. She believes that everything she says is being broadcast on internet radio. Today when I asked her whether or not she plans to pay her rent, she got very angry at me and explained that she will be getting a million dollars and I had better shut up or she will not give me any of it. (I know she is two months behind in her rent, and I have no plans to pay it for her)
Today she called me and said she was hungry. The only time she calls is when she needs food or smokes. Of course I went - how can I allow my only child to starve? What mother can bear to do that? Why should any mother be forced to allow her only child to starve?
When I got there she told me she had been drinking all week, except for today, and the only reason she was not drinking today was because she had no money. But there I was, buying food for her.
She lost her job on Monday and she has no plans to apply for welfare. She told me today her "handlers" will take care of her, when I asked her how she plans to pay her rent. In the past few months, she has gotten so psychotic that she has withdrawn from every single support person or support system that could even remotely help her. She is so delusional and paranoid it is very painful for me to be around her - I don't even know what to say.
I have been dealing with the pain of this for years, but I am getting to a point. I am getting to a point where the pain is not so raw anymore. I am feeling sad and depressed but I think I am finally approaching step 1 - that's the step where we admit we are powerless - it's funny, I thought I did that step a couple of years ago, but now I don't think so.
I think I am in the middle of doing step 1 now... I am writing this on the internet because even though I have loving, supportive friends who are aware of what I am dealing with, and even though I go to Alanon, I feel so alone right now.
I wish someone would pray for my daughter.
Would you please pray for my daughter?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
I will pray for her and you. Do you think her actions are from drinking so much alcohol or mental health issues. I do know when my husband drinks ALOT for a long period of time he also gets very paranoid...it's scary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 26
I am looking back on the years she was growing up - she hardly had any friends, she was so withdrawn, stubborn and difficult with me - hardly any social skills, she was very isolated even as a kid - this was long before she ever started drinking.
I am convinced the mental illness was there first and she probably started drinking to medicate it.
Getting help from mental health professionals is a tragic joke.
Last week I stupidly tried to meddle - I sent the police a letter asking them to help - they know her well because she spends a lot of time in lockup due to her drinking - they held her an extra night and took her to the psych ward in the hospital in the town where she lives. The social worker who saw her immediately put her back out on the street.
I am a good Alanon member - I know better than to meddle - but I did it anyway because I was so worried and desperate.
Somehow, I have to detach and save myself. I can't save her.
If you are reading this, please pray for her.
I am convinced the mental illness was there first and she probably started drinking to medicate it.
Getting help from mental health professionals is a tragic joke.
Last week I stupidly tried to meddle - I sent the police a letter asking them to help - they know her well because she spends a lot of time in lockup due to her drinking - they held her an extra night and took her to the psych ward in the hospital in the town where she lives. The social worker who saw her immediately put her back out on the street.
I am a good Alanon member - I know better than to meddle - but I did it anyway because I was so worried and desperate.
Somehow, I have to detach and save myself. I can't save her.
If you are reading this, please pray for her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
I can't imagine what you are going through. It must be so difficult. As parents we are suppose protect our children and keep them out of harms way. How does one possibly let go of that feeling even though our children have grown and have become adults?
Tonight I am praying that your daughter finally finds her way to recovery and I pray for you, to finally find some kind of peace in all this insanity.
Tonight I am praying that your daughter finally finds her way to recovery and I pray for you, to finally find some kind of peace in all this insanity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm a mom of a recovering addict and I can only know the pain I have felt when he was using and seemed so helplessly lost. When my son was actively using I would sometimes help him get food and basic necessities. I provided medicine that he could not otherwise get and needed to stay alive.
There is a fine line between helping and enabling and it seems like you understand that. There are no cut and dried answers to some of these situations and as a mom I would weigh out the pros and cons, in the light of my own recovery, each time I helped him out.
I hope you will keep coming here for support. It's nice to meet you but I'm sorry it's under these circumstances which cause you so much pain.
I will most certainly pray for your daughter and for you too.
There is a fine line between helping and enabling and it seems like you understand that. There are no cut and dried answers to some of these situations and as a mom I would weigh out the pros and cons, in the light of my own recovery, each time I helped him out.
I hope you will keep coming here for support. It's nice to meet you but I'm sorry it's under these circumstances which cause you so much pain.
I will most certainly pray for your daughter and for you too.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Dear Bright
Wow I just relived my life with my drug addicted son. I really feel for you hun, I have felt this pain. It hurts hey?
Our kids, (I know), dont want them to go hungry, cant stand watching their hurt and pain. We tend to forget they are not babies, my son is 24.
Bright, the emotional rollercoaster we go on with them is dangerous. They know we care, no matter what they say, they know mum will be there and they use it to their advantage, not because they want to, just because they can.
Let go Bright, let her go as she has to stand on her own two feet. Be there to love her but not to condone her. I had to step away big time and be strong because it was destroying me. Your daughter knows what to do, she knows where to get help, let her make that choice.
I know its hard, my son still doesnt admit he has a problem, but he is very aware of what the drugs are doing to him. I had to take defeat and let him live the crazy life he lives.
Wow I just relived my life with my drug addicted son. I really feel for you hun, I have felt this pain. It hurts hey?
Our kids, (I know), dont want them to go hungry, cant stand watching their hurt and pain. We tend to forget they are not babies, my son is 24.
Bright, the emotional rollercoaster we go on with them is dangerous. They know we care, no matter what they say, they know mum will be there and they use it to their advantage, not because they want to, just because they can.
Let go Bright, let her go as she has to stand on her own two feet. Be there to love her but not to condone her. I had to step away big time and be strong because it was destroying me. Your daughter knows what to do, she knows where to get help, let her make that choice.
I know its hard, my son still doesnt admit he has a problem, but he is very aware of what the drugs are doing to him. I had to take defeat and let him live the crazy life he lives.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
It sounds like this is beyond enabling. Your daughter needs help. It sounds, though, like you have tried getting her mental help and it has failed.
In the old days, you could have a person committed. I'll admit I do not know much about that and I don't know whether it would be a help or hell for her. Does anyone know about this subject? I have learned much in the past months about Florida. They have the Baker Act for mental health and the Marchman Act for alcoholism, where a person becomes a ward of the state while they attempt to get them help.
My heart aches for you. I can only imagine the pain of watching your daughter "go under." I wish and pray for strength and courage for you.
In the old days, you could have a person committed. I'll admit I do not know much about that and I don't know whether it would be a help or hell for her. Does anyone know about this subject? I have learned much in the past months about Florida. They have the Baker Act for mental health and the Marchman Act for alcoholism, where a person becomes a ward of the state while they attempt to get them help.
My heart aches for you. I can only imagine the pain of watching your daughter "go under." I wish and pray for strength and courage for you.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I tried getting help for my addicted family members in Australia. I dont know about other countries but here in SA the person has to be assessed mentally. Even if they know they are alcoholic or drug addicts, if presumed mentally aware or stable, there is nothing we can do. Several times after my as was taken to hospital in a critical state, still I could not persuade the doctors to help, have her committed for some kind of professional help because as far as they were concerned she was mentally stable and had all her wits about her when she was sober.'
It has been a terrible ordeal, as we know she is unbalanced due to the consumption of horrific amounts of alcohol. She cant feed, dress or shower herself when she is in this state. She cant think clearly and well, I believe she isnt capable of making safe decisions. But the professional medical hospital staff still are saying there is nothing they can do. What they dont consider is that their family know them well enough to see the blatant obvious and what the family continually goes through.
The love you have for that person, the wanting them to succeed in moving forward in their lives, not seeing them starving or in financial ruin. You ask yourself, how can this be. Somebody must be able to help. All I get it is this, "when shes ready, is the only time she can get help.
Well, its hard to watch all this insanity, and sometimes you feel like you have deserted them. I would help a sick animal on the side of the road, wouldnt you?
It has been a terrible ordeal, as we know she is unbalanced due to the consumption of horrific amounts of alcohol. She cant feed, dress or shower herself when she is in this state. She cant think clearly and well, I believe she isnt capable of making safe decisions. But the professional medical hospital staff still are saying there is nothing they can do. What they dont consider is that their family know them well enough to see the blatant obvious and what the family continually goes through.
The love you have for that person, the wanting them to succeed in moving forward in their lives, not seeing them starving or in financial ruin. You ask yourself, how can this be. Somebody must be able to help. All I get it is this, "when shes ready, is the only time she can get help.
Well, its hard to watch all this insanity, and sometimes you feel like you have deserted them. I would help a sick animal on the side of the road, wouldnt you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by justjo 
The love you have for that person, the wanting them to succeed in moving forward in their lives, not seeing them starving or in financial ruin. You ask yourself, how can this be. Somebody must be able to help. All I get it is this, "when shes ready, is the only time she can get help.
Well, its hard to watch all this insanity, and sometimes you feel like you have deserted them. I would help a sick animal on the side of the road, wouldnt you?
Well, its hard to watch all this insanity, and sometimes you feel like you have deserted them. I would help a sick animal on the side of the road, wouldnt you?
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
There aren;t any real invountary committment laws anymore because they were severely abused in the past. There is little that can be done to force a person into a psych hostpital. This is why so many end up in jail these days.
I wish I had something constructive to offer you, but all I can suggest is don't play along with her delusions. "You don't have any handlers. You're imagining them and you're going to end up homeless." She needs to hear it. You never know when she'll be in a moment of lucidity.
Mom, I don't think you can do any more than you've been doing. I prayed for you both. I hope God looks out for your daughter.
I wish I had something constructive to offer you, but all I can suggest is don't play along with her delusions. "You don't have any handlers. You're imagining them and you're going to end up homeless." She needs to hear it. You never know when she'll be in a moment of lucidity.
Mom, I don't think you can do any more than you've been doing. I prayed for you both. I hope God looks out for your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I have no ideas what the laws are where you are, but it may be worth consulting with an attorney and finding out what options, if any, are there for getting an involvuntary committment if she has mental illness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Is she threatening suicide? does she have weapons, or try to attack anyone, ever? Do you fear for your safety?
My brother is paranoid schizophrenic. When he had his first break, we tried to commit him for basic diagnosis and treatment. Even though he was raving mad, they would not, and he had to see a psych of his own volition. He did, but would not take the meds.
It was not until he became violent, and was "A THREAT TO HIMSELF OR OTHERS" that we were able to get him into a facility. He then was made to take the meds until stabilized, had his disease explained to him, and chose to continue his treatment, because he actually did not want to feel so bad like that anymore.
It seems that if she is not a threat to herself, or to another in her family or society, you are on your own.I believe this rule is pretty true across the nation.
BTW; my brother has been functional and contentedly medicated for about 10 years. hope this helps, some. B66
My brother is paranoid schizophrenic. When he had his first break, we tried to commit him for basic diagnosis and treatment. Even though he was raving mad, they would not, and he had to see a psych of his own volition. He did, but would not take the meds.
It was not until he became violent, and was "A THREAT TO HIMSELF OR OTHERS" that we were able to get him into a facility. He then was made to take the meds until stabilized, had his disease explained to him, and chose to continue his treatment, because he actually did not want to feel so bad like that anymore.
It seems that if she is not a threat to herself, or to another in her family or society, you are on your own.I believe this rule is pretty true across the nation.
BTW; my brother has been functional and contentedly medicated for about 10 years. hope this helps, some. B66
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Also, I wondered how old she is? This is important, because, she does sound like she is dealing with mental illness...and while alcoholism can create these symptoms, it may be more likely to be mental illness, depending on how old she is.
Alot of women experience the emergence of mental illness symptoms a little later than men. (mid to late twenties) This is true with Schizophrenia, and with Bi polar disorder.No, its not true across the board, just on average.
Alot of women experience the emergence of mental illness symptoms a little later than men. (mid to late twenties) This is true with Schizophrenia, and with Bi polar disorder.No, its not true across the board, just on average.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I just found this site a few hours ago, what a Blessing! I am a very grateful recovering addict/alcoholic with two years and two months clean and sober. Something jumped out at me when I saw "Watching my daughter go under" I guess it's the fact that my own Mom could have been writing that before I got into Recovery. My responses will be from the standpoint of the one who was going under. I read some of the posts from what I assume was your first entry yesterday. I agree that there is a huge difference in helping your daughter and enabling her. Sounds like you go to alot of Alanon meetings and that's wonderful. I have one child, a son who is 18 and thanksfully he doesn't use, he's nothing like I was at 18. I started using at 11 and finally surrendered completely when I was 43. I had 32 years of living hell. I can't begin to image what it's like to see your child on the downward spiral I'm sure my Mom saw when watching me.
Anyway, from what I have read and from my own experiences, I feel that your daughter is in need of some mental health help immediately. I don't mean to scare you but it seems that she is truly delusional and may be in danger. I suggest getting out the yellow pages and looking up mental health and finding a 24 hour crisis intervention service to call. Or you could call a local hospital and speak to someone on the mental health floor and they can guide you in the right direction. I understand you have called the Police. They are only a very short term option. I put myself on the mental health unit at the hospital many times thinking that I was going nuts instead of realizing that the majority of my problems were a result of drugs and alcohol. But it sounds to me like your daughter may have a little more going on with her. On one occassion when I was in the hospital the Dr. tried to have the courts commit me to an in patient, long term mental health program. I finally broke down and told them what the real issue was, drugs and alcohol. I came very close to being court ordered into a mental health facility until a third party Dr. finally came in and convinced the judge of what the real issue was. Your daughter will probably be very angry at you for awhile but I'm sure you've heard about tough love in meetings. It may be what is necessary to save her life.
As for yourself, I admire you for knowing that you need to take care of yourself. My own Mom never would go to meetings and today she is having alot of anxiety and depression that she won't get help for either. She praises the help that I have gotten and how it helped me to turn my life completely around. But she's in denial about any problems her self. Addiction truly is a family disease. I will pray for both of you. Take care of you my friend, you can only do so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Anyway, from what I have read and from my own experiences, I feel that your daughter is in need of some mental health help immediately. I don't mean to scare you but it seems that she is truly delusional and may be in danger. I suggest getting out the yellow pages and looking up mental health and finding a 24 hour crisis intervention service to call. Or you could call a local hospital and speak to someone on the mental health floor and they can guide you in the right direction. I understand you have called the Police. They are only a very short term option. I put myself on the mental health unit at the hospital many times thinking that I was going nuts instead of realizing that the majority of my problems were a result of drugs and alcohol. But it sounds to me like your daughter may have a little more going on with her. On one occassion when I was in the hospital the Dr. tried to have the courts commit me to an in patient, long term mental health program. I finally broke down and told them what the real issue was, drugs and alcohol. I came very close to being court ordered into a mental health facility until a third party Dr. finally came in and convinced the judge of what the real issue was. Your daughter will probably be very angry at you for awhile but I'm sure you've heard about tough love in meetings. It may be what is necessary to save her life.
As for yourself, I admire you for knowing that you need to take care of yourself. My own Mom never would go to meetings and today she is having alot of anxiety and depression that she won't get help for either. She praises the help that I have gotten and how it helped me to turn my life completely around. But she's in denial about any problems her self. Addiction truly is a family disease. I will pray for both of you. Take care of you my friend, you can only do so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I found in the UK that when alcohol or drugs are involved no doctor will do anything. You have to be totally sober and not under the influence of any substances.
I know this cos the 2 times ive taken my B/F by ambulance to the hospital when hes been slicing his arms up or threatening suicide they kept him til hes sober, give him the Samaritans helpline number and send him on his way! Nice huh?!
Then the GP said he would refer him to a Psychiatrist but couldnt guarentee he would ever get seen! HE WAS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF!
4 months later we have had no letter acknowledging this referal at all.
The UK'S mental heath system is totally pathetic and it really needs a drastic change
I know this cos the 2 times ive taken my B/F by ambulance to the hospital when hes been slicing his arms up or threatening suicide they kept him til hes sober, give him the Samaritans helpline number and send him on his way! Nice huh?!
Then the GP said he would refer him to a Psychiatrist but couldnt guarentee he would ever get seen! HE WAS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF!
4 months later we have had no letter acknowledging this referal at all.
The UK'S mental heath system is totally pathetic and it really needs a drastic change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Alot of women experience the emergence of mental illness symptoms a little later than men. (mid to late twenties) This is true with Schizophrenia, and with Bi polar disorder.No, its not true across the board, just on average.
Yes, I know that there is a dark and painful path ahead for my daughter, as she gets sicker and sicker as the mental health system stands by and waits for her to break. ..when she finally breaks I pray they are willing and able to pick up the pieces.
I am so angry at them - they are supposed to help people who are mentally ill. If my daughter had a broken leg they would help her. If she had cancer they would help her. Why won't they help her when her mind is broken?
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