looking for gems of wisdom
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
looking for gems of wisdom
I'm pasting text below from a post I did on the ?Relationships? board on SR. I guess I must still be in need, searching for relevant gems of wisdom on this one:
I've been to AlAnaon meetings (2 so far) and doing tons of reading & research and it seems ever since, I am in a state of no-emotion or depression or confusion?? Maybe it's full realization-- me understanding how I've been treated over the years, understanding that I allowed myself to be treated that way. I don't like feeling this way, of course, but I can't pull myself out it.
I'm so distant from my RAH, verbally, emotionally & physically. I'm learning to give my own emotions, needs and thoughts some priority and I'm expecting him to be patient with me.
(I've been sleeping in another room cuz our intimate life has become so intolerable to me, unspecial, and so much "going-thru-the-motions". I just need some time.)
He's like an impatient customer standing in a long checkout line.
I do have to give him credit b/c he's definitely been working on himself, too. At the same time though, I've already seen his selfishness sneak back in--he's let me know that he's having a hard time being patient, that he needs affection. I've told him that since he's been sober (last 7-8 years) I've been patient, waiting for him to get professional help or go to AA (just started about 2 months ago) and he's lost patience after 2 weeks waiting for me to get thru what I've been dealing with! I told him I deserve better than that. I think I'm fearful that history will repeat itself, it always does for us, more fights, more selfishness.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? I want to pull out of this depression/emotional separation because my h has been really working on his recovery and we both want our relationship to get better. I know this will all take a long time and that his alcoholic behaviors won't disappear overnite. But this one's really been tough to figure out.
I've been to AlAnaon meetings (2 so far) and doing tons of reading & research and it seems ever since, I am in a state of no-emotion or depression or confusion?? Maybe it's full realization-- me understanding how I've been treated over the years, understanding that I allowed myself to be treated that way. I don't like feeling this way, of course, but I can't pull myself out it.
I'm so distant from my RAH, verbally, emotionally & physically. I'm learning to give my own emotions, needs and thoughts some priority and I'm expecting him to be patient with me.
(I've been sleeping in another room cuz our intimate life has become so intolerable to me, unspecial, and so much "going-thru-the-motions". I just need some time.)
He's like an impatient customer standing in a long checkout line.
I do have to give him credit b/c he's definitely been working on himself, too. At the same time though, I've already seen his selfishness sneak back in--he's let me know that he's having a hard time being patient, that he needs affection. I've told him that since he's been sober (last 7-8 years) I've been patient, waiting for him to get professional help or go to AA (just started about 2 months ago) and he's lost patience after 2 weeks waiting for me to get thru what I've been dealing with! I told him I deserve better than that. I think I'm fearful that history will repeat itself, it always does for us, more fights, more selfishness.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? I want to pull out of this depression/emotional separation because my h has been really working on his recovery and we both want our relationship to get better. I know this will all take a long time and that his alcoholic behaviors won't disappear overnite. But this one's really been tough to figure out.
Last edited by best; 10-01-2007 at 06:43 PM. Reason: html correction
oops! sorry, the html coding didn't work here
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Try [] instead for the code?
Your post stirs up some unconfortable memories for me. I shudder still when I hear the phrase "let's draw a line in the sand" - I heard that so often when my ex wanted to brush the (recent) past under the carpet and start afresh. It didn't work like that for me.
As for intimacy, well, I could talk till the cows come home about this. In a nutshell, I felt like my ex sought love via sex and I sought sex out of love. When there was no demonstration of love, I just had no desire and in fact felt like he was taking even more from me. I have heard it said many times that many problem drinkers have a "hole in their soul" and I certainly felt like my ex was trying to fill that via sex. I can never imagine ever demanding "conjugal rights", which is what he was doing, in effect. Foreplay starts outside the bedroom and he was atrocious at that aspect. Yes it always seemed to be my fault that he wasn't getting his end away! Indeed, he started posting on SR and his very first post was to try and elicit support from other As to back up his argument that I was being unreasonable, rather than asking for support for any one of his many issues.
I feel for you, hon. It's not a nice situation to be in. Is this how you envisaged your marriage to be?
Your post stirs up some unconfortable memories for me. I shudder still when I hear the phrase "let's draw a line in the sand" - I heard that so often when my ex wanted to brush the (recent) past under the carpet and start afresh. It didn't work like that for me.
As for intimacy, well, I could talk till the cows come home about this. In a nutshell, I felt like my ex sought love via sex and I sought sex out of love. When there was no demonstration of love, I just had no desire and in fact felt like he was taking even more from me. I have heard it said many times that many problem drinkers have a "hole in their soul" and I certainly felt like my ex was trying to fill that via sex. I can never imagine ever demanding "conjugal rights", which is what he was doing, in effect. Foreplay starts outside the bedroom and he was atrocious at that aspect. Yes it always seemed to be my fault that he wasn't getting his end away! Indeed, he started posting on SR and his very first post was to try and elicit support from other As to back up his argument that I was being unreasonable, rather than asking for support for any one of his many issues.
I feel for you, hon. It's not a nice situation to be in. Is this how you envisaged your marriage to be?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Seek,
It sounds like you'd both like it to work out, somehow. Have you thought about marriage counseling, to work through the barriers and the resentments?
I could not stay in a marriage where there was no affection (and affection does not mean sex to me), no intimacy, and where so much trust had been lost. But that's just a personal preference.... I recognize that you don't seem to be considering leaving, and so...maybe there is a way you can air your differences somehow?
Hugs to you, seek -- you are trying so hard, and my heart breaks for you
GL
It sounds like you'd both like it to work out, somehow. Have you thought about marriage counseling, to work through the barriers and the resentments?
I could not stay in a marriage where there was no affection (and affection does not mean sex to me), no intimacy, and where so much trust had been lost. But that's just a personal preference.... I recognize that you don't seem to be considering leaving, and so...maybe there is a way you can air your differences somehow?
Hugs to you, seek -- you are trying so hard, and my heart breaks for you
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
yes..been there and done that , and i'm not totally well.
Yeap the last 5 years had been insane. Now that I'm totally
burnt out from trying to keep everything together and picking
up after her mess and her off the floor,
been run over by her.. she ran me over with her car.
so..she deems that i should just get well just becuase she's ready ???
I don't think so...not on her time or what she thinks is right for me.
Imagine that...she going to tell me what's best for me...
why ??? my mind and body is giving all kinds of singles.
I'm tire..it's as simple as that.
i'm taking a time out. I'm totally tired, tired, tired.
I need the rest, a vacation.
I don't need the pressure, i don't want to know what is the right
thing to do, I don't want to try..I want to rest.
I'm too tired to be depressed...don't have the energy to be depressed.
I'm hurted, but I'm too tired for that too , now.
I'm getting better each day just from proper rest.
I don't beat up myself.
I'm resting...why ??? becuase my mind and body is giving me signals.
rest !!!!
Yeap the last 5 years had been insane. Now that I'm totally
burnt out from trying to keep everything together and picking
up after her mess and her off the floor,
been run over by her.. she ran me over with her car.
so..she deems that i should just get well just becuase she's ready ???
I don't think so...not on her time or what she thinks is right for me.
Imagine that...she going to tell me what's best for me...
why ??? my mind and body is giving all kinds of singles.
I'm tire..it's as simple as that.
i'm taking a time out. I'm totally tired, tired, tired.
I need the rest, a vacation.
I don't need the pressure, i don't want to know what is the right
thing to do, I don't want to try..I want to rest.
I'm too tired to be depressed...don't have the energy to be depressed.
I'm hurted, but I'm too tired for that too , now.
I'm getting better each day just from proper rest.
I don't beat up myself.
I'm resting...why ??? becuase my mind and body is giving me signals.
rest !!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm really not into religion ,but i've read the bible here and there.
JC would go to the mountains and spend 40 days and 40 nights
in the wilderness..away from man, away from society, when It
got to be too chaostic for him. and he's suppost to be a god.
He practice it. He needed to regroup, heal and rest.
alone, by himself...away for his followers even.
I'm taking a Q from him. I guess in the modern world
we can term it as "time out"
even recoverying alki gose on a spiritaul retreat or what have ya.
so, would it not be just as healthy for a codi to do the same for healing ?
In this day and age of the modern world..of faster, faster, faster.
productive, productive and more, more, more.
we forget that or loose sight of it.
JC would go to the mountains and spend 40 days and 40 nights
in the wilderness..away from man, away from society, when It
got to be too chaostic for him. and he's suppost to be a god.
He practice it. He needed to regroup, heal and rest.
alone, by himself...away for his followers even.
I'm taking a Q from him. I guess in the modern world
we can term it as "time out"
even recoverying alki gose on a spiritaul retreat or what have ya.
so, would it not be just as healthy for a codi to do the same for healing ?
In this day and age of the modern world..of faster, faster, faster.
productive, productive and more, more, more.
we forget that or loose sight of it.
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by SaTiT 
i'm taking a time out. I'm totally tired, tired, tired.
I need the rest, a vacation. I don't need the pressure, ...
I need the rest, a vacation. I don't need the pressure, ...
I've been listening to myself lately and I'm not letting him pressure me, and ya know what? I'm doing pretty damn good, making progress.
Thanx to all, for reminding me that I'm doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome here.......stick around - read - read - read - and then read some more..
It sounds to me that he's got a bad case of "stinkin thinkin"...... a dry drunk kind of thing going on.. A recovered alcoholic is not recovered without a good solid program of 12 steps hunny. They need help in changing the irrational thinking that came about due to their drinking days...and without a program of some kind they haven't any idea, or why or how to change the thinking pattern brought about by the alcoholism. Urge him into a program and you may want to go to Alanon too. So YOU can keep your side of the street clean....JMHO... take care
Janitw
It sounds to me that he's got a bad case of "stinkin thinkin"...... a dry drunk kind of thing going on.. A recovered alcoholic is not recovered without a good solid program of 12 steps hunny. They need help in changing the irrational thinking that came about due to their drinking days...and without a program of some kind they haven't any idea, or why or how to change the thinking pattern brought about by the alcoholism. Urge him into a program and you may want to go to Alanon too. So YOU can keep your side of the street clean....JMHO... take care
Janitw
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
