Can't let go of my anger.......
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
So true. I was angry for the last 5 or 6 years of my marriage. It did me no good whatsoever. I was angry all the time and took it out on my AH, plus, to a lesser extent, my children, coworkers, other drivers on the road, etc. 
When you are just angry and not doing anything about it, it can be a very negative thing. But when the anger motivates you to change things, to get out of the situation that is making you angry, then it is a positive thing. I was still angry for a long time after we separated, but it caused me to work on my self and my life and eventually the anger faded. I think anger is inevitable when dealing with A's in our lives. Action seems to be the difference between ongoing anger and passing anger. At least for me it was.
L
When you are just angry and not doing anything about it, it can be a very negative thing. But when the anger motivates you to change things, to get out of the situation that is making you angry, then it is a positive thing. I was still angry for a long time after we separated, but it caused me to work on my self and my life and eventually the anger faded. I think anger is inevitable when dealing with A's in our lives. Action seems to be the difference between ongoing anger and passing anger. At least for me it was.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Don't let him live in your head rent free hunny......let go and let God. He will take care the two of you. I was and still am so very angry that sometimes I just can't sit still....but in reality I know that I let it happen to myself because somehow and in some way I needed it I guess. How sick was that? He is addicted to the alcohol but we are addicted to the alcoholic. Never a truer statement. Just let it go and let it pass. When you finally let it release from your heart....the healing can then begin. We all heal in different time frames and sometimes it takes a very very long time. Every situation is different because all of our stories and time frames are different but yet we can still all relate to one another because the disease is the same. For some reason I haven't gotten to the point where the healing can begin yet.....I can feel it coming though....I'm just not there yet. Must be my Armenian blood...he he . Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Janitw 
I was and still am so very angry that sometimes I just can't sit still....but in reality I know that I let it happen to myself because somehow and in some way I needed it I guess. How sick was that?
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
I am still angry at times...
I let myself feel it, I find that fighting anger just makes me feel worse, and my anger is justified. Anger also feels better than being down on myself, feeling guilty or bad or as though there was something more I could have done that I did not do.
Anger is not necessarily the best feeling in the world, but it beats being depressed, and if you try to deny your anger it may manifest itself as depression... and that is all depression is, anger turned inward.
It will pass, I know this from when my marriage failed when I was in my early 20s, eventually I got past being PO'ed... it took over a year for me to get there. The deeper the anger, the longer it takes to get past it. I also think that if this is the first time you have experienced such anger it might take you a little longer to get there. The first cut is the deepest.
Just know you feel what you feel until you feel differently, and just take care of the wonderful person that is you, and enjoy doing that.
I let myself feel it, I find that fighting anger just makes me feel worse, and my anger is justified. Anger also feels better than being down on myself, feeling guilty or bad or as though there was something more I could have done that I did not do.
Anger is not necessarily the best feeling in the world, but it beats being depressed, and if you try to deny your anger it may manifest itself as depression... and that is all depression is, anger turned inward.
It will pass, I know this from when my marriage failed when I was in my early 20s, eventually I got past being PO'ed... it took over a year for me to get there. The deeper the anger, the longer it takes to get past it. I also think that if this is the first time you have experienced such anger it might take you a little longer to get there. The first cut is the deepest.
Just know you feel what you feel until you feel differently, and just take care of the wonderful person that is you, and enjoy doing that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
I needed this post today -- I really really did. I am having a terrible time fighting my anger. My abf home from rehab, being positive - trying to take the right steps and here I am barely able to smile b/c I have been so hurt by his choices.
I feel confused on what parts I am responsible for: am I angry at myself b/c I stayed and am still here? or is it his fault for doing what he did that affected me.
I understand they were his actions and he is responsible, but how was I not to be affected/hurt if I cared? Especially if they were directed towards me.
I try to just keep reading daily, try to keep the same expectations for myself as I do for him.
And yes I have realized my codie ways and that they existed long before the abf, they have just now been inflamed.
He told me yesterday ( in the most loving way possible) that I am the most negative person in his recovery. That stung, BAD. I've gone through so much, and I feel like I just can't let it all go. I still have this burning cause requesting him to PROVE IT to me things have changed. He is willing to go to couples counseling and everything. But I feel numb and then angry numb and then angry. I guess I should be happy he's so willing to try, but even that is hard.
I really identify with Heather when she states she can keep it together for a few days and then it all comes flowing up like a volcano.
I feel confused on what parts I am responsible for: am I angry at myself b/c I stayed and am still here? or is it his fault for doing what he did that affected me.
I understand they were his actions and he is responsible, but how was I not to be affected/hurt if I cared? Especially if they were directed towards me.
I try to just keep reading daily, try to keep the same expectations for myself as I do for him.
And yes I have realized my codie ways and that they existed long before the abf, they have just now been inflamed.
He told me yesterday ( in the most loving way possible) that I am the most negative person in his recovery. That stung, BAD. I've gone through so much, and I feel like I just can't let it all go. I still have this burning cause requesting him to PROVE IT to me things have changed. He is willing to go to couples counseling and everything. But I feel numb and then angry numb and then angry. I guess I should be happy he's so willing to try, but even that is hard.
I really identify with Heather when she states she can keep it together for a few days and then it all comes flowing up like a volcano.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
Here is the thing, we are all responsible for our own choices. This makes it easier to get over being angry with him. You picked him, you have stayed with him, and anything you do not like about your situation you have allowed. So you are probably more than just a little angry at yourself... sounds pretty understandable to me.
No one can make us feel anything... there is the first rule.
We get something out of what we have allowed... there is another rule.
I find myself asking myself what is it that I want. I do not consider what anyone else wants until I get straight on what it is that I want. I know I have the power to make that happen, no one else has that power over me. I think that we codependent sorts tend to believe we have given our power away, and we have... but we can gain it back too. Your recovering boyfriend has no power over you, and you have no power over him. He cannot control you with his drinking, and you cannot control his drinking....
I have never been as unselfish as I am today, and yet I am getting here by being completely selfish. I think about what Julia wants. I spend time on Julia first. I do not even think about my 17 year old and what he wants before I think about what I want. When I feel angry, it's ok, because everything that Julia feels is valid. My son and I have developed a deeper relationship as a result... he respects me as a person with needs now.
As far as being negative, if he feels it is in his way of his recovery then he will have to do what he has to do.. if that means the two of you need to split, then perhaps that needs to happen. You are not responsible for his recovery or lack thereof... HE IS. If you want to be negative, angry, sad, overwhelmed, and this is a part of your healing process... well get on with it and feel the things you need to feel.
I am only saying this because his stating you are the most negative person in his recovery process is a little like controlling you and telling you what you are experiencing and feeling is invalid.... and I would be pissed off about that too. In fact I am pissed off every time I think about how my former boyfriend said things to invalidate me and how I felt, that is abuse.
See, I am angry as I write this... laughing at my anger here... so you may want to discount all of what I wrote because it is all about you and what you need to feel and how you think of it... If I shared anything that helped you that really makes my day because that is why I share things with others... to be helpful (and yes, even that is a bit selfish on my part.... but I am ok with that...lol)
No one can make us feel anything... there is the first rule.
We get something out of what we have allowed... there is another rule.
I find myself asking myself what is it that I want. I do not consider what anyone else wants until I get straight on what it is that I want. I know I have the power to make that happen, no one else has that power over me. I think that we codependent sorts tend to believe we have given our power away, and we have... but we can gain it back too. Your recovering boyfriend has no power over you, and you have no power over him. He cannot control you with his drinking, and you cannot control his drinking....
I have never been as unselfish as I am today, and yet I am getting here by being completely selfish. I think about what Julia wants. I spend time on Julia first. I do not even think about my 17 year old and what he wants before I think about what I want. When I feel angry, it's ok, because everything that Julia feels is valid. My son and I have developed a deeper relationship as a result... he respects me as a person with needs now.
As far as being negative, if he feels it is in his way of his recovery then he will have to do what he has to do.. if that means the two of you need to split, then perhaps that needs to happen. You are not responsible for his recovery or lack thereof... HE IS. If you want to be negative, angry, sad, overwhelmed, and this is a part of your healing process... well get on with it and feel the things you need to feel.
I am only saying this because his stating you are the most negative person in his recovery process is a little like controlling you and telling you what you are experiencing and feeling is invalid.... and I would be pissed off about that too. In fact I am pissed off every time I think about how my former boyfriend said things to invalidate me and how I felt, that is abuse.
See, I am angry as I write this... laughing at my anger here... so you may want to discount all of what I wrote because it is all about you and what you need to feel and how you think of it... If I shared anything that helped you that really makes my day because that is why I share things with others... to be helpful (and yes, even that is a bit selfish on my part.... but I am ok with that...lol)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Anger is a symptom
What normal person wouldn't be in a near state of anger trying to live within the logic of an alcoholic? An alcoholic has an invisible field around them, the closer you get to it, the angerier you are. The longer you stay within that field, the more their goo sticks to you.
In most other cases it is heroic to stay, to stick it out and fight the good fight.
In most other cases we see a harvest for what we've sown.
The seeds looked great when we planted them.
In most other cases it is heroic to stay, to stick it out and fight the good fight.
In most other cases we see a harvest for what we've sown.
The seeds looked great when we planted them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I remember just being angery at my GF for three months.
after three years of chaos.lol
Any contact with her I would be stupid angery with her.
I was sick and tired of being sick tire...drained, bewilder and pissed.
For the lights of me I wouldn't make out why an intelligent woman
like her can do such a thing and I know how she was when she was
clean and sober working a recovery program. We had 5 great year together
until the monster/alcoholic showed up.
And for the lights of me..I coudn't figure out why i couldn't
leave and kept going through all of the pain and chaos again
and again.
anyway, those where insane, painful. chaostic times.
I knew I was sick. i would barely think straight and that
pressure in my head felt like my brain was going to explode.
I belive seperations at that piont was what got me better.
bascially my friends hid me from her and prevented me from
see her.
at that stage it was a crazy cycle that was out of control
The only chance for anyone of us to get well was to splite up.
We couldn't do it by ourselves becase we were both cuaght in the
storm.
For me that's what happened..becuase my brain was in such as
state of confussion..i seriousely thought i was crazy. everything
was a blurr and I wasn't the one drinking or using.
The seperations and time for me to heal, rest and sleep
before i could even consider about forgiveness.
after three years of chaos.lol
Any contact with her I would be stupid angery with her.
I was sick and tired of being sick tire...drained, bewilder and pissed.
For the lights of me I wouldn't make out why an intelligent woman
like her can do such a thing and I know how she was when she was
clean and sober working a recovery program. We had 5 great year together
until the monster/alcoholic showed up.
And for the lights of me..I coudn't figure out why i couldn't
leave and kept going through all of the pain and chaos again
and again.
anyway, those where insane, painful. chaostic times.
I knew I was sick. i would barely think straight and that
pressure in my head felt like my brain was going to explode.
I belive seperations at that piont was what got me better.
bascially my friends hid me from her and prevented me from
see her.
at that stage it was a crazy cycle that was out of control
The only chance for anyone of us to get well was to splite up.
We couldn't do it by ourselves becase we were both cuaght in the
storm.
For me that's what happened..becuase my brain was in such as
state of confussion..i seriousely thought i was crazy. everything
was a blurr and I wasn't the one drinking or using.
The seperations and time for me to heal, rest and sleep
before i could even consider about forgiveness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
This post continues to keep on giving.
My anger seems to wrap itself in resentment, insecurity and create a HUGE snowball. Only when I get SO fed up with whatever is tearing me apart inside can I begin to remove the pieces and try to examine them - even then, that requires ALOT of willingness.
Selah- sounds like your brain is also in alot of confusion. The other day someone pointed out to me - What the hey, Heather, OF COURSE you are going to be resentful/angry? He is ready to turn his life around and you are STILL healing.
STILL healing? I don't even know if I've gotten very far in that at all, but I was able to understand that I shouldn't expect myself to be upbeat, positive and committed to being supportive. When I try to force myself to be that way and give pieces away of me that I don't have to give, that is when the resentment follows. This is very difficult for me to write, because I am taking my part in it- and doing that reminds me that I have been a volunteer in all of this. It takes so much inside of me not to let the codie part of me beat myself up because what decent person would volunteer to go through this?
Like you said, Selah, I TOO see that my codie ways have existed BEFORE abf arrived on the scene. Everything that happened just stirred them up again. I am reading a book by Nathaniel Branden now called Honoring the Self and am AMAZED at how much I see myself when he describes the ways in which we disown ourselves. It has given me tremendous insight into what I am feeling and what it means and more importantly- that it is not my fault I became this way, but that I do have a responsibility to change the way I think - without beating myself up.
My anger seems to wrap itself in resentment, insecurity and create a HUGE snowball. Only when I get SO fed up with whatever is tearing me apart inside can I begin to remove the pieces and try to examine them - even then, that requires ALOT of willingness.
Selah- sounds like your brain is also in alot of confusion. The other day someone pointed out to me - What the hey, Heather, OF COURSE you are going to be resentful/angry? He is ready to turn his life around and you are STILL healing.
STILL healing? I don't even know if I've gotten very far in that at all, but I was able to understand that I shouldn't expect myself to be upbeat, positive and committed to being supportive. When I try to force myself to be that way and give pieces away of me that I don't have to give, that is when the resentment follows. This is very difficult for me to write, because I am taking my part in it- and doing that reminds me that I have been a volunteer in all of this. It takes so much inside of me not to let the codie part of me beat myself up because what decent person would volunteer to go through this?
Like you said, Selah, I TOO see that my codie ways have existed BEFORE abf arrived on the scene. Everything that happened just stirred them up again. I am reading a book by Nathaniel Branden now called Honoring the Self and am AMAZED at how much I see myself when he describes the ways in which we disown ourselves. It has given me tremendous insight into what I am feeling and what it means and more importantly- that it is not my fault I became this way, but that I do have a responsibility to change the way I think - without beating myself up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
When I try to force myself to be that way and give pieces away of me that I don't have to give, that is when the resentment follows. This is very difficult for me
something like that or that's pretty much how i felt.
Or when the other person, deem that i should still be well or functional and have all the energy
and just totally forgot or fail to recognize what a living hell is was for me and throws in phrase
that I volunteer for all of this madness...it makes me even more angery.
No..I don't want pitty...just a little bit of understanding.
My plans and goals in life deffernently wasn't this !
but hey...I can't expected a newly sober person to have the type of patient or understanding
when they're on a pink cloud...
all my gf has to do is read the book.
"look ma...the storm is over. Why the hell do you look so sad?"
something like that or that's pretty much how i felt.
Or when the other person, deem that i should still be well or functional and have all the energy
and just totally forgot or fail to recognize what a living hell is was for me and throws in phrase
that I volunteer for all of this madness...it makes me even more angery.
No..I don't want pitty...just a little bit of understanding.
My plans and goals in life deffernently wasn't this !
but hey...I can't expected a newly sober person to have the type of patient or understanding
when they're on a pink cloud...
all my gf has to do is read the book.
"look ma...the storm is over. Why the hell do you look so sad?"
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