queenteree

What a headline for a thread right? As if, duh, why are we all here?! After being sober over 14 years, relapsing for 5, a month of rehab, sober for 98 days and his new sobriety date being 9/12 - he's been "secretly" drinking since Sunday. I say secretly cause he thinks I can't tell. Actually, he hasn't been drunk till tonite though. I can tell when he only has a few and not drunk too, so there's no getting around it. But thanks to my nightly meetings of Alanon, I am better able to cope at this moment. The sad part is, my daughter is working ALL weekend, so I have the kids tonite thru Tuesday (she has to work extra shifts since she is being evicted). How the heck am I going to get to an Alanon meeting in all those days???? I know I am going to go crazy, cause like tonite (and mind you, "he's not drinking" LOL), I was helping them with their homework, they needed a pencil, I got batteries for the sharpener, he's insisting they need "C" batteries when they need "AA". It's a very simple mistake for someone to make, especially if they are "not drinking". There's a big size difference, but I guess to someone who's "not drinking" there isn't (I must
"be drinking" since I noticed that 4 "C" batteries wouldn't fit in there). Then I let the kids color in their room for 1/2 hour before settling down and watching TV before bed. All set, right? Yeah, until he starts saying for them to watch TV now cause he can't understand a f***in word!!!!! So it went gradual from Sunday seeing that slightly "happy" look on his face, to Monday, when he put the pot roast in a double plastic bowl (didn't realize the two were stuck together) and he couldn't turn the lock on the door the right way, to Tuesday when he seemed fine, to Wednesday with the buzzed smile on his face to tonite when he's just plain STUPID!!!! To tell you the truth, I wish he would never stop drinking, I wish he'd just drink and drink and drink and drink cause he has liver disease and he'd drink himself to death quicker. In between his benders right now, his liver is regenerating. I know he loves drinking, and he'll never, ever stop, and I think that since we spent $4500 or more on rehab (which was actually a nice 3 week vacation in the country for him), I think I am going to take $1000 out of our home equity line tomorrow and treat me and the grands for the weekend. Sounds good, doesn't it? Then when he finds out, all hell will break lose. I can't live w/my daughter cause she's more of a pain in the a** than him, but I know I gotta go. But this time, I will act, not react (I hope). Please all, don't let me lose sight of this, I think I may just lose it in a couple of days!!! Help!!! Thanks.
Ter

Barbara52

I'm sorry its getting bad for you. Hopefully talking in here can subsitute a little bit for missing meetings. I know I find this place very helpful in so many ways.

Take some deep breaths and try to center yourself. You will get through this and life will get better.

minnie

Sorry to hear this.

Can your daughter not get a sitter for when you go to al-anon?

MadTuba

phone, email, homing pigeon....al-anon is available to you in all formats. get out that phone list, call anyone and everyone, every day, hour, minute as needed.

Your not alone!

queenteree

Two problems: 1) this computer is in the room where I always send him when he is drunk so I can't get on it for weeks sometimes, and 2) my daughter can't get a sitter while I go to meetings cause I am really her only support. I don't even have family that can watch them. But I am going to have to figure out a way to get on here, even if I have to buy myself a laptop (which I don't want to spend too much money before my divorce, and when AH is drunk, God forbid I spend a time frivolously, all hell breaks loose). Now my granddaughter just came up, she tells me "you know what Grammy, Poppy is drunk, he stinks like beer." Then she says "he just told us to clean up, do we have to." I told her Poppy is not in the real world right now, so just go draw pictures until I tell her to clean up. I guess I'll come back on when they go to bed (if he's not up here already - he likes it up here, he can drink as much as he wants and doesn't have to hide it). I HATE ALCOHOLISM!!!!

minnie

Well, is it not time that your daughter stepped up to the plate and sorted out her own responsibilities, especially as her Mum is going through a tough time?

Really, not being able to buy a laptop because someone else might get angry is beyond the pale. You had a plan before - you had time to revisit it?

queenteree

You're right, I will get out my phone list, they are wonderful people at Alanon. And my daughter needs my help right now cause she had her own "issues" and was evicted and has 2 months to get out, and now she is stepping up to the plate, not asking me for money (I already told her I won't help her and her and her kids would have to live in a shelter and I mean that), and she is working as hard as she can. She just burned too many bridges too, so that's why I'm the only one that can help her w/the kids. And most of my relatives are alcoholics/addicts, so that's no help at all. I will find a way though, even if I have to bring the kids (wouldn't be the first kids at a meeting). Please keep your responses flowing, I could really use them right now. Thanks. He's coming upstairs to sleep. I told him I know he was drinking, that he is drunk, he doesn't have to hide it, I'm not mad, that he can just sleep upstairs and go upstairs upon return from work every day, no more playing when he's ready to get sober, it's a marriage again. Told him even when he's ready to get sober to just live his own life and let me live mine in harmony. He admitted he screwed up and is going to come up here to go to sleep. Talk to you soon. Thanks again.
Terri

LGLG07

(QT) Im so sorry QT .. I saw your title and gasped ! Do whatever you can this weekend to keep yourself sane , even if it means taking your grandchildren out for the entire day ! (It might , emphasize MIGHT , be cheaper than a laptop!)

Im happy though that you seem very strong and well-equipped to deal with this , al-anon and SR are wonderful things arent they?

Keep your head up and keep posting ! Lots of people are here for you !
M

LGLG07

Just read your last post QT . Sounds like you will only be thinking of yourself and realize that you cant control him , his drinking again is certainly no reflection on you.
Keep thinking of you , and your grandkids of course !

Love the Fergie lyrics by the way ! I have the CD and listen to it again and again !

Aquarian

QT sorry to hear all that you're going through. It is intense. When I go through bad stuff, I have always written, usually to myself. Sometimes it was depressing poetry. We are all lucky to have this place and have the support of each other. Hope stuff gets better for you all soon!

denny57

Hang in there, QT. Use the phone list, attend what meetings you can, post here. Many meetings have babysitting - have you checked with your district office?

((()))

hmbld

Big hugs to you QT. It breaks my heart reading what you are going through. No one deserves that, but we've all unfortunately been there and back, a million times over. And you are right Alcoholism sucks!

CBrown

Hang in there! We're here to listen and give support.

CarolD

I'd move the PC
Take the kids to Al anon
and
eat ice cream.

Double Hugs

keepingmyjoy

Boy do I understand the whole "stupid" stuff! You do what you have to stay sane. Take the money and take the kids somewhere peaceful and fun! I think you and I have the same daughter! Only she has no kids--thank God!

Hang in there....we are all with you 100%!

parentrecovers

queentree - i like your plan to act, not react. i struggle with doing that sometimes.

blessings, k

queenteree

Thanks to all of you for being there for me. I slept pretty good last night w/my grandkids in my bed. Got up early, read pages from Courage to Change, realized that my HP is talking to me by 1) all the topics at the Alanon meetings lately I can totally relate to, and 2) by letting me know that AH is never going to stop drinking, plainly shown by all the relapses. Then I remembered the 3 A's (awareness, acceptance and action) and I'm now aware that he will never stop drinking, accept the fact that he will never stop drinking and now have to put a plan of action into place because I know for a fact that I do not want to live like this the rest of my life. I know it will be tough, I have to be real strong, but once it's done, it's done and I can move on w/my life. He apologized this morning, told him not to apologize, he can drink all he wants when he wants provided he goes upstairs. He said "you think I want to do this?" I said "that woman at your meeting said 'nobody relapses by accident, you have to want to relapse". I told him he had the tools available to him, phone numbers, hotline numbers, etc. As the slogan goes "think before you drink" and he said "you're right, I didn't think" I told him I'm tired of excuses and we should just live separate lives until we decide what path to follow (my path is sell the house, but this morning wasn't the right time to say it). Then he asked me if we were still going to my sister's tomorrow w/the kids, I told him that since he will be coming home from the golf course drunk, I think it best that I go alone w/the kids. Then of course, I get accused of not being supportive, that already I'm assuming he will be drunk (well duh, if your pattern has been drunk for 3 weeks straight, 1 or 2 weeks sober then drunk again for 2 - 3 weeks straight for all these years, why would I think anything different?). He said cause he can stop and he's working the program, I told him "yeah, I'm real proud of how great you are working the program, you're only kidding yourself", then I went in the shower to get ready to start my day and he left. I got to find a meeting tonite that takes kids. Any other responses and thoughts are appreciated. Thanks again.
Terri

sunshine321

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so tough. Most of all I'm sorry for your disappointment. I know how it feels to have your hopes dashed all because of addiction. It's hard to be up and down.

You are doing what's good for you and for that you should be proud. I know it must be hard to take on extra responsibility with your grandkids when you are having your own tough times but you sound like the only solid person in their life at the moment. I hope your daughter is getting her act together so she can get as responsible as you are. In the meantime, I have been to many AA and Al-Anon meetings where there wasn't necessarily a babysitter but people brought their kids and asked that they play on their own with coloring, etc. while the meeting takes place. I'm not sure how old your grandkids are but maybe that would work for you. My kids are too small so I need a babysitter but so far haven't been to a meeting with them. Good luck with finding a meeting and like the others said, if you can't make one, check in at SR, and use your call list. It might prove better than a meeting since you can say what you feel and get some feedback. It's more personal.

Hope things turn out better than you anticipate this weekend.

Jenny

elizabeth1979

((Terri))
Reading this brings back some painful memories for me. Drunken conversations, hearing this
, and .

This post actually triggered heart punding in me. The heart pounding was sheer panic and realizing I was out of control and thought I "had" to do something.

Before I moved out, I rearranged the house in a fashion that was easy for ME when he was drinking. Took the computer of the guest room and into the master and threw his crap in the guest room, so he would sleep there, etc and I could use the computer when I couldnt or didnt want to get to a meeting.

I printed out inspirational saying and taped them to desk at work and to pictures of me when I was happy and hung them from my rearview mirror in my car. Anything to remind myself that I as capable of being happy and deserving of a good life.

I feel for you and hope today gets better

Lady BlueMiles

I need a meeting too. And if this helps, here is a share for you. I've been doing pretty good for me, like the knot in my stomach feeling smaller. Now I'm starting to react again.

AH in tears told me he was quitting, would do what it takes etc after latest exploit..two weeks ago. He was dry 4 days, then hiding it a few days. I never said a word.

Last Sunday he cracked a beer in front of me and said don't worry you'll never see me drunk again. I never said a word.

He started drinking more than just a few and getting crabby in the evenings this week and I never said a word.

Wednesday night he drank more than a few and I could see him being tense and agitated talking nonstop and I never said a word.

Thursday night was boys bowling night with A friends and true to form, came home drunk ranting raging insulting, blaming, berating, wanting his freedom...same ol' same ol' and I never said a word.

Today it got to me. I was stewing about being used, lied to, manipulated and my boundaries being violated. Should have picked up the phone list after work but I didn't. Came home and shortly after AH walked in from work and sat down. I went to his beer fridge (yes he has a beer fridge!!!) grabbed a beer, opened it and handed it to him and never said a word. Didn't have to.

I've NEVER done that before. It gave him a strong message.

It was a sober lightbulb moment for him for however long it lasts. He realized I don't ever want to hear the words again that he's sorry, he's quitting etc, he knew if he chooses to drink himself to oblivion every day of his life then it's only ok for him to do without me because I'm moving on. He knows he can scream and rant and rage all he wants if that's who he wants to be, but he realized my boundary still holds and his behaviour crosses the line and he disrespects me. The look on his face told me he knows I am serious and all he has left now are the consequences to live with. He never said a word, and neither did I. It took him a long time to finish that beer but he drank it.

For the first time in our relationship I do not feel concerned with how much he drinks, how often he drinks, where he drinks, or who he drinks with or hangs out with. I am concerned about me and that I don't want be around him anymore.

I really need to go to a meeting tomorrow.