minnie

Stealing from another board on SR, I wanted to share this with you all in case you hadn't seen it. This was pivotal for me - when I measured this against the relationship I had with R, it was found sorely lacking. I realised then that I was settling for something like fiftieth best.


"Your partner wants you to realize your dreams and will do anything to help achieve them.

They are self-sufficient and complete human beings. If not, then you must neglect part of yourself in some way to compensate for their deficiency.

They take responsibility for their own happiness. It is not your job.

They don't use negative tactics for getting their own way or dominating you. Criticism, put-downs, guilt, shame, intolerance, neglect, combativeness, aggression, and threat; the list goes on. Silence can be a negative tactic, if there is communication that needs to take place, and so can defensiveness.

When they speak to you, it is always with love, acceptance and approval.

They support and respect your ideas, beliefs and wishes no matter how different from their own.

Your self-esteem improves when you are together.

Your circle of friends grows.

They do little things to please you.

When something bothers you, they are truly concerned.

They help resolve problems.

They help you find time for yourself. Without this you will never grow.

They share in responsibilities, even with things that are unpleasant or mundane.

Your time is just as valuable as theirs.

They give you freedom to try new things, take chances and to make mistakes. Human beings are constantly evolving and are not meant to be caged physically, emotionally or psychologically.

In short, they provide the security, love and nurturing that is required for you to soar where life itself is wonderful and the relationships are an added bonus. Because you are willing to do the same for them, the relationship will continue to scale new heights while love, honor and respect grows deeper and broader."
~Peggy Walton

LaTeeDa

Wow, when I was with my A, maybe a couple of these were true. Maybe. I've been seeing someone new for about 4-5 months and I would say all but a couple are true. That's just amazing to me.

L

MsGolightly

ain't that the truth?! thanks minnie, i'm keeping this one handy.

CBrown

I forwarded this to two of my girlfriends! To be fair, I'm not sure I could live up to the list!

LaTeeDa

I can live up to that list. I'm not saying that out of arrogance. I believe that a lot of hard work on my part has resulted in my ability to have a healthy relationship. Do I live up to it 100% of the time? No. But, more often than not.

I remember reading here one time to make a list of what you want in a partner. All the traits you would want in the perfect mate. Then take the list and start working on it. Working on YOURSELF. BE that person and you will attract that person into your life. I took that advice to heart. And today, I am living proof that it works. I am not 100% there and the guy I am with is not 100% perfect, either. But, I have to say, it's pretty close. And it is so much better than what I had before. Truly amazing.

L

chero

Okay, I love what the list says but I can't help but wonder if it's true. I mean, are there really relationships out there that are like that?

Some of the items on the list made me cringe because I always wanted them to be true but they weren't so I wrote it off as a character flaw of mine.

CE Girl

NO SAH!!!! Say it ain't so,,,,

But actually,,,,

If I reach back in the bowels of my relationship history, I believe I had that once,,,he,he,he

I learned "healthy" in a relationship, and I can honeslty say, I gave my XA all of those. It just didn't DAWN on me that i should expect the same in return,,

Or maybe it did, and that's why he's an X now,,,

Actually, it was when I realized, I was NOT giving these things, that I recognized my OWN illness.

Peace

elizabeth1979

Well, hells bells.
Im in a healthy relationship...its so wonderful

chrisea

I know a Few people who have this kind of relationship... sadly, they are rare. I think that is why alot of self help books advocate having a good self esteem. So you are comfortable by yourself and you are happy for this peace of your world Imagine ~ living life in peace

sugarpup

I can only imagine such a relationship... I do wonder sometimes if I would know what a real loving relationship feels like... it sounds wonderful though, maybe someday...

prodigal

The attributes listed do not, and cannot, exist in a relationship with an addict who is active in his or her addiction. Add to the mix a codependent partner, and you've got the perfect recipe for disaster.

I think it is particularly noteworthy that nothing in the list deals with our "feelings." There's nothing mentioned about feelings of elation, excitement, or sexual desire. In short, love doesn't have anything to do with that initial "spark" or chemistry, but is far more profound.

I discovered the hard way that relationships based on that spark or sizzle are about my concerns for how I feel; relationships based on respect, reciprocity, and genuine concern for my partner are about my concerns for how the other person feels.

GiveLove

I can say, from personal experience, that yes, there are.

And some that are darned close.

And some that need to get closer, but goshdarnit, they're working on it.

Think of the list as a compass, a road map, to the kind of person you want, and the kind of person you want to be. Most of us will never get there 100% (I know I won't, but I'm getting dangerously close) but the act of trying makes God smile from ear to ear. This is what love is, right?

GiveLove

P.S. the list sounds a lot to me like the SR community...SO much unconditional support....

chero

This list has been haunting me. And Minnie, I just noticed how perfectly your quote goes along with it. That is so interesting. I've been sitting here for five minutes reading it over and over.

Prodigal, I'm glad you pointed this out because I didn't catch it on my own. I'm so confused from trying to figure out how to remove my feelings from the equation.

I realized last night how far I have to go.
I was driving in the car with this guy who is a friend but there is for sure potential there for something more(not that I'm ready for that!). Anyway, I just felt this question rise up in me, 'what if this guy asked you to blah, blah, blah.' It could be anything. This paticular thing was something my XAH would have asked and that I hated! And it was something stupid and easy just something I hated.
Immediately I said I'd do it because he asked me to.

Then I started thinking about this list and I realized that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.
RIGHT?!?!?!?

I hope somebody tells me that is right.