wpgwoman

I have battled with weight issues my entire life. Lost weight, gained it back. Lost an enormous amount, just to gain back even more after a couple pregnancies. Aside from being completely co-dependent, it has been the biggest struggle of my life.

Now I know from reading others posts, that there are many of you out there that have lived or are living with this same battle.

Here's my question. Have any of you ever been confronted by your A's and been called a hypocrite because instead of being addicted to booze or drugs, you're addicted to food. Like who are you to tell me about my problems when you feed your addiction every day.

He then goes on to tell me about a program he watched on TV, where addicts where hooked up to some machine that monitors brain waves, and some chemical in your body was sent to your brain when your addiction was satisfied. This apparently was the same with alcoholics, drug addicts and people addicted to food.

What's the difference, he says. You can feed your food addiction, but you get all high and mighty on me if I slip up?

All I could muster up was it's not the same. It doesn't change me and I don't hurt anyone. He sneered at me and said, obviously you're hurting yourself, it's the same. It's politically correct for you to call me an alcoholic, but society says I can't say "FAT". ********, you're FAT. Boy did that one sting. It hurt alot. I actually weigh less now, than the first day we met.

How the heck do I handle this one. It completely threw me for a loop.

best

I never once said that and never will.

I have no idea what would be proper in such a case...other then ignore his words because we always blame others for or own problems. Put the blame on you so we don't need carry it around.

Now as for what I would do or want to do...

If he calls you fat...laugh at him and tell him to stop or you will sit on him and then just walk away.

Ok I remember what worked... When I gave my wife a list of her issues and then asked her what are my issues that need be fixed... She just said...Thank you for letting me know and I can't think of even one thing right now to tell you.

That left me standing there with my mouth open wondering what just happened?
With no feedback from her, my rant stopped dead in the water.

denny57

Heard it all the time, even in the courtroom during our divorce trial.

Only you can decide how to handle it - part of my process was figuring out what I was doing with someone who would call me FAT in the first place. Everything else is just smokescreens. Looking back now I can see I did feel bad about my weight and what the gain represented - lack of control, lack of will power.

I'm sorry you have to listen to this crap - I know how much it hurts. ((()))

parentrecovers

he's being a bully. and your weight is none of his business! next time he goes there, walk away.

he's doing what alcoholics do.

hugs, k

Rella927

First of all I'm sorry that you are going through this-I was told all my life by my mother (Not an A but a codie) that I was fat, I eat to much, I do not do this etc....even when I weighed 103 pounds at 5'6. My XABF did this as well and my Abrother still does it. It is a very hurtful thing-

I have learned that it is those who lash out with such hurtful words are angry at themselves for whatever they are doing wrong in their own lives. It is not about me, it is about them. What is about me is that I'm feeding into the drama and the chaos and wasting my own energy fueling it for them! I do not do that anymore...

I have a question for you....Are you tired yet of the drama and the tit for tat games? When we contribute to someone with an addiction we are only hurting ourselves not them, they are doing a good enough job of that on their own.

Please think about starting to take care of YOU and stop worrying about what he says does etc... because it is what addicts do and as long as they are using you might as well turn and talk to the wall!

wpgwoman

Thank you all for your kind words. I know this behavior is typically of him when he gets backed into a corner. He always likes to point out the things I am most insecure about.
I always feel like I have to defend myself.

I too spent my growing up years being told by my mother, that because I was fat no one would want me. Gee, wonder how I ended up in a relationship like this.

Honestly, I don't want to be with him. Had my boundaries all written and ready to present to him. I then realized he wasn't even worth my boundaries. I just want him to go. He refuses.

parentrecovers

hey wpg,

my daughter refuses to leave too. in my state/county - you can start an eviction process to have them removed. i don't know about where you live. i'd check with the local police for an answer, if you're interested. just a thought..

support out, k

wpgwoman

In Canada, I can call the police and ask them to remove him. However, I don't want all the drama of that scene, especially in front of the children.

I just want him to pack his things on his own, and walk out the door. I want the simplest solution. I can't handle anything else right now.

Thank you for your response.

best

My wife would say...You can always move out. When I didn't, she said... I am tired of making your choices for you. If you are going to move, do so, if not...do something.
She always seemed to know what was in my head.

Do what is best for you is the best thing you can do for him as well. When I realized she was truly serious, my brain started to become engaged (took two years to get it working as it should) and that was the start of me finding my recovery.
Take care of "you" and the children and your message comes through loud and clear.

CBrown

Well, hold on a minute, let's examine this. Please hear me out and don't flame me! Isn't extreme eating an addiction the same as gambling, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.? There's a difference between abuse and addiction. Remember, sometimes alcoholics will give up the booze and move on to another addiction. So if you are addicted to food (not abusing, but truly addicted) does he not have the right to call that to your attention?

I am a food abuser, but not addicted and yes, I yo-yo. I also have the potential to abuse alcohol, too. I am also a spendaholic. So I am an abuser on three levels that I can think of. Oh, and a codie. To say anything else is to lie to myself. I used my weight struggles to illustrate this to the XABF, too. He was always on me to lose 20 pounds, saying it was for my health. I agreed. I DO need to lose 20 pounds (actually 40!) to be more healthy. That doesn't excuse either of our behavior, but it is there nonetheless. In my case, it is not life-threatening but it certainly is not good for me either. In his case, it is catastrophic.

Whenever he would bring up the 20 pounds, I would say "I agree. If we, as a committed couple, are in this for our health, then we both need to alter our lifestyles in order to live longer together."

The question is: are you addicted to food? Are you eating so much that it IS going to affect your health significantly down the road? Is your eating affecting your family as his addiction is? If you look at your eating honestly and decide it is not causing problems, like true addiction, then I am in agreement with you wholeheartedly. He has NO basis for holding it against you, and you should stick to your guns!

Please take this in the spirit of self-discovery as I intended, never to hurt or insult you! I mention these things because I believe in doing self-examination whenever someone levels a charge at me.

denny57

If someone wants to hold something against me, that is THEIR problem, not mine.

There are always choices. He could be removed when the children are away from the house. He could stay and everyone else move. When faced with a situation in which I believe I am stuck I take my time to find and write down 5 alternative choices. Even if I choose my original path, at least I cannot tell myself I have no choice.

wpgwoman

I appreciate your candor CBrown. In all honesty I don't know if I am addicted to food. I sure love how it tastes though. Have this problem with late night snacking. Don't exactly know why I do it.

I am a size 16 ( maybe closer to a 17/18 recently) I think I look good. So do many other people out there. Big butt, big boobs, few rolls in the tummy area ( three children later) Sure, I know I could stand to lose 20 something pounds. I'm not there yet.

One would think he would be more concerned with my smoking. That I am addicted to. But I suppose he would not get any satisfaction out of confronting me on that since he is a smoker as well. Nothing to hang over my head so to speak.

wpgwoman

Thank you for sharing that, but I'm feeling weak right now, not very strong at all. I'm looking for an easy out, one that is the least confrontational. Odd since that word usually describes my personality.

P.S. It's my house. I shouldn't have to leave my home and neither should my children.

CBrown

WPG, you sound just like me. I'm a 14/16 as well, and it is a struggle. I feel like you - I look GOOD. I love how food tastes too! That's what life is all about, enjoying what we have been blessed with. The temptation to overindulge is always there. That's why we have to exercise self-control. But it doesn't sound like either of us start sweating and shaking when we don't get food.

You hit the nail on the head. He can't pick on you about the smoking because you're both in the same boat. The weight is his only weapon, and it sounds like a pretty lame-o one from your description. Maybe he's jealous because he sees you're winning the battle right now. Maybe he's trying to get you to lower to his level.

My jaw used to drop when my XABF would sit me down and very seriously say "Please, will you lose 20 pounds?" I used to say "Is this because of how I look, or because of my health?" He would of course say it was because of health.

Either way, it was a despicable thing to say to me. First, if it was because of looks, who was HE to say anything? The long, dirty hair? The unwashed clothes? The BO and stinking breath? Before I would take a trip down to the Keys I would have to remind him a dozen times to clean himself up before I got there. The hypocrite! If it was because of health, give me a break! Who's the one killing himself?

Oh, how I wish I could post a before/after picture of R on here without getting in trouble. The picture of how they deteriorate at the end is something to see.

LaTeeDa

My A used anything and everything against me, as long as I was nagging, raging, spewing contempt and disdain, in general, trying to change him. He deflected it back on me every single time. When I finally stopped trying to change him, he had nothing to deflect back. I accepted him for who he was, gave him the opportunity and dignity to make his own choices, and went about making mine. There was no more tit for tat, no more "I know you are, but what am I?" kind of childish power struggles.

Leave him alone with his own stuff, and chances are, he will leave you alone with yours. Then all you have to deal with is your stuff. And hey, if you're happy with who you are and how you look, who cares what he thinks?

L

keepingmyjoy

Mine says to me when he is backed into a corner: "Have another bowl of ice cream!" That is his way to give me a shot about my weight. (Gained w/ the little guy)

As far as addiction to food, no not addicted. But have thyroid issues being dealt with now to help. Don't gain, don't lose. But when under extreme stress w/ him, I will eat a (1) bowl of ice cream. This is my comfort food...don't eat it every day, but occasionally. But yep, should lose some weight and yep, not good for me to carry it around. However...here is the difference...even if I were addicted to food:

After eating my food of choice, I do not turn into the devil incarnate. I do not abuse others around me, I do not step on others boundaries....

But I agree with Denny, this is their problem, not mine or yours.

parentrecovers

i hear you, i don't like the drama either...

k

fluffyflea

Don't loo to him to pack up and leave, they are actually hard to get rid of. you may have to get him to go but you can only do that when you are ready.

Ngaire

gypsyrose

You could be perfect in every way and, if your AH is anything like mine, he'd still find something to be critical of, especially if he thinks it will push your buttons. Life is short and then you die. Eat, drink and be merry I say. As long as it's not hurting anyone, yourself included.

I went to a Scottish Games Festival where some of my favorite musicians were playing their awesome celtic rock. There were a group of women dancing together, wearing unique, kind of gothic looking, very revealing, belly dancing attire. Most of them were quite large. Not something you see everyday. After watching them for awhile, I thought, "wow, they're really attractive." I've always thought that if I gained weight, I'd get big, long, flowing things to wear... things that would make me feel exotic and regal. It made me happy to see those women, enjoying their bodies and not trying to make themselves look like the women in the media by squeezing themselves into clothing a couple of sizes too small.

I'm 43 years old. Have had two children. I'm addicted to imported dark chocolate and eat as much as I want. I don't diet. I'm over 5'5''. My weight's around 110. I'm fairly active but mostly I just have a very active metabolism. My weight's moved around on me a little recently. I woke up one day and discovered I had a little tummy, hips, a butt and even my boobs seemed bigger, nothing huge but it still came as a surprize. I made the mistake of saying outloud that I'd lost my boyish figure. So AH starts trying to get to me by making comments about my weight. Hahaha! I'm laughing so hard my abs hurt.

Please yourself... trying to please them is such a waste of time.

Barbara52

I certainly would agree that his comments about your weight are out of line. He's doing it to manipulate and hurt you it seems to me.

But the weight issue itself may be something you want to work on if its a problem for you.

I view my struggles with my weight as related in some way to the "addictive" gene in my family. For my parents and brothers, it took the form of alcoholism. For me, its taken the form of using food as a means of dealing with emotions, good and bad. When stressed I eat. When angry I eat. When happy I eat. Do you see a pattern there? I have struggled to control and unlearn this behavior.

Overeaters Anonymous works on the same principle as AA. It can be a related sort of problem.