Has you "A" every used your weight against you.....
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mine used it against me all the time, although i was a size 16 when we married. at 5'9", i didn't feel skinny, but i didn't feel super fat either.
so lets look at his comparison of alcoholism and overeating......i cannot get arrested for driving under the influence of food. i don't get all stuffed on freshly made bread, and make an a$$ out of myself my showing up at a family affair, peeing in the bushes, and then picking a fight with everyone else there.
i don't beat the hell out of my wife or kids while under the influence of too much lasagna.
eating too many donuts has never kept me from holding down a job, raising my family, having great times, or being financially and socially responsible.
over indulging in pot roast did not keep me from sending support payments to my children, or from getting to know them, or spend quality time with them.
stuffing myself with chocolate covered graham crackers dipped in ice cold milk never made me into a verbally abusive spawn of satan that could crush everyone near and dear to me with cruel, mean, abrasive, humiliating words.
the need for more food never has made me lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, or con my loved ones for more.
get the picture?????
he's just trying to shift the focus and he is choosing something that he knows is close to your heart......that is what they do....they go in for the kill, so to speak.
so lets look at his comparison of alcoholism and overeating......i cannot get arrested for driving under the influence of food. i don't get all stuffed on freshly made bread, and make an a$$ out of myself my showing up at a family affair, peeing in the bushes, and then picking a fight with everyone else there.
i don't beat the hell out of my wife or kids while under the influence of too much lasagna.
eating too many donuts has never kept me from holding down a job, raising my family, having great times, or being financially and socially responsible.
over indulging in pot roast did not keep me from sending support payments to my children, or from getting to know them, or spend quality time with them.
stuffing myself with chocolate covered graham crackers dipped in ice cold milk never made me into a verbally abusive spawn of satan that could crush everyone near and dear to me with cruel, mean, abrasive, humiliating words.
the need for more food never has made me lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, or con my loved ones for more.
get the picture?????
he's just trying to shift the focus and he is choosing something that he knows is close to your heart......that is what they do....they go in for the kill, so to speak.
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
I view my struggles with my weight as related in some way to the "addictive" gene in my family. For my parents and brothers, it took the form of alcoholism. For me, its taken the form of using food as a means of dealing with emotions, good and bad. When stressed I eat. When angry I eat. When happy I eat. Do you see a pattern there? I have struggled to control and unlearn this behavior.
That being said, I still don't see how he can possibly compare gaining a couple of pounds, to a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse. In my opinion, the only person I am hurting with my weight is me, unlike what happens with his addictions.
Still trying to wrap my head around this one. Just over an hour before he gets home and I can feel the anger starting to build up inside of me again. I hope I can let it go, but knowing me I'll have something to say to try and make myself feel better.
Can you say CODIE.....................
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
mine used it against me all the time, although i was a size 16 when we married. at 5'9", i didn't feel skinny, but i didn't feel super fat either.
so lets look at his comparison of alcoholism and overeating......i cannot get arrested for driving under the influence of food. i don't get all stuffed on freshly made bread, and make an a$$ out of myself my showing up at a family affair, peeing in the bushes, and then picking a fight with everyone else there.
i don't beat the hell out of my wife or kids while under the influence of too much lasagna.
eating too many donuts has never kept me from holding down a job, raising my family, having great times, or being financially and socially responsible.
over indulging in pot roast did not keep me from sending support payments to my children, or from getting to know them, or spend quality time with them.
stuffing myself with chocolate covered graham crackers dipped in ice cold milk never made me into a verbally abusive spawn of satan that could crush everyone near and dear to me with cruel, mean, abrasive, humiliating words.
the need for more food never has made me lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, or con my loved ones for more.
get the picture?????
he's just trying to shift the focus and he is choosing something that he knows is close to your heart......that is what they do....they go in for the kill, so to speak.
so lets look at his comparison of alcoholism and overeating......i cannot get arrested for driving under the influence of food. i don't get all stuffed on freshly made bread, and make an a$$ out of myself my showing up at a family affair, peeing in the bushes, and then picking a fight with everyone else there.
i don't beat the hell out of my wife or kids while under the influence of too much lasagna.
eating too many donuts has never kept me from holding down a job, raising my family, having great times, or being financially and socially responsible.
over indulging in pot roast did not keep me from sending support payments to my children, or from getting to know them, or spend quality time with them.
stuffing myself with chocolate covered graham crackers dipped in ice cold milk never made me into a verbally abusive spawn of satan that could crush everyone near and dear to me with cruel, mean, abrasive, humiliating words.
the need for more food never has made me lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, or con my loved ones for more.
get the picture?????
he's just trying to shift the focus and he is choosing something that he knows is close to your heart......that is what they do....they go in for the kill, so to speak.
That rocked!!! Thank you so much for posting that. I might have to print it and put it on the fridge. You've made me feel a million times better. You've put into words everything I was feeling.
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Originally Posted by wpgwoman
That being said, I still don't see how he can possibly compare gaining a couple of pounds, to a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse.
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Originally Posted by wpgwoman
I too eat to deal with the different levels of emotional issues I go through. Right now it does not seem as important to me as dealing with the immediate issues I'm facing with my A.
Finally, with the help of my therapist, I came to the point where I could actually say to him--do whatever you want, it's your choice. What a relief. It was no longer my job to convince him to change. WOW. And, the bonus is, if you are not attacking him for his drinking, he doesn't have to defend himself by attacking you. Again, WOW.
Give it a try. What have you got to lose?
L
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it is my personal opinion that all addictions come from the same place.....a place very deep and hidden within ourselves that is like a hole that we are trying to fill.
i think this hole comes from early childhood experiences that leave a remarkable impression on us, although the memory may be somewhat distorted and not as intended as we remember it.
anyway, i've read that most people have at least 2-3 addictions, and it is impossible to come out of this life without them. this coming from dr. david dwyers book...or is is dywers?
if i knew how to do that quotey thingy i'd post ltd's second to last paragraph here....about the relief letting go of trying to convince him to change.....awesome post.
i had to know for myself that what my x was saying was just quacking......but trying to explain it to him was like me quacking right back.
i think this hole comes from early childhood experiences that leave a remarkable impression on us, although the memory may be somewhat distorted and not as intended as we remember it.
anyway, i've read that most people have at least 2-3 addictions, and it is impossible to come out of this life without them. this coming from dr. david dwyers book...or is is dywers?
if i knew how to do that quotey thingy i'd post ltd's second to last paragraph here....about the relief letting go of trying to convince him to change.....awesome post.
i had to know for myself that what my x was saying was just quacking......but trying to explain it to him was like me quacking right back.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Wpg...your A's comments to you about your weight are all connected with him justifying his choices via you the codie enabler.
XABF has been trying to pull me back onto the codie dance floor by suggesting he would stick by me if I had a terminal disease (touch wood). He is playing to my sense of guilt. He frequently reminds me how cold and heartless I was towards him the last time we were together (he was on a 10 day drunk). He plays to the weak points which he knows are going to tweak me....hoping to get a reaction because by reacting to him, the dance continues. (Actually I DID have a breast cancer scare a few years before I met XABF and he knows I am still concerned about those statistical chances. And, my cold behaviour towards him was very out of character for me because I am NOT that kind of person....but I do know MY boundaries!)
Don't allow yourself to be drawn in by your A. If he's like my XABF, he will manipulate and twist everything to make himself look better or you look worse. Stay detached and focus on what is best for you.
Re the weight thing. I am not skinny or even slim (don't judge me by my avatar!). I grew up with mother and mostly father telling me I was fat....I am tallish and very big boned...sort of a Slavic build...but basically toned because I walk and hike a lot. My estranged H was always telling me I was too heavy but he is a workaholic so he probably needed something to bash me about as he was not about to start working less. I did put on weight when I was married and, like you, I believe a lot of my snacking was due to my own unhappiness in the marriage. A year before my marriage went into crisis mode, I lost about 15 lbs and everyone told me how great I looked....except for estranged-H who said..."You could lose more"....WTF???? Now when I got to know XABF I was quite self-conscious about being intimate because I thought I was fat and, to his credit, he was wonderfully reassuring about me and boosted my sense of self-confidence. What I did notice, however, was that as his drinking started getting out of control he began to "feed" me. He would buy junky snack food (chips, ice cream, cookies, donuts, candy bars) for me....he wouldn't touch the stuff. It was like he was trying to fatten me up! Maybe he was trying to set me up.
Interesting thread....lots to think about. Thanks for starting it.
ARL
XABF has been trying to pull me back onto the codie dance floor by suggesting he would stick by me if I had a terminal disease (touch wood). He is playing to my sense of guilt. He frequently reminds me how cold and heartless I was towards him the last time we were together (he was on a 10 day drunk). He plays to the weak points which he knows are going to tweak me....hoping to get a reaction because by reacting to him, the dance continues. (Actually I DID have a breast cancer scare a few years before I met XABF and he knows I am still concerned about those statistical chances. And, my cold behaviour towards him was very out of character for me because I am NOT that kind of person....but I do know MY boundaries!)
Don't allow yourself to be drawn in by your A. If he's like my XABF, he will manipulate and twist everything to make himself look better or you look worse. Stay detached and focus on what is best for you.
Re the weight thing. I am not skinny or even slim (don't judge me by my avatar!). I grew up with mother and mostly father telling me I was fat....I am tallish and very big boned...sort of a Slavic build...but basically toned because I walk and hike a lot. My estranged H was always telling me I was too heavy but he is a workaholic so he probably needed something to bash me about as he was not about to start working less. I did put on weight when I was married and, like you, I believe a lot of my snacking was due to my own unhappiness in the marriage. A year before my marriage went into crisis mode, I lost about 15 lbs and everyone told me how great I looked....except for estranged-H who said..."You could lose more"....WTF???? Now when I got to know XABF I was quite self-conscious about being intimate because I thought I was fat and, to his credit, he was wonderfully reassuring about me and boosted my sense of self-confidence. What I did notice, however, was that as his drinking started getting out of control he began to "feed" me. He would buy junky snack food (chips, ice cream, cookies, donuts, candy bars) for me....he wouldn't touch the stuff. It was like he was trying to fatten me up! Maybe he was trying to set me up.
Interesting thread....lots to think about. Thanks for starting it.
ARL
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Originally Posted by ARealLady
What I did notice, however, was that as his drinking started getting out of control he began to "feed" me. He would buy junky snack food (chips, ice cream, cookies, donuts, candy bars) for me....he wouldn't touch the stuff. It was like he was trying to fatten me up! Maybe he was trying to set me up.
Getting Over It
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my husband always said "you stop eating ice cream and i will stop drinking beer." and weight was an issue. I am 5'5 and weigh 140 now after 3 kids. he married me at 130, 15 yrs ago. i dont think that is bad. plus he would say stuff in the beginning of our marriage about my flabby upper arms. so yea, i think it is just a smoke screen. a way to get the attention away from him.
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Originally Posted by denny57
He could be removed when the children are away from the house.
He sounds abusive, and his abusiveness is something that your children are learning is "okay." Look at him, his behaviors, his lack of respect for you. Look at them. Do you want them to turn out that way? Because they are learning how to be adults right here, right now. From him.
If you cannot bring yourself to get him away from you right now, you don't have to. But definitely set some boundaries that, if he crosses them, he will get whacked in the head with a (figurative) shovel. You deserve more than this.
Stress is a leading cause of gaining and keeping on excess weight-- not just because of the compulsive snacking, but also because of the affects it has on the cortisol levels in your blood: http://stress.about.com/od/stresshea...weightgain.htm
I lost 15 pounds after I left my ABF. And I didn't change anything else.
Take care of YOU, wpg. We're here for you.
GL
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Here's a kicker. He just drove off to the store with our daughter. Today is his payday. Typically the the big spender once every two weeks drives off to the corner store to buy ice cream cones for all of us.
"I'm off to get ice cream for everyone, what kind do you want me to get for you"
"None for me thanks, I'm too fat"
Well that look on his face was worth a thousand words. Sorry, couldn't help myself.
"I'm off to get ice cream for everyone, what kind do you want me to get for you"
"None for me thanks, I'm too fat"
Well that look on his face was worth a thousand words. Sorry, couldn't help myself.
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One of the (myriad) reasons why the relationship between my ex and I would never have worked was that I learnt about the concepts of projection and transference and learned to see his comments for what they were - either about him or his parents. So, comments like that were like water off a duck's back. (i.e. quacking!)
What was more important was why I though that a relationship with someone who would make comments like that was worth preserving.
What was more important was why I though that a relationship with someone who would make comments like that was worth preserving.
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I strongly agree with both Embraced and LaTeeDa!
But ... isn't overeating a lot like smoking? Smoking doesn't make you do all the things Embraced listed, BUT it breaks the heart of the family watching a person die from emphysema or heart disease way before that person's time.
And LaTeeDa, it WAS my "tiresome" harping every day that finally alienated my XABF. He just went back to someone who didn't end up reminding him of the promises that he couldn't keep.
Both great points.
But ... isn't overeating a lot like smoking? Smoking doesn't make you do all the things Embraced listed, BUT it breaks the heart of the family watching a person die from emphysema or heart disease way before that person's time.
And LaTeeDa, it WAS my "tiresome" harping every day that finally alienated my XABF. He just went back to someone who didn't end up reminding him of the promises that he couldn't keep.
Both great points.
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Originally Posted by minnie
A smoker who gives up has a glimpse into the drinker's mind. At least, this one did. Any of you spouses who smoke, try stopping for 7 days.
I have promised myself that now that I am on my own, I will quit smoking once I am ready to stick to it. I have cut way back, form 2 packs/day to 1 since I left. So once I get the stress level under control and am ready to go cold turkey, I'll do it. I did manager to quit both times I was pregnant so I know I can do it when I set my mind to it.
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
I did try. But AH wouldn't quit that habit either. LOL Ya can't quit smoking when you live with another smoker.
I have promised myself that now that I am on my own, I will quit smoking once I am ready to stick to it. I have cut way back, form 2 packs/day to 1 since I left. So once I get the stress level under control and am ready to go cold turkey, I'll do it. I did manager to quit both times I was pregnant so I know I can do it when I set my mind to it.
I have promised myself that now that I am on my own, I will quit smoking once I am ready to stick to it. I have cut way back, form 2 packs/day to 1 since I left. So once I get the stress level under control and am ready to go cold turkey, I'll do it. I did manager to quit both times I was pregnant so I know I can do it when I set my mind to it.
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Originally Posted by minnie
Hon, read that back and substitute smokes for drink!
As far as drinking when I still was with AH, I didn't much. Its just not something I do often. Whether I drank or not had no impact on him since he didn't want to even discuss stopping. His response was always that it wasn't gonna happen anytime soon.
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Barb, smokes were my constant companion for quite a long time. Long enough for me to miss them when I gave up, anyhow.
I smoked for lots of reasons - cos I was bored, cos ot was habit, cos it enabled me to procrastinate, cos it gave me comfort. Whatever, I smoked. Giving up made me face up to my own realities. I do the same with food, although I keep that in check much of the time. I only highlighted this because so often drinkers are portrayed as being from another planet. They aren't, they just choose another drug.
As for changing any part of our lifestyle around our partner, I do believe it has an impact. Perhaps not as profound as we would wish, but from little acorns...... I have a responsibility to model a healthy lifestyle to others, physically and emotionally. Whilst I do it for myself, the way I live my life might just cause others to have a little think. And that can be positive or negative, because I sure still have a lot to iron out!
I smoked for lots of reasons - cos I was bored, cos ot was habit, cos it enabled me to procrastinate, cos it gave me comfort. Whatever, I smoked. Giving up made me face up to my own realities. I do the same with food, although I keep that in check much of the time. I only highlighted this because so often drinkers are portrayed as being from another planet. They aren't, they just choose another drug.
As for changing any part of our lifestyle around our partner, I do believe it has an impact. Perhaps not as profound as we would wish, but from little acorns...... I have a responsibility to model a healthy lifestyle to others, physically and emotionally. Whilst I do it for myself, the way I live my life might just cause others to have a little think. And that can be positive or negative, because I sure still have a lot to iron out!
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
I did try. But AH wouldn't quit that habit either. LOL Ya can't quit smoking when you live with another smoker.
May be easier withot a smoker around, but really I doubt if it is much easier.
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