It's All My Fault
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
It's All My Fault
I've been walking around the last few weeks getting angrier and angrier and more and more upset... not because of AH's behavior but because I keep making the mistake of expecting him to behave differently than he does.
Somebody here said something about arguing with an alcoholic being like arguing with someone who's mentally ill. And my AH is probably both an alcoholic and mentally ill. He's so intelligent and successful that I continue expecting him to be rational. That is not only foolish behavior on my part but it is also unfair of me.
There are things AH is better at than I am. I'm not talking about things that I might be able to learn if I tried, like hunting wild boar or snaking out a clogged toilet. He's better at making a living than I could ever be. He's better at dressing up in a suit, interviewing employees, giving newspaper interviews, talking to bankers and judges, impressing clients, and organizing all the details of running a business. Not everyone can do the things he can do... not many people could.
How could anyone be blamed for thinking my AH is sane? He appears to be so functional. Even when he was passing out drunk every night and engaging in psychotic behaviour when he was consious... he was still able to run his business and appear to be functional.
He's not functional when it comes to many of the things most of us take for granted. It's probably the same self centered thinking that makes him successful in business that makes him so disfunctional in other areas. He has no friends. He doesn't want any friends. He can't enjoy anything that involves taking turns or standing in line and pretty much won't do it, which is a good thing because he turns into a raging jerk when he tries. He lacks empathy, not 100% of the time but close. His moods range from civilized and polite to frightening and cruel. I've rarely seen him happy and I can't remember ever seeing him sad. A couple of years ago he told me, that before we met, he went to a therapist who diagnosed him as being a sociopath based on extensive testing. The same therapist diagnosed him with aloholism... which came first the chicken or the egg. The bottom line is there is something wrong with the man's brain. I'm not writing these things to put him down, only to make clear (mostly to myself) why expecting my AH to behave differently than he does is foolish and unfair.
I can not control his behavior, only my own... my mantra for most of our marriage. But I still manage to allow myself to feel shocked, hurt and angry when AH does what he does. I need to tatoo, "let it go," to the palm of my hand.
To be who I want to be, I need to not allow his behavior to effect mine. But I'm only human you know. It's hard not to get hurt and angry... especially when someone is intentionally trying to make me feel that way. Not just someone... someone I expected to love and protect me. But now I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
OMG! I'm actually crying. Well, I suppose it's an improvement over all the useless rage I've been feeling.
Somebody here said something about arguing with an alcoholic being like arguing with someone who's mentally ill. And my AH is probably both an alcoholic and mentally ill. He's so intelligent and successful that I continue expecting him to be rational. That is not only foolish behavior on my part but it is also unfair of me.
There are things AH is better at than I am. I'm not talking about things that I might be able to learn if I tried, like hunting wild boar or snaking out a clogged toilet. He's better at making a living than I could ever be. He's better at dressing up in a suit, interviewing employees, giving newspaper interviews, talking to bankers and judges, impressing clients, and organizing all the details of running a business. Not everyone can do the things he can do... not many people could.
How could anyone be blamed for thinking my AH is sane? He appears to be so functional. Even when he was passing out drunk every night and engaging in psychotic behaviour when he was consious... he was still able to run his business and appear to be functional.
He's not functional when it comes to many of the things most of us take for granted. It's probably the same self centered thinking that makes him successful in business that makes him so disfunctional in other areas. He has no friends. He doesn't want any friends. He can't enjoy anything that involves taking turns or standing in line and pretty much won't do it, which is a good thing because he turns into a raging jerk when he tries. He lacks empathy, not 100% of the time but close. His moods range from civilized and polite to frightening and cruel. I've rarely seen him happy and I can't remember ever seeing him sad. A couple of years ago he told me, that before we met, he went to a therapist who diagnosed him as being a sociopath based on extensive testing. The same therapist diagnosed him with aloholism... which came first the chicken or the egg. The bottom line is there is something wrong with the man's brain. I'm not writing these things to put him down, only to make clear (mostly to myself) why expecting my AH to behave differently than he does is foolish and unfair.
I can not control his behavior, only my own... my mantra for most of our marriage. But I still manage to allow myself to feel shocked, hurt and angry when AH does what he does. I need to tatoo, "let it go," to the palm of my hand.
To be who I want to be, I need to not allow his behavior to effect mine. But I'm only human you know. It's hard not to get hurt and angry... especially when someone is intentionally trying to make me feel that way. Not just someone... someone I expected to love and protect me. But now I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
OMG! I'm actually crying. Well, I suppose it's an improvement over all the useless rage I've been feeling.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
You have expressed very well some of the many frustrations of living with a functional alcoholic .... it is a roller coaster life. I wasted so many years believing my AH wasn't as bad as he seemed ...because he could run a business well and could be so focused and hard working. I clung with hope to all the times he seemed like he was functioning normally, but there were too many times he would come home after a long day of work - only to drink too much and become very obnoxious around his family. Like your husband, he never really had any friends and had trouble connecting to closely to people - he also seemed devoid of empathy. He seemed only concerned about his problems and well being... all while professing to care about his family. Slowly his ability to function began to fail, he energy and his health declined until he could no longer work, leaving me to run his business while having to also care for our sons. He could no longer stay sober during the day, and eventually became totally dysfunctional both mentally and physically.... a far cry from the man years ago that could work very long hours with a sharp, clear mind and finally ending tragically with his alcohol related death. It was a long sad tragic journey that could have ended so differently with many happy memories instead of so many years of hurt and sadness ...had he just made the choice to stay sober.
I hope that things will improve in your life and your husbands... after all we only have one life and we need to cherish every day and do the best we can.
I hope that things will improve in your life and your husbands... after all we only have one life and we need to cherish every day and do the best we can.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 34
I am also guilty of expecting my ah to be someone he is not. I sometimes wonder if everyone goes temporarily 'off' when they have the mid-life crisis(?) I had a switch go off and decided I needed to shed lots of old baggage and LIVE. I decided to laugh more, let things go, try new things, take more chances and make the most out of life. Meanwhile my ah seems to have decided to be more quiet, tired, maybe depressed and dull. He stopped drinking about 6 weeks ago and maybe is still mourning the loss of it. That is why I really wanted him to keep going to AA meetings.
But back to the subject - why do we keep wanting/hoping/expecting them to act and think in a way they won't? When you said their behavior affects yours - I cannot see how it can't. I go through the same thing. I want happiness and he seems ok with moping around.
Boy when they said 'happiness is an inside job' that was SO true. We can make ourselves happy, but not anyone else.
But back to the subject - why do we keep wanting/hoping/expecting them to act and think in a way they won't? When you said their behavior affects yours - I cannot see how it can't. I go through the same thing. I want happiness and he seems ok with moping around.
Boy when they said 'happiness is an inside job' that was SO true. We can make ourselves happy, but not anyone else.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Oh my gosh!
You guys sound just exactly like my parents! Exactly! My dad was very successful in business, didn't want friends, couldn't stand in lines. He actually thought he was entitled to go to the head of the line because "he was so important." We think with him, it's narcissistic personality disorder though, not sociopath. He would never go places with us like Six Flags, because of lines. He would rage all the time, every night. But to the outside world he was "mr. oh so friendly and successful." He always threatened my mom that she would be a failure without him. Maybe she believed him. But finally, after 22 years she divorced him. She got enough money from the divorce that she had options (and if your husband is successful, you probably would too). Her youngest child was still only 7, but she kicked a$$ and went and got a master's degree and is now only a few hours shy of her PhD.
On the other hand, now that it is 17 years later, I can see things from his side of the story. All of us kids and my mom had huge entitlement issues. We thought since he was such a jerk half the time, we were entitled to spend money like crazy and that we did. From his point of view, he thought he was working really hard to provide for us and we didn't appreciate it. He was right, and I think that really contributed to his sadness and drinking.
Alcoholism is definitely a family disease. It affects everyone. From my experience, when I started working on myself, seeing my own character defects, stopped blaming my dad for everything, I felt much more serene. Al Anon is great for this, and I would bet my last dollar that when you stop focussing so much on him, you will find out that you, too, have wonderful talents and much to offer the world!
You guys sound just exactly like my parents! Exactly! My dad was very successful in business, didn't want friends, couldn't stand in lines. He actually thought he was entitled to go to the head of the line because "he was so important." We think with him, it's narcissistic personality disorder though, not sociopath. He would never go places with us like Six Flags, because of lines. He would rage all the time, every night. But to the outside world he was "mr. oh so friendly and successful." He always threatened my mom that she would be a failure without him. Maybe she believed him. But finally, after 22 years she divorced him. She got enough money from the divorce that she had options (and if your husband is successful, you probably would too). Her youngest child was still only 7, but she kicked a$$ and went and got a master's degree and is now only a few hours shy of her PhD.
On the other hand, now that it is 17 years later, I can see things from his side of the story. All of us kids and my mom had huge entitlement issues. We thought since he was such a jerk half the time, we were entitled to spend money like crazy and that we did. From his point of view, he thought he was working really hard to provide for us and we didn't appreciate it. He was right, and I think that really contributed to his sadness and drinking.
Alcoholism is definitely a family disease. It affects everyone. From my experience, when I started working on myself, seeing my own character defects, stopped blaming my dad for everything, I felt much more serene. Al Anon is great for this, and I would bet my last dollar that when you stop focussing so much on him, you will find out that you, too, have wonderful talents and much to offer the world!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Or, perhaps, it's a bizarre world we live in and they get sucked in....
In my case at least. I am totally accountable for the fact that I went out and picked an alcoholic to be my boyfriend because all I knew was MY bizarre world, the one from my childhood, and he fit into that world. I truly believe my disease is just as powerful as my father's/my boyfriend's. Just speaking for myself of course!
In my case at least. I am totally accountable for the fact that I went out and picked an alcoholic to be my boyfriend because all I knew was MY bizarre world, the one from my childhood, and he fit into that world. I truly believe my disease is just as powerful as my father's/my boyfriend's. Just speaking for myself of course!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"arguing with an alcoholic being like arguing with someone who's mentally ill"
"he turns into a raging jerk when he tries"
"he can't enjoy anything that involves taking turns or standing in line"
"the bottom line is there is something wrong with the man's brain"
Gypsyrose, are you SURE you're not married to the man I was involved with for 10 years? Seriously, though, there are so many similarities. Let me fast-forward your husband's life, because I'll tell you how it may end.
My XABF's "secret online/offline life" spiraled out of control, and eventually he had to leave his career in DC politics because of embarrassment. What did he do? Move to South Florida and start drinking HARD. Then he moved to the Keys and got "Keys Disease." If you think your husband is crazy now, imagine how he'll deteriorate once the alcohol mistress really starts to turn the screws to him.
The before picture might be the same as my XABF: tailored suits, vacations in Europe, well-groomed, recognizable names & corporations for clients, seven figures in the bank, the BMW, house in DC and South Beach, dining with the movers and shakers of major cities.
The after picture: living on a dirty houseboat in need of major repairs, in a foul marina, friends also have "Keys Disease", living with a bar serving wench who says nothing but "thank you for the trinkets", delusional (sees "things" in the boat), zero short-term memory, swollen legs, foul breath, bloody teeth, impotent, shoulder length dirty hair, unwashed shorts with urine stains, body odor, cannot drive, drinks 20-25 a day, falls in the water walking back to his boat, and on and on. When I witnessed what he had turned into (after seeing him a few years ago), I wept uncontrollably.
What you see in your husband is where my XABF was ten years ago. He's functioning now, but it is no lie - THIS IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE.
"he turns into a raging jerk when he tries"
"he can't enjoy anything that involves taking turns or standing in line"
"the bottom line is there is something wrong with the man's brain"
Gypsyrose, are you SURE you're not married to the man I was involved with for 10 years? Seriously, though, there are so many similarities. Let me fast-forward your husband's life, because I'll tell you how it may end.
My XABF's "secret online/offline life" spiraled out of control, and eventually he had to leave his career in DC politics because of embarrassment. What did he do? Move to South Florida and start drinking HARD. Then he moved to the Keys and got "Keys Disease." If you think your husband is crazy now, imagine how he'll deteriorate once the alcohol mistress really starts to turn the screws to him.
The before picture might be the same as my XABF: tailored suits, vacations in Europe, well-groomed, recognizable names & corporations for clients, seven figures in the bank, the BMW, house in DC and South Beach, dining with the movers and shakers of major cities.
The after picture: living on a dirty houseboat in need of major repairs, in a foul marina, friends also have "Keys Disease", living with a bar serving wench who says nothing but "thank you for the trinkets", delusional (sees "things" in the boat), zero short-term memory, swollen legs, foul breath, bloody teeth, impotent, shoulder length dirty hair, unwashed shorts with urine stains, body odor, cannot drive, drinks 20-25 a day, falls in the water walking back to his boat, and on and on. When I witnessed what he had turned into (after seeing him a few years ago), I wept uncontrollably.
What you see in your husband is where my XABF was ten years ago. He's functioning now, but it is no lie - THIS IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by CBrown 
He's functioning now, but it is no lie - THIS IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by CBrown
[I]He's functioning now, but it is no lie - THIS IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE.
No truer words have ever been spoken. We're on the verge of losing everything due to the progression of his disease. But you know what? It's the best thing that ever happened really. I feel much better with it all out in the open and I'm learning that what other people think of me, or my family, really doesn't matter at all. We've all learned a great deal from having the illusion of successful family, successful marriage, successful members of the community, yanked out from under our feet.
Those who truly matter are still there and that the possibilities are endless for us. You really do become a slave to the illusion. To the point you completely lose yourself and who you want to be as a human being. It all gets lost. I am ever so thankful to be getting that back. Certainly went through hell and back to get here, and still have a longer road to go.
Where was I even going with this? I guess I'd like to emphasize that alcoholism doesn't have a class, and I think that one trap we tend to fall in with our denial is that since we are financially "successful", that we always will be, and that the drinking won't ever really effect their jobs, and that since our AH's aren't drunked out homeless bum's, we're not nearly as bad as "those other's".
Okay, I'm through rambling. I hope my point is coming across, I'm having a difficult time today puttinig my thoughts to words.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
recovery is an inside job.
you can blame yourself if that what makes you feel better or comfortable.
Until whatever level of the threashold of pain you reach.
Once you reach that threashold. whatever pain, guilt, shame will cease to
work. You might struggle to try to make it work again at first, but
it'll feel like putting your hand on a burning stove.
Or you can start loving yourself and start taking care of yourself.
The more you love yourself the more self esteem you will gain.
perhapse at some piont this sentance will have greater meaning to you
with all knowing and grace.
" i am a child of god, i have a right to be here. No more nor less than
any suns or stars".....no amount of money can ever purcahse that.
it can't be bought or sold. becuase it's free and all you have to do
is accept it. You can allow yourself to receive it.
if you don't think you deserve it..then maybe you can change your mind
and perhapse ignor those that would tell you that you don't deverse it also.
you can blame yourself if that what makes you feel better or comfortable.
Until whatever level of the threashold of pain you reach.
Once you reach that threashold. whatever pain, guilt, shame will cease to
work. You might struggle to try to make it work again at first, but
it'll feel like putting your hand on a burning stove.
Or you can start loving yourself and start taking care of yourself.
The more you love yourself the more self esteem you will gain.
perhapse at some piont this sentance will have greater meaning to you
with all knowing and grace.
" i am a child of god, i have a right to be here. No more nor less than
any suns or stars".....no amount of money can ever purcahse that.
it can't be bought or sold. becuase it's free and all you have to do
is accept it. You can allow yourself to receive it.
if you don't think you deserve it..then maybe you can change your mind
and perhapse ignor those that would tell you that you don't deverse it also.
Last edited by SaTiT; 09-26-2007 at 03:46 PM.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
This thread in some way relates to last weekend for me. It was my AH's nephews first birthday party on Sunday. It was also the Dover Nascar race. Heaven forbid something get in the way of him watching a race. Well, AH goes with me to the party and plops on the couch as soon as we get there. He got up one time to go smoke and then back to the couch. He didn't eat, have cake, watch him try to blow out the candle or anything. Totally anti-social. I on the other hand had been to Hershey Park on Saturday with the church and didn't get home till almost midnight, got up on Sunday and went to church, and went to the party while being sick with a cold. I was also the one who bought the gift and wrapped it. The best part about the day was that I had a good time and just forgot about him even being there. On the way home though, my mind was raging. I was thinking "Can he be any more fun to be with?" My brother-in-law and his wife know H is an alcoholic. It's all good though because I'm in the planning stages. March is my target date. I am going to have a good life eventually, with or without him. I am now determined.
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