Interesting article for those on the fence..
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Interesting article for those on the fence..
This article has some very pertinent points even though it is not specifically about those in alcoholic/addict marriages:
Top misguided reasons to stay in a bad marriage
by Susan Pease, LCSW, CADC
“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must
give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.”
–Dr. Sonya Friedman
Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling marriages, despite an inner voice urging them to leave. Rather than heed this internal guidance, people seek out or invent reasons to justify remaining.
Many float through life in a perpetual state of confusion or ambivalence because things are not so awful. Being confused, they can’t possibly be asked to make a decision so they rationalize staying with their spouse, waiting for something to happen which will make it clearer as to whether they should keep the relationship together or not.
For others, the fear of the unknown is simply too daunting so they numb out or get distracted to make life with their partner bearable (for example, by workaholism, drug/alcohol addiction, and spending excessively). In some cases, the fear of leaving is not about the unknown, rather it is the known that paralyzes them. The other spouse has threatened the one who wants to leave with some kind of abuse: “outing a secret,” bad-mouthing him or her to friends, loved ones, or employers, or even physical violence. Then there is the segment of this unhappy population who choose to have an affair (in real life or, more and more, in cyberspace) as a way of escaping or even as a way to cause the marriage to end.
Leaving your marriage may be the biggest challenge you will ever face in your life. It is important to contemplate divorce only when all other alternatives have been considered and exhausted. If, however, you truly feel your marriage is over and that you have done all you could to save the relationship, it is more of a disservice to yourself and the world around you to stay.
Remaining married or leaving is a very personal choice to and I highly encourage those who are contemplating divorce to get professional guidance and find or create a tight support network of friends and family. The following information is simply meant to be a guide in making your decision.
Misguided Reason #1 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: The Kids
Many of those who divorce have known that their marriage was over long before they began to actually physically separate. When I ask these people what kept them from leaving sooner, the number one reason they give me is, “because of the kids.” I have no doubt that every parent who has said this believes wholeheartedly that this was a noble and selfless reason to stay. Staying and sacrificing their lives seems like the only thing to do.
Quite often, those who feel committed to keeping things together to this degree are children of divorce themselves. They swear that they will not put their children through what they had to endure. What they don’t understand is that they can get divorced differently than their parents did and spare their children much of what they experienced. How a couple divorces does more to determine how well children fare than the mere fact that they divorced.
While I would agree that being a good parent entails giving up a big part of yourself every day, I also know that you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are not happy, your children will undoubtedly feel that and suffer on some level as well, even if you don’t think your unhappiness shows. Children (and all of us, for that matter) are negatively impacted by being exposed to a loveless, tense, angry environment, regardless of the circumstances in which it has been created. They are impacted more deeply because they have not yet built up the level of defenses that we have. It is as if they have half the thickness of skin that we adults do. The good news is that they also tend to be more resilient than we adults allowing them to recover faster from unhealthy situations.
When you stay in an unfulfilling, unhappy or even abusive marriage, children come to believe that relationships are experiences that entail suffering, pain and even a slow death. You are not happy, your spouse is not happy and, in turn, your kids are not happy. The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more happy people!
Misguided Reason #2 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: Money
While it’s understandable that having become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, most people don’t want to give that up, it’s often not a good enough reason to stay together, especially when your soul and spirit are dying. It is very scary to face the world as a single person after being with a partner for a while, whether it’s one year or thirty years. Of course, it’s scarier for the people who have been in longer-term marriages, or for those who have never worked, have no apparent job skills and who are now faced with having to get a job, but everyone in this kind of scenario feels challenged and overwhelmed.
The expense of keeping up two households is enormous. The spouse who has not been working, or who has worked but earning less, may want to hold on to the financial security blanket and stay with their counterparts. The spouse making more money may justify staying as a way to avoid having to support two households. What I find ironic is that people who marry for money are judged very harshly, but people who stay for the money are not.
Money is not the only financially related perk of marriage. Medical insurance coverage is also a very real benefit that can have a tremendous monetary impact. Many people feel they have to stay married to keep their health coverage. It used to be that couples could agree as part of their divorce settlement to continue the ex-spouse on the employer’s health insurance plan. This is no longer the case. While alternatives for health coverage exist (COBRA’s or private health insurance plans), they are usually temporary and/or quite costly.
Misguided Reason #3 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: You Promised!
Those of you with kids will have heard this (“but you promised…”) said many times. Kids are brilliant and they know that calling you on your word is important and can evoke enough guilt for you to give in to their desires.
Exchanging vows of being together forever is a very powerful exercise. It is a wonderful ideal and it is wonderful that most people do take this commitment seriously. But let’s examine reality again. Seasons change. Tides change. Relationships change. People change. Life situations change. Everything changes. That is life. That is what is supposed to happen.
I remember looking back at my high school yearbook and my friends saying, “never change!” I had to laugh because, although I knew the sentiment behind this comment (you’re a great person and please stay a great person), not changing isn’t really something to aspire to!
Neale Donald Walsch writes about this in his book, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Walsch is talking to God about the whole concept of marriage as we know it. God tells Walsch that the intention of joining two people together was never about binding them, rather, quite the contrary. It was about letting the other person be true to themselves while being true to yourself. Joining with, not attaching to, another soul. He adds that, “until you can predict your future, you cannot promise anything truthfully.” According to Walsch, God does not endorse promising yourself forever to another person as this may not be in both people’s best interest.
While the contents of this book may be controversial due to the fact that this is simply Walsch’s interpretation of what God said, anyone who is aware of what it is to be a conscious, mature, self-actualized adult would agree that healthy relationships are not about controlling or imprisoning others, rather quite the opposite. The trick in any relationship is to change and grow on your path while allowing your partner to change and grow on his or her path. Clearly, judging by the current divorce rates, this is getting harder to do in our complex world.
Conclusion:
Too many couples hide behind these misguided reasons to remain married believing they are “doing the right thing.” While I agree that they are important considerations and should be seriously pondered, I do not believe these reasons, alone or in combination, are enough to warrant remaining in a marriage that is based on anything short of true happiness and mutual fulfillment. Instead of being motivated by fear, guilt, or inertia, I would like to see people begin to make choices based on trust. Movement toward a goal rather than away from fears is a much more powerful place to live from.
Susan Pease, LCSW, CADC, is the founder and executive director of the Transition Institute of Marin. She specializes in assisting women through the divorce process by providing ongoing support groups and educational programs.
Top misguided reasons to stay in a bad marriage
by Susan Pease, LCSW, CADC
“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must
give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.”
–Dr. Sonya Friedman
Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling marriages, despite an inner voice urging them to leave. Rather than heed this internal guidance, people seek out or invent reasons to justify remaining.
Many float through life in a perpetual state of confusion or ambivalence because things are not so awful. Being confused, they can’t possibly be asked to make a decision so they rationalize staying with their spouse, waiting for something to happen which will make it clearer as to whether they should keep the relationship together or not.
For others, the fear of the unknown is simply too daunting so they numb out or get distracted to make life with their partner bearable (for example, by workaholism, drug/alcohol addiction, and spending excessively). In some cases, the fear of leaving is not about the unknown, rather it is the known that paralyzes them. The other spouse has threatened the one who wants to leave with some kind of abuse: “outing a secret,” bad-mouthing him or her to friends, loved ones, or employers, or even physical violence. Then there is the segment of this unhappy population who choose to have an affair (in real life or, more and more, in cyberspace) as a way of escaping or even as a way to cause the marriage to end.
Leaving your marriage may be the biggest challenge you will ever face in your life. It is important to contemplate divorce only when all other alternatives have been considered and exhausted. If, however, you truly feel your marriage is over and that you have done all you could to save the relationship, it is more of a disservice to yourself and the world around you to stay.
Remaining married or leaving is a very personal choice to and I highly encourage those who are contemplating divorce to get professional guidance and find or create a tight support network of friends and family. The following information is simply meant to be a guide in making your decision.
Misguided Reason #1 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: The Kids
Many of those who divorce have known that their marriage was over long before they began to actually physically separate. When I ask these people what kept them from leaving sooner, the number one reason they give me is, “because of the kids.” I have no doubt that every parent who has said this believes wholeheartedly that this was a noble and selfless reason to stay. Staying and sacrificing their lives seems like the only thing to do.
Quite often, those who feel committed to keeping things together to this degree are children of divorce themselves. They swear that they will not put their children through what they had to endure. What they don’t understand is that they can get divorced differently than their parents did and spare their children much of what they experienced. How a couple divorces does more to determine how well children fare than the mere fact that they divorced.
While I would agree that being a good parent entails giving up a big part of yourself every day, I also know that you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are not happy, your children will undoubtedly feel that and suffer on some level as well, even if you don’t think your unhappiness shows. Children (and all of us, for that matter) are negatively impacted by being exposed to a loveless, tense, angry environment, regardless of the circumstances in which it has been created. They are impacted more deeply because they have not yet built up the level of defenses that we have. It is as if they have half the thickness of skin that we adults do. The good news is that they also tend to be more resilient than we adults allowing them to recover faster from unhealthy situations.
When you stay in an unfulfilling, unhappy or even abusive marriage, children come to believe that relationships are experiences that entail suffering, pain and even a slow death. You are not happy, your spouse is not happy and, in turn, your kids are not happy. The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more happy people!
Misguided Reason #2 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: Money
While it’s understandable that having become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, most people don’t want to give that up, it’s often not a good enough reason to stay together, especially when your soul and spirit are dying. It is very scary to face the world as a single person after being with a partner for a while, whether it’s one year or thirty years. Of course, it’s scarier for the people who have been in longer-term marriages, or for those who have never worked, have no apparent job skills and who are now faced with having to get a job, but everyone in this kind of scenario feels challenged and overwhelmed.
The expense of keeping up two households is enormous. The spouse who has not been working, or who has worked but earning less, may want to hold on to the financial security blanket and stay with their counterparts. The spouse making more money may justify staying as a way to avoid having to support two households. What I find ironic is that people who marry for money are judged very harshly, but people who stay for the money are not.
Money is not the only financially related perk of marriage. Medical insurance coverage is also a very real benefit that can have a tremendous monetary impact. Many people feel they have to stay married to keep their health coverage. It used to be that couples could agree as part of their divorce settlement to continue the ex-spouse on the employer’s health insurance plan. This is no longer the case. While alternatives for health coverage exist (COBRA’s or private health insurance plans), they are usually temporary and/or quite costly.
Misguided Reason #3 to Stay in a Bad Marriage: You Promised!
Those of you with kids will have heard this (“but you promised…”) said many times. Kids are brilliant and they know that calling you on your word is important and can evoke enough guilt for you to give in to their desires.
Exchanging vows of being together forever is a very powerful exercise. It is a wonderful ideal and it is wonderful that most people do take this commitment seriously. But let’s examine reality again. Seasons change. Tides change. Relationships change. People change. Life situations change. Everything changes. That is life. That is what is supposed to happen.
I remember looking back at my high school yearbook and my friends saying, “never change!” I had to laugh because, although I knew the sentiment behind this comment (you’re a great person and please stay a great person), not changing isn’t really something to aspire to!
Neale Donald Walsch writes about this in his book, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Walsch is talking to God about the whole concept of marriage as we know it. God tells Walsch that the intention of joining two people together was never about binding them, rather, quite the contrary. It was about letting the other person be true to themselves while being true to yourself. Joining with, not attaching to, another soul. He adds that, “until you can predict your future, you cannot promise anything truthfully.” According to Walsch, God does not endorse promising yourself forever to another person as this may not be in both people’s best interest.
While the contents of this book may be controversial due to the fact that this is simply Walsch’s interpretation of what God said, anyone who is aware of what it is to be a conscious, mature, self-actualized adult would agree that healthy relationships are not about controlling or imprisoning others, rather quite the opposite. The trick in any relationship is to change and grow on your path while allowing your partner to change and grow on his or her path. Clearly, judging by the current divorce rates, this is getting harder to do in our complex world.
Conclusion:
Too many couples hide behind these misguided reasons to remain married believing they are “doing the right thing.” While I agree that they are important considerations and should be seriously pondered, I do not believe these reasons, alone or in combination, are enough to warrant remaining in a marriage that is based on anything short of true happiness and mutual fulfillment. Instead of being motivated by fear, guilt, or inertia, I would like to see people begin to make choices based on trust. Movement toward a goal rather than away from fears is a much more powerful place to live from.
Susan Pease, LCSW, CADC, is the founder and executive director of the Transition Institute of Marin. She specializes in assisting women through the divorce process by providing ongoing support groups and educational programs.
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Originally Posted by happysoul 
For the longest time i stayed because of the kids. One day last year i realized i was doing more damage to them by staying than leaving.
I was meant to read this today. Thanks again and hugs!
I was meant to read this today. Thanks again and hugs!
What I mean is, I believe a lot of my issues with relationships are directly related to growing up in a home where my parents modeled the ultimate dysfunctional marriage! I hope my children learn better from my example. *fingers crossed*
L
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I had one of those moments... my son was 5. I don't remember WHAT he said, but I will never forget the way he said it, with total disdain... I slid down to the floor, crying and realized that my sons were learning how to treat their future wives by watching how their father treated me.
I started planning for my divorce the next day. It was the best thing i ever did for my sons.
Cats
I started planning for my divorce the next day. It was the best thing i ever did for my sons.
Cats
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on the other hand
I've observed the devestating consequences of a families breaking up in recent years. My sister declared bankrupcy, she may lose her condo. She and her daughter have been dumpster diving to collect bottles and cans to take to recycling to have enough money for food and gas. My sister in law has also declared bankrupcy and she and her two children have been living in a motel for well over a year now. And the visitation stories are horrendous.
My mother had no fear of divorce. Married 4 times by the time I left home when I was 16. She probably would have done it again if she hadn't died of cancer when she was only 42. I'd always wished she stayed with the 3rd husband. I loved him as though he were my own father and he took good care of us. Honestly, I never really forgave her for leaving him.
My mother had no fear of divorce. Married 4 times by the time I left home when I was 16. She probably would have done it again if she hadn't died of cancer when she was only 42. I'd always wished she stayed with the 3rd husband. I loved him as though he were my own father and he took good care of us. Honestly, I never really forgave her for leaving him.
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For me, the moment of truth came when my Grandmother died. She died such a bitter, angry old woman that no one in our family even went to the funeral. Except my mom, her codependent protege. I realized that the life I was leading and the unhappy marriage I was in was turning me slowly into my Grandmother. See, my Grandfather was the alcoholic, and everybody loved him. The whole town showed up to his funeral. It was a huge wake-up call for me that I only get one chance at life and I'm going to make it the best, happiest life I can. And I want my kids to come to my funeral.
And, gypsyrose, I would rather collect cans and bottles to pay for food and gas, than live with a raging, abusive alcoholic. But, that's just me.
L
And, gypsyrose, I would rather collect cans and bottles to pay for food and gas, than live with a raging, abusive alcoholic. But, that's just me.
L
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L
Actually, I do agree that there are circumstances when dumpster diving is better than live with an abusive husband. I might I might agree even more if I didn't have children with disabilities. But nothing is black and white, life is complicated.
Actually, I do agree that there are circumstances when dumpster diving is better than live with an abusive husband. I might I might agree even more if I didn't have children with disabilities. But nothing is black and white, life is complicated.
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There are parts of that article that I take issue with. "Seasons change. Tides change. Relationships change. People change. Life situations change. Everything changes. That is life. That is what is supposed to happen."
Now, I will grant that decades ago people stayed in horrific marriages far long than they should have, but I think the pendulum has swayed too far in the opposite direction.
I am speaking in general about marriage, not about people married to alcoholics. I just think many walk out too soon without trying. Just ask my daughter and me.
Now, I will grant that decades ago people stayed in horrific marriages far long than they should have, but I think the pendulum has swayed too far in the opposite direction.
I am speaking in general about marriage, not about people married to alcoholics. I just think many walk out too soon without trying. Just ask my daughter and me.
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Yes, life is complicated but sometimes we make it much more complicated than it has to be. Most emotionally healthy women are capable of taking care of themselves and don't have to resort to dumpster diving to survive. Those who have to resort to a life like this have often lived in fear or been dependent on others for so long that they've convinced themselves that they're incapable of taking care of themselves.
I hope life turns around for your sister soon, gypsyrose.
I hope life turns around for your sister soon, gypsyrose.
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I agree that sometimes I make things more complicated that they have to be. But, I also think that the best way to deal with life in general is an open mind. I think life seems more complicated when you don't acknowledge that you have choices. I wrote a whole thread about keeping an open mind not long ago. I have been amazed at the hopefulness and confidence I feel when I admit that I do have a choice.
I spent so long feeling stuck, like I had no choices. Now, I don't feel stuck any more. For example, my job is pretty high-paying for the area and when I first started here 10 years ago, it was very satisfying and fulfilling, as well. Because of changes in management, in the overall organization in general, and simply time passing, it's not satisfying and fulfilling to me anymore. But, I have two children to support, a mortgage, yada, yada, yada. I could easily take the attitude that I am stuck. Instead, I choose to focus on the possibilities. I'm taking a creative writing class at the local community college. I'm looking into volunteer opportunities in a field I would love to work in, but have no experience.
I may not financially be able to just say 'I quit' today, but I am working toward that goal. And, once my children are no longer at home, I can sell my large house and buy a smaller one a lower my monthly expenditures. Heck, I can even move to a different part of the country if I want. The sky is the limit! Life is complicated, but that's what makes it so much fun!
L
I spent so long feeling stuck, like I had no choices. Now, I don't feel stuck any more. For example, my job is pretty high-paying for the area and when I first started here 10 years ago, it was very satisfying and fulfilling, as well. Because of changes in management, in the overall organization in general, and simply time passing, it's not satisfying and fulfilling to me anymore. But, I have two children to support, a mortgage, yada, yada, yada. I could easily take the attitude that I am stuck. Instead, I choose to focus on the possibilities. I'm taking a creative writing class at the local community college. I'm looking into volunteer opportunities in a field I would love to work in, but have no experience.
I may not financially be able to just say 'I quit' today, but I am working toward that goal. And, once my children are no longer at home, I can sell my large house and buy a smaller one a lower my monthly expenditures. Heck, I can even move to a different part of the country if I want. The sky is the limit! Life is complicated, but that's what makes it so much fun!
L
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I have a choice. It has become such a part of me, that sometimes it's annoying LOL! I am unable to make excuses. When I find myself making them, my mind immediately goes to what are my choices? I know today that I am never truly stuck. Staying stuck is also a choice, and there are times I have done that for my own reasons - but I do acknowledge the "stuckness" is a choice I've made. Whew, that just wore me out.
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