pineapple2007

For the first time in so long, I am loosing sleep over the stress in my life.

It all started sunday, when I told him not to come in on sundays to use the gym when I am there at work.

This is the worst thing that could happen. I was doing so fine. I NEED SLEEP. TO STUDY FOR SCHOOL, AND FUNCTION IN CLASS.

Since he came in to my work on sunday, I havent been able to sleep. my mind has been racing, not because of him... just racing and racing, u know when your mind wont shut the he|| up?! ya.... that. i havent had this in so long.

And I dont know exactly what it is. But I really want it to stop....

I try to relax... and fall asleep... but I cant get into deep sleep.

I even felt like calling him and saying "do u hate me? fine, u can come in on sundays"

what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!
I really need to get past this. I need to get where I was before sunday. ..... I was ok, getting over it. pushing forward... content in my thoughts about him... I was sleeping sweetly, eating fine.... I want to get back there............

hbb

((Pineapple)), you'll get there in time, it doesn't happen overnight unfortunately. Hey, just maybe he will take your feelings into consideration this Sunday and respect your wishes of not coming into the gym. I know the anticipation is tough but maybe he will realize how it's effecting you Your doing great! It will pass, just keep the focus on you. I know it's tough.

pineapple2007

Thank you heather....
I just feel I cant get to that strong place..... I feel so weak man.....

I was so strong before this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pineapple2007

I want to be strong again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

hbb

I know you'll get there again, you know you can do it I"m still up and down myself. I just try to go with the days of good moods and if i have a bad day (like yesterday) i do what i can to get through it and hope for a better day tomorrow. One thing that's really helping me personally is the gym (i know it's not the best for you right now under the circumstances) but what about walking or jogging outside. I started walking every morning a few weeks ago and it's the best thing to clear my head before work. I also consume myself with healthy friends and family. I wish we lived closer, we could help each other

CBrown

"what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!"

When you figure it out, please let me know so maybe I can understand myself?! I started a Reality Journal of things that happened with my XABF. I also kept emails from people I began to meet who told me the Reality as opposed to the fantasy personality I had created for my XABF. I would encourage you to do the same. Perhaps when the weakness starts invading, you can pick up that journal and remind yourself of all the horrific things that resulted from him being in your life. Trust me, I have a pretty schmucky list of things that help to set me straight.

Do I still regress? Sure! I still snoop for information on him, it hurts me, I work on detachment, then it cycles again. I'm not past this saga yet. But I'm working at it, and you try too. (((hugs)))

Barbara52

You can and will get strong again. Its going to take time and hard work.

It sounds like seeing him at work is somehwo triggering some deeper issue for you. Only you can figure out what that deeper issue might be.

It could be something related to his invading your space since you work there. He has a legit reason to be there (if I am reading this correctly and you work at the gym to which he comes to work out). I guess it comes down to you can't stop him from coming in and you need to find a way to accept his presence at some of the time in that place. I sure can understand you not wanting him there but I wouldn't count on him going along with your request if he has a right to be there. That wouldn't suit his alcoholic mind.

pineapple2007

<<<<<<Barbara>>>>>>>>>>

When we broke up, we both agreed he wouldnt come in when I AM there.. he attends 2 gyms, and 1 of them closed for 2 weeks, so he started coming to the one I am at, more often and on sundays. So for about 2 sundays he came in.

So then I politely told him not to come in on sundays, and understood and agreed not to anymore.


Omg, now that u wrote that ... I feel like I should call him and tell him he can come in..... im such an idiot.

I told him not to come because seeing him hurts. but i feel bad now...

LaTeeDa

You don't need to feel bad for telling him how you feel. Just be prepared for him to do what he wants anyway. It isn't about controlling what he does, it's about how you react (or don't).

L

Barbara52

I sure didn't want you to feel like an idiot. {hugs}

Its perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go there when you are working there. But you can't make him do anything, including not coming there even if he had agreed not to do that.

I wouldn't call him about it at all. You can't control what he does. You can work on controlling how you react to whatever he does.

pineapple2007

I understand.

But is it bad that I told him not to come? I feel so bad now.......

LaTeeDa

There are two things that will always wreck my serenity.

1) Lamenting over things I regret (the past).

2) Worrying over what might happen (the future).

When I live in the here and now, life is so much better.

L

Barbara52

No, its not at all bad that you asked him not to go to that gym when you are working there. Its a perfectly reasonable request on your part. From where I sit, your request and whether or not he complies with that request aren't the real issue. The real issue is how you react to seeing him, whether its at the gym or somewhere else. That is the only part you have control over and can change if you don't like how you are reacting now.

pineapple2007

but barbara,

I feel like a loser. I feel like he probably thinks im a big baby and I cant handle seeing him once in a while... and to be honest, NO I CANT SEE SOMEONE I AM TRYING TO GET OVER. SORRY I JUST CANT. IF I AM GETTING U OUT OF MY SYSTEM, (LIKE HE PROBABLY WANTS ME TO) THEN NO, I CANT SEE U, AND YA U SHOULDNT COME THERE.

He said "what if I come through the back door..." and I was like "no , I cant KNOW u are going to be there".... and he was like "fine."

But I feel like a big baby, and immature.

Barbara52

First off you aren't a loser! You are dealing with a difficult situation and difficult emotions. Its not easy. If it were, none of us would need this forum or support groups or therapy.

Second, have you considered getting into individual therapy to explore these issues? Sometimes we all need a bit of extra help to delve into our dark sides and figure out exactly why we react they way we do. I know therapy has helped me immensely. Having an inpartial professional listen and then point out what they see can be one means of bringing about the changes we want to bring about.

pineapple2007

thanks barbara.

I have considered therapy... I have been before....

I missed 2 days of school... i had to go to the doctors and tell them I am overly stresed so i can get a note for school.

I dont know how I could have been so good doing so well.. and I am back to obsessing, and I am not sleeping... I just dont get it.
Now I am obsessing about calling...

prodigal

1. Get into therapy. Commit to it for a period of, say, one year.

2. Attend some Al-Anon meetings and find out if they work for you.

3. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

4. Realize that you, and YOU alone, are responsible for how you feel. Own it. Nobody else can.

Mr. Christian

Yes I'll ask you again,
What about Alanon?

keepingmyjoy

Sometimes it is really hard to look inward, but for your own peace of mind, I agree that maybe you could get even more perspective on all this if you go and talk to someone (therapist). Remember...you are worth it!