Layla2222

So after 1 week in rehab, they let my ABF out. He calls me and says......

"I feel so bad for putting my mom through hell & back.... first thing I am going to do is mow her lawn.....then can you pick me up??"

I am thinking Don't you feel bad for putting ME thru hell and back?!?!?! why doesn't he even think about that?!?!

This same crap happened a week before he went in.....he said he feels so bad for never helping his mom out around the house, and then gave her $1000 to pay her mortgage and mowed her lawn again. I thought, he doesn't do A DAMN thing at OUR apartment together.....I DO EVERYTHING! What about helping out me? What about helping around OUR apartment?!?
He did the dishes ONE TIME and hasnt stopped talking about it since.......
maybe he should just move back in with his mom, and live with her forever.....

Its funny because THIS, above the other stuff, makes me want to walk out right now...
does he even care/think about my feelings, or am I just a doormat?

LGLG07

hey layla!
they are sooo selfish arent they ? they never think about us ! my ah calls me selfish , drives me crazy !

Watch what you wish for ! him moving in with mommy might be just the thing you need !!

good luck! (())s to you !

Barbara52

My AH always thought he was doing me a big favor on those few occassions he actually did the dishes or a load of laundry. This from a man who was unemployed and did nothing all day, every day while I held down a job and handled all the housework and yardwork.

They do indeed have selective blindness. And there ain't a danged thing we can do to change that.

CBrown

Layla, your post got me shaking my head. The ones who treat them the best, they treat like dirt. I'm right there with you on the list of trodden ones. Guess we have to get out of the road if we don't want run over.

Layla2222

first, thank you all listening and for sharing!

update: i talk to him again, and he wants to stay over at his Mom's house tonight instead of here with me at OUR apartment!!! I am so fuming mad, and I can't figure this whole mess out....does he even give a sh*t about me?

He says, "Can't you understand I want to hang out with my family?" He wants me to come over there, but I just don't want to..... I feel like he should WANT to come over here--to our home together--and I am sick of having to convince him to--I shouldn't have to! & I wont do it anymore.....ugh.

I am struggling with something I mentioned before--I dont know whos "wrong" and whos "right" here. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being codependent? Should I expect he wants to come over here (to our apartment) and see me right away?

Why do I have to sleep here alone again.....??

LaTeeDa

The question is not who is right or wrong. The question is why do you continue to put your time and energy into a relationship with someone who treats you this way? Are you hoping to change him? I tried to change mine for 20 years and he is still the same. I hope you learn faster than I do........

L

denny57

Because you chose someone who wants to stay at his mom's. It sounds harsh, but once I understood that - allowing others the dignity to be WHO THEY ARE - I was able to make better choices for myself.

((()))

FormerDoormat

"does he even care/think about my feelings, or am I just a doormat?"

I found that I WAS a doormat. When I asked for nothing, I received nothing. After a lot of work on myself with the help of SoberRecovery and Alanon, I'm working on being a FormerDoormat, hence the name.

These days, I ask for what I want and need, and when the people who claim to love me can't or won't meet my needs, I cut my losses and move on. I deserve a sober partner who carries his own load.

Layla2222

thanks 2 everyone for the insights....
I am thinking basically my needs & his needs arn't currently "matching up" and by me staying with him, I am compromising my needs....(right?)

Since we moved in together we have had this problem....he never wanted to be here, and he would spent days at a time at his moms....leaving me here alone in our apartment. (He was the one who wanted to get this apartment in the first place! B/c if not, he knew I would move back to my hometown an hour away.--I often tell him I feel like he wanted to get this place for ME to live in so I could just live close to him and his mom)

He always says it "isnt personal" and why cant I understand he likes to spend time with his family too (making me look/feel bad). He would wake up every morning and go straight to his moms (where she does everything for him)....and would spend the day there! I said, what do I have to do to get you to want to stay here & hang out in our apartment. I would clean, get groceries, everything,.... to make it "homey" here.....thats obviously messed up, and I know I shouldn't have to convince him.

Maybe we just want different things, but when I tell him that I dont think he is ready to live with me, he argues, "yes I am!" It makes it harder when he says that, but doesnt show it

Barbara52

As Denny said, you chose someone who wants to stay at his mom's. My question to you is this the kind of man you want in your life, alcoholic or not?

LaTeeDa

Words mean nothing if the actions don't match. (By the way, this is true for everyone, not just alcoholics)

L

duet_4-8

I tried for 25 years.....didn't happen.

denny57

Why?

Layla2222

denny57~ because the only reason for me to stay in this town--where our apartment is now--is because he lives here. It is a college town, very small, and since I graduated--there is nothing else really here for me....my hometown is in the metro-Detroit area--much larger--and many more opportunities there for me. Plus my whole family lives in metro Detroit. My instinct was to stay with him but move home (Detroit) for now, but he convinced me to stay here with this apartment we know have.....

DII

GET OUT of there! You need and deserve to be happy. IMO the longer you stay the harder it is to leave as you begin to grow roots.

Be strong....for YOU!