ajangels2

Thanks to all who replied on my post Friday about AH's personality changes. I got a good variety of responses that gave me something to think over. AH does go to meetings but not as frequently as he did when he first got sober. He was working the steps with a sponser and his sponser recently relapsed and cut off contact with my AH. AH left his home group and got one closer to home. I will say when he was regularly attending meetings and working his steps he seemed more hopeful about himself and his life. He appeared to be happy at home and with me. Now I feel he's just miserable with me and the kids. Really more with me. He feels I'm too controlling and that I undermine his authority with the kids. He could be right... I do intervene when he's cussing and they're around and I do intervene when I feel he's being too harsh with them. I guess I could say something to him after the fact and when the kids are not around, but I get this overwhelming feeling like I need to step in. I suppose I am correcting him in front of the kids because I want them to know that what he is saying at the time is inappropriate.

We still have many issues that have not been worked out, not sure if they even can get worked out. Money is a huge issue. The lack of trust we have between us with money is a big issue. He believes I hoard money, when I don't. I had to get a seperate checking account when he was actively using and on the "deep end" to protect myself. Now that he's making money again he wants his own account. We discussed using the joint account, but he really didn't agree to it, just said he would to appease me. So, I've decided to let go... I'll give him an amount he will pay me in cash weekly and what he does with the rest I don't want to know. At this time it does not appear he will be able to handle sharing the account he believes I'm out to sabotage him. Not so and I've told him, but if someone believes that there is nothing I can do except keep my side of the street clean. I have never given him a reason to doubt my actions with money. I have only been driven to build my family up. He's been driven to please himself and make sure he has what he wants.
Lately there has been a great deal of anger within me towards him. Escalating a situation is not the answer... I state my boundaries about cussing etc. but he ignores them. I guess its time for us to have a family discussion about exactly what we're doing here because it appears that we have gotten off track. I'm not liking how I feel about that, not even sure if it's my track I'm off of. My recovery program is progressing but his is at a stand still and I guess maybe that's the friction I could be feeling. I'm not in a position to walk away... hell I'm still trying to pay off the debts from 6 months ago when he crashed the van and went into detox.

Thanks for listening and the feedback
Peace,
Shaun

GlassPrisoner

Par for the course when one is not actively involved in recovery. I had 5 years or so white knuckling it, and I was a "joy" to be around I'm sure. I hated everything.

Anyway, He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Continue to work your program. It's gonna play out like it plays out, whether you interfere or not.

MsPINKAcres

((ajangels))

just wanted to encourage you to keep walking this path of recovery - to keep on working on your side of the street. The God of your understanding will reveal to you what steps you need to take -

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita

ajangels2

Your right about that Glass Prisoner... he will do what he wants to do.. I attempted to have a conversation with him earlier. He was not receptive to it. Only heard me say things like.. your not good enough, you'll never make a right decision, your not capable of being a good parent. Now I actually did not say any of those things, but that is what he heard me say out of the statements I made. He's funny like that he reads in between the lines of black white and grey and formulates his own conclusion. Usually he's way off base. :uzi2:

sunshine321

Sounds familiar. Every time I try to have a conversation about something I am not happy about, my abf hears me saying something negative about him personally. I think that's part of the alocholic thinking and low self-esteem. Also he spends most of his time trying to see the negative side to everything and jumps to conclusions that I'm always doing something sneaky, mean or unfair. I hate that. He says I'm always defending myself. Gee I wonder why?

Jenny

GlassPrisoner

I know. I used to hear things the same way. That's what they mean when they call us "sensative" . And yes, I was way off base too.

gypsyrose

I've been away for awhile and I forgot how much I learn from other people's experiences. Thanks especially to GlassPrison. It does help to see things from the recovering alcoholic's perspective, even if we can't do anything about it. At least it helps me make more educated decisions about what choices I can make for myself.

cinderellawkids

Wow I could have written that myself exactly. i notice my AH is worse when he is more mentally lacking than usual. I am trying to not interefere with the kids and go to him after, I ahve seen progress (sometimes) when I do it this way.