First Counseling session went ok
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
First Counseling session went ok
Well, we went to the counceling on Friday and you would have been so proud of me. I was so strong. I took a pill for my nervs before we left the house to make sure I could stay calm. I drove and again, STRONG! We walked into the building and I felt a strong pain in my chest. It was like my lungs or heart were about to burst. I knew it was the stress and tryed to tell my self to let it go but it ended up staying with me all night. It even worked it's way into my back.
So we go in and she wants to know how long we have been together and how me met so I tell her. Then my ah breaks in and says he thinks we need to split the session so each of us can talk to her alone. She asks what I think and I tell her I'm fine with that. So as soon as he left the room...... I lost it. I cried from so deep inside that I could barely speak. I told her about his drinking and gambling and how he lies to me about it and she said thats what adict do. So I sob out my story and then it's his turn. He tells her all about what he thinks our issues are and I come back in.
In the end she said we see our problem is totaly different issues. I say it's his drinking and he says it's because I am a cheeter. (yes I did cheet) So she said she wanted us to read a book called After the affair. At first I thought (Damn they were right, she is sticking up for him) but then she explained that the book has nothing to do with placing blame but helps couples understand how they got to that place. She said sometimes a mate feels unloved or so angry with their partner that they stop talking and turn to someone else. I was like YES!!!!!! This is exactly what I was saying to him all along and here she validated my feelings on that.
As for the drinking part...... I think she felt he needed to get a little closure on this issue before focusing on his drinking. Besides as we all know he is the only one who can do something about that.
She did ask me if I was going to any meetings and could see the amount of pain I was in. I still am having those pains off and on but I feel a bit better after going to the session.
Now mined you this did not stop him from drinking all weekend and I am sure he gambled but I just didn't look at the account. I did go get the book yesterday and put it on his desk. Bet he don't read it.
So we go in and she wants to know how long we have been together and how me met so I tell her. Then my ah breaks in and says he thinks we need to split the session so each of us can talk to her alone. She asks what I think and I tell her I'm fine with that. So as soon as he left the room...... I lost it. I cried from so deep inside that I could barely speak. I told her about his drinking and gambling and how he lies to me about it and she said thats what adict do. So I sob out my story and then it's his turn. He tells her all about what he thinks our issues are and I come back in.
In the end she said we see our problem is totaly different issues. I say it's his drinking and he says it's because I am a cheeter. (yes I did cheet) So she said she wanted us to read a book called After the affair. At first I thought (Damn they were right, she is sticking up for him) but then she explained that the book has nothing to do with placing blame but helps couples understand how they got to that place. She said sometimes a mate feels unloved or so angry with their partner that they stop talking and turn to someone else. I was like YES!!!!!! This is exactly what I was saying to him all along and here she validated my feelings on that.
As for the drinking part...... I think she felt he needed to get a little closure on this issue before focusing on his drinking. Besides as we all know he is the only one who can do something about that.
She did ask me if I was going to any meetings and could see the amount of pain I was in. I still am having those pains off and on but I feel a bit better after going to the session.
Now mined you this did not stop him from drinking all weekend and I am sure he gambled but I just didn't look at the account. I did go get the book yesterday and put it on his desk. Bet he don't read it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 
I did go get the book yesterday and put it on his desk. Bet he don't read it.
Why does it matter if he reads it? Are you still trying to get him to "see the light?"
L
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey Lost! I'm so glad you reported in--I was wondering how it went!
I'm glad you went to the session and found some of the validation you were seeking. Sounds like the book is a must read for both of you!
Keep us posted! Saying a prayer for you!
I'm glad you went to the session and found some of the validation you were seeking. Sounds like the book is a must read for both of you!
Keep us posted! Saying a prayer for you!
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I haven't read it yet but plan to. This morning he came to the bedroom wanting to have sex and I said no I am not ready to do that yet. I later wrote him an email telling him that I couldn't just have sex then go back to being mad and that it hurt too much to pretend nothing is wrong. Well...... He did not like that and told me not to worry he wont sleep with me and maybe we should just get this over with and get divorced. OK, then..... I look at the account and he had putlled all but 103.36 and I still have outstanding bill that will be posting soon. I sent him a note to let him knowhe needs to put money in that account to pay those bills. He just go 25,000.0 in settlement money! Anyway..... I am now thinking maybe I should just call an atterney and get it over with. As he put it, we har just hurting each other. I FEEL SICK.
I also have a call into my doctor to get back on the Paxel. I should never have stoped taking it.
I also have a call into my doctor to get back on the Paxel. I should never have stoped taking it.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
((lost)) ..
so sorry this is happening to you , this roller coaster ride can give you whiplash ! things go from good to bad to worse so quickly its hard to even remember what happened ..
I wouldnt make any decisions as far as a divorce goes , read the book , keep up with the counseling and go to some meetings . Get some more information , grow some more and you will see things differently .
Lots of luck to you , I know how rough this can be
M
so sorry this is happening to you , this roller coaster ride can give you whiplash ! things go from good to bad to worse so quickly its hard to even remember what happened ..
I wouldnt make any decisions as far as a divorce goes , read the book , keep up with the counseling and go to some meetings . Get some more information , grow some more and you will see things differently .
Lots of luck to you , I know how rough this can be
M
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It seems to me that the best thing you could do for yourself right now is a separate bank account. When I did that, my stress went down considerably. (Didn't go away completely, but down) 
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks for sharing. I hope you can get some relief from your stress. It sounds bad, the heart and back pain. I hope that the therapy will lead you to what is true for you, even if it means divorce. It sounds like something really does HAVE to give. Good luck to you. b66
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
OK, I want to lunch and picked up a couple things at the store for the dog and feel a bit better. One thing is for sure, I do need to protect the bills. I was thinking of opening a new account at the same bank our joint account is at and then pointing all the bills to that account. Then..... When he gets paid at the first of the month, I'll just take what I need for the bills and he can **** away all the rest if he wants. In the meantime..... I plan to sock away as much as I can in my private savings. I work at a bank and so I have my own accounts.
Maybe this is crazy talk but I feel like if I am doing something to stop the damn from leaking then things wont be so bad. The bad part is that I can see how that is my codependence kicking in.
My friend and I were at the store joking about what Grandma sweat pants to get the lime green or orange, and I was talking about how if I was on my own, I could just get what I want when I want and not feel like I will get yelled at or asked when I had time to be at that store. I just look forward to that time in my mined and feel a bit better.
I left my ah another email and told him I wanted us to talk when I got home. NOT YELL but talk. I think if we can talk calmly then maybe this is the time to make the move. He gets one house and I'll take the other. Split the furnature, shut down all the accounts so we can start over with our own accounts. Credit and otherwise.
<Heavy Sigh>
Maybe this is crazy talk but I feel like if I am doing something to stop the damn from leaking then things wont be so bad. The bad part is that I can see how that is my codependence kicking in.
My friend and I were at the store joking about what Grandma sweat pants to get the lime green or orange, and I was talking about how if I was on my own, I could just get what I want when I want and not feel like I will get yelled at or asked when I had time to be at that store. I just look forward to that time in my mined and feel a bit better.
I left my ah another email and told him I wanted us to talk when I got home. NOT YELL but talk. I think if we can talk calmly then maybe this is the time to make the move. He gets one house and I'll take the other. Split the furnature, shut down all the accounts so we can start over with our own accounts. Credit and otherwise.
<Heavy Sigh>
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